Entry #2027

Cell Door Closing

I remember my brothers and sisters.

I remember being happy at one point.

I remember sleeping on the floor.

I remember not having power for a couple of months.

I remember bouncing around houses because we had nowhere to go.

I remember being hungry most of all.

I remember the sound of my cell door closing at 9:00 pm every night.

I remember the press 3 every time I use the collect call phone.

I remember the phone call I got about my mom the night she passed.

I remember there was nothing I could do.

I remember the sympathy from my friends and the sorrows from my siblings.

I remember going to court.

I remember the cold feeling of the handcuffs when they were put on my wrist.

I remember the feeling of being incarcerated.

I remember getting used to it.

I remember my friends saying it would be all right.

I remember the judge saying it wasn’t.

I forgot how it was to have freedom,

but I will always remember how it was when I got that freedom taken away.

 

Entry #2028

Back in The Day

Back in the day things were much easier. I miss the days of being a child. Things were just a lot simpler than they are now. I miss how back in the day when we were young, if we messed up people laughed or felt bad. But now that we’re older, if we mess up we get told that we’re a ****  up and that we’re just like our parents. Now that we’re older they all want us in a cell for every little mistake. I miss how back in the day, I used to think I was going to get arrested for getting caught stealing candy from the liquor store. I miss worrying about what was going to be for lunch at school and whose team I was going to be on for soccer. I miss how back in the day there was nothing we had to worry about. I miss when times were simpler and the world was brighter.

 

Entry #2029

The Way Things Change

I remember when I thought playing with dolls was fun.    

I remember when I thought moving out and living on my own would be cool.

I remember when I wasn't frustrated with the world.

I remember when I didn't have contempt for police and authority.

I remember when I didn’t have a hunger for this disastrous thing called “crystal”.

I remember when I wasn't full of rage and life didn’t always weigh me down.

I remember when life was simple.

 

Entry #2030

Numbing the Pain

I remember being home wondering why my mom and dad were constantly fighting. I was a kid just lost and scared. I remember walking in on my dad doing drugs and my mom getting way too drunk. I remember when my mom would beat me just because I reminded her of my dad. Now that’s just sad. I remember my mom saying I’ll be just like my pops. Now I will show that I will not. I remember trying to stay out their way, but they always seemed to find me. I remember when my parents broke up, I thought things were going to get better, but they just got worse when my step-dad came along. My mom’s hatred for my dad was constantly taken out on me and my step-dad would join along with her. It made me grow hatred for both of them. I remember popping my first pill. It numbed my pain, but I didn’t like how it felt. I remember my first time drunk. It numbed my pain and I love how that feels. I remember when my mom kicked me out, I was scared and cold on the streets. I had to try and survive so in school I focused the least. I remember when I touched my first band, that’s when I became hotheaded. I remember when I got my first gun, I thought that I was Superman. I remember when I stole my first car, I felt like Tony Stark. I remember when my cousin died. I cried so much that I can’t anymore. My eyes are dry. I remember when I first got locked up, I didn’t know what to do or how to act. All I think about is freedom now.  I didn’t know how to feel when the judge gave me a couple of years, but now I know I’ll be out one day. One day…

 

Entry #2031

Handcuffs

I remember being a little boy running on the football field. I remember not having to look back at every car when walking around. I remember not having to worry about helping my mom out with rent. I remember not having to buy my own food and clothes. I remember not having to walk around with something to protect me. I remember not having a bed. I remember my mom saying just make a pallet on the ground. I remember getting locked up and the feeling of the back of the cop car. I remember having to dodge the cops. I remember the feeling of handcuffs on my wrists. I remember the first time I had to dodge bullets. I remember getting the call about my friend passing away off pills. I remember everyone counting on me telling me I can go somewhere and be this and that and now it feels like I’m a **** up. I remember telling myself I’m going to graduate from a normal school and walk the stage. Now I got to graduate from juvenile hall. I remember seeing my mom struggle and cry and now I can’t even give her a hug and tell her everything’s going to be alright.

Entry #2032

Something Changed

I remember when I was 13. I broke my wrist on my bike going down the road to smoke. After I was out of the hospital, I got my ass whooped when they found the zah in my pocket. It was a bad day. I remember my first time going to juvie, I was nine years old. I got driven from Chico to Oroville and my parents wouldn’t pick me up, so I was sitting there for hours. I remember when I was six and didn’t have a single mad aggressive bone in my body. Something changed. Someone changed. People around me started being cruel. I started to become quiet. I started to become angry and I felt like I had to run everywhere I went. I started to feel unwelcome. I started to hate myself. I started to become the people around me.      

  

 

Entry #2033

A Part From Me

I remember back when I was a small child I didn’t have to worry about much. If my mom had enough money to get me and my siblings by. I remember when I used to be innocent, laugh whenever, play football, and chill with my family. Now I feel like a **** up. My family’s rooting me on, but I just keep getting locked up and keep messing up school, nonstop flights, drugs, drinking, smoking etc. I remember when my grandpa was still alive, I just wanted to make him proud. But then when he died it took a part from of me. Actually, a lot more than that. It also took the giving a **** about anything out of me, but I’m trying to find myself again. I’ll be there one day, hopefully.

 

Entry #2034

IF I WAS HOME

If I was home I would probably be just chilling at home or just hanging out with some friend who I now realized are not the best people in the world. If I was home I would change my ways and be much smarter about the things that I was doing when I was still out. If I was home I would spend a lot more time with the ones that I love the most like my mother and my aunty. If I was home I would apologize to the people that I hurt and show them that I really can change and that I’m not the person everyone says that I am. If I was home I would try my hardest in school and start participating in more sports again. If I was home I would make sure I was not involved in any more toxic friendships or relationships and focus on myself and better myself.

 

Entry #2035

Normal Again

I remember when my brother got locked up and missed 10 years of his life, nothing has ever been so hard for me or my mother. I remember when my brother had just got out of prison. He came home and everything hit me; things were so hard without him and everything was normal again. I remember when I got locked up for the first time. I felt so invincible like no one could ever tell me anything ever again about the thing I was doing. I got out the next day. When I first came back, I was so worried because of the things that had happened. Now I am facing many years at such a young age. Everything is tough. I remember when I first started messing up my life, smoking weed, drinking as often as I could, and I would just go around and do violent things around town. I remember when I finally came to the point where I told myself that it was time to change, but things just never really work out as I had planned.

 

 

Entry #2036

Looking for Eggs

Well if I was home right now instead of being in the juvenile hall, I’d be spending time with my brother, niece and nephews. I’d probably be making them food. I love to spend as much time as possible with them as well as with my brother. He works on his car with his other buddy and I enjoy being out there with them. They try to get me to work on cars with them and sometimes I do. When the kids are at school and I have some time to myself, I’m just on my phone most of the time. I also would be playing games during my free time, mostly to clear my mind. I wish I would’ve been there for Easter. I wanted to watch the kids have fun looking for eggs and the excitement when they found them. This is what I would’ve been doing if I wasn’t in juvenile hall.

 

Entry #2037

The Old Days

Damn, sometimes I wish I could return to the old days: a childhood full of innocence. My life was simpler. But now I feel like a failure, and the lust of drugs fills my head. It seems I can never get rid of it.

 I remember my love for people, but now it feels like the world has turned on me. Like I'm trapped. Trapped in a cage full of snakes, and slowly deteriorating… emotionally and also mentally. I remember my first time getting locked up. And that first turned into a second and a third, and I'm screaming now, but it feels as if I’m never heard. 

 So, the old days. My memories turned into a haze, I’m constantly in a daze. But now I crave something I'm not. Props to my brotha’ who was shot, protecting our country. Gave his whole life for a better ‘cause.But sometimes you gotta’ stop and pause.

To prevent a disaster, you don’t wanna swerve but you have to. So I reflect on the people I neglect and wish I could return to the old days. 

 

 

Entry #2038

Wondering

I remember long nights on the streets with my friends smoking weed and getting into trouble with the cops. I remember watching someone get shot for the first time at the age of 12. I remember getting into fights and running from the cops. I remember running down kids, jumping them at school, and repeatedly getting suspended, to the point I eventually got expelled. I remember asking my family for help getting out of the streets, but all they said was to keep fighting through it. I remember when I was young, my parents said I was going to be a star one day. Instead, I’m locked up. I remember a lot of time I was up in the middle of night wondering if I would survive the night or just be killed by someone. I remember being on the streets, thinking about what my parents were doing, but I always knew they were thinking about me.

 

Entry #2039

My Love

I remember when I first saw him, shit was crazy to me. I instantly knew he was gonna be mine.

I remember when it was never a dull moment around him. I remember when it was just starting to get serious with him, I knew he was my love forever and always.

I remember when it all started to fall apart, and we started robbing people and places and getting into high speed chases.

I remember when it was my birthday this past year, and I got the feeling I’d never be with him again.

I remember all the toxic stuff we went through, all the stuff we each other through.

I remember when I saw him again, after the break up, and we got back together. 

 

Entry #2040

December

I remember Casamigos. I remember chilling with the freak show. I remember warzone that’s all gone now. I’m in my cell thinking, why can’t juveniles get bail. I remember free life. I remember sleeping peaceful at night. I’m in the hall thinking what girl should I call. I want time to go fast. I want to leave everything in the past. I remember good food, now every time I eat Juvy food it puts me in a bad mood. I remember Christmas on the outs. I hate December now.

 

Entry #2041

Switching Normal

I’ve been locked up for over 6 months and honestly, it’s not that bad. I still got at least a year and a half left though, most-likely even more. I’m about to spend my first birthday locked up. I hate knowing I can’t be with my family and friends for my birthday.

              One of my moral’s is don’t show emotion, such as crying, in front of other people. It shows weakness and I’m not a weak individual.

              Something I realized since being locked up is you have to do the time, you can’t let the time do you. When I’m in court I get nervous like I have stage fright in front of the judge. I mean he does control when I get to go home. I hate it when the DA speaks, I know it’s his job but he makes it seem like I’m going to get out and perform multiple homicides. I hate him even if it is his job.

              I honestly never imagined myself graduating high school, but now I know I can. I never realized how smart I truly am until I got locked up. ****, I used to think I was an idiot. Maybe being in here has benefits I don’t quite realize yet, I guess I’ll find out when I’m out.

              When I’m out I want to be able to have a family and a nice job. I want to find true happiness, I’m not sure if that will happen though. If I have kids best believe I’ll be way better parents than my parents were. My kids are going to live good and I’ll a make sure of it.

              I’m so used to being in here honestly, I don’t even know what it feels like to be out anymore. I like it that way, it makes my time feel like it’s going by faster. Even if I don’t realize it, I’ll be home one day. That day, my normal will be switched from being locked up, to back home with my family.

             

Entry #2042

My Normal Tuesday

     If I were at home today I would be at school playing basketball, listening to music and after that I would eat a good lunch at Smokin’ Joes. I would eat a steak sandwich and garlic fries. The first bit of that steak is so juicy, there's just so many flavors. I would go back to school after lunch and hop onto Edgenuity. I would end my day off by going to drug and alcohol treatment by the county jail.

 Entry #2043

In My Cell and Sober

I remember a time when life was sort of simple for me. I got so lost in routine that I could do most activities on auto pilot. I never had to put much thought into anything I did because I was so used to doing everything in sequence that change was my enemy in a way. I was so use to my schedule that I could use marijuana any time of the day because I was so use to being high while doing my everyday tasks that it no longer affected me. I never realized how bad that was for me until I was incarcerated. I began to realize all of the things I was blocking out and all the emotions I numbed for so long. Dealing with these emotions now is hard because I never realized how some things affected me and how deeply I was hurt until I had to feel all those emotions. I remember when my step dad past away and I felt so weird because although I was sad and I cried, I struggled to express so much of those emotions because I would numb them. That hit me really hard once I was forced into a whole new routine that required me to be sober. I had to feel it all. I never realized how deeply hurt I really was about my dad dying until I was alone in my cell, sober and stripped from every normal, familiar thing I knew; I still feel really guilty about my dissociation. I feel like it’s weird and wrong that I couldn’t express how actually upset I really was at the time, but I am learning to give myself grace and have patience with myself. The longer I am sober the more I feel it but I understand that it gets easier the more I feel it and learn to understand my emotions and how to express and cope with them. #freeme

 

 

 

Entry #2011

Make Sense After

So, it’s a new year and we’re already on our second month. It’s crazy. I feel like this year just started a few days ago. Crazy how time flies when your locked up #FREEME. This year I made a few resolutions and my main ones are to lose weight and start working out more, but my big one is to just be a BETTER ME.

Not gonna lie, I wish I could have started this a long time ago but it’s a little hard when you have no one to support you and no resources to help you do it. That’s why I like it in here, because all the staff want me to be better and I feel like it’s the little push I needed to actually want to.

It’s nice because we have groups that help us and I feel like it’s helping me a lot. I feel like I’ve learned a lot already. There’s still a lot I don’t understand, but it’s ok I have a while to figure it out. I heard this quote and it’s that, “FAITH IS BELIEVING BEFORE WHAT WILL ONLY MAKE SENSE AFTER,” and I like it because I feel like it relates to my goal to be a better me. I still don’t really know or understand why I want to, but in the end I feel like it’ll make more sense.

 

Entry #2012

Locked Up

Locked up, is like being

Suffocated.

Suffocation-

feeling trapped and oppressed.

I feel like

I can’t catch my breath.

 

The sensation of being 

overwhelmed-

like a big weight on 

your chest.

I can close my eyes

but I never rest.

 

These walls that close 

me in-

they’re sometimes foe

other times, friend.

Their white bricks offer comfort

Until the desperation

sinks in.

 

Entry #2013

Come to Find Out

Growing up I never lived with my mom or dad; I was in and out of foster homes. I got tired of bouncing back and forth from houses with people I didn’t know, so I ran away from the system. I went and lived with the homies for a few years. When my 14^th year hit and I got in contact with my mom and she said “I have to do paperwork to get you back,” but I didn’t really know how I felt about that.

A couple months after she told me that information she got custody of me. I moved back with her when I was 14, about to be 15, not knowing her very well. But come to find out she’s a good parent to have. She might have a bad history but the fact is she got things right to get her kids back.  

 

Entry #2014

Best Year

2024 is   starting good, I should be getting out soon. I want to throw away all of my bad sins I’ve done and start fresh. I’m going to let go of all my bad habits- stealing, fighting, and robbing, which furthered my incarceration. I’m starting by successfully getting out of the Hall and getting off of probation. 

              I’ve been setting some goals for myself, such as being a loyal father and being there for my child. I’m going to change my ways and be with my girl forever. I want to make my family proud and happy with my progress. This is going to be a good year. I’m going to defeat my problems and be successful. I’ve been locked up, but I’ll be out soon. 

 

Entry #2015

Dear Uncle

I wish you could read this but you are not here. When I get out I will burn it to hope my message finds you, because I cannot give it to you. I’m going to tell you something you didn’t know about me before you left us.

What you should know is that when you left, it was hard for me to accept you were gone. It was also hard for the rest of the family too, but mostly mom. When mom drinks, she always talks about you and it is hard to see her cry. I try to help her when she cries. It’s hard for her to handle losing you, because you are her only brother.

I cannot lie: I needed you for a long time. My life changed when you left us. I started getting into trouble to the point where I got locked up for a long time. If you were here, you would have beat the **** out of me if I got locked up for stealing or something.

Like I said, I will burn this message so you can see.

 

Entry #2016

Differences

I hope to create a better person in myself this year and catch up on school, earning my credits for all the time I missed. If I was to have a do-over I wouldn’t have gone out and did what I did. The things I’ll say goodbye to is the alcohol because I can’t control my actions when I’m under the influence. A goal I want in life is to work as a lineman or work for the union and I would make it happen by focusing and working hard. If I was to succeed it would feel good.

My parents are cool. My mom raised me while my dad was on drugs, stealing cars, and doing dumb shit. The difference between my mom and dad is that my mom works hard on her parenting while my dad just does what he does and doesn’t help or anything. Yes, I would parent differently. I don’t want my kids to be like me and do dumb shit and smoke weed and drink alcohol.

My parents aren’t together. They split up when I was 2 or 3 and no, they were never married. I love how my mom works hard and tries as much as she can and tries to get me whatever I want. I wish my dad would just stay out of the way and get a job and not do the drugs.

 

Entry #2017

Changing the Cycle

Sitting at home alone again 

waiting for you to come tuck me in.

I sit in the window, watching the cars drive past

It usually takes a couple hours until I realize

that you have different intentions.

 

It’s as though we don’t know how to talk

because we always scream

You must not have noticed, but that caused 

mental illness.

You posed as good parents 

but between you and me

I don’t think you actually wanted me.

 

Being a good parent is not much work-

it takes a lot of patience and good communication,

love and affection even when you are 

stressing.

 

I must step up and take responsibility 

as I now have a son who’s counting on me

It’s time to change the cycle, though I’m only

sixteen.

 

I will make sure my son feels loved,

protected

and never neglected.

I know you hope that I will not succeed-

but thank you for showing me

who not to be.

 

Entry #2018

Them Fools

This year I hope to finish school, graduate, and get into college, you feel me. A change that would be made is some of the people I used to hang with I’m for surely cutting off: the people that aren’t here for me when I really need them. Like fools can’t even put money on the phone or answer a three-way call. It’s crazy how some girls be sending letters and be putting money on the phone when these so called friends can’t even bother hitting up my mom to see if I’m doing alright. I would be saying good-bye to them fools.

 

Entry #2019

My Parents

All my life my mother has been there for me more than my father has ever been. My mother demands and earns respect and kindness. Having lots of respect for the people around you can help you in the long run in many different ways no matter how you see things in your own eyes. Being negative can affect you and the people around you and drag people down into feeling bad about themselves. My father thinks much differently, he thinks no matter what is said or done it shouldn’t matter much or affect anyone around you in anyway. When I become a parent, I’m going to teach my kids much differently than my mother or my father. I want my kids to be respectful but never be walked on. I’m going to raise my kids much different because of my experiences growing up.  Me and my father are no longer close anymore because of family issues. My favorite thing about my relationship with my mother is the connection and the ability to open up to my mother and tell everything.

 

Entry #2020

The Escape

Sometimes you need to get away from yourself/other people. Most people would listen to music, watch a movie, smoke, talk to someone, get on their phone, etc.  One thing that I’ve learned to do to get away while being locked up is reading.  A lot of people like to read, but most don’t. I was part of the people who didn’t like to read, but I’ve learned that reading can be an escape from everything, especially when people are talking crazy to you.  Once you open up the book you get lost in it and it’s like you are not yourself, and living the life of the main character.

 

Entry #2021

Let Alone Three

My parents weren’t the best in the world. I can even bet you that they wouldn’t be the best at show of “PARENTS OF THE WORST KIND!” They would have needed to be on something like, “TERRIBLE PEOPLE WHO SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD A KID, LET ALONE 3.” My father has been the one I’ve lived with most of my life and to be honest it was great at first. But then we drifted apart which may have been for the best because I would have never been able to become who I am today without my flaws and past history.

Now my mother on the other hand was someone who really was never around. I mean, she tried to be, but she has a lot of her own problems. She can’t really help the fact that she’s crazy or maybe she is just lying about that too. That’s just who she is and how she’s always been. But hey, I still love them more than anything in the world. My momma tried her best with my brothers and myself but she just couldn’t handle us one day and gave up. That, I do kind of blame her for because I just don’t think it should be that easy to let go of someone that you are responsible for bringing to life. I wasn’t raised in the right ways so now I’m struggling in life, and I do believe strongly that if I was raised differently I would be a lot more successful.

My parents haven’t really been together since I was young. My parents were married for a second time, a month after I was born. My dad left my mom for our babysitter, 2 years later after my little brother was born. So, now, they have three kids: my oldest brother, me, and our little brother. Yup, that was us, a stepmom, a dad, and sometimes a mom.

What I have always hated with both of my parents and now my third one, was that no matter what, I was always identified to be the smaller version of my mom. That was a really messed up thing to say, because I know that I would have done so many things differently and not ever would I make the same mistakes that woman did.

 

Entry #2022

Starting Over

I’m 15 years old I’ve been locked up for a couple months. I think I’ll get out in 6 months to a year. When I do I will go live with my aunt and start over. I miss the outs. I hope I don’t get in trouble again. I also hope I succeed in life. At home I live with my mom and two brothers. We also have a Frenchie.

 

Entry #2023

Incorrectly Correct 

To succeed is something I feel is phrased correctly, but incorrectly. I feel it can be said “to succeed” or “to be content”. Both are alike, but to succeed is to read a goal, to be content is to continue succeeding, but to enjoy where you are at life. For myself to view things as a success, I would first have to feel it. Feeling content with the job I may have, is a view of success. Saving and spending reasonably is another thing. To know I can handle things with or without support openly and honestly “want” to do so, is success. Finding the time I spend with work, education, self-care and relations, as well as reasonably and comfortably divided is success. Being able to get through the rough areas, not with ease, but time and patience to continue growing into who I enjoy being, is success. Life can be a lot of things, but being where I enjoy and want to be to grow into who I love being, that is success. 

 

Entry #2024

2024

This new year is 2024. If I can create something I would create a better bond with my family. Or maybe I could create bonds with new people. If I had a do-over/a clean slate, I would create myself to be a better person. I wouldn’t hang out with the same people I do today. Create a life I want before it’s too late. If that was possible I would be saying goodbye to my brothers, my dad…everyone really. The goal I would set for my future self is to make the most out of everything in my life. You may never know when you will lose it. It would look like the best day of my life to know I can accomplish these things.

 

Entry #2025

On a Stage

If I were given a clean slate I would think about my past choices, a lot more specifically, keep my mind on positive things. If that happened I would definitely be on a stage rapping a song that anyone being thrown through the ringer will relate to. Drugs is only one of the things I would say goodbye to, having a choice. I would be getting my whole family into big houses, nice cars, and giving them lots of money. I know that writing and singing/rapping my songs will take me and my family out of current situations such as poverty, unemployment, and hopelessness.

 

Entry #2026

Dad Taught Me Well

What makes a parent is always being there for their kids and giving good advice. Also, by getting them to learn how to make fires, food, and money and how to teach them to work on cars and work hard. My mom was never there for me or my siblings. My dad was there and is still there for us. My dad may have been hard on us boys but we benefited from it because of how hard he made us work. Sure, he beat our *** when we got in trouble. It made us think about our choices and that is how it is sometimes. My dad taught me well other than me choosing to do wrong. Now I have to be somewhat the same with my kids so hopefully they don’t do the same **** I was doing.