Entry #1970

Quality Time

The moment I’ll never forget in my life is moving back in with my mom and dad after 7 ½- 8 years of being in CPS and without them. I’ll never forget it because my mom and dad lost custody when we were pretty young. Well not really, we left. My mom got back on dope and then started to beat us again. Then my dad got back on dope.

My mom would take me to rob houses. I’ll never forget the houses we hit or what I found, only because those times were like the only times me and my mom wouldn’t fight and argue. We were happy during those times. I’ll never forget my dad always choosing my mom over his kids. I’ll never forget those times, because those times were the worst times of my life.

Another moment I will never forget is before my mom and dad got back on dope. They took my little brother and I to an AA and NA meeting in Redding. It was amazing. We had so much fun. When we got their we saw a bunch of people there that we knew. After the meeting there was this badass concert. It was a recovering drug addict who was the rapper. I’ll never forget it because it was one of the most beautiful moments I’ve ever spent with both my parents.

 

Entry #1971

Glass Walls

The moment I won’t forget is the day the cops knocked on the door while my mom was playing with me and my sister. My mom told me she would be right back. I remember being upset that she had to step out while we were visiting: we only got twice a month. I went to the door cause my mom was taking a long time.

As I made it to the door they were putting her in cuffs. I started to cry. My heart sank. She kept saying, “It’s OK, I will be back.” That day my grandma came to pick me up. I was still crying, wondering why those men took my mom and all my grandma would say was that my mom made bad choices.

Two weeks later my grandma said, “We are going to see your mom.” I thought I was going to get a hug, but when I got there it was glass between us. This was tough to understand.

 

Entry #1972

Trying to Deal

I’ve lost so many family members I loved. But then I lost my best friend, and that really broke my heart even more than losing some of my family members. I didn’t get a chance to mourn over her death. I guess I just had to deal with it and keep it pushing, even though it broke my heart worse than any guy/boy/man ever could. I never went through a healing process. I just sat with it, and still do, to this day.

 

I would’ve loved to see better days for her. Even when you think someone is happy and doing well, they could still be hurting. Just not showing it. That’s how I deal with it, too.

 

What I miss about her the most is her personality. She was always so bubbly and had a smile on her face even when I knew for a fact she was hurting. She always made sure her little sister was happy, and had everything she needed. I loved how she didn’t care what people thought. She was a blessing to have as a best friend/sister to me.

 

Entry #1973

Gramps

About one and a half years ago I lost my grandpa and it was devastating. I didn’t know what to do because, at first, I didn’t even believe it was true until my auntie confirmed it. I didn’t have to go to school and my gramps told me to never cry when he dies, and I told myself I wouldn’t. In my culture we light fires when somebody passes and cook and stuff. When everybody stepped away from the fire to go get food I shed a couple of tears. I was thinking back on all the stuff he used to do with us, just the little things like chasing me down the main road with a pellet gun while I was in my boxers. Or the time when we were in Yosemite and we broke into a tractor at nighttime and had to ditch security. Honestly, I would say that I had a healing process, but I’m still hurt and always will be until the day I die.

 

Entry #1974

Leaving the House

If you really knew me you would know I only really care about my girl and my sister

You’d know I’ve slowly been falling apart for years now and use alcohol and weed to cope with my emotions     

You’d know it breaks my heart seeing and knowing my mom is a drug user

You’d know she lost custody of my sisters because of her addiction

You’d know my dad was never there

You’d know all the terrible things he did to me and my mom when he was around

If you really knew me you’d know I raised my sisters and even my mom at times

You’d know me and my sisters were in and out of foster care a lot of our life

You’d know I have really bad trust issues

If you knew me you’d know I like making the ones I care about happy and if they aren’t I feel like I’m doing something wrong

If you knew me you’d know I always worried what was going to happen to me when I left the house

If you knew me you’d know all the wrong things I did

You’d know I messed up

You’d know I did something horrible

You’d know I regret what I did

You’d know I say I don’t care about a lot of things but I really care too much

If you knew me you’d know I’m over protective over my sister and my girl

You’d know I’m scared when people come into my life because I know eventually they’ll leave, just like everyone else

You’d know my mom is suicidal and would blame me and my sister for it

You’d know she blames me for my dad being locked up

You’d know I’ve always had people around me, but would still feel like I was alone

You’d know I disappointed a lot of people, especially family

You’d know I was raised around gang members and violence

You’d know I tend to leave when I don’t like a situation

You’d know I’d help everyone in the world before I help myself

You’d know I’m a bad influence

You’d know I change people

You’d know I want to marry my girl and want to start a family with her

You’d know I’m locked up right now

You’d know this isn’t the first time

 

Entry #1975

Long Love

If you knew me you would know I lost a lot of people most recently. I lost my uncle. If you knew me you would know I got too drunk to go to his memorial. I still regret it to this day. It was just so sad. If you knew me you would know I found out from my aunt. If you knew me you would know that I miss his presence; I miss joking with him and having nice talks. If you knew me you would know we lived in the same apartments. Every morning on my way to school he would say “Have a good day, serial killer.” If you knew me you would know that he and I were super close, also that we would go do fun things together. Before he passed we were supposed to go shooting and disc golfing, but I didn’t wake up early enough to go with him and my family that day.

 

Entry #1976

Family is my Freedom

If you knew me you’d know I wanna get out

You’d know I wanna change, but it’s hard

You’d know I wanna fight

You’d know I wanna steal

You’d know I wanna smoke

You’d know I wanna drive

You’d know I wanna do bad things, but because I love my family, I haven’t

Changed my mind. I don’t wanna be a bad kid, but I do it

To fit in sometimes or to just be myself.

If you knew me you’d know I trust one person.

You’d know I would kill for my family

If you knew me, you’d know I am close to falling off the deep end

You’d know I don’t wanna be here. This place is hell.

I have no freedom and I can’t take sitting in my cell everyday not doing ****

If you knew me, you’d know I wanna hang with my sister

You’d know I lost everything.

 

Entry #1977

Grandma

She was my great grandma.

She was everything to me. 

She used to rock to bed every night.

She used to pick me up and take me shopping.

When I was going through rough times, she would take me to her house.

All I can remember now is she cared so much and she wanted to see me in a healthy environment.

She got dementia a couple of years back and I was the only one she remembered.

I could only go visit her one time in the old folks’ home in the mountains.

I remember she grabbed my hand and said “I love you with all my heart”.

Then I had to go. 

 

Entry #1978

The Death of my Brother

            I have multiple people I love who I have lost, mainly due to guns and drug overdose. The one that affected me the most is someone I thought of as my little brother.

            I never really had a chance to process this death because I got locked up a little after he passed. His death had happened in my arms. I tried keeping him alive but it did not work. This situation kills my heart. Why did it have to be him? Why was the trigger pulled? Those are questions I will probably never get the answer too.

            I’m trying to heal from this situation. It’s hard though, even if I don’t show it, it hurts. I try my best to hide my feelings. I’m now just trying to get out and do good to honor my brother’s name.

            I miss all the memories I had with him. I miss smoking at my house. I miss my mom walking in and yelling at us for drinking. I miss him and I being lectured by his mom about our actions. I miss walking to his house, knocking on his door, and just walking in.

 

 

Entry #1979

Of Course

I was raised in the hood, where nobody shows you love, nobody really teaches you right from wrong! I lived with my homies and my homies parents. They didn’t give a **** what we did so at a young age we started playing with guns, selling drugs and on top of that we started doing drugs too. Life just went on and on from there: joining a gang, breaking into houses, robbing people, robbing stores. I think people just look at it like we are bad kids but there’s another side of the story. I never had a dad my whole life. I barley lived with my mom a little over a year, so I had to get everything I had by my lonely. It was hard living like this sometimes, but that’s how I was raised, so I’m used to life being like this. I lost many homies to gang violence and every day I sit back and think like, someday that’s going to be me on a white T. I got my mom over here asking me why I do the things I do but she doesn’t understand what happened to me being raised with no parents in a hood full of gangs, guns and drugs. Of course I’m going to hop in the street, but that doesn’t stop me from giving my mom respect. I love my mom and I’d do anything for her. But at the end of the day I’m still who I am and I’m fine with that.

 

Entry #1980

Rest of my Teenage Years

Right now, I have so much going on in my life. I don’t know when I’m getting out or what’s going to happen when I get out. I wish I could just restart. I know I messed up. I should have never come back here. And now I’m stuck with no way to communicate with any of my friends or my boyfriend. They’re probably all wondering what happen to me. And I wish I could just pick up my phone and tell them what went down. I know I did this to myself and my actions have consequences. But I just wish I could explain it to the people who have no idea what happen. For all they know I could have died. I really hope I’m not in here for much longer, because that’s that much longer my friends and some family are going to be worried about me.  When I do get out I’m going to change and I’m never going to step foot back in this place. This is not where I want to spend the rest of my teenage years. This is no one’s fault but my own.  My stupid mistakes landed me a spot in Juvie and if I could re-do it I would have just went to school and stayed out of trouble. Now I’m isolated from the outside world and I’m going completely insane. I miss my old life and how everything used to be.  I hate not being able to talk to anyone from the outside world. 

 

Entry #1981

To See Them Again

I’ve lost loved ones before. I never got the chance to mourn.

I want to mourn, but I just can’t.

I miss their smiles and everything about them.

Just knowing that they’re gone and never coming back feels unreal.

I miss laughing with them and enjoying life. I miss them every day.

Every time they pop into my head there’s a feeling I just can’t explain. 

I just hope when I die I can see them again.

 

Entry #1982

Killing the Boredom

Well it’s mostly very boring in here, but the good thing about it is they feed you three times a day so I’m gaining some weight that I wouldn’t have on the outs. I’m really getting into reading too. Probably going start reading when I’m out too. I’m really getting into books.

You know I miss everything: my bed, my mom, my video game, being able to stay up late and man do I miss girls. I’m dreaming about them every night, it’s crazy. I never use to dream outside of here, but now I almost dream every night.

I actually got a great plan for when I leave. I’m going to go live with my Aunty in Ridgecrest for a while and just get away from here. I’m going to get a dirt bike so I have something to do on the outs. The only reason I’m in here is because I get bored every day, so I go out and do dumb ****. I’ll try to get active in sports again too. That’s my plan, to stay out of trouble and get a dirt bike and start riding.

 

Entry #1983 

Hide the Issue

Locked up this way, I’m sleeping in this cell. The system tryin’ to hold me down, but I’m gonna prevail. 

 

In my own lane, I don’t got a girl sending me mail. An all that pain I go through? I keep that to myself. Thug it out alone. I ain’t askin’ for no help.

 

Brotha goin’ through it, deep down that’s something I felt. Tryin’ to stuff my pockets with blues. I need a bigger belt.

 

The bigger bank I got, the less problems I have to feel. The day I tell my momma we made it is when I make a million. We past those times livin’ off the food we was stealin’.

 

Can’t bring that cash to your grave, you might as well blow it. Never thought bein’ locked up would turn me into a poet.

 

I stress on my emotions but it’s something I’m never showin’. I’ve experienced a lot of pain an struggle but I keep on goin’. They see me smilin’ everyday. They always see me steady, jokin’. Little do they know, deep down my heart’s been broken.

 

Entry #1984

A Day In The Life

I guess in a way you’re going to get a view of “my mind” and what goes on “24-7”. For starters, I got music playing. The song playing is “XO Tour Life” by Lil Uzi. The way it starts is, “Are you alright? I’m alright…” And then it has that beat drop/change. It’s my favorite part.

 

While music is playing, I’m thinking of my partner, my brothers and our memories. I started journaling, but it just seemed like I couldn’t get it all out on paper at once. My “brothers” are made up of my blood brother, my partner’s brother and my partner’s best friend. Now you can probably get a clear understanding of why I say “my brothers”, even if it’s generalized, you know?

 

In honesty, those memories always remind me of my mother. She’s not someone I talk about much, but I think of her always in different stories. I try to eject those thoughts into the “abyss” compartment of my mind.

 

Funny how the mind works. Cause even though I’m thinking of all those things, I can’t help but also wonder what’s for lunch. And dinner, and snack. And what my next art piece is gonna be. It’s whatever, though, man. I may be hungry, but I know I got priorities. My classworks always on my mind. For me to catch up. Letters I need to write and send out. Meetings I have today, this week, or ones that need to be made.

 

I am working hard to do what I have to do to see my brother and partner again on “The Outs” and just do me. It’s a lot on my mind, I know, but all for good reason. And though it’s chaotically organized, I know what stands out most.

 

Though some may not relate or understand, that’s alright. I work towards realistic things not fantasies. Weird ending, to be honest. Oh well, that’s me. :)

 

Entry #1985

Seven Hour Drive

When I was 15 I went on a Road Trip to Santa Cruz. We went on an old Roller Coaster, bought an Airbnb, and we stayed for a couple nights. We headed over to San Jose and went on a hike down to the water. I was starting to slip and fall because the dirt was super loose. I kept on walking and got ahead of everyone and it was a bad idea. I didn’t know until I slipped and fell; I was tumbling down this hill for like 5 seconds. I blacked out when I hit my back on the ground. I came to and was holding onto a branch that was in the ground. I heard it slowly cracking. I started yelling for my brother to come save me because half my body was hanging off the hill. There was nothing but rocks down there and it was about 20 ft or more, further down. If the branch broke there was nothing else for me to grab on to. I thought I was dead. My brother ended up saving me. We kept hiking down the hill to go swimming. Afterwards, we returned to Santa Cruz, the Airbnb and then we went to Denny’s to eat. I don’t know if that was all worth it for a seven hour drive.

 

Entry #1986

Brakes Are Out

The moment I will never forget is when my aunt passed away. My cousin came walking up to my homeboy’s house. I had just woken up. He was coming around the corner of the road and I saw him crying. I had never seen him crying like that before.

 

He told me that she passed, and when he left I told my mom to either get out, or hold on. In the truck I went about 30 or 40 miles per hour straight up this hill. On a dirt road that, at the top, turns into cement. Then it goes downhill, and when I got to the bottom of the hill I almost hit a school bus, because my truck didn’t have good brakes. I couldn’t slow down to hit a right turn and almost went off the road.

 

I got to my aunt’s house and saw her on the ground. I said my goodbyes before the cops showed up. I went to tell my dad. I think she passed away because of drugs. That is why I am getting off of meth and heroin. 

RIP Aunty

 

Entry #1987

Stuck In The Truck

      A moment I’ll never forget is when me, my dad, and my little cousin got stuck in my dad’s truck. It all started when my mom picked up my dad earlier in the day. We were all going out to eat for the night downtown at this pizza place. It had a clubhouse. We all ordered pizza and were playing games, all having a good time. We got back and wanted to go off road, so we did. We all got in the truck and headed to the field. It was a rainy night so I knew it would be muddy. We started mud bogging and got stuck. We were sitting there forever. Time went by and I saw some light’s behind us: cops. They asked what we were doing. My dad talked to them and they let my dad call one of his friends up. My dad told his friend what happened and he came to help us out.

 

Entry #1988

Loyal Love

I lost someone I loved to suicide. Her last words were, “I love you.” I sat on the floor covered in her blood. I loved her and I will always have her in my heart. I’m still trying to heal and get close to other people. I walked into my house and saw her take her own life. She was told to kill herself by a group of popular kids who thought they were better than everyone else.

 

I love her and she’ll remain in my heart forever. I have a photo of our first date at a park staring at the stars. My words for her are, “You're in a better place now and I’ll be up there in a while to see you.” I will follow the dreams we had in remembrance of her. I’ll show the world my talents and prove that she didn’t die alone. R.I.P.

 

Entry #1989

Simpler Times

I have lost a friend. The thing I miss most of my friend is that we used to go to eat out every Friday. Another memory I have of him is when we went to the park to play. Simpler times back then.