Entry #1990

Changes

It’s crazy how much my life has changed in the past 5 years. I used to just be a little boy filled with innocence and just worried about my grades in school. I wanted to be one of the first people in my family to earn my high school diploma. I still will be, but it’ll be earned in Juvenile Hall. Even though I seemed innocent I was still walking in on my dad twisting the pipe and shooting up heroin. I was stuck getting abused by both parents as well. I would go into public, hiding the bruises on my body and my emotions. I was always taught from a young age to never snitch and to not show emotion because if you do, people will use the emotions against you.

My whole life switched around when I got kicked out. I was homeless so I had to steal so I could eat and I had guns so I could survive from people who claimed they wanted me gone. I started selling, dealing, and doing drugs. I started stealing so I could make money. There were not a lot of options. From being locked up I’ve realized a lot of people only love you when you’re dead in a grave or shackled in a cage. My best friends’ mom (who I called Mom) let me move in with them, but at that point I was already addicted to the streets. It’s the only way I knew.

I started stealing cars and cutting catalytic converter for fun and an extra couple bucks in my pocket. I still remember one time when I came home in the middle of the night. My “Mom” saw me with my gun on my lap. She yelled my name and I told her it was just a BB gun. She knew I was lying, but she loved me like her own son so she just didn’t know what to do and walked away. She didn’t know what to say at that point. She knew my negative behaviors where getting worse. She just couldn’t do anything about it. God, I wish I just listened to my “Mom” instead of stealing shit, and selling weed, coke, pills, all of it. Now I’m locked up worried about my past. I wish I never had my finger on that trigger.

 

Entry #1991

The Lies I Told

Man, I’m locked up and missing my aunt and daughter. She just turned five and I promised her I was coming to get her, but that was just another lie. When I came in here I was in bad shape. I was on drugs and I was on the verge of death. It has been two years since the last time I saw my daughter. It was after I drove her and her mother to Washington. Most people think I gave up on her. That was not the case.  I didn’t want my baby girl around the drugs, like my family did to me, always cooking dope and selling. I wanted better for her. I left so I could get better. This was a lie I told myself. You know, coming in here was the best for me; I’m clean. I almost lost my life and my daughter almost lost her dad. I am about to be 18 this year and looking forward to getting out and seeing her again.  

 

Entry #1992

The Broken Inside of my Life

If you knew me you would know I'm broken inside.

You would know I'm scared of love.

You would know I cry myself to sleep every night. 

You would know I will always be alone in my life. 

If you knew me you’d know I trust no one. 

You would know I want to die, but I can’t. 

You would know I want to be free.

You would know I live a painful life.

If you knew me you would know I love any type of art.

You would know I pray to God to heal me of pain.

You would know I am a protector.

If you knew me you would know I'm a lone wolf. 

You would know I grew up in an abusive home. 

You would know I was beaten by my own family. 

You would know I was on the streets when I turned 12 years old. 

If you knew me you would know I prefer peace, not violence.

You would know I’m scared of weapons. 

You would know I won’t ever touch drugs and alcohol. 

If you knew me you would know I want to get out. 

You would know I lose everyone I show love. 

You would know I want change. 

You would know I hate to shed my tears in front of others. 

If you knew me you would know I have a good heart.

You would know I act without thinking.

You would know I will be here for a long time.

You would know I will be a man of success. 

If you knew me you would know I lost everything.

If you knew me you would know I stick up for what’s right. 

You would know this is who I am.

 

Entry #1993

Face to Face

Thanksgiving is my favorite time of the year. The food, the family, the traditions, I believe it is the best time of the year. Sadly, I have to be locked up for this year’s Thanksgiving. I’ve missed other holidays in the time I have been here such as the 4th of July and Halloween, but those holidays don’t have a whole lot of deep meaning. But Thanksgiving is a holiday I give a **** about. Me and my family have a get together and make a whole bunch of food and it's only around Thanksgiving we all get together and get to see each other face to face. Any other time of the year everyone is wrapped up in their own lives, so it’s definitely frustrating that I am locked up for this Thanksgiving. 

 

Entry #1994

Life in the Hall

Here in the hall we wake up around six o’clock to shower.

On a normal day on the outs, to keep it real, I’d be waking up when we are having lunch in the hall, around 11-12.

I would wake up, usually turn some music on, and start loading a bowl. After that I’d get something to eat depending if I’m going somewhere that day. I would start on getting ready, doing my hair, my makeup and getting an outfit for the day. 

On a weekend in the hall after breakfast we’d have free rec: playing cards, reading books, stuff like that.

On the outs I don’t do any of those things so personally it gets hella boring in here doing the same shit over and over again. 

We also have groups with B n G that we often go to sometimes.

On the outs I don’t go to any type of groups so around the time in here when we’re doing group, I’d usually be out doing something, maybe sliding to a cousin’s house, making plans or chillin’ by myself in my room.

After doing the same lame shit all day everyone has different bed times.  I got 8:30. On the outs around 8:30, if I’m home, I’m just chillin once again, listening to music, smoking and enjoying my alone time. If I’m not home I’m out doing who knows what with some friends, maybe some fam. Anything but getting ready for bed at 8:30.

 

Entry #1995

Days Can Be Heavy

Locked up for the holidays. 

It’s okay to feel upset.

Some of us always have so much to say.

Thinking tends to make it where we can’t forget.

Days can be heavy. 

Tears may be shed….

Many tell of how they may have bled.

Some of us need music to stay steady.

Most of us had to live on our own, on our toes always ready.

There are also the days we all get along. 

You could say we seem like we’d never do any wrong.

Our differences being set aside only lasts so long. 

Being in here no matter for how long.

Please, take a moment to understand.

We can be a raging tsunami,

We can bring the feeling like the smell after rain.

Our stories can be beautiful, chaos we’ve managed to contain.

 

Entry #1996

Out for the Holidays 

Nowadays, I get to go on the outs for holidays. I got to go out for Thanksgiving. I got to go see my family and chat it up with them and rough house with them. I got to joke around, play games, and make food. I got to go to my homeboys and chat it up with them. This made me feel like I could get through this program. 

 

Entry #1997

My Favorite Holiday

My favorite holiday has always been Christmas. I like Christmas because you get to spend quality time with your family: bake cookies and have a fun time. At least that’s how it used to be. Nowadays I have my juvenile hall family to look forward to. This will be my second Christmas in this place and many more to come. I may never spend another holiday with my family, but that’s okay. I will still make the best of every memory I have in this place because I have to keep the mindset that I may never leave. If I was home maybe all of my brothers and sisters would be there even though we don’t have much as far as presents for each other, we had good memories. Maybe I will get a letter or something. I hope they have the best Christmas even if I’m not there.

 

Entry #1998

Holiday Imprisonment

My favorite holidays are Thanksgiving and Christmas. I like Thanksgiving because I love to make new types of dessert and other food. I love to cook and it’s a tradition that I will keep forever in my life. I like Christmas because I can see other people open their gifts and decorate my house in a variety of colors and shapes. I like to see people celebrate a holiday because they can be happy and joyful. I will be locked up for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and New Year’s. I have missed a bunch of holidays here and I still have more to miss. My traditions are to wake up at 3:00 in the morning, cook a lot of good food and play games with the people I love and care for. I hope they have a great holiday time of the year. Love you all and have a great time celebrating holidays. I want my freedom back so I can have celebrations with the ones I love and so I can be there for them.

 

Entry #1999

Gone

I don’t really have a favorite holiday but if I had one it would probably be Thanksgiving. I am going to be in juvenile hall during that holiday. My family would be cooking, cleaning, shopping, and setting stuff up. Usually I’m helping, but I’m going to be in here. I’ve never been away from my family during a holiday. This would be my first time. I wish I was out to be with them but I made bad choices so I’m in here. It’s crazy to think that they can just lock you behind a door but that’s how the world works. I still get visits but it isn’t the same as when you’re out with your family having fun. The most crazy part is in here I only think about my friend that passed. He was my best friend and that’s all that goes through my mind. It’s crazy to think he’s gone.     

 

Entry #2000

The Hustle

My favorite holiday is Christmas. I’ve missed Thanksgiving this year. Last year I missed Easter. I’ve been locked up and they aren’t ever letting me out. I’ve missed two summers and I miss my family too. For Christmas, I got presents but I never had a get together. My favorite holiday memory was being with my mom. She always hustled to get me what I wanted. Free me out of the box. You know how it goes.  

 

Entry #2001

Chasing Money

If you knew me you would know I’ve been homeless before

you would know I’ve been loyal

you would know I am respectful

If you knew me you would know my parents have been on drugs my whole life

If you knew me you would know that I like sports

If you knew me you would know that I have been chasing money

If you knew me you would know that I have been doing my school

would know that I’m trying to get a diploma

If you knew me you would know I like to write raps

If you knew me you would know that I have not lived with my brothers my whole life

you would know that I got arrested and went to juvenile

 

Entry #2002

Safe Demon

In here I wake up at six in the morning and get to working out. If I was out I would wake up around 10 or 11, take a shower, and eat. Then I’d hit up the homies and go out mobbing, making money, and getting faded.

In here I get to take warm showers. On the outs I had to take cold showers because the water heater was always breaking and my mom barely had enough money to pay the rent and put food on the table. In here I can sleep hella good and I’m not up all night having to watch my back with a lemon-squeeze all up on my lap.

I was only like 14 when I saw my cousin get popped up in the chest. This **** hurts when momma can’t even look into my eyes because she raised a lil’ demon. She’s always telling me, “Baby boy, you need to stop sinnin.” Nah, but anyway, I’m low-key proud I’m locked up because my moms can fall asleep knowing her aka demon is safe up in here.

 

Entry #2003

All That Mattered

     My favorite holiday is, for sure, Halloween. It was last month and I was locked up for it. Yes, I’ll also be locked down for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’ve missed many holidays which I don’t really mind because I don’t have a stable enough family to celebrate them with anyways. Last Christmas, I remember being happy when me and my ex were coming down off perks and I got to watch him and his two sisters open the stuff their dad bought them. It made me happy to see them happy. At my “home” we don’t really have traditions or big meals. Mom was always broke so I didn't really trip off it, but she would always try her best. That’s all that mattered to me. 

 

Entry #2004

Haunted House Binge-

My favorite holiday is Halloween, and unfortunately, I missed Halloween of 2023 because I was stuck here. Last Halloween, I dressed as Little Red Riding Hood and went to a crappy party with people that I didn’t like because I thought that I should “try something new” instead of trick or treating. I was planning on making it up the Halloween that I spent here by going on a haunted house binge and trick or treating with my boyfriend. We had matching costumes picked out - I was going to be Red Riding Hood again and he was going to be the Big Bad Wolf. Good stuff, right? Anyways, I’ll be spending Christmas and Thanksgiving locked up because I won’t be getting furloughs until February, but I’m not that bummed about it because my family hasn’t celebrated either of those holidays in like seven years now. Halloween was a much greater loss, but you know, we move on. 

 

Entry #2005

Locked Up

In the hall we get up at 6, take showers, breakfast at 7:30, and go to school at 8:30. I eat about the same ins and outs. It’s not the best place to be. I’d way rather be with my family. This is my first time being away from home for this long. It sucks because my mom is at home all alone and it’s a lot to think about in my cell.

Lunch at 12 dinner at 5. At home I can eat whatever and whenever I want. I pray I get out soon so my mom has company. And I’m going to do whatever I can to change my ways. I miss my dad a lot. He’s the best role model to look up to. I’m going to fix everything I’ve done, for my parents and myself, for good. I just hope my parents and friends are proud of me because I know and everyone else knows I can be better and I am better than this. I know I can do this.

 

 Entry #2006

Out and In

My day on the outs’ starts off with waking up and going outside for some fresh air and walking my dog. As for being in the hall, I wake up staring at four brick walls, staring out a small window and not getting any fresh air.

On the outs’ there are multiple choices for food. In the hall you get the same three meals over and over again.

In the hall you deal with a bunch of little kids arguing over nothing, throwing a fit when they don’t get their way. Let’s just put it this way - the worst day on the outs’ is still better than the best day in here.

 

Entry #2007

I Can’t Wait

What I miss on the outs is hanging out with my family. Doing things with my little brothers and my older brothers. I miss going to see my older brother that's locked up. I really miss my dog. I know he is sad because I have been gone for three months. He's only 9 months old. He’s a French Bulldog named “Tank.” I also miss my parrot. His name is Wally, and he talks and has the mind of a 3rd grader. He’s an African gray parrot. What I miss the most is my mom and my dog. I can’t wait until I can go home and hangout with my family and Tank. Also, I miss my friends. I miss normal food, especially my mom’s homemade food. I really miss my bed. The bed hurts my back so bad, I hate it. I hate being locked up. I also miss going to the coast and the beach. I miss walking my dog on the beach. I also miss taking my dirt bike to the flats and riding it. It’s hella fun. There are a lot of hill climbs and a lot of trails that lead back to where you started. 

 

Entry #2008

Locked Up for The Holidays

My favorite holiday is Christmas. Will I be incarcerated during Thanksgiving/Christmas? I don’t know. I guess I’ll find out in two days. I really hope not, but if I am I’ll be pretty upset because I already missed Halloween and it sucked. I’ve only missed that one holiday and I’m not trying to miss any other. I’m just trying to do my time, get out, and do better for myself. For the holidays my sister and my little brother, they are always around. I used to live with my grandma and that’s where everybody celebrates Christmas. We all go over, have a good meal, and watch Christmas movies. We always have mashed potatoes and gravy and some turkey or something like that.

 

Entry #2009

Holidays

     I’ve been locked up for a while now. I’ve been down for Christmas, Halloween, birthdays, New Year’s, and Thanksgiving…..basically, all of them. But I am going to get out for Christmas and New Year’s. The only thing I am upset about is that I missed my little sister's birthday. But it’s all good. I’ll be home soon. 

 

Entry #2010

Incarcerated for Christmas

My favorite holiday is Christmas. I will be incarcerated for Christmas, and I was for Thanksgiving. I’ve missed a couple holidays since I’ve been incarcerated and a handful of events.

If I was on the outs I would probably be hanging around my friend’s house or at my house with my family. It’s boring here and there’s not a lot to do. If I was home for the next holiday it would be really nice. We would all celebrate.