Entry #2027

Cell Door Closing

I remember my brothers and sisters.

I remember being happy at one point.

I remember sleeping on the floor.

I remember not having power for a couple of months.

I remember bouncing around houses because we had nowhere to go.

I remember being hungry most of all.

I remember the sound of my cell door closing at 9:00 pm every night.

I remember the press 3 every time I use the collect call phone.

I remember the phone call I got about my mom the night she passed.

I remember there was nothing I could do.

I remember the sympathy from my friends and the sorrows from my siblings.

I remember going to court.

I remember the cold feeling of the handcuffs when they were put on my wrist.

I remember the feeling of being incarcerated.

I remember getting used to it.

I remember my friends saying it would be all right.

I remember the judge saying it wasn’t.

I forgot how it was to have freedom,

but I will always remember how it was when I got that freedom taken away.

 

Entry #2028

Back in The Day

Back in the day things were much easier. I miss the days of being a child. Things were just a lot simpler than they are now. I miss how back in the day when we were young, if we messed up people laughed or felt bad. But now that we’re older, if we mess up we get told that we’re a ****  up and that we’re just like our parents. Now that we’re older they all want us in a cell for every little mistake. I miss how back in the day, I used to think I was going to get arrested for getting caught stealing candy from the liquor store. I miss worrying about what was going to be for lunch at school and whose team I was going to be on for soccer. I miss how back in the day there was nothing we had to worry about. I miss when times were simpler and the world was brighter.

 

Entry #2029

The Way Things Change

I remember when I thought playing with dolls was fun.    

I remember when I thought moving out and living on my own would be cool.

I remember when I wasn't frustrated with the world.

I remember when I didn't have contempt for police and authority.

I remember when I didn’t have a hunger for this disastrous thing called “crystal”.

I remember when I wasn't full of rage and life didn’t always weigh me down.

I remember when life was simple.

 

Entry #2030

Numbing the Pain

I remember being home wondering why my mom and dad were constantly fighting. I was a kid just lost and scared. I remember walking in on my dad doing drugs and my mom getting way too drunk. I remember when my mom would beat me just because I reminded her of my dad. Now that’s just sad. I remember my mom saying I’ll be just like my pops. Now I will show that I will not. I remember trying to stay out their way, but they always seemed to find me. I remember when my parents broke up, I thought things were going to get better, but they just got worse when my step-dad came along. My mom’s hatred for my dad was constantly taken out on me and my step-dad would join along with her. It made me grow hatred for both of them. I remember popping my first pill. It numbed my pain, but I didn’t like how it felt. I remember my first time drunk. It numbed my pain and I love how that feels. I remember when my mom kicked me out, I was scared and cold on the streets. I had to try and survive so in school I focused the least. I remember when I touched my first band, that’s when I became hotheaded. I remember when I got my first gun, I thought that I was Superman. I remember when I stole my first car, I felt like Tony Stark. I remember when my cousin died. I cried so much that I can’t anymore. My eyes are dry. I remember when I first got locked up, I didn’t know what to do or how to act. All I think about is freedom now.  I didn’t know how to feel when the judge gave me a couple of years, but now I know I’ll be out one day. One day…

 

Entry #2031

Handcuffs

I remember being a little boy running on the football field. I remember not having to look back at every car when walking around. I remember not having to worry about helping my mom out with rent. I remember not having to buy my own food and clothes. I remember not having to walk around with something to protect me. I remember not having a bed. I remember my mom saying just make a pallet on the ground. I remember getting locked up and the feeling of the back of the cop car. I remember having to dodge the cops. I remember the feeling of handcuffs on my wrists. I remember the first time I had to dodge bullets. I remember getting the call about my friend passing away off pills. I remember everyone counting on me telling me I can go somewhere and be this and that and now it feels like I’m a **** up. I remember telling myself I’m going to graduate from a normal school and walk the stage. Now I got to graduate from juvenile hall. I remember seeing my mom struggle and cry and now I can’t even give her a hug and tell her everything’s going to be alright.

Entry #2032

Something Changed

I remember when I was 13. I broke my wrist on my bike going down the road to smoke. After I was out of the hospital, I got my ass whooped when they found the zah in my pocket. It was a bad day. I remember my first time going to juvie, I was nine years old. I got driven from Chico to Oroville and my parents wouldn’t pick me up, so I was sitting there for hours. I remember when I was six and didn’t have a single mad aggressive bone in my body. Something changed. Someone changed. People around me started being cruel. I started to become quiet. I started to become angry and I felt like I had to run everywhere I went. I started to feel unwelcome. I started to hate myself. I started to become the people around me.      

  

 

Entry #2033

A Part From Me

I remember back when I was a small child I didn’t have to worry about much. If my mom had enough money to get me and my siblings by. I remember when I used to be innocent, laugh whenever, play football, and chill with my family. Now I feel like a **** up. My family’s rooting me on, but I just keep getting locked up and keep messing up school, nonstop flights, drugs, drinking, smoking etc. I remember when my grandpa was still alive, I just wanted to make him proud. But then when he died it took a part from of me. Actually, a lot more than that. It also took the giving a **** about anything out of me, but I’m trying to find myself again. I’ll be there one day, hopefully.

 

Entry #2034

IF I WAS HOME

If I was home I would probably be just chilling at home or just hanging out with some friend who I now realized are not the best people in the world. If I was home I would change my ways and be much smarter about the things that I was doing when I was still out. If I was home I would spend a lot more time with the ones that I love the most like my mother and my aunty. If I was home I would apologize to the people that I hurt and show them that I really can change and that I’m not the person everyone says that I am. If I was home I would try my hardest in school and start participating in more sports again. If I was home I would make sure I was not involved in any more toxic friendships or relationships and focus on myself and better myself.

 

Entry #2035

Normal Again

I remember when my brother got locked up and missed 10 years of his life, nothing has ever been so hard for me or my mother. I remember when my brother had just got out of prison. He came home and everything hit me; things were so hard without him and everything was normal again. I remember when I got locked up for the first time. I felt so invincible like no one could ever tell me anything ever again about the thing I was doing. I got out the next day. When I first came back, I was so worried because of the things that had happened. Now I am facing many years at such a young age. Everything is tough. I remember when I first started messing up my life, smoking weed, drinking as often as I could, and I would just go around and do violent things around town. I remember when I finally came to the point where I told myself that it was time to change, but things just never really work out as I had planned.

 

 

Entry #2036

Looking for Eggs

Well if I was home right now instead of being in the juvenile hall, I’d be spending time with my brother, niece and nephews. I’d probably be making them food. I love to spend as much time as possible with them as well as with my brother. He works on his car with his other buddy and I enjoy being out there with them. They try to get me to work on cars with them and sometimes I do. When the kids are at school and I have some time to myself, I’m just on my phone most of the time. I also would be playing games during my free time, mostly to clear my mind. I wish I would’ve been there for Easter. I wanted to watch the kids have fun looking for eggs and the excitement when they found them. This is what I would’ve been doing if I wasn’t in juvenile hall.

 

Entry #2037

The Old Days

Damn, sometimes I wish I could return to the old days: a childhood full of innocence. My life was simpler. But now I feel like a failure, and the lust of drugs fills my head. It seems I can never get rid of it.

 I remember my love for people, but now it feels like the world has turned on me. Like I'm trapped. Trapped in a cage full of snakes, and slowly deteriorating… emotionally and also mentally. I remember my first time getting locked up. And that first turned into a second and a third, and I'm screaming now, but it feels as if I’m never heard. 

 So, the old days. My memories turned into a haze, I’m constantly in a daze. But now I crave something I'm not. Props to my brotha’ who was shot, protecting our country. Gave his whole life for a better ‘cause.But sometimes you gotta’ stop and pause.

To prevent a disaster, you don’t wanna swerve but you have to. So I reflect on the people I neglect and wish I could return to the old days. 

 

 

Entry #2038

Wondering

I remember long nights on the streets with my friends smoking weed and getting into trouble with the cops. I remember watching someone get shot for the first time at the age of 12. I remember getting into fights and running from the cops. I remember running down kids, jumping them at school, and repeatedly getting suspended, to the point I eventually got expelled. I remember asking my family for help getting out of the streets, but all they said was to keep fighting through it. I remember when I was young, my parents said I was going to be a star one day. Instead, I’m locked up. I remember a lot of time I was up in the middle of night wondering if I would survive the night or just be killed by someone. I remember being on the streets, thinking about what my parents were doing, but I always knew they were thinking about me.

 

Entry #2039

My Love

I remember when I first saw him, shit was crazy to me. I instantly knew he was gonna be mine.

I remember when it was never a dull moment around him. I remember when it was just starting to get serious with him, I knew he was my love forever and always.

I remember when it all started to fall apart, and we started robbing people and places and getting into high speed chases.

I remember when it was my birthday this past year, and I got the feeling I’d never be with him again.

I remember all the toxic stuff we went through, all the stuff we each other through.

I remember when I saw him again, after the break up, and we got back together. 

 

Entry #2040

December

I remember Casamigos. I remember chilling with the freak show. I remember warzone that’s all gone now. I’m in my cell thinking, why can’t juveniles get bail. I remember free life. I remember sleeping peaceful at night. I’m in the hall thinking what girl should I call. I want time to go fast. I want to leave everything in the past. I remember good food, now every time I eat Juvy food it puts me in a bad mood. I remember Christmas on the outs. I hate December now.

 

Entry #2041

Switching Normal

I’ve been locked up for over 6 months and honestly, it’s not that bad. I still got at least a year and a half left though, most-likely even more. I’m about to spend my first birthday locked up. I hate knowing I can’t be with my family and friends for my birthday.

              One of my moral’s is don’t show emotion, such as crying, in front of other people. It shows weakness and I’m not a weak individual.

              Something I realized since being locked up is you have to do the time, you can’t let the time do you. When I’m in court I get nervous like I have stage fright in front of the judge. I mean he does control when I get to go home. I hate it when the DA speaks, I know it’s his job but he makes it seem like I’m going to get out and perform multiple homicides. I hate him even if it is his job.

              I honestly never imagined myself graduating high school, but now I know I can. I never realized how smart I truly am until I got locked up. ****, I used to think I was an idiot. Maybe being in here has benefits I don’t quite realize yet, I guess I’ll find out when I’m out.

              When I’m out I want to be able to have a family and a nice job. I want to find true happiness, I’m not sure if that will happen though. If I have kids best believe I’ll be way better parents than my parents were. My kids are going to live good and I’ll a make sure of it.

              I’m so used to being in here honestly, I don’t even know what it feels like to be out anymore. I like it that way, it makes my time feel like it’s going by faster. Even if I don’t realize it, I’ll be home one day. That day, my normal will be switched from being locked up, to back home with my family.

             

Entry #2042

My Normal Tuesday

     If I were at home today I would be at school playing basketball, listening to music and after that I would eat a good lunch at Smokin’ Joes. I would eat a steak sandwich and garlic fries. The first bit of that steak is so juicy, there's just so many flavors. I would go back to school after lunch and hop onto Edgenuity. I would end my day off by going to drug and alcohol treatment by the county jail.

 Entry #2043

In My Cell and Sober

I remember a time when life was sort of simple for me. I got so lost in routine that I could do most activities on auto pilot. I never had to put much thought into anything I did because I was so used to doing everything in sequence that change was my enemy in a way. I was so use to my schedule that I could use marijuana any time of the day because I was so use to being high while doing my everyday tasks that it no longer affected me. I never realized how bad that was for me until I was incarcerated. I began to realize all of the things I was blocking out and all the emotions I numbed for so long. Dealing with these emotions now is hard because I never realized how some things affected me and how deeply I was hurt until I had to feel all those emotions. I remember when my step dad past away and I felt so weird because although I was sad and I cried, I struggled to express so much of those emotions because I would numb them. That hit me really hard once I was forced into a whole new routine that required me to be sober. I had to feel it all. I never realized how deeply hurt I really was about my dad dying until I was alone in my cell, sober and stripped from every normal, familiar thing I knew; I still feel really guilty about my dissociation. I feel like it’s weird and wrong that I couldn’t express how actually upset I really was at the time, but I am learning to give myself grace and have patience with myself. The longer I am sober the more I feel it but I understand that it gets easier the more I feel it and learn to understand my emotions and how to express and cope with them. #freeme