Entry #2248
Everything
the first time I stole
my first fight
I remember the worst parts of my nights all alone, stuck in my thoughts
the voices in my head I would try to silence by drowning them in alcohol
I remember sitting alone and wondering, why did my mom leave me?
the story of how she left
her trying to visit me for the first time in 15 years, while I was in the system
I remember waiting to know who my dad was
I remember my mom selling drugs right in front of me after not being in my life
I remember the first time it hit me I was going down a really bad path
my best friend since middle school telling me I need to change my ways
I remember the first hit of weed
losing a lot of close friends because of my alcohol problem
the cry from my grandma when I first got locked up
I remember getting locked up
I remember when I held my first gun
hiding from the cops
I remember the betrayal
being lied to for the first time
hearing “I promise” and it getting broke
I remember the first “I love you” and being deceived
I remember hurting somebody I loved
the first time I decided to drink
the first time I got mad and things were broken
I remember my grandma telling me to avoid the path of drug use, knowing it runs in my genes
I remember the first time I felt hate
getting left out
getting embarrassed at school when kids would talk about their moms coming to pick them up
I remember when I changed
I remember Father’s Day hitting me the hardest
I remember when my grandma gave me my first sip of lemonade
breaking her heart because of how I was living
I remember skipping school
seeing my mom in those apartments that day
feeling guilty
I remember the first time I saw my grandma in visiting at the hall
I remember when I gave up on life
I remember when I used to be happy
the first time depression hit
wanting to fall asleep and never wake up
I remember feeling worthless
how I used to never admit I needed to change when I knew I did
I remember getting suspended from middle school
I remember getting expelled
I remember how I felt being in juvie over the holidays
the Thanksgiving family dinner in visiting
how my grandma said, “This is the worst Christmas ever.”
I remember how it felt to be in here when my grandma needed help
I remember her letter that read, “My sweet boy, what happened?”
I remember when my people stopped answering the collect calls
I remember how excited my grandma was when I had my first TR
I remember everything.
Entry #2249
A Day In The Life
As I wake up to the smell of stale air, I stretch my arms and think of the hours ahead. I don't know a lot of what happens behind the scenes here, but what I do know is that today will almost certainly be the same as yesterday. For another thirty minutes, I stare at the clock through my cell window until my door gets popped open for breakfast. I sit at a small table, swirling around my watery eggs with others who are stuck in the same loop as me—people who should have gotten a full 10 hours of sleep, but are still tired from a restless night, just like me. As we eat, the staff remind us that we are not to talk unless we absolutely need something; they call it "silent cafe."
After chow is over, the staff call us to our rooms one by one "for our own safety." As I sit in my room in complete silence, I hear the sound of the shower water slam against the floor as they get turned on across the pod. Once again, we get popped out one by one for showers. By now, I am far too used to the smell of the cheap shampoo, conditioner, and body wash that doesn't really work, but all the same, I wash as normal. After showers, I am in my room yet again for about 30 to 45 minutes until I get popped out for workouts.
The workouts are my favorite time of the day; I get to truly let my anger out without a punishment. Workouts last an hour until I am walked back to the pod. I am exhausted as sweat drips down my forehead and my feet slap against the floor, knowing that the shower I just had was for nothing because it will be my only one for the day. As I am sent back to my cell, I birdbath in the sink that is connected to my toilet.
After being down for a little while, I get popped back out. Around this time, I am usually doing college work on a dingy computer that is as old as me. This is how I fuel my time for a lot of the hours throughout the day—typing away on a keyboard until I can't anymore. "Educating my time away," I call it.
A little bit before noon, I am sent down again to get ready for lunch. The staff tell us we are in our rooms so often so we can meditate before we transition into a different activity. Around noon, the trays come back. Lunch is also my favorite part of the day because it's not as bad as breakfast and dinner. Today we had roast beef and potatoes with steamed broccoli; it could have used some seasoning, though I'm not complaining.
After lunch, we go through the same one-by-one process back to our cells. This is usually one of the longer times we are in our cells because our chow time is only 20 minutes for each meal. So, if we start lunch at 12:00 and go back down at 12:20, we are in our cells until 1:15. As we are down, I ponder seeing my family again, hoping that they are all well and happy as I am wasting away.
After a while, I hear my door get popped open and I come out for group after group until 5:00. 5:00 is dinner, which is one corn dog and French fries—the usual. Then, it's back to my room until 6:15.
This is our recreational time. You can write letters to your family or use the wall phone to call family or whoever. A lot of youth have an 8PM bedtime, but if you act right, you get a later bedtime. I spend my rec time on the phone or playing cards with the other youth. Then, I get called to bed at 9:00.
Throughout the night, I spend my time reading, writing, and just trying to distract myself from the thought that I am quite literally trapped in a small cell for the next 10 hours. This is a day in the life where I am from, and I could not wish this upon anyone.
Entry #2250
Perfectly Broken Dream
I remember seeing my first star that lays ahead of me.
I remember seeing light again after being incarcerated.
I remember looking out on my front porch and thinking about my life’s choices.
I remember the decisions I’ve made over the years that brought me here.
I remember picking up the Bible for the first time.
I remember seeing my family pass away.
I remember the perfect dream I had, the one my dad and I were in.
I remember thanking the Lord for forgiveness after committing my first crime.
I remember that deep inside I am both good and capable.
I remember the memories my dad and I shared together before I was taken from his care many, many years ago.
I remember the glory of opening my eyes for the first time. It felt like heaven.
I remember having peace and freedom and it being taken away from me instantly.
I remember that everyone is good, that we just make bad decisions in life.
I remember seeing my dad in jail, and the thought that I was in juvey scared me.
I remember my dad breaking into his car violently and his girl calling the police because he was so drunk. The storm was really bad but we eventually got through it.
I remember my mom’s name but she disappeared before I was even 2 years old.
I remember my dad having my back no matter what I did or didn’t do. He is my purpose for continuing to try to do good and to avoid further time locked up.
I remember the glory days, sitting on my knees, and begging for forgiveness with prayer.
I remember everything in life is not fair, and the perfect broken dream is not always clear.
Entry #2251
Remembrance
I remember. I remember a time in my life when things were easy. A peaceful, ignorant child, not a care in the world. Too bad I didn't know at the time, didn't know how much hardship and the unmistakable feeling of fear that would burden me as I grew older. I remember a lot of things, some good, some bad.
Though I don't hear a lot of stuff these days, just the faded echoes on the walls, that time heals all wounds. But does it?
I remember the day I got sentenced with all this time. I turned around to see my family that wasn't there. Alone. A burden to the world. A non-fiction to my life that demands who I should be. Who to be then, but the person that I was taught to be.
I remember all who were kind to me, and I can never forget who wasn't. I remember everything. I remember.
Entry #2252
A Girl I Once Knew
I remember the darkness in the eyes, flames masking the emptiness in their blue skies.
I remember the twist of the knife, itching for it to go deeper.
I remember the click of cuffs on my swollen wrists.
I remember the screams and cries of a girl I once knew as myself.
I remember my thoughts and my life.
While I write this, every memory floods out of my brain.
An unfinished piece
Entry #2253
No More Demons
It’s clearly time for another ride
This time I just might
Kick a bottle and shoot for the stars
But the wicked asked me to bow
I want a glory hit but look at me now
Got a J.O.B. and a reason to live
Bye-bye to old habits
And hello to new kicks
I got bullied, yeah, it wasn’t fair
So I sit in my lawn chair
Stop right there, the demons have woken
And yet the angels have not spoken
Got told to go hit a trail
I’m special, can't you tell?
No more demons
Just trying to get by
I’ve got nothing left to hide
I’m sorry for the wicked, it’s too soon
I glorify with God under the moon
He has risen me higher than I can count
And I will no longer go hell-bound
The spigot in my yard has broken
But not me, I’m not golden
I am the picture no one wanted
So, I’m making the world better again
I clean up trash and rest my head
Now it’s dark outside but light in my room
I got 39 credits left of school
Entry #2254
Wake Up
The moment I wake up in the hall, I hear the guard waking me up to shower. The first thing I see are my four walls and my tagged-up door. I have a lot of thoughts racing through my mind about the day. I remain normal and patient.
I work out and read in my cell to take up time. I hang out with my close friends when outside. It’s not that bad here, but damn, I hate being away from certain people and not knowing what’s going to happen.
I feel like I let people I love down, but I’m gonna find out when I get out. Hopefully my girlfriend and brothers hold it down for me.
Entry #2255
“Yay. It’s Biscuits and Gravy—Oh Wait, I’m Dreaming Again.”
Dreams, oh, the dreams—the best thing in here. Then you wake up to the cold reality. Looking around in your four-corner box, with all the names and sets of everyone who has been in your box before you. Then you hear the familiar sound of the cold water from the showers and the staff yelling at you to wake up, like the loud click of your door didn’t already wake you up. After fighting for the best shower, the cold water hits you like bullets. Once it finally warms up, you hear the same old staff: “Wrap it up or you’ll lose points.” The crappy soap doesn’t even have a nice smell to it, and the shampoo gives you dandruff.
After you’re done, you look at the same bummy yellow shirt, brown drawers, and blue pants. The only exciting thing you have to look forward to is the meals. Checking every day for that one meal that’s always good: biscuits and gravy. But you realize it’s only Monday, and that unhappy tray of eggs makes that excitement go away. But yet, you still eat it just to fill your stomach. You only have 20 minutes to eat. Once your time is up, it’s time to go down to your cell.
“Thank God, I get to go to sleep again.” You’re eager to get to see a different reality until you get flash-banged by the lights. “CLICK.” But, of course, your door pops. If you’re enrolled, you go to the small classroom. First period, ELA—8:30–9:15. Once you’re done with class, you go to your room. What’s supposed to be only 15 minutes in your room seems much longer because the staff seem to slow-play the hell out of it. Before you know it, it’s 9:45.
Finally, the only fun part of the day is PE. They either do volleyball or basketball. Most of the time it’s volleyball. You line up and get patted down. Then you go into the hall and to the gym. You play for 45 minutes-ish, then line up again, get patted down, and go to the pod. Once you get your hygiene, you go down to your room. Now you’re in your box again, thinking, “Well, it’s too late in the day to go to sleep,” and now I’m sweaty and stinky, so you pretty much took a shower just to get dirty. Wonderful.
You’re down for another 20 minutes, and then it’s time to go to class again: Math. Math is from 10:30 to 11:15. Then you get a break. You get a piece of fruit and do whatever for ten minutes. Then it’s science time, which is 11:25–12:00. After that, you go down for lunch. If you have a job, you’ll pop out when it’s your time to do your job. If you have meal cleanup, you’ll pop out when the café is over. If you have a meal setup, you’ll pop out before the café and set up trays. You’ll do those jobs for each meal.
The other jobs are showers, where you do them after breakfast, and late night. With late night, you just clean up after everyone is down and then sleep. These jobs give you points for commissary. Depending on what level you are, the better snacks you get. There are five levels. How to level up is pretty simple: you just do the program without getting into trouble. Level one is five days with no zeros or ones. Level two is a week without zeros or ones. Level three is two weeks without ones and zeros. If you get a one, you go back down to level three. Then, to go to level five, you have to be good for another two weeks, and then you start the days to go to level five. It is a month from level four to level five. The good thing about leveling up is you get a later bedtime and more privileges. You get better food items from the commissary cart from B and G. Every Friday, you get to choose a snack.
After lunch, you go down for at least 35 minutes, and then it’s history last, from 1:00 to 1:15. Then you go down for another ten minutes, and then it’s homework/advisory hour, which lasts from 2:00 to 2:50. Then, after school, there are programs. On Monday through Wednesday, B and G comes. Mondays and Tuesdays are large muscle, and Wednesday is Money Matters. That lasts from 3:00 to 3:50. After that, you have anger management class, which lasts all the way to dinner at 5:00. You eat for 20 minutes and go down until 6:15. Then it’s free rec until your bedtime. Thursdays and Fridays, you do your own groups.
On the weekend, it’s pretty chill. It kinda feels like you’re back at home until you go back to your room. On Saturdays, you clean your room and the pod you’re in. That’s the only day you pretty much get to sleep in. On Sundays, you do nothing but free rec all day. There are visitations on Thursdays and Sundays. On Thursdays, it’s 6:30 to 7:30. On Sunday, it’s 1:00 to 2:30.
There is some good about being in here, though. You can graduate early, and you can do a lot that you may not have had the time for, because you sure do have a lot of time here. It may feel like the world has stopped because you’re here, but it doesn’t. It’s on in the outside world. Time doesn’t stop for us here. We stop ourselves from being great by being here.
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Entry #2256
The Devil
The devil yells from orange prescription bottles and empty liters of clear fire. He speaks to young, innocent minds and takes the form of anything one uses for pleasure. He is in the drugs you take. He helps pull the trigger or swing the knife. He encourages flying fists and kicks. He eases every urge into your body.
He spins you in circles until you’re dizzy and sick with his desire. He will not end. He doesn’t end when you die or I die. He is forever.
Don’t let him manipulate your mind. He will latch onto what you leave behind, and I hope you understand this to be true because he is forever, and this piece of writing is too.
Entry #2257
POP
6:00 AM. I'm wide awake, getting up, brushing my teeth, and getting ready for workouts. Next is the noise of a steel door. POP. “Are you going to workouts?” Same old question I hear every morning.
After workouts, we come back for showers and get ready for setup down at the kitchen. We share days with the other pod. On Sundays, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, we are down at the kitchen. During my stay in this program, I'm trying to stay to myself and focus on what's going to help me succeed as a young man.
I go to school every day, and even when I don't want to, I try not to miss a day of workouts because all these changes are a start to a new me.
Next, we have programming throughout the day, like B&G and A.R.T., and I should be starting M.R.T. soon. Until then, I will just keep focusing on my program and what's best for me.
After programming, I deal with the same old peers I can't wait to get away from. There are a few I can deal with, but with some of them, it's like a repeating topic of the old behaviors that led me to be sitting here.
Even explaining what a day in juvenile hall is like—I shouldn't even be able to know what an average day is here. I should know what an average day is at a job I'd like to work.
Then it's 8:00, my bedtime. Getting ready for bed, I have a routine of brushing my teeth, making my bed, and lying down.
Then I wake up.
POP.
“Are you going to workouts?”
Entry #2258
Surviving Richmond
Growing up in North Richmond was never dull. At times it was fun. At times it was scary.
I grew up unfazed by the gangs in my city, numbed to the death, the poverty, the violence, not even realizing it wasn't a normal thing.
Growing up in North Richmond meant doing bad things. It meant being in a gang and watching loved ones die a little too early. It meant dealin’ drugs and gettin’ locked up. Growing up in North Richmond meant loyalty is most important, even more so than your blood family.
Growing up in North Richmond meant hating everything. It meant no ma, no dad, and definitely no hiding. You always had to be strong, even on your deathbed. Growing up in North Richmond, there was always a new lesson to be learned. There was always going to be someone out to get you, and there was never a “safe place” to hide.
Growing up in North Richmond for sure had its ups and downs. So many good times, but the bad ones shadow behind. The community was always there for me like family should’ve been, but you always had to watch your back, never knowing who to trust or distrust.
I wanted out, but I also hated the idea of leaving my people behind. My community was the only thing I knew. It was my home and my family.
The 510 will always be a part of me no matter what. But now, after being locked up so many times, I think I might work towards a better place for me, my two daughters, and my bm.
I survived Richmond, Oakland, Antioch, and Stockton, and I don’t plan on leavin’ this world any time soon. So watch out, world. I’m on my way to greatness.
Entry #2259
Up All Night
and riding my first bike.
I remember my first day of kindergarten
getting picked on
throwing sticks, fighting, spitting
bullying others.
I remember getting suspended from school
getting my recess taken away
my teacher having me sit away from everyone.
I remember my teacher had cancer.
I remember going to Boys & Girls Club after school.
I remember 5th grade.
I remember the fire.
Riding my bike to school on November 8th, 2018
and after being there for an hour
the principal told me to ride my bike back home.
I remember all the chaos going on
hopping from hotel to hotel
having nothing
the miserable two years it took
until we could go back home.
I remember coronavirus
having Zoom calls for school.
I remember going back to school
shy and quiet
practicing my social skills.
Riding my scooter to school.
I remember going fishing every day
meeting new people
opening up and being myself.
Not giving a fuck.
Breaking things.
I remember my first hit.
My first drink.
I remember that summer I fell off
stopped going home
smoked every day.
I remember becoming a drunk
racking from Grocery Outlet
doing stupid things
ruining my life.
I remember couch hopping
staying up all night
going to parties.
Entry #2260
I Have My Life Back
I remember the first time I came to the hall. I was just here for the day, until 9:00 at night. This is my second time here, and I’ve changed since being here.
I quit taking drugs and drinking. Now I go to NA and AA. I think about my little sisters and how I can be a big sister to them again. I don't recommend starting drugs or drinking because it can mess up your life. You can lose everything like I did, but now I've got everything back. I have my life back.
I remember my mom crying on my first court date. This will be my last time in the hall. I hate not seeing my little sisters. I need to be there for them because I don't want them to make the same choices that I made.
I’d avoid coming to the hall. It's boring.
