Entry #2122 Try and Not Feel If you really knew me you would know I cry when I get mad If you really knew me you would know I never had my dad in my life you would know I was in and out of cps you would know I used to hurt myself  If you really knew me you would know I don’t like hurting other people  you would know I saw my sister get shot  you would know I used to use drugs to try and not feel anything anymore If you really knew me you would know I stay up all night thinking how my mom told me how she never wanted me  you would know I am a loving person, I just have some problems If you really knew me you would know I have been in and out of juvie  you would know all I wanted was to be loved by my mom you would know I have trouble expressing my feelings  If you really knew me you would know when I was a baby, cps found me laying in my mom’s room with her passed out  If you really knew me you would know my mom kicked me and my sisters and brothers out on the side of the road because my mom’s boyfriend said to  you would know my sister took care of me when my mom was out doing whatever  you would know I would pick her over anyone  If you really knew me you would know I never wanted to end up like this  If you really knew me you would know I never thought I would be locked up for such a long time    Entry #2123 Dear Momma, I’ve never really done this before, so first, I want to say I love you, and I’m sorry for all the times I let you down. I was selfish and self-centered. I’ve done a lot of dumb things that fell back on you. I knew it made you look bad, and I didn’t care. I’m sorry, Mom. But that doesn’t cut it. All those times you asked me to hang out with you or come home for a little while, and I just told you no. I’m sorry. I should have come home. I should have helped you more. I should have. I know what they say about not loving the closest people until it’s too late, and I feel that now. That night you passed away, Momma, I did a bad thing. I put my anger and hurt onto someone else because I was too scared to live without you. I felt like I was better off in a cage. And I’m still scared. When you passed, it took something from me that I can never get back: the love of a mother. I’m not going to lie, it made me cold. I still can’t think straight. Sharing my emotions isn’t an option. I’ve been in and out of the hall since you passed, Momma. Some little stuff like drinking and others more serious. For the past couple of years, I’ve been using alcohol. Well besides that, when I was out, I did something real bad, Momma. I don’t think I’m coming back from this one, but I’m not going to talk too much about that. You know the details.  I can’t even begin to explain how I felt when I got that phone call. I was defeated and heartbroken. No matter what I do, it won’t go away. It still hurts so much that I can’t stand it. You texted me the night you passed, asking me to come home for a little and hang out with you. I hate myself for not replying. I told myself I was busy, but God knows I was just drunk. I miss you Momma, every day, every birthday, every Mother’s Day. I look around, and you’re not here, and it makes me sick. Your babies are all grown now, Momma. ***** had two more kids, and ******* had two kids too. You would be so proud of them. ******** has grown up a lot as well. She’s still a little sassy, but grown. I know you’re disappointed in me. I was the golden child, but I fell off. I never really got to say goodbye to you, Momma. And it still ***** me up. It’s been a long five years without you, Mom. My heart is broken. I could never tell you goodbye, but I can say “See you later,” so I’ll just leave it at that. Sincerely, Your Son Entry #2124 Just Us I remember taking care of my siblings when it was just us.  I remember waiting hours with my sisters for my mom to come pick us up. I remember asking random people for money so me and my sisters could eat. I remember two of my siblings disappearing while me and my sister were moved to a different house. I remember doing everything for my mom when she could hardly stay awake.  Entry #2125 Warrior If you really knew me, you would know that I came from literally nothing. My bio mom left me for adoption at two days old. This and not knowing my bio dad, and having eleven other siblings which I don’t know, all speaks to coming from nothing. Coming onto 2 days old, I was adopted by this couple who seemed to have faith and hope in me. At the hospital, the nurse looked into my eyes and called me, “A man of peace.” A couple of years went by. All was good until I started having rage outbreaks. No one was sure why but it was probably because I felt abandoned by my bio parents. Still to this day, I have no clue who my bio parents are. Amazingly, I had two other adopted sisters who really seemed to care about me. I was taking medicine to calm myself, which somewhat worked to regulate my emotions.  My middle school days were the worst days of my life because I figured out my adopted dad had cancer. He had a brain tumor that doctors described as “unreachable.” This made me very confused and angry with everyone, even God. My adopted parents were very religious from the start. My dad didn’t want to take any treatment for it because he wanted to go. That decision killed all my belief in God and everything. I saw him slowly get worse. It led to him not being able to talk, to not being able to walk or do anything on his own.  My mental state got to its worst point, making me not want to go to school or do anything I used to love. One night I was playing my video game when moms walked in my room to tell me it’s time and to say my last goodbye to my dad in his hospice bed. I did just that, looking him in the eye, holding his hand, saying “I love you. Don’t worry, I’ll make it in life.” I knew he could understand what I was saying, but it killed me that he couldn’t say anything back. I listened to his last breaths as he passed away in front of me in my own house. That’s the night that changed my life forever. I will be successful in my life on my own path. If you really knew me, you would know that I am a warrior.  Entry #2126 Incarceration I hate being incarcerated. I hate showering when I can't control the temperature. I hate being told when to go to my cell. I hate being told when to eat. I hate those little 3 blankets and 2 bed sheets. I hate wearing those sandals on my feet. I hate the system. Entry #2127 Unlocked Thoughts I remember eating at restaurants I remember being starving I remember getting my first Xbox I remember kicking rocks I remember my first bedroom I remember my first homeless shelter I remember walking everywhere I remember driving everywhere I remember my first hundred I remember my first thousand I remember going to Mexico I remember being locked up I remember walking on the beach I remember being locked up I remember drinking with friends I remember being locked up I remember living with my family I remember being locked up I remember…  Entry #2128 The Same Path  I remember living in a small one bed apartment with my mom.  I remember wondering why she would be gone all the time, and let a 7 year old do whatever at 2:00 am.  I remember going to a different school every year. My living situation was never consistent.  I remember when I had met so many different guys that my mom was “friends” with. They would all say the strangest things.  I remember when I lost my mom. She wasn’t herself anymore.  I remember the random pills laid out on the tables in the house.  I remember my mom’s baby daddy not letting us talk to our family. She couldn’t have friends or a job.  I remember messing up, and my mom would get scared and depressed.  I remember being locked in my room, days on end, not being allowed to talk unless spoken to.  I remember crying because I wanted my mom back, wishing she could wake up and realize she is so much more than how she’s been treated.  I remember finally telling her something her baby daddy did and she stayed with him and made me leave.  I remember giving up and going down the same path she did.  Entry #2129 Blocked If you really knew me you would know... I put on a happy face, but really, I’m slowly dying. You would know, I don't want to show my face at all… I remember when I just wanted to be loved?  Remember when I showed my true self? You blocked me… I wish I could change myself: my body, my looks, my personality. I am happy when I’m all alone where nobody can hear me at all, like I disappear. I loved you. But did you love me? I hate when you gaslight me or manipulate me. I miss you, but at the same time I don’t.  You made me feel depressed.  You made me want to be all alone. Entry #2130 Dear *****, I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I’m always thinking about you when I see the number 57. It makes me smile, get happy, and encourages me to try harder at whatever I am trying to accomplish. I miss you, *****. You don’t know how hurt I am after you passed. I changed and went down the wrong path. I got involved in the gang politics, and it turned me into a cold-hearted person. I know you would be disappointed in me because you raised me to be a different person. I know you’re looking down on me and watching over me. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me and everything you’ve taught me, like how to be a better person than everybody else and not be a follower. Down here, I really honor your name. I don’t let anybody speak badly about you. I saved your life three times, and I wish I could’ve saved you the night you passed. I blame myself for not going with you that night, but know this: I still live by what you told me—it's an eye for an eye. I can never change what happened to you that night; it changed me forever. I know your spirit is here. I feel your spirit with me sometimes. People would ask, “How do you know it’s *****’s spirit?” I know it's you because I randomly feel like a kid again. Just know that I haven’t forgotten about you. I think of you every day, see your face every night, and hear your voice when I do something good, saying, "That’s my boy." Entry #2131 Help If you really knew me, you would know the pain You would know the past If you really knew me, you could see the hurt  You could love me completely But nobody knows me… not really. How do you love somebody you don’t truly know? People say they love you, but when you show your true colors nobody stays If you really knew me you would help me do better, instead of drag me down with the drugs and crimes You would help me change and also you would change, not just for you, but for me Entry #2132 Abandonment  When I was five my mom and dad had a big custody battle in which my dad wanted nothing to do with me and my little brother. My dad wanted my older brother instead. Because of that, our relationship started to sever in one of the worst ways possible for a son and father. Fast forward a couple of years and we are living together. We are living together but a chasm has formed between us. A lot has happened between then and now but we are slowly getting our relationship back. It’s been a slow, agonizing process and sometimes feels like my dad doesn’t want me. So, I escape and come to the hall for some time so I can collect my mind and sanity. Sometimes the hall feels like home.  Entry #2133 When Things Were Good I wish that I could repeat my action not leading me to the juvenile hall. I wish I could be at home. I remember certain parts of my childhood where I made different decision than I make today. I remember certain relationships I used to have with certain people like my mother or my grandma or cousins. I should change my ways I should spend more time with family. Sometimes I think about my actions in the juvenile hall. I will never forget my actions. I miss my old life when things were good. Entry #2134 The Faces If you really knew me, you would know, I fake a lot of my happiness. I try to hide my anger, and try to hide my problems in my head. I’m really a person who deals with a lot in my head. When I’m upset, I get really quiet and my face shows it all.  When I sleep I see a lot that the average person doesn’t. A lot of the things I see, people would say that I’m a psycho, but it’s all caused from the things that I have seen and done. I see the faces of every person that I have hurt and that I’ve witnessed being hurt or had their lives taken from them. Sometimes if I’m having a bad day, I’ll sleep, and in my dreams, I get attacked by them. I wake up in a deep breath, and freaked out. I deal with this stuff every time I’m in jail. For some reason when I’m on the outside this never seems to happen.  When I’m in jail I always seem to do really good. It’s like I try my hardest to run from coming back, but when I’m back… I love it. In reality I just love the structure, I love the daily routines, I love having good habits, I love working out and I love that being here gives me motivation to work out all the time.  This time around I will be here for a long time, for some years for sure, but I’ll make it home.  And to my mama, don’t worry, your baby will be back in no time! Entry #2135 Before I Do I am disappointed because I keep letting myself down and my family. All I needed was to get closer to the Lord and let him do the rest because he has a whole future for everyone. I also need to think about consequences before I act and think if the action will benefit me at all. I need to really understand myself and see why I do things that I do and whether those things are good choices or not. I get a gut feeling when something is not good. There is always a bad consequence and good consequence to our actions. For everything you do, you just have to take the time to make the right decision. I also need to put myself around the right people that will tell me when I am doing wrong. They need to not lie, saying I’m doing good when I’m really not. I also have been working on taking accountability for my actions and not pointing fingers at everyone else. That is why I say, I need to think before I do.  Entry #2136 Step Dad If you really knew me, you would know that I don’t have a relationship with my real dad. The reason I don’t like him is because he wasn’t there for most of my life. I ended up living with my mom and my stepdad. I’ve lived with them for most of my life, and my stepdad taught me how to fight, play football, and wrestle. So now, fighting is something I enjoy doing. When I went to live with my grandma, I started getting involved in gang activity and ended up being sent to juvenile hall. My grandma doesn’t want me out of the hall until I go through rehab, but I can’t get mad at her—she cares for me. Entry #2137 I Won’t Give Up If you knew me, you would know that I hate myself and my family hates me too. You would know, you don’t mess with me. You would know, I fight. I fight to lose every emotion I have.  You would know, this started when I was 12. My friends and I were playing. People came and bullied my friend. Then someone went to the hospital. You would know, I didn’t stand up for my friend. That’s when I learned I have to stick up for my friends and family even when they hate me. No matter what, they are still my family.  I don’t care if I do something good or bad because I know they will say “OMG, you’re a bad kid,” “Your mom doesn’t love you,” and “She gave you up.” If I’m in my room all day, they will say, “Why don’t you give up like your mom.” And if you really knew me, you would know I won’t give up.  Entry # 2138 The Good I remember some good times and some bad, but I always like to start with the good. I remember when my dad would take me and my brother on overnight fishing trips. Sometimes he’d take us early in the morning and we’d stay on the river all day. After fishing, we would go home, and I remember he would BBQ and play movies for me and my brother while we ran wild. I miss being young and doing all of that with my family. I feel like my actions have changed that. My grandma told me she is afraid of me, and I don’t want to make her feel that way. I want to spend time with the family, not be by myself. I feel like this family is broken—it used to feel different. I want my family to be proud of me again, but it's hard with everything I’ve put them through. I want to change for my family, not for myself, but it’s hard with how I’m placed in this world right now. I miss seeing my dad happy, but with me and my brother, he can’t be. I know I could try to change, but it will take time. I need to stop doing the bad and start doing the good. Entry #2139 Lies Lies - Every untrue thing you said that made me cry.  Cry - The tears falling from my face coming from my eyes.  Eyes - The one thing I thought was beautiful about you but why?  Why? - Why did you coat yourself with so many lies?  Lies - Everything you said to me was a lie.  Entry #2140 SOMETIMES sometimes I love sometimes I hate sometimes I hate that I love sometimes I miss my family sometimes I hope they miss me  sometimes I hate the decisions I’ve made  sometimes I think about them sometimes I dream of a person I want to be  sometimes I like those dreams  sometimes I think my thoughts betray me sometimes I let them sometimes I hate this place sometime I know I put myself here  sometimes these bars remind me of a place I want to go sometimes I go there   Entry #2141 Trust If you knew me you would know I’m quiet.  You would know I try to be kind.  You would know I'm always honest.  You would know I don't open up. I don't open up because people use it against me.  You would know I don't trust a lot of people.  You would know the only people I trust are my mom, sister, brother, close friends and my girlfriend.  You would know I don’t have a lot of friends. Some who I thought they were my friends did me dirty.  If you knew me you would know I just want to be cared for. Entry #2142 Broken In a world of no tomorrow they never know a kid's sorrow. I ran to the streets in which I dwelled. All I want is to be helped. Broken home, broken world. This broken kid … withered cold.  Stay gold. Entry #2143 Way of Love Sometimes I get this weird feeling. I really don’t know what it is. A feeling deeper than I’ve been able to dig. And, I’ve been digging a long time. I don’t want to keep digging for something I can’t see. I can only feel it. The streets are taking over. I’m fighting, but I’m weak.  The streets have broken me into small pieces that I’m struggling to pick up. I’ve found most of the pieces but one’s missing, the biggest piece, my heart. The only thing that I need to love life, even knowing that I can’t change who I am. I’m lost just trying to find myself. I’m blinded by the missing piece. I can’t fold. I can’t crumble. I have to move. I have to touch the moon.  The only thing that is truly stronger than the street is the power of love that my heart holds. I’ve made it. I found the missing piece. The perfect love stories. The perfect life. I am not perfect but my love is perfectly imperfect.  Entry #2144 Understanding Me If you knew me, you would know that I have been through a lot since I was born.  I remember when I was little I really didn’t have much food or clothing. My mom and dad split up after I was born. My mom asked my grandma if she could take care of me. It was hard for her to do that, but she did come see me as I grew up.  I wish I could go back in time and help my mom and dad so that I had a good childhood. I would help them stay together.  I love my family, but hate when they don’t understand me. I miss not being able to go outside when I want. I miss not talking to my friends.  Entry #2145 Some Day I wish I had my freedom.  I wish I was home.  I wish I was loved.  I remember when I could not leave the yard.  I remember when I wanted to grow up quickly.  I remember wanting to move out of my dad’s place.  I should be home.  I should be loved.  I should be wanted. I am cool.  I am kind.  I am funny.  I will be free.  I will be home soon. I will be loved someday.  Entry #2146 Misses and Wishes I miss going for drives. I miss being outside with my friends. I miss going to school on the outs. I miss my freedom. I miss being outside past 12. I miss my parents. I miss sneaking out. I miss doing anything I want, whenever I want. But my court is coming up this month. I'm hoping that I will get out on ankle monitor. If I do get out, I'm hoping that I won't come back because I'm trying to change and make my parents proud. *** isn't that bad for real. It's like a daycare except you don't go home until the judge says you can. For me personally, I don’t want to be here 24/7. One thing I like doing is making nicknames for kids. Their name is what they do in here. For example, if you stole candy and got caught your name would be candy man. Entry #2147 Chalk Nothing matters.  That’s how I feel.  I don’t know why nothing’s real. Hopeless for no reason.  The empire in my brain is treason.  My heart, light as chalk, bland and dull.  The devil came to my soul to cull.  Entry #2148 Spray Paint I remember growing up in the bay area and seeing graffiti when I would go on road-trips. I remember going into abandoned buildings or under bridges when I was a preteen and looking at the words on the walls.  I remember my parents calling it “vandalism.”  I remember thinking it was beautiful art and would wonder how the artist would get to the crazy locations on overpasses.  I remember the first time I saw someone spray painting. It was on the side of a train car. I was sitting in my dad’s truck and I saw a man quickly tagging one of the best pieces I’ve ever seen.  I remember sitting in my room when I got home and creating my first tag.  I remember practicing it over and over even though it wasn’t the best.  I remember the first time someone called my work art. It was a classmate and soon after I started doing graffs for all the kids in my class.  I remember practicing every day, trying out new styles and I remember that I am still getting better and practicing.  I remember my parents calling it vandalism.  I always knew it was art.  Entry #2149 Just Talking My biggest goal is to get out of juvenile hall. I just moved to California a few months ago. When I first came down here, I got in with the wrong group of kids. We started selling cars, going on high speed chases, and getting in trouble with the law. What I didn't think of was my family. It took me getting locked up this 4th time to realize that my grandma needs me at home. I help her with her dialysis treatment. What I did not realize is that my 9 year old nephew looks up to me. He does the things he sees me do. If he sees his uncle is sneaking out of the house late at night and getting locked up back to back, he might think it’s cool and that it’s not hard being locked up, so he might start doing the stuff I do. I don't want him to go down the same track as me. Before I came down here, I lived in Ohio. I'm not gonna lie - I got locked up one time down there, but I realized that I didn't want to go through that. When I moved, I just felt like I had too much stuff in my 14 year old life. I'm 15 now and things in my life are starting to change. I'm still helping my grandma, but I also have help now. I just want to focus on us and try to stop getting in trouble and start focusing on the people who are there for me. `