The Monster
The "monster" it eats you alive. When I got in contact with the "monster" I became afraid to leave, the power it has over me is to strong. I became a slave to it and it took me to a whole other universe I never would have thought existed. When I came back to reality nothing felt the same, and mentally neither was I.
I didn’t realize the "monster" had gotten to me until it was too late. I thought I was fine and everything was ok, but in reality it wasn’t. The "monster" changed my mindset to make me think everything was fine and what I was doing was ok, but really my family and friends were slowly watching me self-destruct.
My mind was in another place and my body was slowly deteriorating, feeling like I was on top of the world, but I wasn’t. I was programmed to think that because that is how the "monster" makes you feel, but in reality I was having a huge downfall. The only thing on my mind was when I was going to have my next visit with the "monster."
I started to push away the people who cared and I attracted the people who don't, blinded. Amped up on the charge and thinking it was great until I lost it. I was going crazy without my charge, almost zombie like, doing whatever I could to get that charge back. Sometimes I’d even stoop down to a level I never thought possible.
Eventually I became solely dependent on the "monster," risking my life and hurting my family just to get it. I was breaking myself mentally, emotionally, and physically, and I didn’t even realize it. If I did, I didn’t care. I loved my ride with the "monster" too much. Crystal Meth will always be my “monster.”
Entry #1779
Where I Am From
I am from a dad that is an alcoholic, a mother that’s an addict.
I am from lies and false promises.
from a heart full of hatred and sad emotions.
from a place where people hide their true identity.
I am from not really knowing my parents for years and shattered tears.
from a corrupt system that has let me down.
from being an angel to turning into a demon.
I am from living good to living bad.
from being abandoned to being rejected.
I am from doing drugs chilling with thugs and sleeping on rugs.
from staying up all night, getting high like a kite.
I am from mental institutions to drug programs.
from having no father figure to learning things on my own.
I am from running from cops to getting arrested.
from doing meth coming close to my death.
I am from a broken family.
from overdosing and almost dying.
from watching my mother destroy her life from a distance.
from trying to get something out of life, to losing everything.
I am from hustling dope to put food in my stomach.
Entry # 1780
I’m Not Done
I'm locked up, so I don't get to see my family much except on visiting days. But on those days my family doesn't come too often because they're disappointed in me.
I'm locked up, so I'm wishing I could go back home. Seeing my 4 year old sister's tear drops come out of her eyes gets to me. I’m having dreams that feel so real about going home but waking up to blue cell walls.
I'm locked up but changing day to day, waiting on my day.
I'm locked up, so I want to be the role model my little brother and sister want me to be. Thuggin’ on the streets leads to prison or death. 17 but still young thinking I'm old. Going out having fun with my homies, but one wrong move could be life changing.
I'm locked up so I want to change for the best for me before it’s too late and I end up in a big ditch where I won't be able to get out. "You won't be anything in life," the school staff where I was at would talk behind my back because my family was full of gang members, but I would never join them!
I'm locked up, but I would like to go to college as soon as I graduate high school. I messed up all 3 years of high school and it’s hard for me because I never was on track. I was on probation doing good and completed my case but then got caught up with a bigger case, wishing I never left my house to go out to a college party. Looking at my mom before I left my house she told me, "Something don't feel right Mijo," but that never stopped me.
Entry # 1781
The Clarity of Being Clean
It's 2019 and this year I have a goal for myself. That goal is to not ever use heroin or meth ever again. In about March or April of 2018 my life spun out of control, all because I started using meth. I stopped living at home and stopped talking to my family. My physical and mental health went to shit. I lost almost 50 pounds, started committing crimes, and the list of negatives goes on and on... My life continued like this for a good 6 or 7 months until November, when I got locked up for the first time. I was locked up for about 3 weeks because of a warrant, meaning I was clean for that time as well.
The time being clean helped me out a lot and since then I have never been as strung out as I was at that point. But that doesn't mean I stopped using after that. Shortly after my release I got into using heroin, and went from shooting up meth to heroin. Although this was a downfall, I almost completely stopped using meth. Meaning although my physical health was still declining, my mental health was slowly getting better. By this point I was starting to realize my mistakes and feel bad for what I had done. I had also moved back in with my dad and my brother and had stopped hanging out with most of the people that I used to do drugs with.
I didn't want to be using drugs, it wasn't fun anymore and I wasn't getting high, I was only using daily so that I wouldn't be severely sick. Knowing this made me super depressed because I felt like a slave to the drugs I was using. It was mid-January of this year when I got locked up again, and I've been locked up and clean for about 1 month since then. After using drugs for a long time and being engulfed in that sort of lifestyle, getting clean gives you a kind of clarity in your thinking that you wouldn't have been able to experience while on those drugs, and it makes you want to help yourself and get better. That is where I am at right now.
Entry # 1782
My Number One Main Goal
In this New Year, I want to accomplish some goals and make the best out of this year as well. My plan is to accomplish three goals by March 2019. First, I want to get custody, permanently, of my daughter. Second, I want to graduate from high school. Third, I want to complete probation. I am going to accomplish these goals by getting the help from people that are willing to help me achieve them. I also plan to achieve these goals by looking at the differences and the consequences that I would be facing if I continued down the path I am on right now.
First, as you can see, my daughter is my number one main goal. Due to me having a baby from a guy that physically abused me caused my daughter to be removed from my custody. I thought that having my newborn baby was going to make my baby’s father look at things different and change his ways. However, because I wanted my daughter to have a father figure in her life, I thought he was the best for us. He did not care and he kept hitting me. Having to go through this experience caused me to get some classes for domestic violence. I love my baby and I would not want her going through situations she does not belong in just because of the choices I made.
Second, completing high school is the second goal I have listed. I was raised with the expectation of getting educated. I remember when I was kid I would get in trouble because I would come home with a bad report card. I would be punished by not getting to go on outings with my family to places like Disneyland, Knott’s Berry Farm, etc. Now that I only have less than 10.5 credits left, I look at my education very seriously (Note from teacher...since writing this, student has graduated). I look at the future and ask myself what if I would have never finished school, how would I be able to support my daughter and myself? I want my daughter and my family to see that even though I was incarcerated, it did not stop me from finishing high school. I want the best for a good life, for myself, and for my baby.
Finally, yet importantly, I want to complete probation. I do not want to keep coming in and out of a place that keeps me away from the people that love me and that want the best for me. I want to be a successful; I want to have nice things. I want to be able to get a good job so that I can give my daughter nice things. I want to make everybody think differently about me. I know I can make a change. I am ready to be released and prove who I really am.
How would I feel if my daughter went through the same things I went through just because I did not want to change my ways?
Entry # 1783
Locked Up
I am locked up so
It’s an upper and a downer
But prepare for the worst
My soul cries and I pray to Jesus
While the devil sits in church
It started as a gift then it turned into a curse
It’s like a broken record but I still sit and rehearse
I’m locked up
So what does it mean
It’s goin’ through my mind then rippin’ down my spine
My past is in the future and my future is behind
Grindin’ up my bones, hear them bangin’ like a chime
Spit blood as the truth but people swear that I’m lyin’
Locked up till
I’m lyin’ in a grave to sacrifice my days
Pourin’ out my brain, watchin’ it go down the drain
Keepin’ up a guard, standin’ ‘till I’m slain
Dyin’ inside ‘cuz on the out, never tamed
I’m locked up
Entry # 1784
Freedom Boogie
I’m locked up and they won’t let me out! Being in here makes me close myself off and shut down. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to be bothered, and I most definitely want to break myself off from the rest of the world and just isolate on my own little island. I’m locked up so… I’m really, really, ready to go home. I want to be happy; I want to see my freedom song. I’m locked up so, my thoughts and feelings are trying to consume and haunt me, sitting in this cell, the extra time is really taunting me. Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock! I’m locked up so, I’ll be free soon not to be locked up anymore, Freedom, Freedom, Freedom! I’m locked up so, I can’t wait till that day really comes, when they open the cell doors, and sing that song (Not locked anymore), but at the end of the day this all feels like a déjà vu dream, I’ve been locked up for eight months so far, one more to go, this time went really slow and I’ve showed lots of emotions. I feel like I should be free, but I’m still here to write this song. I can sit and say this all day long I can’t wait till I’m free, to hit my freedom boogie.
Entry # 1785
Soul Searching
Every night while I sleep, I hear my grandpa and it makes me sad because I can't see him. When I think about him I want to cry, but for some reason, I just can’t. Two nights ago I heard his voice and I couldn't say anything. It hurts. Last night I felt his hand on my shoulder and he said, "Don't worry, I'll always be proud of you. I love you grandson." I can't see him and it makes me depressed. I don't talk about it to certain people in my family. The ones I do talk to cheer me up by saying "You know he's proud of you." I really wish I could see him again. I look up to my grandpa because he was always helping me when I was working on cars. I would do anything to have him back. My family is leaving me and I can't do anything about it, but sometimes I feel like I can. Some nights I can see him sitting next to me. I wish I could have I'm back. I want to have my grandpa see me succeed. I wanted him to know I'm going to be something, instead of being on the run all the time. One time my grandpa lectured me that I'm not going to succeed in life if I keep doing bad stuff, but I’ll take the steps to go to college. I know he was just saying that so I would stay in school. When I think of him it reminds me of when I was fourteen having fun playing games. Now he's gone and I want to do something with my life. I want to talk to my family about how I feel, but I don't think they would understand.
Entry #1786
Did I Lose Hope?
I'm locked up, well maybe I'm locked down. No actually I'm locked in.
I'm locked in, so I'm slowly going crazy…partially because I can't smoke.
Another factor in my slowly going crazy is the way my lady took away my daughter and took away my hope.
I feel like I'm drowning in this water, throw a rope
They say do you need bob barker soap? Nope
Maybe God made me crazy maybe I don't have a baby
Maybe I ain't even locked in, maybe I work at seven eleven and I'm just bored
Maybe I'm an underwater welder
Woah
Entry #1787
Where I Am From
I am from a lot of gang violence…I stole so many cars, I don’t know when I’ll get my license.
I am from a dysfunctional family…I stay riding with the homie.
I am from juvie…I hate waking up at six to do P.T.
I am from the tattoo on my arm…that lady saves me from all harm.
I am from the trenches…the courts call me a menace.
I am from a crack head…I’m surprised he’s in jail and not dead.
I am from an abusive relationship…he tries to control me like he’s my pimp.
I am from the rainbow… girls love when I tango.
I am from a beautiful race…my people come from a beautiful place.
I am from a broken heart…I feel like everything in my life is falling apart.
Entry #1788
Birthdays
I’m locked up and it’s my birthday
I’m locked up so I can’t tell my regular teacher “happy birthday.”
I’m locked up so I can’t see my friends
I’m locked up so I can’t see my dad or my mom
I’m locked up so I can’t see my twin brother, my little sister, my little brother or my grandma
I’m locked up so I can’t play my favorite video game
I hope I’m out for my next birthday, but I’m locked up.
Entry # 1789
On the Verge of Change
I am locked up so I let everybody down.
I am locked up so I left my Ma in tears.
I am locked up for letting my anger get in control of me.
I am locked up for turning myself in.
I am locked up for doing the right thing.
But I will be locked up for a short amount of time.
I am locked up so I don't know if I have a kid on the way but when this is all over with I will be there for my girl and our child.
Entry #1790
Freedom
I failed to comply with my probation officer before I was locked up the first time. I had no choice but to get sober. So, when I got out I had the choice to stay sober or start using again. I chose to start using again and out of the blue my P.O. started drug testing me after about five months. Because I wasn’t being tested at all I started using every day. It never occurred to me that I was failing at my opportunity for freedom.
Entry #1791
Dedication
"Your lack of dedication is an insult to those who believe in you."
This quote means a lot to me because in my life there have been many people that saw potential and believed in me. However, I blew it all off; I did what I wanted and did not care. I never realized how bad I hurt people and made them feel because I was selfish. Now that I have matured and understand things in a different way, I know that these people have, from the very beginning, only wanted what was best for me and for me to be successful. The only way this could happen was if I began to change and wanted help. I needed to be dedicated, which is what I have become. This was not easy for me because of the situations that I have been in and because of the way I was thinking and behaving. I now want to graduate and be certified in welding. I want to be a role model for my siblings and those who share my experiences. I want to be a leader and show people there are improved things for everyone. I just have to be dedicated and want it bad enough.
Entry #1792
I’ve Got Plans
It is 2019. I'm leaving this chapter of my life in the past, and moving onto the next. I'm going to graduate high school, get my certificate in welding, complete the 8-14 month program I'm in, and then start going to the junior college to get certified in being a heavy equipment operator. After that I’m going to find a good job and start saving money to eventually move down south and go to school to learn how to underwater weld. Once I start doing that I want to take the money I earn from welding and start investing into properties and flipping houses. By the time I'm 25 I'm going to be making 100,000+ a year, as long as I stick to my plan. Goodbye old me, I'm ready for what lies ahead.
Entry #1793
Before I Die
My goals I would like to accomplish for the coming year are to be totally dedicated to my sobriety and get out of juvenile hall. My mother and I are in the same boat because we both have used the same drugs; therefore, we are both getting help to recover the physical and mental damage that was done to our bodies. I am currently in the juvenile hall's substance abuse unit and on the other hand, my mother is in a drug rehabilitation program to recover and get her kids back. I would love to graduate from high school and get a job to support my family right now and any future family I may have. To accomplish this goal, I would not only have to quit the drugs I used to do, I would also have to leave my past behind me and start fresh to find success. Before I die, I want to prove to myself and others that believed in me growing up that I would make something out of myself.
Entry #1794
Resolutions
My goals for this upcoming 2019 year…are that I want to touchdown from the cell… basically, get out of confinement. When I get home, it leads me to another one of my goals, keeping to myself and staying out of the way. Also, do something productive, participating in extracurricular activities.
For the whole year, I just want to get off probation and keep the heat off me; I also want my relationship with my mom to be better. I want to volunteer at a work place, and then actually work there. Saving my money is another goal for me. I am growing up fast and I am going to be seventeen this year and I need to start doing things differently, changing thoughts and becoming more mature. I realize that I have to do this because no one is going to tell me what to do. In other words, I have to do this on my own.
This is a very happy new year and it is starting very well. I will try to be a brand, new person. I hope this resolution works out for me.
Entry # 1795
So
I'm locked up so no cigarettes
I'm locked up so no girlfriend
I'm locked up so no family
I'm locked up so no friends
I'm locked up so no fun
I'm locked up so no phone
I'm locked up so no good food
I'm locked up so no long showers
I'm locked up so no sleeping in
I'm locked up so no getting up without permission
Entry #1796
Transition
Goodbye 2018. A lot of things I’m going to miss from 2018, such as certain friends, family, and pets. But also I’m glad to leave certain things in the past, such as the doubters, the people who tried to hurt me, anything that I learned a lesson from in 2018. 2018 was an awkward year, but I learned from it from now on – it’s goodbye 2018 and hello 2019!
Entry #1797
Furloughs
My goals for the coming year are simple: get a job, be a good dad, and graduate from high school. My long term goal is a big house in the forest in North Dakota or Canada. The reason I want to live in a big open forest is that it is so peaceful and quiet. You can hear, smell, and see nature all around you.
My one-year goal is to get out and try to find a job and get money to take care of my daughter. My short-term three-month goal is to graduate and get furloughs. The reason I need a job and to get out is because I have a little girl, five months old. She does not know who I am but I know who she is and what she can become. I have never seen her but I do have pictures. They are not the same, but until I get furloughs they’re all I have.
Entry #1798
Lesson Learned
I am locked up so they can supposedly make me successful in the future. But how can I be successful if I'm locked up? I don't understand their way of doing things just like they don't understand my life. I wish to do my best in the outside world, but they're not giving me the chance I asked for. They will realize I could have done it once I show them, after my time is up, by not seeing them in here again. The result would have been the same as if they gave me the chance, the result is not coming back. I have learned my lesson, but I am locked up.
Entry #1799
My Plan
I believe my biggest failure is being in juvenile hall. I'm missing out on so much on the outside and I'm not with my siblings being their big sister. What I can do different is not use drugs when I get out. While I am here, I can complete the program doing what I need to do in the hall in order to stay out of trouble on the outside. I am going to need my drug program staff to help me work on my problems. The program can help me with my addictions and my anger issues.
Something I can also work on is my stealing issues when I was on the outside. I can also stop hanging out with the wrong people, so I won't think about doing the wrong things. I also have another big failure; it is not giving my mom a second chance. My mom was in prison for five years. She got out and I didn't want to talk to her or see her. Now I have thought hard about it and she is doing much better now, I need to give her one more chance so she can try to have her kids back and be a mom for us. Something I can do is not follow in her footsteps and help her do good, which means I need to do good for us all to be a family again.
Entry # 1800
Waiting to Thrive
I am locked up so, I can't follow my dream of BMX. I can't spend time with my sister or with my family. I am locked up so, I can't eat the food I want but the food here is pretty good. I am locked up so, I'm sober and in the best shape I have ever been in. I'm locked up so, I can't hang out with my friends but the people in here are pretty cool to hang with. I am locked up so, I can't use my phone or listen to music when I want and I thrive when I listen to music. I am locked up so, I can't be with women or go on the fun adventures I do with my friends. I am locked up so, I can't sleep until 12 o'clock on the weekends like usual. I can't just hop on my bike and ride somewhere and explore. I wish I could be out following my dreams, but I am locked up.
Entry #1801
Goals
My goals for the coming year start by finishing my time here in juvenile hall. Once I get out, I want to go back to school and graduate. In addition, I want to finish probation and get a job. Then once I get money, I would like to buy a car. Then, I would like to spend all the time I missed being locked up with my family. Another goal is to not be locked up anymore and be a good person. In addition, I would like to accomplish all these things and make my mom happy, showing her that I am going to change for the better.
Entry #1802
Learning
Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve seen a lot of things. I’ve done grown up even at the age of 15. I’ve been locked up in my soul and in the hall. I’ve let my family down, not knowing what I was doing. My mind is not secure where it’s at. It’s not what I should be pursuing. I want to change, but the enemy is pursuing me – my mind, my heart, and my physical feelings. I’ve been through a lot, but it seems I can’t let it go, Lord, I’ve been branded. Everyone says I need to let it go, step in my shoes and you won’t be able to go how far I go. They say the Lord has forgiven me, but he’s not even feeling me. They say he’s within me, but when I take a look inside I feel so empty. I try to hang on to my family because when they’re gone, I’ll feel nothing. I know that money ain’t a thing. I try to live a life that I haven’t, not being static, learning from mistakes. They aren’t my definement.
Entry # 1803
Dad’s Tattoos
When I was younger, I was always around my dad. My dad and I were two crazy people. So was my older brother. I used to always look at my dad’s cool tattoos he had on him. There was this one on his arm: it was a female and another one about our neighborhood. The female actually looked cute and bad, but I think it was because she was naked. My dad told me he got it in prison, but it sure didn’t look like a prison tattoo. It actually looked professional. As I got older, I didn’t really see my dad and one day he was gone. Not gone like dead but gone like away. I would talk to him on the phone but nothing more or nothing less. So I always thought about him and his tattoos. It made me want to get the same tattoos because that was my dad and we was hella cool. One day I ended up thinking about it and hit up one of my boys and told him I was ready. So that was the day I started getting inked up and got some things just like my dad.
Entry #1804
Music, Clothes, and Home
I’m locked up so I can’t go home
I can’t go home
I wanna go home
But I’m locked up
I’m locked up so
I can’t buy Bape
I want to buy new clothes
But I’m locked up
I’m locked up so
I can’t listen to music
I want my music
But I’m locked up.
Entry #1805
The Plan
I am locked up, so I am going to behave in here and go to school every day. I am going to do my time here in juvie and try to catch up on school. In addition, I am going to try to graduate in here so when I get out, I can get a job and be on my toes. Since I am locked up, I can learn my lesson so I will not mess up when I am out of here. However, I am locked up and I am going to try to go on furloughs and see my family and eat some good food. Another thing is I am going to try to get early release so I can get out of here faster. This is my plan.
