Entry #1672

Any Human Being

I want to hate you. I hate everyone because of one person…because of you. Including the pain and the abuse, you repeatedly hurt me and I just want to know why. Why you did what you did when I was only six. You stripped me from my innocence. Everyone I come across sees me as a victim. It's like a red flag that says "Already been abused, so go ahead and try again. It'll become the new normal." I see father--daughter relationships and it's awkward for me, but I shouldn't be thinking like that or feeling that way. What's the love of a man? Or the love of any human being? I know there is love, because I love. But am I the only one?

Entry #1673

Forgive Me

So you have a young girl trying to sleep

But her minds filled thoughts that drive her insane

From a dirty look she catches a fade

Cuz she was like, too young when her dad passed away

So she needs love and she runs to the game

A stubborn lil girl who's trynna get paid

And she's scared of nobody they all know her name

But if you see her smile it'll make your whole day

A girl who has heart and loyal to the game

She slang bricks and still she get A's

She only stayed in school cuz she had brains

But this young girl she sees nothing in life

Rather than doing drugs she's making sure her paper look right

She’s got so many pills at the bottom of her sprite

But she loves the ****** rush of a fight

She would rather use her hands than a glock or a knife

And she has suicidal thoughts when she lay down at night

But she never listens to the voices in her head

Same voices saying, “Get out before your dead.”

So every night when she’s try and go to bed

All she thinks about is the clips with lead

She going to hustle til the day that she’s dead

And she thought she was her own enemy

till she realized she was the only one on her team

She stood tall cuz she had a high self-esteem

She doesn't care for looks, she want her cup filled with lean

Cuz she doesn't want to talk she just wants to drink

And she hopes to one day swallow the pain

So she ran to the streets and fell in love with the game

The life of crime is her instrument she loves to play

She zones out as the sounds of gun shots replay

She asks for forgiveness, on her knees to pray

But she gets up and says it'll be okay

Cuz to get a rainbow you gotta have some pain

So hopefully it pours to wash away the pain 

Entry #1674

Where I come from ….

I’m from a street where people get killed or locked away.

I’m from faith in getting out of the ghetto.

I’m from a long line of people who have cold hearts.

I’m from confusion about the meaning of life.

I come from a big family, but only talk to a small amount.

I’m from love, and I know that because of my family and homies.

I’m from fear, especially when I think about my past.

I come from a long line of people who are street smart and don’t care who’s around.

I come from experiences that reminds me of a rainy day but a bright rainbow at the end.

I come from learning not to trust anyone.

And I wish my life would become better.

That’s where I’d like to be from.

Entry #1675

Circling

Hatred dwells in a person’s soul. Someone who has been wrongfully convicted. Deep hatred, anxiety, depression, stronger than anything…the feeling God hates you. Your fate and the life you once knew destroyed abruptly. Why, why me? You could think about how to better yourself, but the chance to do so will never come. Someone once told me I was destined for greatness, but all that comes is despair. My mother and father always said I could be whatever I wanted, but my hopes and dreams were crushed. My life erupted like a volcano pouring hot molten magma on what I called my spirit. Even though I don’t know what the outcome will be, the worst lives and dwells in my mind. Hell is my thoughts. My dreams have turned into nightmares circling just one thing, one idea, one thought, one destiny…that I will waste ten years of my life in a cell for something completely out of my control…over one mistake. I made one stupid immature, 17-year-old’s mistake. I would rather die than let my heart become overwhelmed with sadness and uncertainty.

Entry #1676

Statistics

Statistics say I won’t make it out the system, that the neighborhoods I live in guarantee an early death. Some say I won’t live to be twenty-one, while others say I’ll be pregnant by sixteen, living the life of a single mother. They say I’ll live on minimum wage, or I’ll never make into college one day. They say people like me don’t change, that my kids will grow up just the same, or that my future consists of failures and incarceration. I would like to prove these statements wrong. One mistake doesn’t define the type of person I am. They look down upon us because of the things we may have done, but never seem to notice the accomplishments we have made, or notice the effort we put in to make a change. We all deserve a chance to do great things. I don’t choose to live by the standards everybody has put upon me, I set them higher. I don’t give people the satisfaction of seeing me stumble, but have them envy me for the changes I have made. I won’t spend my days having a negative attitude, I have a changed mindset to a positive aspect of life. Although I may have grown up in a place where success is doubted, that doesn’t mean to give up all hope and determination. I’ll prove to others I can become something, surprise them by doing better than their expectations. When it all comes down to it near the end, it won’t matter what colors you banged, or where you were from, the mistakes you’ve made, or even your wealth. What will matter is the impact I’ve made and the person I’ve come to be. Forget the statistics. I live by my standards only.

Entry #1677

Reflection

See, my mom and I had to live in silence before my dad got deported for domestic violence. I have to say I had a lot of admiration for my mom’s determination to get up and create a new family. She forgot about me, but this isn't why I fell. This isn't why I ended up behind this cell. It all began when I started losing my hope due to smoking dope. All because I didn't know how to cope. Unfortunately these were the cards I was dealt. I had to learn to rearrange them to win the game. I had to find someone else to play my cards. I opened my eyes and saw something new. I left the drugs and found a better meaning, a real kind of feeling. While I was locked away and everyone forgot me, so to say. While screaming for God to send me an angel from above, I found love.

I opened my eyes and saw something new, I found someone else.

I found myself.

I won.

Entry #1678

My Life in the JDF

So, I won’t back down

No, I won’t go back to the mobile home.

No, I’m scared I’m going out of my mind, thinkin’ about a rhyme that will impress and make ‘em all happy.

Do I really want to go back to my family? Do I really want to stay in the JDF?

I don’t want to go to a group home, but that might be my only option. The only way to go is up – never back down. Right now, hard feeling, written on the paper. Two best friends – depression and my anger. They control me. They are the factors of my life. They make me who I am. They control me.

Entry #1679

Inca R. Ceration

Hello my name is incarceration.

I'll make you eat, sleep, and reminisce.

I'll separate you from your friends

And, your family especially.

I can break your life apart.

But it's your choice to make it better.

I can also make it start.

When life gets cold I give you faded blue sweaters.

Keep making the choices you make and I'll be with you forever.

Entry #1680

Stop the World, I Would Like to Get Off Now

Life is like a carnival ride. It starts off slow, then speeds up before you know.

Similar to an ocean tide, it’s filled with highs and lows.

Stop the world, I’d like to get off now. Life’s taking me up and down like a ship’s bow.

I keep crossing oceans to get ahead, but my progress is equivalent to jumping a puddle instead.

I often stay up all night in bed, with worries running rampant in my head.

I also stay awake with fears, kicked in the back of my eyeballs with tiny feet called tears.

I’ve come to realize that life is mostly unfair and I often feel as if I’m trapped in a rabbit’s snare.

Stop the world, I’d like to get off now.

Entry #1681

Memoir after Death

Remember me for my kindness, praise me for my intelligence, and applaud me for my humbleness. I don’t care that I’m remembered by many, as long as I’ve inspired good in plenty. Forget rich or famous or pretty; describe me as kind or honest and witty.

Friends, if I die today, smile and be filled with warmth. Don’t let my death leave you bitter and sore. Remember I loved and was there for you? My shoulder always there to cry onto?

Family, you can be sad, but you still have each other. Live the life I haven’t got to finish and my love will be with you forever.

“It’s not the years of your life, it’s the life in your years.” If I live to be eighty and help no one, then you have cause to shed tears. If I live to only twenty, but have helped many then would you please look back on my life and be giddy.

You can be a shining star with the best car or be funny and have the most money. But what does all that really mean in the grand scheme of things? If you let material things represent who you are, in people’s hearts you won’t go very far.

Entry #1682

Doesn't Mean Forever

I'm trapped in a cage

Sitting through my final stay

My momma sent me away

Locked away is where I remain

I put myself in a difficult position

Now I'm sitting here waiting for the final decision

I had drugs in my closet

My momma found them and looked at me broken hearted

She asked me "Why do you do what you do?"

I looked her in the eyes and said "I can't tell you."

I watched my momma's world collapse in her eyes

She kept asking me "Why baby girl, why?"

I told her I almost overdosed many times

She started screaming "Why can't you fight the demons you create inside?"

After that day my momma turned me in

Cause the drugs I was using were making me too thin

I love my momma to death

I'm so thankful she turned me in cause I was moments away to taking my final breath

I've been in the Hall since then

I don't know how long it's been

Since my momma was proud of me

But I just got to believe

That I'm ready to change

Cause I know my momma don't want me home if I'm the same

But momma I promise you it'll get better

Cause this **** doesn't mean forever

I'll be home very soon

And momma even though I'm locked up I'm still here for you

I love you so much mom

I'm sorry for doing you wrong

But we can all move on one day

And finally be a happy family

I just hope you see

That girl wasn't the real me

Everyone asked me "Are you okay?"

And I just smiled and said "It's just another day."

I promise, never again will I lie to you

It'll only be the truth

Momma you're my whole world

And I'm so proud to be your baby girl

Entry #1683

Playing Parent

You see that I am different than most

You see that I fight when people make fun of me

But you don’t know me

You would know me if…

You knew how it was hard to not let others get to me

You knew how I sometimes feel that no one truly cares about me, and there is no point to keep going on in life

You knew how I was beaten every day because I was different, and my dad thought beating me would change me

You see that I smoke and drink to feel better

You see that I cut on my wrists and legs to cope with my feelings

But you don’t know me.

You would know me if…

You knew how I express myself through poetry and art

You knew how I run away when things get tough

You knew how I played dad and mom to my sisters while my family used drugs.

Entry #1684

Momma Sorry

Momma sorry,

But forgive me for what I put you through

Sitting in a cell,

Made me realize what I did to you…

You’ve been through a lot of pain,

You’ve been throut a lot

Mom, I’ll love you unconditionally until my heartbeats stop.

Choose you own life,

Don’t let this life choose you.

My life’s full of pain, but that’s something I’m used to,

Mom, I love you unconditionally,

I only wish I was present with you physically

While I’m doing these years

You’ll be the one I’ll be missing

Of course you’re feeling pain. I’m on my way to prison,

I wish I could take the pain away.

If it wasn’t for me, we wouldn’t have to live this way!

Entry # 1685

Pray For me

Hook )

I said the demons were trying to make a way for me

Now they here me praying

Now they’re playing with me.

(Who’s Gone Pray For Me)3

No one understands how she makes me feel.

If the judge gives me time, will you even be there, can you wait for me?

(Wait for me) (Pray for me)

Locked up in this cell and I can't see you baby.

But this might be a test to our love baby

(Will you wait for me?)(Wait for me) (Pray for me)

(Verse 1)

Shackles on my feet. Cuffs on my hands.

Riden back to Stockton in a minivan.

Last time I called my girl she was stressing.

But moms on the hand saying this should teach me a lesson.

Are you gonna hold it down or you gone cat.

Just be 100 with me and I will be 100 with you back.

Laying in this cell having dreams about you cheating.

Over heating on this map so I start heavily breathing.

Yeah, attorney said if you were 18 you would of had 6 to life.

Only 17 but they might try to whack me with a strike.

If you’re down like you say, ride for me

cause all them girls in the past all lied to me

I said the demons were trying to make a way for me

Now they here me praying

Now they’re playing with me.

(Who’s Gone Pray For Me)3

No one understands how she makes me feel.

If the judge gives me time, will you even be there, can you wait for me?

(Wait for me) (Pray for me)

Locked up in this cell and I can't see you baby.

But this might be a test to our love baby

(Will you wait for me?)(Wait for me) (Pray for me)

Entry #1686

I’ll Be Okay

Sorry Mom, I wasn’t there when I was supposed to be.

We had our ups and downs.

But through it all you kept on loving me.

From group home to group home,

You never once abandoned me.

You’re not only my mom.

You’re my world.

You’re my everything.

Ima have to face some years before I make it home.

I’m losing all my faith.

I’m losing all my hope.

It ain’t over, Mom, even though it feels that way.

I pray every night that hopefully we see a better day.

The day they sentence me, Mom,

Don’t worry I’ll be okay.

Momma, don’t you cry.

Just wipe them tears away!

Entry #1687

Letter after a Time

Here’s something I never told you while you were alive…When I’m around you I feel safe and I wouldn’t want to go any other place

Many times, since you’ve been gone, I’ve thought about… The good times we had and how we made it through all the bad and what a strong loving grandma I had, you always made me so glad

Here’s what’s new in my life…Ever since I lost you I realized being locked up and in these streets wasn’t worth not being with my family. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you Nannie.

When I dream sometimes I imagine you… You dancing in heaven looking down on me and guarding me from all who trespass against me

It’s amazing to look ahead in my life and think… How you’re not suffering trying to stay strong for me and how you made my life so lovely

I love you my Nannie

Entry #1688

The World

Being locked up really sucks. All I do is sit in my cell and think about my girl. Every time I get to hear her beautiful voice makes me so happy. But that is only every so often. I have been in here for 8 months now. It is crazy to me how everyone says that all you got is family. If that is so, then why doesn't my family come and see me, let alone answer my phone calls or write me letters? Since I have been in here the only person to write me is my girl. The only girl in my life that means something to me is my girl. There are people in here with me that tell me that my girl is cheating on me. I don't believe any of it though. I trust my girl. She is loyal to me. We have known each other since we were 7 years old.  I was her first kiss and definitely plan on being her last. I hate being away from her. When I am away from her I don't know what to do with myself. I was away from her for a month and this is where it got me. I promised her that I won't **** up anymore so that when I get out we can build on our life together. I am going to stay true to my word, because to me, she means the world.

Entry #1689

Lost

Only seventeen and they want to send me to prison,

I’ve been trying to change my ways and really learn my lesson,

missing my little girl man this place got me stressing,

courts almost here and I'm trying to show a good expression,

but it's like the walls are closing in creating this depression,

the pain I hold inside me is causing a lot of tension,

I sit in my room everyday thinking and reminiscing,

lost in my thoughts not knowing what I'm missing.

Entry #1690

Nobody

I hear a ball bouncing

I hear metal keys

I see a wall, a brick wall

I sleep on a mattress two inches thin

My parents, they won’t call. They won’t even visit.

Now I sit in this room all alone wondering why I am here

My family doesn’t want me. Who is really there?

Nobody Nobody Nobody

But wait…If I open my eyes, maybe there is.

Everyone’s just waiting for the ring on the phone

Why are we here?

Well, Idk, but if I find out, I’ll let you know

So back to my cell

I’ll see you, maybe after trial  

But only if they drop the charges

They’ve haunted me for a while.

Entry #1691

I’m Actually Here

I hear pencils writing, desks squeaking, and light whispers. Inside the hall is gloomy.

If I sit here and just look around in the dead silent all I feel is sadness and pure gloominess, and I think, “Wow I can't believe I'm actually here.”

Inside, the hall is the same routine every day: shower, eat, school, lunch, school, B&G, dinner, rec. I get to go outside twice a day, once for PE and large muscle. We have rec, go to bed and then repeat. And on the weekends it's a little different. On some days it's full of laughs and happiness and goofiness, but it's rare.

I feel empty. I sit in this blank, white wall, blue doored room, and think why?

I sit and cry and wonder when it’s going to be over, this depressed feeling. Feeling like my soul is slowly leaving my body. Inside here they call it your room or home but don't fall into that trap or you'll end up coming back. This is not my room or my home. Not able to talk to your family member more than 5 min and not able to give your parents a hug without a table in between you. Only being able to see your parents twice a week, if they even decide to come. Not even able to see your little siblings. It kills me, especially knowing they are mad at me and don't even want to talk to me.

People say it's like daycare here and yeah, it pretty much is, but through that daycare part it's truly hell. For some people it's a good place, good food, a bed, and a shower every day. For me, I have that already and this place just tears me down.

I'm glad I did come back because if I didn't I know I would be in a bad place. And me coming back gave me time to clear my head and really think about everything and think about how I really want my life to go….do I want to have a good life, not do drugs, go to school, and be a normal teenager…or do I want to be some badass little kid running the streets, doing drugs, not going to school, breaking the law, coming in and out of juvy, and eventually probably going to jail? That's not the life I want. It may be fun and all but that's only for the time being. I realize I have to look at the outcome of the situation.

Entry #1692

Sitting By Myself

You see that I wear bright orange.

You see that my hair is long.

But you do not know me.

You would know me if

You knew how hard it was to see my mother cry.

You knew how it felt to disappoint your family.

You could see that I sit by myself.

You could see that I write without rhyming.

But you still do not know me.

Entry #1693

Flashbacks and Lessons

Cold nights with long thoughts,

sitting in my cell all I can do is plot,

I remember when I was out in the street masked up with that heat,

rivals slid through and I didn't even think,

flashbacks of that night,

man I wish it was all a bad dream,

but all I hear sometimes is those loud high pitch screams,

I hope one day I can be forgiven,

until that day comes I will be learning my lesson.

Entry #1694

Tired

It smells in the hall. It’s stupid. I can’t even think straight because all the kids are yelling. It’s like a really unfair daycare. It sucks. I shouldn’t even be here because I know I can be doing better. Even my parents know what incarceration is like. I can’t wait to get out because I’m tired of this life.

Entry #1695

Family Time

The people in my life who have been incarcerated: my mom, dad, uncle, grandma, and grandpa. My mom was in jail for assault with a weapon on my dad. My dad went to jail for domestic violence on my mom. My gramma went to jail in 1993 for stealing her neighbor’s car to go to the hospital because her water broke when she was pregnant with my Uncle Russell. My grandpa went to prison for murder but beat the case because no one witnessed it.  

Entry #1696

My Goal

I am a 16 year old kid who has been to juvenile hall 4 times since the beginning of the year. Each charge/violation has progressively gotten more severe and the mental and emotional damage has affected me more and more each time. My first charge was an assault charge. Then each violation after that has been me messing around and not listening to my terms of probation and not taking it that seriously. However this time I will be staying at their ***** hotel for a lot longer. I've gotten myself into some trouble I don't even remember doing because I was so drugged up…. All I remember is me talking to the officer in the back of the car and then waking up a whole day later inside juvenile hall once again. I really wish I hadn't taken those drugs. Xanax bars and triple c's combined are definitely not safe. I have let myself, my mother and father, and my girlfriend down. I will most likely be here for 3 months or longer, wasting my whole summer away sitting inside this cement box. My goal that I will strive to achieve is to never, ever come back to this hell hole. 

Entry #1697

STOP!

As I sit with my eyes closed, I hear pencils tapping, legs shaking, the occasionally radio transmission that's almost always too loud and distracting. I hear youth just making kids noises. That's what it's like in the hall: loud and a noxious. There's never a moment of silence, never a moment of peace. I can't wait for the day that I'm finally released. Once again I'll hit the streets. The cage has freed the beast and I'll be free at last. I'm trying to work on life skills and forget my ***** past. Get a job doing honest work and make some honest cash. Stop doing meth and living life so fast because no matter what I'm high on, I'm always going to crash.

Entry #1698

A Day

A bad day is when I lose a friend.

A good day is when I hear the words I love you.

A bad day is when I don’t know where my money went.

A good day is when I am full of happiness.

A bad day is when I can’t get enough time to myself.

A good day is when I spend time with my family.

A bad day is when I get into a fight with my brother.

A good day is when I find myself a girlfriend.

A bad day is when I lose my girlfriend

Entry #1699

I Know

The juvenile system is different. It is like a daycare. You have to ask to do everything, and you are controlled every minute of the day. They feed you crappy food. It smells like piss, and it’s overall disgusting. All my family and friends know I’m incarcerated because this isn’t my first time. It’s probably my 8^th time in here and hopefully my last. I need to work on a lot of things to make sure I don’t come back. I have people who care so much about me and don’t want me ruining my life any more than it is. I know I need to change.

Entry #1700

Family

All my life I have been in poverty. My family was a low income.  We didn't have much. I have four siblings with one who I never met: my older brother I still haven't met him to this day. I want to really bad but I don't think that will ever happen but I honestly don't know what I would say if I did meet him. It would probably be kind of weird not knowing him my whole life anyway. I also have an older sister who I don't talk too much because she is too caught up in her life with her new boyfriend and all, but I don't think we ever clicked much anyway. My favorite is my lil brother. He’s 14 and is a total square. He have never even said a curse word in his life. That is what makes him different from the rest of the family. My mom and dad got divorced when he was like 8 and he hasn't been the same since. He gets kind of emotional sometimes but now that I have been sitting in my cell for 9 months for a stupid lSD charge I miss my family and I am tired of drugs interfering with my life. I say no more to drugs.           

Entry #1635

Endless Sleep

Development of the black sable,

stereotyped by fuming rhythms

that ensured preoccupied circumstances.

A weary sickness,

energized with wine,

I imagine the velvet sky.

Encouraging fumes of glass beads,

reserved to cherish the overlooked bed,

I fall into insensitive sheets,

into a woeful stew of neutral darkness.

Entry #1636

Forever Sleep

Lonely

pitch black inferno.

Loud fans

fighting the depression.

Lonely

cobalt blue skies,

yet still pitch black

through my eyes.

The phone rings and I can’t find it.

Falling, can’t catch myself.

Trying to hide from death,

but I think it found me.

Entry #1637

Chemical Imbalance

A loaded gun.

Hatred flowing through my heart.

Lights flashing icy white.

Nike sweat

seeping through my socks.

Freedom lost.

Give up,

run,

or kill.

Finding myself trapped

lost in my thoughts.

A trail that goes nowhere.

Entry #1638

I Got Two New Best Friends

I’ve got two new best friends:

loneliness and depression.

I feel my body hurting

from the way I’m always stressing.

I try and talk to God

but I’m so tired of confessing.

To all the men that hurt me

man, the pain is just aggressing.

But I’m still alive

So maybe I should count my blessings

Maybe I love cuffs

from the way that they be hugging me?

Or I like that hall, cuz I was fed,

and it’s just so comforting?

But when I go away,

I’m not the only ones who’s suffering.

Entry #1639

Ghosts

Tender and outraged

dwelling on thoughts of the past.

Assaulted by a host demons called memories,

tormented by the sounds and screams of those last words.

Deprived of a clear mind by the remembrance that clogs it.

Trying to remain calm,

but because those ghosts never fade,

I’m oblivious to the world.

Expected to be like the others,

but because of this I am different.

Physical wounds hurt,

emotional wounds cut deeper.

I’m left hoping if I don’t acknowledge them,

tomorrow they won’t be there.

Entry #1640

The Paths I’ve Chosen

                I noticed bad things happen to the wrong people in life, but in my world, bad things usually happen to bad people. My life has not been all positive, I mean, I can admit I sure do have my wrong doings but overall I can honestly say I am not proud of them. I know I have made many of my love ones disappointed but I also know that they still love me in their own unique ways.

When I was in 7th grade, I chose to smoke weed instead of getting an education. While my family was upset with me, I was too busy rolling up another blunt to see it. My addiction led me…not going to school, being around gang members, and becoming one too.

When I was 15 years old, I caught my first case. I was in a stolen vehicle with four other females. When the cops rolled up on us, I decide to take the chargers because in my head, “I knew what I was getting myself into as soon as I walked into the situation.” After, I started running away, robbing (people, cars, and stores) because at the time I had to make my name known in order to become a gangbanger. Ever since, I’ve been in the system. I never found my way out, instead I always found myself back in, facing these four walls multiple times.

Now, that I am 18 years old and back in here I have realized that I have made a mess out of myself over the past 2 years. I chose to make one bad decision that affected me in many ways. But as far as I know, while being in custody I can say that one good thing that I am getting out of this, is that I am moving towards my high school diploma by continuing to go to school. The notion that I am being released with no probation feels like a fresh start. I will make this new start into a forever life because I can be a successful person that I know I can be.

Entry #

1641

When I Get Out of the Hall

Taking action

When I get out, I will be freed

I am going to go to school

Get my education

Going to be a floweriest

I am going to stop doing drugs

I am not going to run away from life

I am going to face my fears

Trying to get my life back together

Or Relapse

Going back to old habits

Same crowd of people

Same addiction

Relapse is a part of life

Going back from where you started

Where I am at now

Shows me the consequences of my action

Forgetting the past in order to move forward

If I go back to old habits, I am going to lose every thing

Education, family, trust, myself

When I get out the hall things will change

Things will be different

Entry #1642

When the Lights Go Off

Those restless nights, with haunted images.

The difference between us,

they have dreams,

I have night terrors.

Resisting sleep because they seem so real.

I recognize they are not just nightmares,

memories replaying over and over.

The medicine was working but they took it,

clueless to what goes on when the lights go off.

Exhausted through the day

because of the screams

that pierce my mind at night.

Entry #1643

Different Things

I think things will be different when they release me, because before I got locked up here I was a mess. I was using drugs every day plus I wasn’t eating or sleeping right. When night time would come I would go into the neighborhood looking for things to steal to support my drug habit, or to just get some money in my pocket. I would look for bikes or motorcycles in garages. When I found some I would come back and steal them later on. Sometimes I would steal from my grandma’s purse. Now that I’m sober and think about stealing from my grandma I get mad at myself. These few months that I’ve been locked up the juvenile hall has done a lot for me, I’ve put on a lot of needed weight since I’ve been here. I also had three huge warts on my left hand frozen off. I have four months left to do. When I finish my time and get released in June on the 19th I’m going to take care of myself and go to the Grizzly Academy where I can train myself as a cadet to get ready for one of the branches of the military. I’ll be leaving all the negativity and same people behind to better myself.

Entry #1644

Using

Loaded with overwhelming anger,

rapidly pushing to the limits,

bringing the addiction of quick comfort.

It's my method of vandalizing humble flesh.

The affection of primrose garden-colored grooves,

followed by the overpowering pleasure.

The release and emptiness of all feeling,

it takes a while, but everything mends.

There will always be signs of weakness,

no matter how hard I try, the habit stays.

The power to be free and careless

is too wonderful to release.

No matter how much time goes by

the addiction stays

I'm pathetic-

a woeful stew of neutral darkness.

                                                                                                                                  

Entry #1645

The Edge

Life, like a thin yarn

swimming in a dark cavern full of water.

Shamed by the truth,

not feeling accomplished

in this game of life.

Like a deep flesh wound on the heart

Like a bird stuck in a cage

Full of sadness and rage

Entry #1646

Where I Live

I was born in a nearby hospital. When I was three year-old we moved. I had it hard being the youngest boy in the house. When I was six years, old I started school getting into fights. I try my best not to get in trouble anymore. When I was eight years old, my mom put me in football to stop me from gang banging. I was good at football when I started playing it. Eventually, I stopped playing football and went back to getting into trouble. I live in the streets.

I did not want to go home at all because I was a hot head. At twelve, I started going to jail. It was a repetitive thing for me. Juvenile felt like a second home to me. I have been back and forth to jail. I had a best friend who was always here for me. I do what I have to do to make it out of here so I can keep my family out the ghetto.

Entry #1647

Freedom

Right now I feel

so alone.

Can't I just

go home?

I know I did

Something wrong,

but I know we can all

move on.

Freedom is always

so far away.

I keep taking it

day by day.

I just have to believe

it will get better.

I know I won't be

here forever.

Entry #1648

My life

I keep looking at these white walls

and blue doors.

My mind tells me to give up

and sink to the floor.

I miss being loved

and being able

to look above.

I thought I could

achieve my dreams,

but that's not

what it seems.

My world has gone

upside down

and it has me spinning

around

and around.

Entry #1649

Locked Away and Forgotten

Locked away and forgotten.

Missing the light,

hoping to be free.

Wishing it was different

knowing that it's not.

Trying to change

but stuck in one place.

Missing my life

but I'm the one who ruined it.

It was a fun night.

Iit ended with me locked up.

Wishing it was different

but knowing that it's not.

Entry #1650

Incarceration

Despicable incarceration has me all alone

lusting for my freedom

aching to go home.

The ruthless clock travels slow

lost in this struggling world

searching for myself

all I really want is to be free.

Entry #1651

Big Changes

When I get out of Juvenile Hall this year, things will be different. First, because I will finally be off of probation and will be turning eighteen a couple of days later after my release date. I will also be a graduate after I leave Juvenile hall, and will be ready to start college in August. When I start college, I will be attending classes for welding. At this moment, I am currently in the welding class at Juvenile hall. My dream is to be a welder. I am also deciding to be a part of the California National Guards Program. This program is a six-month program in which youth are taken away to learn military experiences, including physical activity. I think both options will be good for me, but I will only be able to choose one for the moment because they both start around the same time. When coming across the negative environment of my past it will not be a problem because I will be away from my hometown. I am glad things will be different for me when I get out because I will no longer be getting into any trouble. Things are really going to change in my life for good.

Entry #1652

Moving Forward

Impulsive decisions based on how I feel inside

searching for myself

who knows what I’ll find.

Missing organization and close relationships,

unity intrigues me.

In a race against time

and it always seems to beat me.

Time I will never get back.

Stay productive in order to stay on track.

Dedicated to the commitments I make

Stay with perseverance.

Don’t call yourself my homie

if you don’t offer reassurance.

My respect and loyalty run deep-

deeper than the roots of a wild fig tree.

I will succeed.

Entry #1653

Walking Out

Throughout my whole life

I’ve endured adversity. I’ve overcome it all.

I will overcome this as well and leave this cell.

The system can’t hold me forever.

When I leave here, I’ll be better.

                                                                       

Entry #1654

Mind Trip

I trying to find a better life, but

These chains in a person’s way

Every night I talk to God and ask

Him for better days

I’m just trying to find some love but this

World is full of hate

So it ain’t no second thought if I’m

Loading up the kay

And the drugs made me numb so I smile

Through the pain

Even if you’re in my shoes, you still

Couldn’t relate

Take a journey through my mind

Don’t worry -  I’m going to be ok. Journey

Journey through my mind as I

Work towards better days

                Take a journey through my mind.

Entry #1655

One Nation under God

My mother

Also my father

we traveled from Mexico to the U.S

I wish I could have gone farther.

Raised to fear God

forget my roots

and the kingdom I came from.

Ashamed of the person I became,

because to the U.S I came.

In Mexico, I should have stayed

I belong in the south.

These are some things I think,

yet can never say out loud.

No one is to blame.

This is the way I was raised,

because to the U.S.

I came.

Entry #1656

Wishing for Apathy

I didn't do it for you

I did it for me.

I tried to be free

but got caught up in the thought.

F love

nothing happens.

Go ahead, touch me

but don't feel me.

I shouldn't be the one you see.

I have no feelings                              

Don't you agree?

Entry #1657

An Unconditional Love

In the dictionary, the meaning of “unconditional” is- non-conditional or not limited. The love I hold in my heart for my mother is truly unconditional. Over the years she has raised me, she has come to be not only my closest friend, but also my biggest supporter. She has gone beyond her motherly duties to make sure I am sheltered, fed, and in the right state of mind. Despite everything I have put her through, all the troubles I have caused, not once has my mother turned her back on me. Not once has she second guessed her love towards me, or abandoned any of my needs.

Every time I’ve fallen she has been right behind me to lift me up, every heart break, every crying moment, every problem I’ve experienced, she’s been right there beside me. Never has she looked down upon me as a person, nor treated me differently regardless of my wrong doings.

She has never compared me to others, and never expects any less or any more from me - To her eyes I am perfect despite my crimes or the mistakes I have made. No matter the situation, she has never judged me or thought of me as any less than her daughter. I am grateful I was brought upon life from her teachings and grateful I was raised by such a wise, amazing woman.

She is by far the strongest person I have met, and the one who earns the most of my respect. I could never imagine a life without my mother in it, and I hope she is aware that all her hard work, patience, and kind endurance has not gone unnoticed, and is greatly appreciated. I can never thank her enough for blessing me with this wonderful life, I sometimes feel I do not deserve.

Entry #1658

I Don’t Know

Puffing on cyanide

chilling in my swim trunks

next to the nocturnal sea.

I live this crazy life

and my mom don’t know why.

I like the life I live.

If I don’t change I’ll end up in prison,

or the grave.

                             

Entry #1659

Lost and Alone

You are the fixer and I am the breaker.

Feeling as useless as a rock, sighing and breathing.

Dwelling on the past, and what we could have been.

And to think I just shrugged and left you.

Emotional and vulnerable, like a lost child.

Filling the boxes, missing the smell of the tide.

I miss you still, all I do is wonder.

At first I thought it would last.

Now to me it was all a blunder.

I feel like a cave, empty and dark.

I am lost and don’t think I will ever find my way back.

Entry #1660

Mean  

Big and bad like a wolf.

I will blow your house down

just because I want to.

I hate you and you hate me.

Today is dark.

I want to hide in a cavern.

Maybe one day I will come out.

Maybe.

Entry #1661

 My Home Town

I believe the town I was raised in turned me into the person I am today. Why do I feel like this? I believe my home town is not as safe as it was in the old days. People in my town are all in gangs and selling drugs. People are into fighting when someone looks their way too long and stealing from their loved ones. I found myself to be like the people in my town. I was into gangs and fighting for insane reasons. I was raised around nothing but drugs and violence so that is all that fills my mind. I wanted to be like my older cousins and get money the way they did by selling drugs, stealing from the malls and people walking on the street. So I do feel like my hometown turned me into a person I am today. I regret losing my cousin to the streets and being locked up hurting myself and the people around me. I’m just angry with myself for turning out like the people around me. I wish was my hometown was a much better place.

Entry #1662

Forever to be Found…

A rose that grew from concrete

be humble, your day will come.

So beautiful and pure

sticking out from the crowd.

They follow behind me

trying to prove themselves,

but I don’t care; I never will.

I wait for some magical sign to prove to me

Show me something different

But the rose is slowly dying

Petal after petal until I’m almost to my last.

What I was looking for

was standing first in line.

Entry #1663

Blood Roses

Red roses pose a mark of beauty

But deadly like potions

The smell of good memories but leaves your body floatin’

Shows you a reason to never be gloatin’

A mark of resemblance to keep your mind open

Dar, as the blood like what has you chokin’

The color of the devil but may the lord have you hopin’

Entry #1664

I Need an Eraser

The occasional bargain

of gruesome anger vulnerable to

a habitual addiction.

Repetitious expectations

deepened until dissipation.

Again and again,

straw hat, shirts, and tropical tide doors.

Occasional, suspicious privileges

approached impetuously.

The foreseen incarceration,

when fleeing from probation.

My life is a broken pencil.

Useless.

Entry #1665

Waiting

Waiting on my appeal, hoping that I win

Hoping for the best, but I’m knowing I’ll hit the pen

Did what I did, so it is what it is

Got it out, she knows what time it is

Momma, sorry for all this pain

Separated for years, but our love is still the same.

Can’t stop, won’t stop. I took the whole blame

Never left a brotha behind. I never said a thang

Entry #1666

Things Will Be Different

Things will be different because I am going to make them different for myself. This is my 14th time here at the juvenile hall. I am tired of it. I eat the same food every day; I do the same routine every day. This gets old. I like to go to the beach with my family in the summer; and go snowboarding in the winter. I don’t like being confined and being told what to do by people I do not even know. I realize this is something I have brought upon myself. There is change, and the change is in me.

I plan on getting out of juvenile hall and becoming somebody. Everyone has always told me I will never amount to anything. I’m always acting out or using drugs. “Following in my father’s footsteps,” as some people say. I am tired of always being here. I’m a smart individual, and I know I don’t belong here. The power is in my hands now and I can do it. I want to make my mom proud of me and by always being incarcerated, I cannot do that. However, by me going to school and focusing on my education, that is my way out. I can go to school and then move on with my life.

Negativity is always going to be there but if I can be the bigger person and walk away then that means, I am ready to change. When I get out, it starts with me. I will have a fresh start and if I want something, I will find a way to get it. If that is something positive, I can get it. I am going to stay away from the negative people I was always going around, and that is what I was doing wrong. I can change and I am ready to change and it starts with me.

Entry #1667

Life’s Choices

Like a wave,

opportunity comes and goes.

If taken wrong

you’re deprived of your surroundings.

With a simple choice

you could be in blue and yellow clothes.

You think you’re out of the water,

but in reality, you’re drowning.

Only a portion know

the real struggle.

You could say I’m talking to demons

but truly it’s Satan.

Growing up I heard,

“Be respectful and stay humble.”

They said don’t take a life,

but I’m really contemplating.

These are life’s choices,

so I stay in my bubble.

I took life’s choices

and now they’re all instigating.

Entry #1668

Problems

Sprinting for freedom

I’m on my last lap

I’m slowing down,

but I know

I should pick up my pace

Bright lights shining

down on me

Loud noisy clicks

wake me up

I’m high off my meds,

I can’t stay up.

Put in the system.

Guards always yellin’

They trip if you tellin’,

but everyone does.

They so young,

tryna be thugs.    

Entry #1669

Leaving

I’m ready to go home,

but time’s going as slow

as molasses.

13 more unforgiving Wednesdays

to go, until I leave this place.

I wonder sometimes

how I will do on the outs.

Will I do good?

Will I do bad?

There’s  only one way to find out.

Hopefully they come

to this realization soon.

It’s only been 12 months.

Entry #1670

I Got It

The sorrowful phone suddenly went calm

lifeless sound encouraged panic.

Cold hearted inspectorate is closing in,

the wickford bay door sprung ajar.

Ting-ting of numbers rapidly being punched,

humble ringing returned,

the elite wisteria light began to shine,

pessimistic feeling of nothingness vanished.

Entry #1671

Reflections

Juvenile Hall, it is not a fun place to be. Not everyone will experience it either. I on the other hand, have experienced Juvenile Hall Campus. Everyone makes the statement, “When I get out of the hall things will be different.” I admit to it as well. Making the statement a truth is difficult and a challenge. I believe I WILL do it; I love a challenge.

Something I will face when I get out is the temptation to start doing the same things I did to get me here. This probably will not ever go away. As I have been serving my time, I have been putting things into perspective. The most important reason for me not to become the same person I was before is to prove the people who said I could not do it, wrong. I realize too, that I have to be a role model for my younger siblings; they see what I do and might think it’s okay because they look for comfort in my actions as an older sister. The last reason that hits home with me is to do it for myself. I have seen and realize the difference in my life when I am doing well or bad. I love to live my life freely and in good or high spirits. I am an extrovert and an inquiring person. Being in custody hinders me from being that person. It makes me a person I do not want to be. I cannot express myself freely and move with the energy I have. There are just so many limitations to my personality and seeing that in here makes me want to make sure I live my life to where I’ll almost never put myself in a situation to end up back here.

Coming into custody is a lot easier than staying out. It is not something I am proud of, I am just stating the obvious. It will be difficult but I love a challenge and this is playing with my freedom so I am sure I will avoid it at all costs. The first thing I have to work on is my environment, to end up in the same one that got me here would be insane and I would realize it in a split second. To prevent that, I would have to change it overall, along with my peers. Friends HAD a big impact on my decisions in the past. I always looked for a comfort in them from what I was missing at home. I also wanted to impress THEM, but now I have a plan and goals set in place that I didn’t before which makes a “friends” opinion IRRELEVANT! Now, I can take the initiative.

I am 17 but will remain on probation until six days after my 18th birthday. By then, I want to see myself enrolled in College to start working on my business and real estate degrees. After junior college, I would like to transfer to Spellman or Atlanta University. I will graduate and become a licensed real estate agent and receive a business degree to help my mom (who has a culinary degree) open a restaurant.

Being in here is all about the future! I think about the future. I do not want to come back or ever see myself in a cell being told: what to do, how much to eat, and when to shower. Everybody has the opportunity to take the initiative and make decisions that will take you farther away from coming back. To do that, you cannot lie to yourself, whether it be good or bad, only you can decide! It all starts with what you do to change when you get out.