Entry # 1719

Thoughts

If you really knew me you would know this is my first time being in juvenile hall.

You would know I hate being locked up.

If you really know me, you would know I like to play basketball and football because they’re fast sports.

You would know I used to have a pit-bull and a boxer until I lost them: my boxer died and my pit got stolen.

If you really knew me, you would know I pray every night before I go to sleep or anytime I eat.

You would know I like to play fortnight on my free time.

You would know my fav food is Takis and Cheetos.

If you really know me, you would know when I lay down in my pod I always get thoughts about my family.

Entry #1720

Tying Shoes

Thing #1 you should know about me is I have never had a felony charge.

Thing #2 the only dead body I've ever seen is my best friend’s.

Thing #3 I have 13 other siblings, 9 of which I know are alive.

Thing #4 you should know about me is I have a brother I've never met before.

Thing #5 like a lot of other people, I don't know my biological father.

Thing #6 I am not a person who makes friends easily.

Thing #7 you should know about me is I've never been to the ocean but I have been to India.

Thing #8 I have only shot a gun 3 times and all in the same day.

Thing #9 it took me till the 8th grade to learn how to tie my shoes.

Thing #10 you should know about me is that to me there's a difference between friends and homies. Friends are people that are there for you, watch your back, and stop you from making dumb decisions. Homies are the ones you can party with, do stupid stuff with, and they are also the ones you’re most likely to get in trouble with.

Entry #1721

CHANGE!  

I was a poor kid growing up with family problems like most people I know.

I remember the first time I went to a foster home I was just 3 years old.

I heard people tell me I was never going to become anything in life.

I saw drug use around me all the time growing up.

I worried that I was going to end up just the same lost in life depending on drugs to make me happy.

I thought I was never going to use drugs.  

But, I want to change.

I am an 18-year-old girl and was a drug addict for 3 years.

I think I am useless and that I will not get far in life.

I need to finish school and do my time.

I try to better myself each day I spend here in JJC.

I feel sad having to be me and when I start to think of my family and how I let them down.

I forgive my family for not being perfect but they always tried so hard to give me everything they could.

Now I can change.

I will finish school and graduate.

I choose to stay sober once I get out.

I dream of being able to buy my parents a house to take them out of our struggle.

I hope I learn from my mistakes to show my parents I am better than who I use to be.

I predict I am going to have my downfalls because no one is perfect.

I know I can accomplish my goals if I stay positive and strong for my family and myself.

I will change.

Entry #1722

Getting It Together

If you really knew me, you would know I like to ride bmx bikes and hit dirt jumps.

you would know I love racing dirt bikes.

you would know I'm smart but hate homework.

If you really knew me, you would know I love animals. I have two dogs.  

If you really knew me, you would know the main person in my life is my dad. He is like my best friend.

you would know I want to get my stuff together and get out of juvenile hall.

If you really knew me, you would know I want to go back to a regular high school and get my diploma.

Entry #1723

If You Really Knew Me Poem

If you really knew me, you would know that I’m not bad.

If you really knew me, you would know that I’m sad for the things I once had.

I feel quite bad for the way that I acted and feelings I brought

But I know it will all change from some good words with God up top.

Entry #1724

Changed

I was once crazy in the head.

I remember when my brother passed.

I heard my great grandma, who acted like my mother, was sick.

I saw my mother be abused.

I worried that my little brother followed in my footsteps.

I thought at times I would rather be dead because I did not care.

But I want to change.

I am a solid individual.

I think before I react.

I need to watch my anger.

I try not to jump to conclusions right away.

I feel angry all the time.

I forgive my parents for everything.

Now I can change.

I will prove others wrong who think that I’m only a screw up.

I choose to be the best older brother to my siblings, be the best son to my parents, also the best father to my daughter. 
I dream to care for my family and make the most money I can.

I hope to not return to custody. I predict that I will accomplish my goals and succeed.

I know I can do anything I put my mind to.  

I will change.

Entry #1725

Toatin’ Freedom

If you really knew me, you would know….

I’m proud of being Black

That the hardest thing I have ever done is being away from my family

One piece of good news from my life this month is I got a deal

My relationship with my family is good

What I find most difficult about coming to school is doing homework

What I love about school is the girls

That my biggest dream is to get out of jail

The person I feel closest to is my best friend because we’ve done a lot of things together

If I had three wishes, I would wish to be home, be next to my girl, and have a lot of money

My biggest fear is not getting out

I would give anything to see freedom, but

I believe in toatin’ firearms.

Entry #1726

Whatever I Put My Mind To

I was just a kid running the streets.

I remember dark nights and bright candles.

I heard gunshots and people crying.

I saw my friend lose his life.

I worried that I would be next.

I thought of myself locked up or dead.

But, I want to change.

I am a believer.

I think I can be someone better.  

I need to ask for support from my family.  

I try to be good.

I feel lost and ashamed.

I forgive myself for my past behaviors.  

Now I can change.

I will be someone important in life.  

I choose to be closer to my family.

I dream to have my own things in life, because then I will be more appreciative of what life gives me.

I hope to be a successful person.

I predict myself opening up my own animal rescue.  

I know I can accomplish whatever I put my mind to.

I will change.  

Entry #1727

Like Him

1 You should know I am a middle child of 10 kids: 5 are my moms and 5 are my dads. But I'm the only one born from my mom and dad.

2 I would die for my family.

3 I grew up in the Bay Area mainly San Jose and Santa Cruz

4 I don't really know my biological father. Last time I saw him it was 2009 and he was arrested for beating up a guy that tried to kidnap me. Which explains why I hate authority.

5 I have been locked up about 15 times for things ranging from petty theft to guns and drug charges.

6 I was born in a local hospital and I died for 3 minutes and 33 seconds before being revived.

7 You should know I hate school.

8 I have 15 dogs. 4 Pit Bulls 1 Rat Dog 2 German Shepard's 2 Rottweilers 2 Doberman Pinschers and 4 Huskys.

9 you should know I'm 15 and am "6' 1".

10 I look up to my older brother who was a criminal, like me, but changed and owns a business in Oregon. I'm going to be like him one day.

Entry #1728

Leaving the Bad Stuff Behind

If you really knew me you would know I've rode BMX since I was 15 years old. I'm not the best but I am pretty good. It's my hobby and favorite thing to do. It is what I really want to do for the rest of my life.

You would know that I've been locked up 4 times since June of last year and now I'm in a long term program, also, that I regret a lot of the stuff I did.

If you really knew me, you would know I'm the first child in my family of four: my Mom, Dad, and little sister who is 12.

If you really knew me you would know I'm a very active person who hates sitting around. I get bored very easy that is one of the reasons I'm locked up. I've had ADHD all my life.

You would know I've moved around a lot in my life. I've lived in Montana, California, Illinois, Washington, where I was born, and Oregon.

You would know I've been to countless schools. The longest I've stayed at a school is while I've been locked up.

You would know my dream is to join the military. I have wanted to join the marines since I was small. I want to join and be a field mechanic or a infantry man.

If you really knew me you would know I have lived in the same town for three years, but that's where I started getting into trouble.

You would know me and my dad have built cars since I was little and that's what sparked my interest in cars.

If you really knew me, you would know that after I get out of here I'm planning on moving to Montana with my grandparents and leaving the bad part of my life behind. And I'll probably be going to boot camp out there.

Entry #1729

Distancing Fear

If you really knew me, you would know…

I’m proud of my talent

That the hardest thing I have ever done is sat in this place

My relationship with my family is amazing

What I love most about school is having good test scores

That my biggest dream is to be freed

The person I feel closest to is my dad because he has done nothing but cared for me

If I had three wishes, I would wish to be back with my pops and step-mom, to see my sisters and brothers, and to be layin’up with my girl

My biggest fear is staying locked up

I believe in myself

Entry #1730

My Change Poem  

I was a troublemaker.  

I remember when I fought with my family.  

I heard that I was the worst sister ever.

I saw my anger come out of me.  

I worried about my anger coming out again.

I thought I was going to end up on the streets and my family would give up on me.

But, I want to change.

I am a not so perfect, loving child.

I think everybody makes mistakes.

I need to keep my head on my shoulders.

I try to be sure to make the right decision at all times.

I feel like I can be a better person and achieve my goals.

I forgive my loved ones I struggled with.

Now I can change.

I will be a role model to my family and friends.

I choose to do the right thing in life and try to achieve my goals to better myself.

I dream that someday I will be a loving mom just like my mother.

I hope someday I will be the sweet young lady my mother taught me to be.

I predict to be a successful and happy young lady.

I know that I will be a person to change people’s lives.

I will change.

Entry #1731

Anything for Better

If you really knew me, you would know…

One piece of good news from my life this week is I might get out

My relationship with my family is great

That I find most difficult about coming to school is waking up

What I love most about school is lunch

My biggest dream is to possibly be a football player

The person I feel closest to is mom because she understands me

My biggest fear is being gone forever

I would give anything to see me doing better than ever

I would change my lifestyle

I believe in God.

Entry #1732

Making the Best Of It

I was born and raised here.  I'm 17 years old and I'm a very outgoing person. I'm a very chill person, but when I get angry, I snap...I lose it! People tell me I have anger issues. I never wanted to believe it, but sadly I'm starting to realize it's true. I hate being where I'm at, which is currently the County Juvenile Hall. I started realizing I have anger issues while in this place, because when I get angry I love inflicting pain on somebody or breaking something, and obviously I can't do that in here. Anger gives me anxiety.

I feel like a big part of me is my friends and family; they're a big part of who I am. I'm not exactly too good in school. I started cutting school in the 8th grade and officially dropped out in 9th grade. This is where my short temper came into play. I had enemies and idiots who would simply bother me and I felt like it was my job to take care of it by fighting. It seemed to me like the teachers cared, but not enough to do something about it. I never got to attend real high school. By the time I hit 8th grade I was at a continuation school.

As I've grown over the years I realized I have a tremendous amount of pride, and my loyalty is strong, especially if I consider you my brother or family. Sadly but true my loyalty has taken the heat for my close ones, and my anger has exploded on people who did my family wrong.

I really enjoy going to Upper Park with my close friend and hiking the Indian caves. We enjoy the view and blow off steam. Growing up, I really enjoyed yo-yoing. I learned at school from my peers, I haven't yo-yoed in a while but I feel like I still got it.

Nowadays, I really enjoy music and sports. My favorite music is gangster rap. I've been dying to listen to my playlist. Other than music, I really enjoy sports. I'm not good at every sport, but I really enjoy soccer, basketball, and football.

Growing up living where I did, I'm surprised I didn't catch a serious charge until my 17 years of life. I guess I was slick for only so long. They're charging me with 2 felonies. I guess the upside to this whole sticky situation is I can make the best of it now and graduate school. As you know by reading my story I didn't think I was gonna graduate. 

Entry #1733

True Calling

If you really knew me you'd know that

I am a loyal understanding person with a low GPA

Growing up I skated, danced, and all types of things trying to find my true calling and still haven't discovered it.

To this day I know what makes me happy, but it never works in my favor so I was categorized as a common criminal. What makes me happy is helping people anyway, no matter the cost.

I love tattoos and I have 3, but I hate being judged. I hate when people aren't really themselves.

People think I'm smart and have lots of potential, but I never seem to feel it nor see it in myself.

I honestly like knowledge and hope to have tons one day.

I can see right through people and get at least an idea of who they really are quickly.

I have a lot of common sense. It's hard to get by me.

I am an emotional dude and tend to manipulate without trying.

I have 6 felonies including my current ones and they do not define me!

Entry #1734

CHANGE

I was young and depressed.

I was always sad and angry.

I remember being left alone by myself.

I heard my mom yelling at me and putting me down.

I saw her hit me multiple times.

I worried that she hated me.

I thought to myself I have no one.

But, I want to change.

I am older and happier.

I think I’m better on my own.

I need to be positive because everything I’ve been through was negative.

I try not to turn back to my old ways of negativity.

I feel worthless.

I forgive her for all the pain and suffering she put me through.

Now I can change.

I will be better than her.

I choose to be positive and learn from my past.

I dream that I’ll be successful.

I hope that one day I can move on from my past.

I predict that I will not be ashamed to be myself.

I know I’m not worthless.

I will change.

Entry #1735

Making Great Accomplishments

If you really knew me you would know that this is my 12th month being locked up and I only have 2 more months left.

You would know that I caught my first charge when I was 15 which was a felony. If I could go back and not do it I would because I would not be in the system .

You would know that throughout high school I dropped out many times. I would never go. Now that I have been here for so long I only have 19 credits left and will be graduated in the next 2 months!

If you really knew me you would know that I am now 18 years old and am just now realizing that I can make great accomplishments in my life.

You would know that I have an amazing girlfriend that I can't thank God enough for. I have known her since I was 8. She is my best friend, my queen, my everything.

If you really knew me, you would know that growing up, I had some bad times and felt as if I was worthless in this world. Now I am striving and I am going to keep striving and I’m not going to let my past determine my future.

If you really knew me you would know that I hate being locked up and when I get out I’m going to do everything in my power not to ever come back to places like this.

You would know that I love working outdoors and that when I get out I am going to work for the CCC (California Conservation Corps).

You would know that I love being around people.

If you really knew me you would know that I am going to make the best out of my life and my future.

Entry #1736

Calm Learning

If you really knew me, you would know…

My relationship with my family is fine

That what I find most difficult coming to school is being around people

What I love most about school is learning

The person I feel closest to is ______ because he is

The way most people see me or label me is calm

My biggest fear is death. 

Entry #1737

I Was Normal

I ride BMX bikes  I used to ride scooters but I hit my face on the half pipe and I started riding BMX bikes instead.

I love to play GTA 5 it is my favorite game

I have a dog named Bingo he is hella cute. I don't know what type of dog he is though.

I’m a foster kid. I was 5 months old when I got put in foster care. I was adopted at age 6 months. I grew up with a foster mom and dad. I was a normal kid and I was doing good until 3rd grade. I got suspended the first day and 4th grade. I got expelled the first week and I stopped going to school. Now I’m in 7th grade and I don't go to school...until I got here and it makes me want to go to school again.

Entry #1738

Things You Should Know About Me

1.I am the oldest out of 3 kids. My little brother is nine. My little sister is 12.

2. When I was about 9 years old I had an appendicitis attack. I was a couple hours close to dying.

3. I have been arrested four times: all within three months.

4. When I was 11 years old I raced BMX. I was going on a winning streak and I hit a jump wrong and crashed falling off a wall. I hit my head,rolled my ankle, fractured my wrist, and had to go to the hospital. I blacked out and had a concussion. I was really out of it for 2 days. I haven't raced since.

5. Last year me and my close homeboy were riding a motorbike all around town. We ended up at one-mile and lost control. We were going straight towards the water and my homeboy told me not to jump off: and I didn't listen. I missed the water. My leg smashed on the concrete.  I had road burn from my ankle to the top of my thigh and my knee was super bruised. We had his dad come pick us up and I didn't walk for like a week I was in so much pain.

6. Over the summer of last year I went to Texas to stay with my aunt. I took a train out their and I'm very into photography so I took a lot of pictures, especially In New Mexico and past the border, as well as many other places ( I don't remember the names). When I got home a week later I broke my phone and lost all the pictures I had taken.  Well over 100.

7. About two months ago I was on the run from probation. I was hanging out downtown at the park, I was in a really good mood, not worried about anything and me and all my friends were all hanging out having a good time and then all of a sudden they all got quiet. I turned to see probation coming from several directions.  

Entry # 1739

Change

I was a bad little kid and a thief.

I remember when my little brother died.

I heard bad things from older people growing up.

I saw people doing drugs.

I worried that I wouldn’t be loved.

I thought I would never get to this point.

But, I want change.

I am in the process of becoming a successful person.

I think that anybody can be successful in life.

I need to stop smoking and drinking.

I try and not think about what others have to say about me.

I feel very stressed and depressed.

I forgive my mom and dad for never being there.

Now I can change.

I will go to school.

I choose to stay out of trouble.

I dream that I can be successful in life.

I hope that I will be successful.

I know that I can change my life around.

I will change

Entry #1740

Making Mama Smile

If you really knew me, you would know…

I am proud of my bros

That the hardest thing I have ever done is give out passes

One piece of good news from my life this week is my niece is turning one

My relationship with my family is Gucci and Gabana

I find most difficult about coming to school is sitting in boring-ass classes

My biggest dream is to get 5 million dollars

The person I feel closest to is _______ because that’s my fella fella

If I had three wishes, I would wish for a million dollars, my brother succeeding, and my mama getting everything she needs

The funniest thing I remember happening is hitting and running

The way most people see me or label me is a bad fella

My biggest fear is dying broke

I would give anything to see my mama smile

I wouldn’t change anything ‘bout my family

I believe in Allah

Entry #1741

My Poem for Change

I was just a little boy running around my neighborhood being bad

I remember I fell one time and busted my head

I heard that if I bled a lot I would die...people don’t know how I was feeling \

I was worried that I was going to die, I just couldn’t stop crying  

Then I realized I would be okay and make it through many beautiful days; that little wounds won’t affect me and I’ll always keep on moving forward. I don’t let things get in the way of that

But I want to change  

I am older now and I don’t do as many kid things as I used to do when I was younger  

I think as I got older I started looking at things differently  

I needed to get up and get a job not only for me but for my daughter  

I try to do well and still stay in the hood but that’s not how the game works  

I feel like I’m stuck in this life and I’m going to forever be stuck  

I forgive everyone who says I wouldn’t make it  

Now I can change  

I will get a job and be there for my daughter  

I choose not to go to the hood as much and kick back

I dream that one day I will be where I want to be and I’ll have a fat car and house with my family in it  

I hope my dream will come true because I’m going to put in the best I got for it to be here  

I predict it will come soon because the path I’m taking is beautiful  

I know I will do the best I can to give my daughter what she wants and what she needs