Entry #2073

The Cell

It’s dark in here

No one around to comfort.

All alone

Just me and my thoughts.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I was forever stuck in my cell.

Would I be happy?

Would I be sad?

Would I even want out?

I always ask myself what I’m going to do when I no longer see these brick walls.

Free…

When I’m free.

When no one is around to control me.

But will I feel free

When I know deep down that all my thoughts and feelings are gone?

Walls…

Four walls

All alone by myself.

Not a soul around.

Thoughts

My thoughts.

Nothing else.

Sometimes I sketch pictures of my cell just so I can see if it’s real.

Real...

Is it real.

It kind of feels like a really bad dream or even a nightmare.

What will my future self be like? Will I be locked away forever?

Will I finally unleash what I have hidden deep in my heart?

Heart…

My heart.

It’s all gone.

 

Entry #2074

 I Will Survive

A time when I was surviving at my lowest was when I was about 11 years old. It was a bad time. Mom was always at the bar drinking and we had no food or anything because it was always getting spent on cigarettes and alcohol. Soon the power went out and the water was shut off. It was mine and my brothers’ job to keep my little sister and baby brother fed. We didn’t really care how we got it, even if we had to rob or steal or sell drugs to get it. I remember a time we had to save up a lot of money to buy a space heater so we weren’t freezing. That was pretty rough, but we were still living. There was a time when all we had was one pack of bologna meat and syrup in an ice chest. When I was nine or so, for about a year, me and my family were living in an RV on the sides of roads and bathing in plastic bins. What I learned about myself at that time is I AM a survivor and it taught me that I could get through anything as I think back about that time. Shoot, I think it was a lot simpler then. Growing up is hard. Man, when I was growing up the only room I ever had to myself was a cell. I’m a mountain in a family of broken stones and now I know I will survive.

 

Entry #2075

 

Drained 

 

                                                        I waS depressed for the longest time 

                                             I was drainEd and lost 

                                  It wasn't to be cooL or to fit in  

                                                 It wasn't For attention 

 

                                    I wasn't trying to Hurt people 

                                                      I was Addicted 

                                      It made me feel Real 

                                                            It Made me forget 

 

 

Entry #2076

The September Night Sky

My mom had a hard time keeping her job because she was sick most of the time. She gave me up when I was three years old for almost eight years. I stayed with my grandma. I had so many struggles living without my mom because she would be in and out of my life. I have three sisters that were not close to me. That was hard too, but I told myself to keep going until I went to live with my mom. Everything went down-hill because I didn’t really have a connection with my mom either. Dad never was there; he was doing drugs and in and out of jail, not there for me or my sister. My mom really tried to bring the good out of me, but I was too far gone in my guilt and my hurt sole. I pushed everyone away from me so I didn’t hurt anyone, but while I was trying to keep people from getting hurt I was hurting them still. I started to run with the wrong people and started to do drugs, drinking, and fighting all the time, hiding my pain in the wrong way. Now I’m in the system because I ran away from the home CPS placed me in. I stayed with my homie until he got killed and I had to come back. You never know when your last breath is, so I told myself I had to go home and get my shit together so I can be there when my mom or sisters need me. My mom is now in the hospital and dad’s in state prison. I’m in the hall, but I feel like I’m on the right street. I hope to be getting out this week.

 

Entry #2077

By Myself 

The time I was at my lowest point was when my mom kicked me and my little brother out, and I had to take him under my wing. It was hard for me because I was only 12 years old. I didn’t know what to do. I was trying to find a place for me to stay, but it was even harder to find a place for both of us to stay. My dad was in prison, so I couldn’t go to him for help because he didn’t have my phone number. I also couldn’t write to him because I didn’t have an address for him to send a letter back. 

I coped with this situation by using marijuana and drinking because I didn’t know what else to do. I was so young, and that’s all I knew. That’s all my parents did was smoke and drink when they needed to cope. Another way I coped was by talking to my uncle and the rest of my dad’s side of the family because I knew he wouldn’t report that my brother and I were staying with him. He helped me take care of my little brother so that I didn’t have to do it by myself. I got to the point where I felt like I could be on my own, but I still had doubts. So, I kept coping with marijuana and alcohol, and I just led myself to a point where I had just messed up my life more. 

 

Entry #2078

Someone I Used to Be

I remember a while ago, I was just about three years old, sitting next to my brother by the Christmas tree, but I wasn’t old enough to recognize that my brother would be deployed again soon. A few months after deployment, two uniformed men came to the door with his uniforms folded in hand. All I remember was mama crying at the door. I was old enough to have the knowledge of what happened, but I didn’t want to believe it. As a year would go by, I sat in bed and asked my mother, “Mama, where did Johnny go?” I found out then, he was in a better place. As I got older, I learned to cherish life before life becomes a better one. But as I entered my teenage years, I lacked enough morals. I had no brother to teach me well enough. I hung with the wrong people. I met a girl and she made me feel so happy, but I started running away and doing drugs because I couldn’t find myself. 

 

Entry #2079

Tables Turning

I feel the hate

I feel the tears falling off my face

I feel the whisky burning

I feel the tables turning

I feel the walls caving in

and the losses of my friends

I feel my body getting weaker and weaker

waiting for my turn to see the reaper

I feel the past slowly repeating

I feel my heart slowly bleeding  

 

Entry #2080

So I Ran

Money affected my life. When I was fifteen years old my father kicked me out of his house because all I would spend my money on was drugs and alcohol. My father thought I had a problem with drugs and we got into a fight. I was on drugs that I had just bought with the last of my money. In our fight on my birthday, I split above his eye and knocked some of his teeth. I also broke some of his fingers. He called the cops, so I ran.

After that day, I was on my own, and on the run. Trying to make money the right way, but I couldn’t without a parent, so I switched to selling drugs. I also started stealing things from stores to sell to people for drugs or money. Most of the time it would be for money, that way I would save half for transportation to my sales or to go see my mom and do drugs with her.

 

Entry #2081

Hand Me Downs

Money. Man, money is the source of power of most everything. If you got enough money you can do almost anything or get other people to do anything. I’ve done a lot of bad things for money. I’ve robbed, stole, and sold drugs. I’ve even fought for money. Growing up I couldn’t just ask my mom for money. We had bills to pay and the only reason we had food was because the food stamps hit. I was wearing shoes that were too small and hand me downs that never fit. But moms always made stuff work for me and my siblings. One thing I learned having money is it can’t buy love or happiness but it can buy drugs and back then that’s all I needed to think I was happy. I was fooling everyone, even myself. That **** don’t make me happy. It makes me do dumb stuff that ends me up here. 

 

Entry #2082

A Dream

I had to leave my country. It was the hardest thing to see my mom trying to prevent something from happening to me and my family too, but when I came, no one helped me to get food. I was faced with living in a way that would only help my family. I had to take the lead to try to give them what one day I promised them. They were not going to suffer anymore because I came looking for a dream and I was going to fulfill it. They would not lack anything. Everything was different when I realize that I had to depend on myself. If I didn't work, I wouldn't eat. The same with sleep. But now it's different, I'm a better person in life.

 

Entry #2083

Two Jobs

Growing up I didn’t really have money. I came from a low-income family. Half my life I grew up in east ******** and the other half I spent it up in the west. Growing up my moms was always working so we could have a crib and some food on the table. It was lowkey hard for my mom because she was a single parent and had five of us to take care of.  I wanted to help her so I went and got a job with my uncle but the money was coming too slow so I started selling and other things. I guess I fell in love with that fast money but I just told moms that I had two jobs to make her happy. I got too comfortable and got my ass here.

 

Entry #2084

My Dad

When I was younger, my dad was slinging drugs, and he just did it for the money. He got my house shot up two times and almost got my little brother shot, all because he screwed somebody out in a drug deal. He got himself killed doing that. I found out that it was a rapper where I’m from that killed him. Ever since then, I dropped out of school, joined a gang, and started slinging myself–just like my dad. I’m always looking for a person that knew him, killed him or even someone that was cool with him. 

 

Entry #2085

Becoming a Man

My lowest point was last year, 2023. I got put down to do two years. The reason I felt so low was because I was away from my family and my girlfriend. I coped with it by thinking about how much my family and girlfriend cared about me. I kept my head out of my a–and did good inside so that I could get out on my release date. What I have learned about myself is that I’m not meant to be away from my loved ones. My new perspective on life is that I need to do good so that I can do what I would like to do with my life.

 

Entry #2086

A Place Meant for the Lost

When the judge gave me a couple years I didn’t know how to feel. I wasn’t really upset about it, but I wasn’t happy either. I’ve been incarcerated for over a year, but it feels like it’s only been like a couple months. The times speeding past. I’m trying to do good to get an early release and it’s working. I can’t wait till I’m released, but at the same time I’m afraid. I feel like it’s going to be hard adjusting back to my community. I know I’ll come out strong though. So far, I’ve come a long way from when I first got locked up. When I came in I was filled with sadness and anger. I’m still angry sometimes, but I’m barely sad. I learned to find happiness in a place meant for the lost. I’m not gonna lie, I’m still lost but I’m slowly finding the real me. Since coming in here I’ve found new healthy hobbies. I found out I actually like reading, writing, and I love to make music. I’ve also learned how valuable alone time can be when you’re constantly surrounded by other people. I’ve also repaired a lot of relationships while locked up. When I first came in, me and my mom did not get along and now she’s one of the people I’m closest to. I graduated high school too. Anyways here’s a hook to one of my songs:

People quick to say they love you if it’s true you better prove it,

I’ve been snaked by my own blood sometimes I think I’m gonna lose it,

Comin back from the hard times I gotta watch the way I’m movin’,

Watch my back and cut the grass I gotta keep up with the movement

 

 

Entry #2087

Striving

Money has always been a problem in my childhood. I grew up poor, and was homeless a couple of times, living in a homeless shelter. As I grew up I started doing things for money like helping a friend out in the fields and trimming. I’d say I love money because I never had much growing up and I feel like I need it to survive. I’ve been good recently but I’d say the lowest point in my life was being hungry for a long time waiting for the salvation army food baskets at the first of the month. I don’t know what we would’ve done without it. My mom still made sure we would eat, but sometimes it was really hard in the situation we were in. I learned a lot growing up, like to be grateful for what you have and not to take stuff for granted because happiness doesn’t last forever. Everything I’ve been through has pushed me and motivated me to succeed and to get what I need and what I didn’t have in life.

 

Entry #2088

Green Greed

I grew up poor in the streets of Sacramento, bouncing house to house – apartment to apartment. I lived everywhere in Sac and then moved upstate. I grew up taking things I wanted and needed because I didn’t have the money to buy it. I did bad things. I robbed people, ran inside houses, ran inside stores; all sorts of things. The thing I like most about money is that it buys you happiness, you can do whatever you want with money. But also, money can lead you to bad and dark places. You can rob the wrong person and end up dead or get locked up for it. My greed for money caused me to get locked up. Rollers did a 2-month investigation on me because of a robbery I committed. Now I’m locked up suffering the consequences. I’m about to get released after 7 months of being locked up. I have a job lined up when I get out. So that means no more robbing for what I need and want.

 

Entry #2089

Don’t Take It for Granted

I remember when I was fourteen years old. That was the time when I was at my lowest. My brother went down for a shooting. Then my other brother got popped by the cops. So that year of my life I was going through it. Then I went down for a charge and did some time for that. The whole time this was happening, I was just wondering why all this BS was happening to me. So I started just not caring about life. From all of those experiences, I learned to never take the time with your loved ones for granted and try to live in the moment. 

 

Entry #2090

Tired

I feel like I was at my lowest point when everyone I know switched up on me, and I was on the run. I’ve had to sleep under a bridge or find abandoned houses to stay at. To cope with it, I went down the wrong path and did the wrong things to survive. Now that I’ve been here three too many times, I have chosen to turn my life around, so I can have a life I never thought I would have. I’m tired of living like this.

 

Entry #2091

Enough Funds

I grew up in South Side with a tough childhood. Mom never having enough funds. Growing up we had a rough life always staying with my mom’s friends until we got our own house. It was still rough though mom working 9-5 everyday trying to pay rent and get us the clothes that we want. But when I started to get older and realize I could help my mom out with rent I did what I had to do. I was 13 trying to get money for my mom. I started buying my own clothes and food so she didn’t have to worry about paying for me and could just focus on rent and my little brothers. I had to start selling weed and was scamming for iPhones. I was making a cool amount of money so I could do what I had to do and get what I needed and still help my mom out at the same time. When my mom found out what I was doing she wasn’t happy, but she also didn’t get where I was coming from. I was tired of seeing her struggle and do everything by herself and nobody helping her.

 

Entry #2092

To Get What I Need

I grew up poor. When I was seven, I lived under a bridge and was homeless for two years. I had no clothes, very little food, and slept in a tent, sometimes a car. When I was nine years old, I had a house while living with my aunt. I started running away and got put in a group home. Then I started stealing food to eat, and when I got older I started out stealing bikes and other things to earn money. The money made me happy because I could get clothes, shoes, and food.

 

Entry #2093

Coping 

A time I was at my lowest point was when my childhood best friend passed away. I coped with the situation by doing drugs and drinking. During this time, I would refuse to go to school and would always run away from home. My parents didn’t understand why I would skip school and run away. Eventually, my parents didn’t like me doing drugs and drinking so they told me that they were going to kick me out if I didn’t stop doing what I was doing. I remember coming home from my cousin’s party under the influence and getting into an argument with my aunt. She told me that she was kicking me out. I didn’t know what to do, so I called my best friend’s mom and asked her if she could pick me up. She picked me up and I told her that I got kicked out for the things I was doing. She told me that it was going to be okay, and that she would help me get through everything that I was going through.

 

Entry #2094

Tragedy

Something happened when I was 13 years old. Something tragic I haven’t told anybody except for a few closest people in my life. I’m 19 years old and it f—s with me to this day. I don’t know how to reflect on it. I try not to think about it and just let it go. 

 

Entry #2095

For the Money

Money affected my process in what I wanted to do because not growing up rich meant I had a difficult life. I’ve done many bad things, like running drugs and selling drugs quite a few times. The money was dirty and I started making a lot. It is okay because I helped my family and bought what I wanted: the car I wanted and all the clothes I wanted. I helped my family, and that gives me happiness. But I have struggled a lot to be able to make money and have been through life or death.

 

Entry #2096

Money for Sports

Growing up, my family and I didn’t really have much money. So, when I wanted to play sports to stay out of trouble, my mom couldn’t afford all the stuff that I needed. Eventually I gave up on sports. After that, I went around with a rake and trash bags and asked all my neighbors to rake up their leaves for 20 bucks. I did that for about six months–then I stopped. I stopped going to school. I stopped coming home some days. I just wanted to hang out with friends. Now I’m locked up and l feel like I still have potential for playing sports. That’s all I ever wanted to do.

 

Entry #2097

Stop Digging

At my lowest point I wasn’t even myself. I was making decisions that weren’t the best for me. I was going through it for real. I chose to cope with this by using substances and committing crimes. I learned that I’m not myself when I get in moods like this. This has influenced my perspective on life by making me more cautious of my decisions and when I get in a hole I don’t dig myself deeper. Keep on my feet and push through whatever.