Entry #2098
Problems
A
time when someone left when I needed them the most was when I was about eleven
or twelve and it was my dad. You see, my dad is not a bad person. He is
actually a pretty good guy. He just had a lot of stuff going on at the time. We
were low on money and he probably felt he had too much responsibility. So, he
left. I can still remember how mad I was at him. I’m usually not one to hold a
grudge, but let me tell you, I didn’t let this go. I remember me and my
brothers driving around town looking for him to beat him up. We never found him
because he went to prison.
It
made it to where I had to grow up too soon. I couldn’t have the childhood I
wanted to have because I had to take care of a lot of other people than myself,
like my little sister and baby brother. My little sister was about ten at the
time and my baby brother was about a year old. So, you could say I had my hands
full. But anyways, I was too young and I needed my dad.
A
couple of years later my mother passed away and my dad got out of prison. I
went to juvenile hall for something I did, and since I had nowhere to go, guess
what? I had to go live with him when I got out. It was like being in a room
with someone you’ve never met before. I was confused and tied with emotions of
a man I barley remembered. And now I had to share a room with him. I was pissed
off at the world. Time went on and we eventually got along after about three
months, but even after that, he always felt like more of a friend than a father
to me.
Entry #2099
Lost
My
parents were Caught up in the mess.
High
all the time.
Isolated and alone
Lies & pinky promises
I coulDn’t trust anybody
How
could this be?
Was
I lOved? Was the love real?
Off
and on, in and out of my life.
All
I want is a Dad and mom
Entry #2100
Skeleton
Ever since I was born my mom has been in and out of
prison. It never really seemed like she cared about me or any of my siblings.
She was always leaving to go “handle business” or to go hang out with her
druggie friends. One day I was selling lemonade on the block we called “Central
Ogden”. As I was advertising my sales I saw my mom across the street walking to
her friend's house. “Mommy” I screamed across the street. She never turned her
head to respond to me. I got up to go talk to her when I saw at least 3 police
cars going in her direction. I tried to get to her before the cops did, but I
was too late. Watching the cops take her broke something inside of me that
still hasn’t been fixed. As I got older I started to feel like my emotions
were slowly whittling my mind and body away. I felt like I was turning into a
skeleton that couldn’t communicate or live a normal life. I wanted to let out a
guttural cry and let all my anger and trauma out. But I couldn’t and I’ve
never found myself since.
Entry #2101
Cold Bricks and Thin Mattresses
As I sit in my cell and think to myself, I wonder what my life will be. Will I be in prison? Will I be successful? Will I make my mother proud one day? All those thoughts torment me at night. Your thoughts are all you have in here – prison/juvenile hall - you don’t have any real friends here. And, your friends when you come in, won’t be your friends when you come out.
I come from a small town and I have a lot of good memories there but at the same time, the worst memories. My mother and I never really had money. I was always jealous of other kids at school, the reason I started fighting and taking their belongings. My mother has never failed me though. She is my strongest supporter. I’m so thankful that I have her in my life. She’s the greatest.
Nowadays, I am just so full of hatred and anger. I find that I mostly feel lost. One day I’ll get a grasp on myself. I don’t feel it’s going to be soon though.
I never really had a father
figure in my life after the age of 7. I mean here and there, but they never
stuck around. My real father came around once and that was when I was nine. I
knew him for about two months and stayed with him. That two months seemed great
at first, but now that I look back, it became hell on earth. That two months
turned me to the person I am today.
Entry #2102
Dad
Someone that has bailed on me was my dad. I am not sure
why he bailed but I heard that he’s just a dirtbag. I want to know the real
reason why because every time I saw him he seemed that he had love for me. I’m
not sure why he didn’t stick around to see me grow up. I’ll probably never
know.
Entry #2103
Just Not Available
My mom left me at a time that I
needed a mother figure the most. She wasn’t really gone, just not available
like a mother should be to her daughter. She was a drug addict, but me and my
younger siblings were too young to understand what was going on. She was never
around or at the house so I had to take care of my younger siblings myself. We
would always be around strangers who were getting high while my mom would be
across town getting high. I was around 7 years old and we never stayed at the
same crib for more than a few weeks. During this period of my life I would get
sexually assaulted a lot through my mom’s absence. I hated and resented my
mother and promised myself that I would never do substances and end up like
her. But this year I have experienced addiction to alcohol and it’s gotten me
nowhere but locked up and in the hospital multiple times. Now I have forgiven
my mom because holding on to that hatred has done nothing good for me. I
haven’t seen my her in about nine years.
Entry #2104
Once Again
This is sad…I’m sitting in this Juvenile Hall cell
because of the crimes I keep committing. But I’ve been sitting here and I
realize what I need in life. I need guidelines. When I was out, I was too young
for a male adult to take me under his wing and teach me how to be a man. But
now that I’m older and more mature and can think with a clear mind I wish I had
a chance to have a normal life.
Entry #2105
Just Talking
My dad left! Growing up my dad
was always in and out of jail and getting high. Always telling me and my sister
he’s going to change when he comes home. Every time he would come home he would
be good for a month or so and then go back. We realized he was just talking and
was never going to change. Every time I hit my cell I wonder if he was in my
life, would I be who I am today? Would I be locked up for 3 ½ years? Guess I’ll
never know.
Entry #2106
I
Bailed
One summer I was running around not listening to anyone
but myself. I am a hard-headed kid. I do not like getting told what to do
because I’m gonna do what I want to. In March came a time in my life that
everything went to hell. I was never home. A couple months after March, I got
locked up. This is when I bailed on everyone I loved and trusted. I didn’t show
up for them because I was down in the hall. I will never forget the tone of
voice from my best friend when I called her. All she could say was “Why, I miss
you already”. Then she started crying and so did I. I told her I loved her with
all my heart and I’ll see her when I get out.
Entry #2107
What’s on My Mind
Today I woke up and took a shower
wondering when I’ll be released. My PO called the staff and told them I could
either get out on the sixteenth or I will get sentenced. Hopefully I can get out on the sixteenth I’ve
only been in here a little under a month but it feels like forever. I’m always
saying this place isn’t for me but I always find my way back. Every time I get in a cop car I think to myself
instantly, what could I have done different? How come when I’m doing whatever
I’m doing I don’t think about the consequences right there? Who knows. That’s a
question for myself, but here I am sitting in juvie, wondering once again, why
do I do what I do? Maybe it’s because I lost one of my close friends? Nah.
Maybe it’s because my mom’s not around? Nah. Maybe because I’m just a defiant
kid? Who knows why I do what I do. Man, maybe this place is for me. This is the
only time I do my schoolwork or focus on my future. That’s definitely not a
good thing. Maybe I need to stay in here until I feel like I could think of
that on the outs.
Entry #2108
By My Side
My ma and pops been gone my whole
life. I don’t know why, to be honest, except for drugs. It’s been very hard growing
up without them: growing up without a pops to help guide me and without a nurturing
mom. It’s hard living with grandma even though I love her with my whole heart. Deep
down I know it would be different with a ma and pops to show me right and wrong
and how to do this and that. It’s hard knowing that someone can just get up and
leave like that. This affects me in a lot of ways…how I grew up, where I am now,
never being there for a meeting or anything like that, or a dad to save the day.
Even though my grams does her best it gets hard for her. Especially, where I am
now. Sometimes I sit and think what it would be like to have them by my side.
Entry #2110
The System
The thing that is on my mind is how the system is messed
up. You could be done with the time they gave you, but you have nowhere to
go, so they keep you in the system, locked up from the outside world until they
find you a place to go. They will say it’s a good place to stay, but when cops
and other people leave, the placement people turn to **** and they don’t want
to help you. All they want to do is keep you for the money. Then you mess up in
time and they tell you how much of a piece of **** you are. Then they call the
cops and make you suffer more.
Entry #2111
What’s on my Mind
I
have to get out and do better, not just for me, but ex-girlfriend, who is
pregnant, and for my family. I wouldn’t say I like it in here, but it is
somewhat better than being on the outside. I have a roof over my head, food to
eat, a place to sleep and I have my friends in here. But what I am really
missing out on is being with my ex-girlfriend and taking care of her like I
should be, instead of locked up, doing nothing good for myself or anyone around
me.
The
main thing I don’t miss about being out is smoking and drinking. I’m kind of glad
I got locked up at the time I did, because if I kept on running I don’t know
what I’d be doing right now. I know I wouldn’t have had the strength to turn
myself in. I would have been still selling drugs, stealing bottles and doing my
own thing, trying to get food and trying to survive every which way.
It’s
getting progressively harder in here though. I just lost one of my close
friends I was with almost every day on the outside. I didn’t know until
yesterday night and his memorial is today. It’s hurting me because I can’t go
to it and I can’t get him or the way he had passed, out of my mind. I know he
would want me to do better when I get out and not go do something dumb and land
myself back inside here. He would want me to be there for his family and all
our friends.
I
sometimes worry if I am really going to do better when I get out or if I’m just
going to do better for a few months then go back to my old self, like how I did
last time. I’m scared to get out, but still want to. It’s going to be hard for
me to actually do good and change myself for the better because who I am is who
I am I’m going to have to change for everyone around me, mostly for my baby and
ex-girlfriend. The reality is that if I was just trying to do it for myself, I’d
have no motivation to do better. I’d just want to go back to the old ways I was
and be my actual self when I was on the outs.
I
sometimes think of not being here and just disappearing and going away forever.
Who would notice or even care where I was or if I was alright? I actually do
the stuff I am supposed to do in here. I had the first shower I had in about 2
months when I first got locked up. It’s going to be hard to live with my dad
and go back to being a good person and not making bad decisions. I have court
soon. I hope to get released on GPS and not be in here much longer even though
I am seeming to like it inside of JH. I have only been in here about 3 weeks
and I was on the run for about a year. It was 11 months and 27 days I was out
by myself, running from everything and anything I couldn’t face because I was
scared too.
The first day I got in here all I thought of was
my close friend that passed away the day I got out last time. I think that’s
also one of the reasons I wouldn’t turn myself in. I wasn’t trying to think
about him the whole time I was in here. I haven’t really thought about him in a
bad way. If anything, it’s been motivation for me while I am in here. I got one
of my homies in here that was more close to him than I was and it helps I
actually know people inside of here.
Entry #2112
Close
I was ten when my mom left her boyfriend. I was close
with him because I never knew my dad. He would do some messed up ****. I just
thought it was normal because I lived with them for so long. It wasn’t until a
year later that I realized how his actions affected me. I wasn’t done going
through **** so I started abusing substances to feel happy and running around
the city stealing and selling to eat. I never got caught, but my mom started
calling the cops because I would never come home. I was mad at the world. She
told the cops where all my friends' houses were and they came looking for me
and I would already be somewhere else. Usually I would be beefing with random
people trying to get my anger out on them.
Entry #2113
Broken Heart
When I was 11, my brother was doing drugs. He was an
addict. My mom and I would get into fights with my brother because of all the
drugs and alcohol he was doing. It caused him seizures. I remember my worst day
ever when my brother had a seizure, fell on the floor and started bleeding. I
ran to my mom who gave me instructions and took him to the hospital. When she
got back she shouted at me and told me I was selfish and that my brother's
seizures were my fault. My punishment was a broken heart and 100
push-ups.
Entry # 2114
Whole Grain Pot Tarts
At home I had a TV in my room, in
here I have books
At home I had Takis and Doritos
in my room, in here I got whole grain pop tarts
At home I had Nikes and Jordan’s
in my room, in here I got Walmart and no brand
At home I had an iPhone in my
room, here I got workbooks and a pencil
At home I had a dog, in here I
got a grasshopper
At home I had a bedframe, in here
I got a slab
At home I had an Xbox One, in
here I got PS5
At home I had sheetrock, in here
I got bricks
At home I had a room, in here I
got a cell
Entry #2115
Kicked Out
When I got kicked out of my mom’s, I felt a sense of
relief until I realized I was my own person. I moved in with dad across the
country. I was really struggling with finding myself and my mental health. I
thought self-medication would work because that is what I grew up with. My dad
was a heavy alcoholic, so I started taking his alcohol when he would pass out
drunk. That led to me sneaking out and stealing for myself. I messed up and got
arrested and tried to end my own life. After that, I was sent to multiple
mental hospitals and was put on lots of meds. I started abusing my meds and got
into heavier drugs. I was sent back to my mom and sent to more hospitals and
group homes. She kicked me out and I moved to the county I live in now with my
grandma. I started hanging out with the people who weren’t that good for me. I
got caught up for a lot of illegal **** and ended up getting locked up. My
family gave up on me.
Entry #2116
Friends
F. riends who are never
there.
A.burst of jealousy when you have stuff they don’t.
K. een sense of
real friends.
E. verlasting jokes
being made about you.
S. urrounding
yourself with ***** people.
F. riends who actually support you.
R. eal homies who don’t dip when you’re in ****.
I. nfluenced positively from the ones you
hang with.
E. xamples given by others of what not
to do.
N. o hard feelings given on your
opinion.
D. eep understanding
from the real ones.
S. satisfaction
from being around homies.
Entry #2117
The Life Story
I am a good friend until you cross
me. Then I will run the fade and get it out the way. One day when I was a
little kid my dad had gone to prison. So, I went live with my step dad and my
mom. He had taught me how to fight and perfect myself. I was 5 when I went to
go live with my grandma. So, I had no man in my life. Well I had my big brother
always watching over me, a protector when people tried fighting me. Then I
started doing bad in school and getting expelled. I always had a bad attitude since
I was 6. I always got into fights and was getting kicked out of school. I started
smoking at about 10 but gave it up because I was getting kicked out of school
for that too. More recently I have been getting locked up. But now I am trying
to do good and change my life around. I am going to start taking care of my
grandma. I still owe her the world because she took care of me when my mom and
dad couldn’t. So, I owe her a good rest of her life. And I am trying to get my
education right and go to college. I’d like to make my family proud and I am
going to try to get back into the sports. I’d love to play in the NFL or go
into MMA and knock people out without getting into trouble. When I was doing
sports, like football, it was the only time I was not constantly getting into
trouble. And when I was doing boxing and wrestling I was not getting into
trouble either.
Entry #2118
Teacher
My friend is my teacher. He’s my friend because he’s been
there for two years of my life and he’s been really nice to me and a great
teacher. We have been through good times and bad - more good than bad.
Entry #2119
Was it Fun?
A lot of people left when I
needed them most. A lot of them were my own blood too. My mom kicked me out and
my pops was never there. My family, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents
refused to take me in. With all honesty I probably wouldn’t of went down this
path if they were to give me the support I needed. I’m not the victim though,
and this isn’t a victim statement. I chose this way of life, no doubt. I knew
there were other options, but I didn’t take them because I was scared of the
outcome. It was my choice to start playin’ with guns, robbing people, stealing
things, selling and doing drugs. At the time it didn’t feel like I had a choice
but I did. I DID. Honestly, at first all I saw for myself was prison or death,
but that was my fault too. It was a thought that I put in my head. In all
honesty, if I could go back and change it I wouldn’t. I love the man it made
me. That’s what mistakes are made for. I know better than to regret the things
I did or the situations I put myself in. Regrets just hold you back and that’s
not for me. I want to reach for the stars, not stay in this darkness. I used to
have fun in the streets. But was it really fun? Or was it just adrenaline
rushes that made me feel good. I don’t know if I’ll ever get that answer.
Entry#2120
My Best
Friend
My best friend left when I needed them most. I needed her
the most because I was going through something that no kid should have to go
through. What happened was my parents got into an argument and ended up
splitting up. I was only eleven at the time and my best friend refused to talk
to me. This affected me poorly because I was trying to pursue my goals and I
couldn’t because I was so upset.
Entry #2121
He Left Me and Us
My father bailed on me before I
could even get to know who he was, but he left me, left us. My family and his.
He didn’t even have a second thought about it either. He left the people that
needed him. I needed him. He hurt my family. He should have stayed there for me,
but now he can do him. Without us.
