12/12/2012

Entry #128
Promises
If you really knew me you would know I don't have a real Father. You would know he promises me the world, then crushes my dreams. You would know he smokes the white devil. You would know when he's falling he drags me to the depths with him. You would know he lies, steals, and cheats from family to get what he wants. You would know he stole my car and other possessions to buy meth and smokes. You would know I've had guns in my face because he stole from the wrong person. You would know I've watched him smash people’s heads in with jack handles. You would know I've had to fight my dad so he wouldn't hit his girlfriend. You would know I've had to fight for my life because of my Dad's stupidity. You would just know. But you don't and no one does.

Entry #129
FREEDOM
Throw it all away for just one month of freedom. I dream that I'm at home with you every night. When I wake to find you not here, I lay in my cold lonely cell full of rage. I cry because I'm caged in and I can't do anything about it. Now I have no rights, no freedom. I'm treated like a child when I've had to be an adult for the past five years. Forced to grow up and fend for my own. Grew up on the streets. I try to leave and it beckons me. I try to change but I can't. The poison that I've consumed just keeps finding its way back to me, destroying me. I want to live free and be me but the poison takes over, makes me change in ways I can't explain. Without it I'm in pain, with it I feel ashamed. I see the pain in your eyes, so I just run and hide. Never facing my problems, always running. When will I learn to live for me?

Entry #130
Why I Wake Up
If you really knew me you would know that my daughter is the most important thing in my life. She's the reason why I wake up every day and do what I got to do. She made a big change in my life. Each time I see her every week she looks more and more like me. It’s like I’m holding a baby me again. Her eyes, her big smile, they make my day no matter the situation I’m in. She's growing up so fast it’s unbelievable. She means the world and more to me. I'd kill and die for her. She's daddy’s little girl. When I hold her I don’t want to let her go. I wish I could take her back to my cell to show her off to my celly. If you really knew me you would know.

Entry #131
Who Knows?
If you really knew me, you would know that I've been through a lot. I'm sort of a mess up if that’s what you want to call it. I've been to the hall about 8-9 times. And yet I still haven't learned my lesson. I continued to take everything and everyone for granted. I continued to break my parents' hearts, while at the same time breaking my own because of it. I haven’t had a first pay check, haven’t had my first car, I haven't even gotten my high school diploma, and I’m already on the edge of heading to prison. I pray to the Man up top each and every night to forgive me for my sins and it seems to help me sleep. Who knows? At this point only God can judge me. I may not show it very much, but deep down inside I'm both scared and stressed. That doesn’t help any. I mean not knowing what’s going to happen, and having these people playing with my life is a messed up situation, but I try not to dwell on it. I live day by day hoping that all of this will result in my favor.

Entry #132
Who I am
If you really knew me you would know I have been through a lot of events that would destroy the hearts of most people. I have been in foster care. I’ve watched my mom destroy her life with drugs and I have been in situations where I have had no one there for me in my life. If you really knew me you would know I am not a bad person but I will defend my family from drug abusing people. If you really knew me you would know that I do not start fights. If you really knew me you could see through me when I tell you that I am fine and you would see the thousands of scars and wounds that have been inflicted on me throughout my life. If you really knew me you would know when I am threatened I will defend myself and that is the only time I will fight. If you really knew me you would know I am not a violent person although, like a rat, I am trapped in a cage. Lastly if you really knew me you would know my dark, sad past, filled with rage, anger, sadness and fear defines who I am.

Entry #133
Trust and Regret
If you really knew me you would know that I use to be a really nice person. You would know when and why that all changed. If you really knew me you would know why I turned to the drug life. You would know why I can't trust you. If you really knew me you would know all the pain I feel and all the horrible things I've seen and done. If you really knew me you would know why I cry myself to sleep at night, that I'm ashamed of myself and that there are regrets I have to live with day in and day out. If you really knew me you would know that I'm truly sorry for everything wrong that I've ever done. If you really knew me you would know why I am the way I am. I'm glad you don’t really know me.

Entry #134
Nobody Knows
If you really knew me you would know how badly I don't want to be here. You would know how much I want to be there for my little brother. If you really knew me you would know how hard I try to keep myself together and not completely break down. You would understand the pain and the years of regret I feel inside me and that I must now live with my whole life. If you really knew me you would understand why I'm always so quiet. If you really knew me you would know how hard I try in school to make my mom proud. If you really knew me you would know how badly I want my dad to tell me he loves me, just once. If you really knew me you would know the never-ending shame and guilt I feel for being the reason my mom and grandmother don't speak anymore. If you really knew me you would know I don't trust anyone. If you really knew me you would know how much I've changed the past 2 years. You would know this lifestyle isn't me. If you really knew me you would know the reason I got put onto probation and became a ward of the state is false. You would know how hard my parents and I tried to fight it. If you really knew me you would know how much weight is put onto my shoulders. You would understand why I keep repeating old habits. If you really knew me you would know that if I could do it all over again I would, and I'd make it all right. If you really knew me you would know how much I've been hurt and beaten down. You would know how hard I try not to let anything get to me. If you really knew me you would know how bad I am with alcohol. You would know that I can't stop once I start. If you really knew me you would know what’s in my heart. Nobody really knows me.

Entry #135
Searching for Family
If you really knew me you would know that I came from a parenthood of drugs. Both my mom and my dad used while me and my relatives were young. I think that it affected my brothers and sister more because they were older and they actually knew what was going on. But then as I got older I started noticing my mom wasn't going to sleep till around 4 AM and sometimes not at all. Or she’d be up a couple nights until she came down and she would sleep for almost the amount of days that she was up. There were times when I didn’t think she was going to wake up. My dad used to get high and think that there was someone talking to him from the ceiling… probably not the best thing to see your dad talking to the roof. So I started not coming back to the house more and more. I used to just spend the night at my friends’ house, bring some clothes over for school in the morning and then just go straight to school with my friends. I started smoking weed and drinking, trying to escape the fact that my parents were getting high. All my other siblings were older and living somewhere else. My brother was kind of staying there but not really. He used to just come home and get fresh clothes then leave again. That’s where I got the idea from. So when this was happening I felt alone, left out, and abandoned. I ended up making the gang my family.

Entry #136
Ground Zero
My life feels like it's sinking fast in a vast ocean
I'm slipping from the mountain that took so many years to climb… back to ground zero where I belong
Playing again in my head like an annoying song.
Now I wake up to the sound of a pop, first thing I do is look at the clock.
It’s way too early to be up right now, but I don't have a choice because I'm in the hall. Nothing to do but to throw my stress ball.

Entry #137
Cool AirIf you really knew me you would know that I'm a good person.
         that I made a mistake.
         that I love my family and spending time with them.
         that I like to watch movies and stare at nice cars.
         that I like to go on long bike rides.
         that I love books and swimming.
If you really knew me you would know that I like to get up really early in the morning and go outside to get that cool air into my lungs.
If you really knew me you would know that I hate being in juvenile hall.

Entry #138
Escape
If you really knew me you would know that I run away a lot. You would know that I have it really good. You would know that I do drugs to get out of the thought that I am going to get in trouble for running away. If you really knew me you would find out that I am a very nice person when I want to be. You would know that I am the girl that gets bullied a lot and will bully back. You would know that I never had a child’s life so I act like an adult. You would know that I have a mother that did drugs and is now clean and sober. You would know that I didn’t want to turn out like this way, with a drug problem, but did anyway. You would that I don’t get along with people my age. You would know that if I keep doing this stuff I will end up in prison where my dad has been my whole life.

Entry #139
Lies
Nothing but lies came from your beautiful lips...“I love you.”All the time I spent with you, wasted. So far away I can’t even ask you if what we had was real...six months later I still see your face in my dreams. You left me with, “I’ll be back,” and I never saw you again. I loved you before and after you cheated on me, hoping one day I’d have you for myself. I was so oblivious. How stupid did I look to you and to everyone else? I love you. I loved you. I don’t love you anymore.

Entry #140
Home
If you really knew me, you would know I'm really not a tool. If you really knew me, you would know I'm afraid of love. If you really knew me, you'd know I try my hardest to impress my mom but it always fails. You'd know that my cousin was shot before my eyes and died in my arms. If you really knew me, you'd know I hate myself dearly. You'd know my father hates me too. You'd know I hate fighting because of my mom. If you really knew me, you'd know I like Juvi better than my own mother's house. You'd know I'm afraid of my thoughts. If you really knew me, you'd know I'm afraid of the future and what it holds for me. You'd know I want a place to call home. I only know me...

Entry #141
One More Chance
I have been in foster care and group homes since I was 2. I was removed from the home due to being abused by my dad and my foster mom. I had been chained to a bed so tight my wrists opened up. There was really no way I could stay in the home.
I have anger issues that continue to get me locked up and when in the hall, room arrest. I am tired of fighting, but it is almost a habit. When someone talks badly about my family or to me, I feel like the incredible hulk. I can't control what happens. Now that I am almost 18, I have one more chance at making my life better. I will need to avoid using drugs and alcohol to take care of my problems.
I hope someday I can go to college and become a fire fighter. The odds are stacked against me, but I can make it in life if I just put my heart into it.

Entry #142
Photograph
All I have left is this photo of you. I sit alone in my cell, the only company I have is you smiling up at me. It makes me remember all the good times we had and makes me think of all the good times that we will soon have. It's crazy all the memories and emotions you can feel all at once, just my looking at one photo. At first I smile but then I cry. I smile because of your smile. I smile because I know you’re out there waiting for me and I know one day we will be together again. I cry because I love you so much it hurts. I cry because of the months we have in between us before I get to hold you again. One day I'll have you again and I promise we'll never be apart.

Entry #143
Conflicted

I sit in Juvenile Hall thinking about where my life has gone. So much time I have spent in here, so much time I have wasted. I'm only 15 years young, and I've already spent more then 2 years in Juvenile Hall. I’m sick of being in here. I feel conflicted and condemned to myself, the thoughts that fly threw my mind. I sit in here wondering if I'll see my girl soon, if ill get to hold her. The more time I spend in here, the more time I think to myself that my life is going nowhere. I need to get my life straightened out. I need to make right choices so I can be with my girl. There’s so many things I wish I could take back but I can’t, I’ve got to live with my mistakes and learn from them. I have made mistakes like everybody else. I can own up to the mistakes. I made them. I am who I am.