Entry #2150

Breakfast

Being locked up for the holidays doesn’t mean much to me because I’ve never had parents who cared enough to celebrate. They smoked and bought drugs instead. The only thing I miss is being with my friends, because they were the ones who gave me Christmas presents. If I were home for the holidays, I’d probably wake up to my mom, high on something, calling me and my sister names. Then, I’d likely go to a friend’s house to get drunk and try to forget about the day. What I really want is a Christmas with my sister and little brother. What I want is a present for me, and for my brother and sister too. I just want to spend time with my family and eat breakfast with them. I don’t need much, just a real Christmas.

Entry #2151

Wishing

I wish I didn’t get out of the car.

I wish I stayed to wait for them to come back.

I wish I didn’t let them drive the car,

especially after they were drinking.

I wish I went straight home.

I wish I left with them after we watched those people crash.

I wish I didn’t fall back asleep.

But I did. 

Entry #2152

Goodbye 2024

I am learning this new thing called loving myself. So I wanted to say: 

 

        Goodbye to the people who left me stranded and used me. 

Goodbye drugs. 

Goodbye self-harm 

Goodbye anger that got the best of me. 

Goodbye to fighting 

Goodbye to obsessing over boys. 

        Goodbye to being locked up. 

       ….Goodbye to never loving myself.

Entry #2153

Tasting Freedom

In nine days I’ll be free.  I’ve been in this place for a year and two days. Long slow days. Sometime I go back and look at all the time that I’ve spent behind these walls. The end is coming fast. The pain that I’ve felt every day for over a year is about to go away soon.  I hope I have what it takes to stay free. I never want to come back to this place. Being locked up has affected my family a lot. My mom will never be the same because the pain that I put her through. People sometimes ask me if I regret the things that I did, and I always tell them that I don’t regret anything, because regrets will hold me back from success. I have a good plan to stay on the road of success and I hope everything goes as planned. My mom has been happier than ever because of the fact that I’m getting out soon. And everyone will see the things that I do right.

Entry #2154

Incarceration for Christmas

I hate being taken away from my family. It takes something away from me not being with the people I love. I have never purposely been away from my family around this time. It’s something new, but new is not always good. If I was home I would be getting ready for Christmas with my little brothers, decorating the house and thinking about the gifts I would receive Christmas Day. Instead I’m locked up with people I barely know. This will be my family for Christmas this year.     

Entry #2155

Colder and Colder

As a kid I always wanted to be something great to the world and it sort of broke me when the judge said I’m a danger to the community for the first time. When I first got locked up I never wanted to come back, I was only an 11-year-old little boy, and, of course, I hated every second of it. Now as a 16-year-old young man I look back and look at the time incarcerated and I see no progress. I went from small crimes to violent and horrific crimes that made me do more & more time and spend many holidays, birthdays and Mother’s Days in these bathroom sized cages. It sucks that I spend time in jail, while members of my family pass away and I am left without the ability to say goodbye. It seems I don’t really care, but everything just makes me colder and colder as I get older. I don’t really regret anything I have done, but I think a lot about the things I have done to others.

Every Christmas spent in jail I miss my mama even more, she’s my everything and my backbone. I don’t know what I would do without her. I’ve been in and out of juvenile halls since I was 11, a total of two years and now I messed up big and will spend the rest of my juvenile time behind these bars. That’s the price you pay and I knew what I was getting myself into. Just like I said in one of my songs “Before you sign the contract to this life make sure you read it,” so I can never say I didn’t know what I stepped into and I know I chose this life. Sometimes I wonder how my life would have turned out if I would have taken a different path, but oh well. 

I’m getting to the point where I think I’m starting to think I’m falling in love with these four walls that surround me. I always find a way to be back with them and its crazy to me. Maybe I was just destined to be in these facilities, but I want to change that. Anyways, I hope everyone has a great Christmas in these beautiful facilities within these gorgeous brick walls. 

Entry #2156

Hey Mom

I want to tell you that I won’t be coming home for the holiday. I’m going to be locked up because of the bad stuff that I’ve done. I regret it. I just want to come home soon, but I can’t. I’m trying my hardest just to fight to come home to you, but I can’t. Every time I hear country music, I think of you. Every time I think of you, I miss you. Every time I go down to my cell, I cry for you because I miss you so much. Every time I dream about you, I miss you. 

If I could ever talk to you face to face, I want to let you know that I don’t want to argue. I know you don’t believe it when I say I’m sorry but I want to say sorry for the times we argued and I don’t want to leave you because I want you on my side. I don’t want to ever let you go. Every time we argue, it feels like I know I’m letting you go. Deep inside, I am really trying hard to hold on.  

Entry #2157

Hurt

If you knew me you would know that I come from a household of love, but I always made the wrong decision.

If you knew me you would know I would change something about myself just because someone didn’t like it.

If you knew me you would know I’m a lost child with anxiety who doesn’t know how to cope.

If you knew me you would know I have a hard time expressing myself.

If you knew me you would know I lost my pop the day after my birthday and I have been lost ever since.

If you knew me you would know I’m hurt on the inside.

If you knew me you would know I’m an innocent child stuck trying to find my way in life.

If you really knew me you would know I can’t live right without my mom or dad.

Entry #2158

So, Locked up for the Holidays

I will tell you what it feels like in the hall for the holidays. Its’ boring. You will miss your family and girls and all that good ass food. Now I can’t even get into fights without getting into trouble. But we get presents for Christmas, get to stay out later than usual, and watch movies; we’ll have a good day and just call family. I missed two other holidays, but I didn’t really dwell on it because they were not as big as Christmas. If I was home I would be smoking, probably trying to hang with some girls, chilling with family and probably getting in some trouble.  But I am just up in here getting fat, making stupid choices, and getting caught.

Entry #2159

Help?

I fall and trip

Coming Up

Pushing away the help

Saying, “You can’t help me.”

Then it changes

Watching my sisters falling

Trying to help them up

They pushed me away

Saying the same thing I did,

“You can’t help me.”

I hit my knees

I fell apart

No mommy

No daddy

No family

Slowly losing the ones I love

One by one

Mom? No answer. She’s gone…

Dad? No answer. Gone…

Then I tried to call on my sisters

But once again

Nothing…

Slowly I began to lose myself

Calling my name, but no answer

See myself lie there

No one to help

I was stuck in those four walls

And no one was there to help

Entry #2160

Locked Up for the Holidays 

       I’m locked up for the holidays again this year. It’s the second Christmas in here I gotta sit out. But you know how it goes down. It’s a shame, I would for sure like to spend it with my family and friends. I miss them all a lot. But I know this is not going to be my last time in here for the holidays. It’s all right though, because on the outs I’ve never really had a legit Christmas anyway. I had to go to school and tell everybody about the presents I didn’t get just, so I wouldn’t look lame. I had to fake a smile. I don’t even know why I cared about what anybody thought. 

       It’s cool in here though. We get some good food, I guess and some stuff that the staff buy us. But at the end of the day it’s just another day in the hall. Maybe I’ll get a letter or some pictures, something. Maybe I won’t though. It doesn’t really matter to me. As long as I’m living and well, that’s all that matters. 

       As I sit in my cell sometimes I think about how it would be, this time, if I was out for the holidays. Maybe it would be different. I would like to think so. Anyway, I’m happy with what I have and if this is where I’m gonna be for my favorite holiday, then I’m gonna make the best of it. 

Entry #2161

Crying Inside

I remember being a little girl happy as can be, growing up with my mom and dad strung out on meth.

I remember feeling alone, not loved, and the horrible things I would go through as a little girl.

I remember seeing my mom hitting herself, crying her eyes out.

I remember my dada coming home but going back to the cold cells within a month.

I remember my mom’s face and voices as she hit me repeatedly, blaming me for things I didn’t do.

I remember screaming and crying, not wanting to live anymore. 

I remember my sister holding me, telling me everything is going to be okay. 

I remember my mom locking me in her closet. 

I remember when I hit my first bowl.

I remember when I thought I could trust my dad’s best friend. 

I remember my dad’s best friend came over when I was sleeping and waking up to his touch.

I remember crying inside scared to tell anyone.

I remember feeling it was my fault. 

I remember drowning my feelings into a liquor bottle.

I remember taking my anger out on other people because how hurt I was. 

I remember my first time doing drugs.  

Entry #2162

Opening Up

I’ve let myself down countless times. I’ve gone through extreme depression, seeing things, hearing things. But I almost never opened up about it because I would feel pathetic. And if I did, I would just feel like I’m 100% at fault for everything, or just be called a druggie. I hardly ever used drugs in my entire life. I would feel stupid for opening up, even for asking for help. I don’t think I’ve ever truly gotten help. And if I say it doesn’t help me, they would just say something lame. I’ve had a ton of **** happen to me, even if I’m just a teenager. I don’t think I can ever be normal.

Entry #2163

New Year, New Me?

Wow. 2024 has been quite a year for me. It’s crazy to think that I’ve been locked up for the entire year. I remember getting locked up in December of 2023. I had to miss Christmas. Now 2025 is on its way and I’m probably being released. I'm scared of relapse, scared of the wrong people, and scared of all the temptation. I’m scared of coming back here. I've referred to this place as a “Chamber of Reflections”. Kind of ironic, yeah? It just means I’ve had so much time to think and reflect that I never want to return again, so let's do it. I need to turn my life back in the right direction. Because it’s going to be a “New Year, New Me.” 

Entry #2164

Here, I Miss

Being locked up makes me feel…depressed, lonely, and sad.

Depressed because I can’t see my family here. I don’t like my family, but I still miss them.

I miss my cousins because they make me laugh and are very creative. I miss my mom because

I miss how she cooks on the holidays, especially the homemade ice cream.

Lonely because being here is hard. Sometimes the people here are hard to live with because they think and act differently than I do. 

Sad because I miss my best friend. I miss the way we could talk about anything and go on adventures. I especially miss making TikToks, and I miss my man. 

Being locked up makes me feel……. depressed, lonely, and sad.

Entry #2165

Day One

       Hello, I'm an inmate of the Youth Detention Facility and this is my summary of the booking process. Day one. Day one sucks because you have to go through a five to six hours book-in process and this is how it goes. First you have to talk to a medical person about your allergies, mental state, and your health. Once you’re done, you have to take off your clothes and put on the prison clothes: a white t-shirt, navy blue pants, and a light gray sweater. And no, they don't have pockets. None of the clothes have pockets. Why? Because they don’t want you to hide stuff.     

       Once you put on the clothes, then you have to go to a scanner to make sure that you’re not hiding anything in your body. Then they will check your mouth, hair, ear holes, and your socks. Once done with that, you have to sign papers saying that all the stuff you took off is in the bags and is safe. Once done with that, you’ll have to take a shower and a cold one at that, which sucks! Next you have taken the shower, you will have to put on a new set of prison clothes after you just got a pair at the beginning of this process. 

       Once you have the newer prison clothes, you talk to a probation officer (P.O.). You will get one phone call to your family and then the P.O. will tell you your rights and charges. You will get your mugshot and wrist band on, your wrist with your mugshot (so basically, it’s your ID) and then your fingerprints will be taken. They do your fingerprints so if something happens in your unit, you have your fingerprints to prove that he or she did or did not do it. After that, you will be taken to a holding cell. A holding cell is a cell that they will hold you in until staff is ready to take you into your unit that is assigned to you which can take hours or even days. 

       Once it’s time for you to go, the staff will take you to your unit and from there, they will put you in a cell and you have to wait in your until 9:00 PM to watch a video on sexual abuse and how to prevent it. Then you will have to get medically cleared, which means they will check if you have diseases and to make sure that you are safe to be around the other inmates, which can take hours. Once done with that, you will have to wait until the next day and that’s where your journey begins. 

       

Entry #2166

What We’ve Seen

       Honestly, I’m not sure how to start something like this so, I’m going to start by apologizing to the people I hurt and/or let down. I know I messed up. I have a long history of mess ups that I can’t correct. That doesn’t mean I regret them though. I don’t plan on having a major mess up that could lead me to a locked down facility again, but at this point, who knows. Expectancy isn’t a thing when it comes to the streets. It’s all run off politics and chance. Yet, I’m still pushing for the best, to better myself, even though the odds aren’t in my favor. 

       I apologize to the people I let down because they saw so much potential in me and I threw it to **** when I was 13. That’s how it is when you’re raised where I was raised, kids have so much potential, but the streets just grabs ahold of them and doesn’t let go. Its’ kind of like quicksand, you get stuck and the more you struggle, the deeper **** you get into. 

       I started carrying. I wouldn’t walk out the house without a stick up on my hip. It was needed, or at least I thought it was. I hate how I have to live now. Anybody I’m around is in danger, even if they’re a stranger walking through Walmart, and it’s all because of some of the things I’ve done. I can’t even have a normal relationship, friendship, or family relationship without them being at risk and it scares me that I’m not home to protect my loved ones if its needed. 

       Sometimes I feel like I need to prepare my mom for my death. Do I expect myself to die anytime soon? No. But like I said, anything could happen, so I prepare her for the worst. I can’t let myself die. It would ruin my ma and brothers. I hate hearing my mom cry on the phone when we have those talks. People can say they understand, but do they? Come on thug, I don’t think you’ve ever tried preparing your own mom for your death. Some people have though, I’m one of those people. 

       I’ve always, throughout my whole life heard the saying “It’s an eye for an eye,” but I’d be damned if that’s how it went for me. I will not lose my life. My momma already lost me to the justice system, she can’t afford losing me to death. So, I won’t let it happen. I’ve emotionally hurt a lot of people with the things I have done, but I had to learn to come to terms with it. At this point its **** most the people I hurt because they just wanna see me gone. I hate having to watch over my shoulder, but when I was out I used to get a kick off of being stuck in sticky situations. If you asked me why I couldn’t give you an answer, but it could be the adrenaline. Yes, I’m an adrenaline junky. Or at least I was. I’m not sure how I am now. 

       When old habits die, you have to be careful because they can come back 10x quicker than how long it took for them to die out. I have faith that won’t happen to me. Faith, is not the word I should’ve used. I should’ve said hope. Faith is a religious word and I am not religious. God has never done anything for me. I had to watch people I loved die in front of me. Why would I believe in God? It might sound messed up, but I don’t think I’ll ever believe in God. The “Lord and Savior” wasn’t there to “save” my loved ones. It’s just my opinion though. 

       It’s crazy how quick the people I used to call my homies switched on me when I got locked up. Shows where their loyalty stands. I can’t lie, I’m janky too though. It’s how I was raised. When I write, I write from the heart, same with when I make songs. It’s a way that I let off emotion without getting into any trouble. 

       When I was out, I always knew I’d get locked up. I was sure of it. I just never thought it would be the crime I’m convicted of. When I first came in I was full of anger. Now I’ve calmed down. I’m genuinely doing better and I’m proud of myself. I don’t see myself falling down that path that leads you to either prison or the graveyard. I bet we’ve all heard that before. A lot of us didn’t listen though. I mean it was hard for me to listen when I was raised around people doing the things I was told not to do in places like school. It’s easy for people from the burbs to judge us because they’ve never been through what we have. They haven’t seen the **** we’ve seen. 

Entry #2167

Kickin’ it

Being locked up on the holidays for me doesn’t really make me feel sad because on the outs I really don’t ever do anything. I usually will just be kickin’ it with the homies instead of being with family. I’m not sure why though but that’s just what we do. So, holidays don’t really affect me being locked up.

Entry #2168

Dear Dad

First, I want to start by saying thank you to everyone who had faith and believed in me that I would be a better person; you, mom, my siblings, my uncles, aunties, and my cousins. Though I wasn't the greatest and best child, you all never lost faith in me. I started off on the wrong foot, following bad friends who just led me down the wrong path, taught me how to drink and do other negative things that just landed me in Juvie. 

Second, I want to say I'm sorry for not listening to anyone's advice doing just what I wanted and also trying to fight you, mom, and my siblings. You always told me to focus on my studies but I never listened. I went on fighting everyone in the house instead of being the person to protect them. 

Third, I never actually believed you when you said if I do very well in school and get good grades, you would get me anything I wanted, until the day you actually got me a Playstation. It was the best thing ever! I ended up breaking it, but after that, you went ahead and replaced it with a new one just so I could be happy. After everything you did for me, I still went ahead to become a criminal and also gave you a bad name in society. 

So, today I make this promise to you: “From the day I get released, I'm gonna be a good kid, being the boy you've always wanted me to become, being the best at school, stop associating with bad friends and also stop being the criminal people have always seen me to be.” I LOVE YOU DAD.

Entry #2169

PAIN

Paranoia makes it hard to sleep.

Adrenaline is the best drug. 

Intoxication makes the pain go away.

Narcotics will make you fall out.

Entry #2170

The Holidays 

Being locked up for the holidays is just like it is outside of here because we don’t celebrate them. It’s just a regular day for me. The only thing I'll miss is my family. I’ve been in juvenile hall for multiple holidays, but I don’t really care to be honest. If I was home it would just be a normal day of yelling and fighting either way; everyday is not a good day. Why would I care if it’s a good holiday?

Entry #2171

Reminiscing in the Cell

Sitting in my cell reminiscing about them days.

Sitting in my cell thinking how to make a change.

Sitting in my cell praying for them better days.

Sitting in my cell wondering if it’s gonna be alright.

Sitting in my cell still holding my head high.

Sitting in my cell trynna make this time fly.

Sitting in my cell wondering if pops still gettin’ high.

Sitting in my cell staring at uncle and my brother in the sky.

Entry #2173

Locked Up

Locked up for the holidays sucks. It is like the holidays are the same as any other day because you don’t see your family. The things that I miss are my family waking me up, handing me a present with an energy drink and seeing my dog happy because I gave my little puppy some turkey. The thing that will happen inside the hall is that we will have a holiday dinner and level 3’s and Honor’s might get a present. No, I have not missed a holiday. This is my first time being locked up. If I were home I would have family time, eat good food, and then call my friends to spend the holiday hanging out. 

Entry #2174

Sometimes 

Sometimes I do right

Sometimes I do wrong

Sometimes I love

Sometimes I hate

Sometimes I love hate

Sometimes I hate love

Sometimes I am a thug

Sometimes I do things just because

Sometimes I don’t listen

Sometimes I’m just reminiscing

Sometimes I miss the plug

Sometimes I don’t think

Sometimes I think too much, my brain starts to sink

Sometimes I talk too much cause everything just stops

Sometimes I think life’s a stopwatch

Sometimes I wish this could just stop

Sometimes I wish life was easy

Sometimes I wish people wouldn’t deceive me

Sometimes I wish this life was a dream

Sometimes I go to jail cause life wasn’t for me

Entry #2175

5 Day Stretch (Free)

Well, the parade has ended.

This is where love gets you. 

I'll be locked up 450 days, 

5, I will spend alone. 

Love is my sin now I must atone. 

My mind holding my body in a net by a string, 

my frayed pale white bones cut me free.

Only to yearn to be planted near a tree.

You held my chin and said you loved me.. 

And that, that set me free.

Entry #2176

My Wishes

I wish I was home when I want 

I wish I was spending Thanksgiving with my family when I want 

I wish I could shower when I want 

I wish I can see the outs when I want 

I wish I could look at the moon when I want 

I wish I could eat when I want 

I wish I could sleep when I want 

I wish I could see my family when I want 

I wish I could watch YouTube\Netflix when I want 

I wish I could eat hot chips when I want 

I wish I could play the ps-5 when I want 

I wish I could swim when I want

Entry #2177

Choose

So easily people will fall

To quit on dreams, they once had

You can be anything you want

Yet some choose to not try

Afraid of failure

You can’t be an angel wanting to be at the top

And be scared to fly.

Entry #2178

Christmas Day

I remember when I was locked up on Christmas day. When I woke up, I was mad as soon as I was up. In the morning I turned up the whole unit, feeling like I had nothing to lose. At the end of the day, I did have something to lose. Everybody got to go to the VC and see their parents while I had to stay back and do nothing. It sucked not being able to see my family on Christmas day. If I had a choice to do it all again, I probably would not do the same thing. But hopefully this time I'm not going to be here and if I am here I will try to be smarter and more mature.

 

Entry #2122 Try and Not Feel If you really knew me you would know I cry when I get mad If you really knew me you would know I never had my dad in my life you would know I was in and out of cps you would know I used to hurt myself  If you really knew me you would know I don’t like hurting other people  you would know I saw my sister get shot  you would know I used to use drugs to try and not feel anything anymore If you really knew me you would know I stay up all night thinking how my mom told me how she never wanted me  you would know I am a loving person, I just have some problems If you really knew me you would know I have been in and out of juvie  you would know all I wanted was to be loved by my mom you would know I have trouble expressing my feelings  If you really knew me you would know when I was a baby, cps found me laying in my mom’s room with her passed out  If you really knew me you would know my mom kicked me and my sisters and brothers out on the side of the road because my mom’s boyfriend said to  you would know my sister took care of me when my mom was out doing whatever  you would know I would pick her over anyone  If you really knew me you would know I never wanted to end up like this  If you really knew me you would know I never thought I would be locked up for such a long time    Entry #2123 Dear Momma, I’ve never really done this before, so first, I want to say I love you, and I’m sorry for all the times I let you down. I was selfish and self-centered. I’ve done a lot of dumb things that fell back on you. I knew it made you look bad, and I didn’t care. I’m sorry, Mom. But that doesn’t cut it. All those times you asked me to hang out with you or come home for a little while, and I just told you no. I’m sorry. I should have come home. I should have helped you more. I should have. I know what they say about not loving the closest people until it’s too late, and I feel that now. That night you passed away, Momma, I did a bad thing. I put my anger and hurt onto someone else because I was too scared to live without you. I felt like I was better off in a cage. And I’m still scared. When you passed, it took something from me that I can never get back: the love of a mother. I’m not going to lie, it made me cold. I still can’t think straight. Sharing my emotions isn’t an option. I’ve been in and out of the hall since you passed, Momma. Some little stuff like drinking and others more serious. For the past couple of years, I’ve been using alcohol. Well besides that, when I was out, I did something real bad, Momma. I don’t think I’m coming back from this one, but I’m not going to talk too much about that. You know the details.  I can’t even begin to explain how I felt when I got that phone call. I was defeated and heartbroken. No matter what I do, it won’t go away. It still hurts so much that I can’t stand it. You texted me the night you passed, asking me to come home for a little and hang out with you. I hate myself for not replying. I told myself I was busy, but God knows I was just drunk. I miss you Momma, every day, every birthday, every Mother’s Day. I look around, and you’re not here, and it makes me sick. Your babies are all grown now, Momma. ***** had two more kids, and ******* had two kids too. You would be so proud of them. ******** has grown up a lot as well. She’s still a little sassy, but grown. I know you’re disappointed in me. I was the golden child, but I fell off. I never really got to say goodbye to you, Momma. And it still ***** me up. It’s been a long five years without you, Mom. My heart is broken. I could never tell you goodbye, but I can say “See you later,” so I’ll just leave it at that. Sincerely, Your Son Entry #2124 Just Us I remember taking care of my siblings when it was just us.  I remember waiting hours with my sisters for my mom to come pick us up. I remember asking random people for money so me and my sisters could eat. I remember two of my siblings disappearing while me and my sister were moved to a different house. I remember doing everything for my mom when she could hardly stay awake.  Entry #2125 Warrior If you really knew me, you would know that I came from literally nothing. My bio mom left me for adoption at two days old. This and not knowing my bio dad, and having eleven other siblings which I don’t know, all speaks to coming from nothing. Coming onto 2 days old, I was adopted by this couple who seemed to have faith and hope in me. At the hospital, the nurse looked into my eyes and called me, “A man of peace.” A couple of years went by. All was good until I started having rage outbreaks. No one was sure why but it was probably because I felt abandoned by my bio parents. Still to this day, I have no clue who my bio parents are. Amazingly, I had two other adopted sisters who really seemed to care about me. I was taking medicine to calm myself, which somewhat worked to regulate my emotions.  My middle school days were the worst days of my life because I figured out my adopted dad had cancer. He had a brain tumor that doctors described as “unreachable.” This made me very confused and angry with everyone, even God. My adopted parents were very religious from the start. My dad didn’t want to take any treatment for it because he wanted to go. That decision killed all my belief in God and everything. I saw him slowly get worse. It led to him not being able to talk, to not being able to walk or do anything on his own.  My mental state got to its worst point, making me not want to go to school or do anything I used to love. One night I was playing my video game when moms walked in my room to tell me it’s time and to say my last goodbye to my dad in his hospice bed. I did just that, looking him in the eye, holding his hand, saying “I love you. Don’t worry, I’ll make it in life.” I knew he could understand what I was saying, but it killed me that he couldn’t say anything back. I listened to his last breaths as he passed away in front of me in my own house. That’s the night that changed my life forever. I will be successful in my life on my own path. If you really knew me, you would know that I am a warrior.  Entry #2126 Incarceration I hate being incarcerated. I hate showering when I can't control the temperature. I hate being told when to go to my cell. I hate being told when to eat. I hate those little 3 blankets and 2 bed sheets. I hate wearing those sandals on my feet. I hate the system. Entry #2127 Unlocked Thoughts I remember eating at restaurants I remember being starving I remember getting my first Xbox I remember kicking rocks I remember my first bedroom I remember my first homeless shelter I remember walking everywhere I remember driving everywhere I remember my first hundred I remember my first thousand I remember going to Mexico I remember being locked up I remember walking on the beach I remember being locked up I remember drinking with friends I remember being locked up I remember living with my family I remember being locked up I remember…  Entry #2128 The Same Path  I remember living in a small one bed apartment with my mom.  I remember wondering why she would be gone all the time, and let a 7 year old do whatever at 2:00 am.  I remember going to a different school every year. My living situation was never consistent.  I remember when I had met so many different guys that my mom was “friends” with. They would all say the strangest things.  I remember when I lost my mom. She wasn’t herself anymore.  I remember the random pills laid out on the tables in the house.  I remember my mom’s baby daddy not letting us talk to our family. She couldn’t have friends or a job.  I remember messing up, and my mom would get scared and depressed.  I remember being locked in my room, days on end, not being allowed to talk unless spoken to.  I remember crying because I wanted my mom back, wishing she could wake up and realize she is so much more than how she’s been treated.  I remember finally telling her something her baby daddy did and she stayed with him and made me leave.  I remember giving up and going down the same path she did.  Entry #2129 Blocked If you really knew me you would know... I put on a happy face, but really, I’m slowly dying. You would know, I don't want to show my face at all… I remember when I just wanted to be loved?  Remember when I showed my true self? You blocked me… I wish I could change myself: my body, my looks, my personality. I am happy when I’m all alone where nobody can hear me at all, like I disappear. I loved you. But did you love me? I hate when you gaslight me or manipulate me. I miss you, but at the same time I don’t.  You made me feel depressed.  You made me want to be all alone. Entry #2130 Dear *****, I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I’m always thinking about you when I see the number 57. It makes me smile, get happy, and encourages me to try harder at whatever I am trying to accomplish. I miss you, *****. You don’t know how hurt I am after you passed. I changed and went down the wrong path. I got involved in the gang politics, and it turned me into a cold-hearted person. I know you would be disappointed in me because you raised me to be a different person. I know you’re looking down on me and watching over me. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me and everything you’ve taught me, like how to be a better person than everybody else and not be a follower. Down here, I really honor your name. I don’t let anybody speak badly about you. I saved your life three times, and I wish I could’ve saved you the night you passed. I blame myself for not going with you that night, but know this: I still live by what you told me—it's an eye for an eye. I can never change what happened to you that night; it changed me forever. I know your spirit is here. I feel your spirit with me sometimes. People would ask, “How do you know it’s *****’s spirit?” I know it's you because I randomly feel like a kid again. Just know that I haven’t forgotten about you. I think of you every day, see your face every night, and hear your voice when I do something good, saying, "That’s my boy." Entry #2131 Help If you really knew me, you would know the pain You would know the past If you really knew me, you could see the hurt  You could love me completely But nobody knows me… not really. How do you love somebody you don’t truly know? People say they love you, but when you show your true colors nobody stays If you really knew me you would help me do better, instead of drag me down with the drugs and crimes You would help me change and also you would change, not just for you, but for me Entry #2132 Abandonment  When I was five my mom and dad had a big custody battle in which my dad wanted nothing to do with me and my little brother. My dad wanted my older brother instead. Because of that, our relationship started to sever in one of the worst ways possible for a son and father. Fast forward a couple of years and we are living together. We are living together but a chasm has formed between us. A lot has happened between then and now but we are slowly getting our relationship back. It’s been a slow, agonizing process and sometimes feels like my dad doesn’t want me. So, I escape and come to the hall for some time so I can collect my mind and sanity. Sometimes the hall feels like home.  Entry #2133 When Things Were Good I wish that I could repeat my action not leading me to the juvenile hall. I wish I could be at home. I remember certain parts of my childhood where I made different decision than I make today. I remember certain relationships I used to have with certain people like my mother or my grandma or cousins. I should change my ways I should spend more time with family. Sometimes I think about my actions in the juvenile hall. I will never forget my actions. I miss my old life when things were good. Entry #2134 The Faces If you really knew me, you would know, I fake a lot of my happiness. I try to hide my anger, and try to hide my problems in my head. I’m really a person who deals with a lot in my head. When I’m upset, I get really quiet and my face shows it all.  When I sleep I see a lot that the average person doesn’t. A lot of the things I see, people would say that I’m a psycho, but it’s all caused from the things that I have seen and done. I see the faces of every person that I have hurt and that I’ve witnessed being hurt or had their lives taken from them. Sometimes if I’m having a bad day, I’ll sleep, and in my dreams, I get attacked by them. I wake up in a deep breath, and freaked out. I deal with this stuff every time I’m in jail. For some reason when I’m on the outside this never seems to happen.  When I’m in jail I always seem to do really good. It’s like I try my hardest to run from coming back, but when I’m back… I love it. In reality I just love the structure, I love the daily routines, I love having good habits, I love working out and I love that being here gives me motivation to work out all the time.  This time around I will be here for a long time, for some years for sure, but I’ll make it home.  And to my mama, don’t worry, your baby will be back in no time! Entry #2135 Before I Do I am disappointed because I keep letting myself down and my family. All I needed was to get closer to the Lord and let him do the rest because he has a whole future for everyone. I also need to think about consequences before I act and think if the action will benefit me at all. I need to really understand myself and see why I do things that I do and whether those things are good choices or not. I get a gut feeling when something is not good. There is always a bad consequence and good consequence to our actions. For everything you do, you just have to take the time to make the right decision. I also need to put myself around the right people that will tell me when I am doing wrong. They need to not lie, saying I’m doing good when I’m really not. I also have been working on taking accountability for my actions and not pointing fingers at everyone else. That is why I say, I need to think before I do.  Entry #2136 Step Dad If you really knew me, you would know that I don’t have a relationship with my real dad. The reason I don’t like him is because he wasn’t there for most of my life. I ended up living with my mom and my stepdad. I’ve lived with them for most of my life, and my stepdad taught me how to fight, play football, and wrestle. So now, fighting is something I enjoy doing. When I went to live with my grandma, I started getting involved in gang activity and ended up being sent to juvenile hall. My grandma doesn’t want me out of the hall until I go through rehab, but I can’t get mad at her—she cares for me. Entry #2137 I Won’t Give Up If you knew me, you would know that I hate myself and my family hates me too. You would know, you don’t mess with me. You would know, I fight. I fight to lose every emotion I have.  You would know, this started when I was 12. My friends and I were playing. People came and bullied my friend. Then someone went to the hospital. You would know, I didn’t stand up for my friend. That’s when I learned I have to stick up for my friends and family even when they hate me. No matter what, they are still my family.  I don’t care if I do something good or bad because I know they will say “OMG, you’re a bad kid,” “Your mom doesn’t love you,” and “She gave you up.” If I’m in my room all day, they will say, “Why don’t you give up like your mom.” And if you really knew me, you would know I won’t give up.  Entry # 2138 The Good I remember some good times and some bad, but I always like to start with the good. I remember when my dad would take me and my brother on overnight fishing trips. Sometimes he’d take us early in the morning and we’d stay on the river all day. After fishing, we would go home, and I remember he would BBQ and play movies for me and my brother while we ran wild. I miss being young and doing all of that with my family. I feel like my actions have changed that. My grandma told me she is afraid of me, and I don’t want to make her feel that way. I want to spend time with the family, not be by myself. I feel like this family is broken—it used to feel different. I want my family to be proud of me again, but it's hard with everything I’ve put them through. I want to change for my family, not for myself, but it’s hard with how I’m placed in this world right now. I miss seeing my dad happy, but with me and my brother, he can’t be. I know I could try to change, but it will take time. I need to stop doing the bad and start doing the good. Entry #2139 Lies Lies - Every untrue thing you said that made me cry.  Cry - The tears falling from my face coming from my eyes.  Eyes - The one thing I thought was beautiful about you but why?  Why? - Why did you coat yourself with so many lies?  Lies - Everything you said to me was a lie.  Entry #2140 SOMETIMES sometimes I love sometimes I hate sometimes I hate that I love sometimes I miss my family sometimes I hope they miss me  sometimes I hate the decisions I’ve made  sometimes I think about them sometimes I dream of a person I want to be  sometimes I like those dreams  sometimes I think my thoughts betray me sometimes I let them sometimes I hate this place sometime I know I put myself here  sometimes these bars remind me of a place I want to go sometimes I go there   Entry #2141 Trust If you knew me you would know I’m quiet.  You would know I try to be kind.  You would know I'm always honest.  You would know I don't open up. I don't open up because people use it against me.  You would know I don't trust a lot of people.  You would know the only people I trust are my mom, sister, brother, close friends and my girlfriend.  You would know I don’t have a lot of friends. Some who I thought they were my friends did me dirty.  If you knew me you would know I just want to be cared for. Entry #2142 Broken In a world of no tomorrow they never know a kid's sorrow. I ran to the streets in which I dwelled. All I want is to be helped. Broken home, broken world. This broken kid … withered cold.  Stay gold. Entry #2143 Way of Love Sometimes I get this weird feeling. I really don’t know what it is. A feeling deeper than I’ve been able to dig. And, I’ve been digging a long time. I don’t want to keep digging for something I can’t see. I can only feel it. The streets are taking over. I’m fighting, but I’m weak.  The streets have broken me into small pieces that I’m struggling to pick up. I’ve found most of the pieces but one’s missing, the biggest piece, my heart. The only thing that I need to love life, even knowing that I can’t change who I am. I’m lost just trying to find myself. I’m blinded by the missing piece. I can’t fold. I can’t crumble. I have to move. I have to touch the moon.  The only thing that is truly stronger than the street is the power of love that my heart holds. I’ve made it. I found the missing piece. The perfect love stories. The perfect life. I am not perfect but my love is perfectly imperfect.  Entry #2144 Understanding Me If you knew me, you would know that I have been through a lot since I was born.  I remember when I was little I really didn’t have much food or clothing. My mom and dad split up after I was born. My mom asked my grandma if she could take care of me. It was hard for her to do that, but she did come see me as I grew up.  I wish I could go back in time and help my mom and dad so that I had a good childhood. I would help them stay together.  I love my family, but hate when they don’t understand me. I miss not being able to go outside when I want. I miss not talking to my friends.  Entry #2145 Some Day I wish I had my freedom.  I wish I was home.  I wish I was loved.  I remember when I could not leave the yard.  I remember when I wanted to grow up quickly.  I remember wanting to move out of my dad’s place.  I should be home.  I should be loved.  I should be wanted. I am cool.  I am kind.  I am funny.  I will be free.  I will be home soon. I will be loved someday.  Entry #2146 Misses and Wishes I miss going for drives. I miss being outside with my friends. I miss going to school on the outs. I miss my freedom. I miss being outside past 12. I miss my parents. I miss sneaking out. I miss doing anything I want, whenever I want. But my court is coming up this month. I'm hoping that I will get out on ankle monitor. If I do get out, I'm hoping that I won't come back because I'm trying to change and make my parents proud. *** isn't that bad for real. It's like a daycare except you don't go home until the judge says you can. For me personally, I don’t want to be here 24/7. One thing I like doing is making nicknames for kids. Their name is what they do in here. For example, if you stole candy and got caught your name would be candy man. Entry #2147 Chalk Nothing matters.  That’s how I feel.  I don’t know why nothing’s real. Hopeless for no reason.  The empire in my brain is treason.  My heart, light as chalk, bland and dull.  The devil came to my soul to cull.  Entry #2148 Spray Paint I remember growing up in the bay area and seeing graffiti when I would go on road-trips. I remember going into abandoned buildings or under bridges when I was a preteen and looking at the words on the walls.  I remember my parents calling it “vandalism.”  I remember thinking it was beautiful art and would wonder how the artist would get to the crazy locations on overpasses.  I remember the first time I saw someone spray painting. It was on the side of a train car. I was sitting in my dad’s truck and I saw a man quickly tagging one of the best pieces I’ve ever seen.  I remember sitting in my room when I got home and creating my first tag.  I remember practicing it over and over even though it wasn’t the best.  I remember the first time someone called my work art. It was a classmate and soon after I started doing graffs for all the kids in my class.  I remember practicing every day, trying out new styles and I remember that I am still getting better and practicing.  I remember my parents calling it vandalism.  I always knew it was art.  Entry #2149 Just Talking My biggest goal is to get out of juvenile hall. I just moved to California a few months ago. When I first came down here, I got in with the wrong group of kids. We started selling cars, going on high speed chases, and getting in trouble with the law. What I didn't think of was my family. It took me getting locked up this 4th time to realize that my grandma needs me at home. I help her with her dialysis treatment. What I did not realize is that my 9 year old nephew looks up to me. He does the things he sees me do. If he sees his uncle is sneaking out of the house late at night and getting locked up back to back, he might think it’s cool and that it’s not hard being locked up, so he might start doing the stuff I do. I don't want him to go down the same track as me. Before I came down here, I lived in Ohio. I'm not gonna lie - I got locked up one time down there, but I realized that I didn't want to go through that. When I moved, I just felt like I had too much stuff in my 14 year old life. I'm 15 now and things in my life are starting to change. I'm still helping my grandma, but I also have help now. I just want to focus on us and try to stop getting in trouble and start focusing on the people who are there for me. `