Entry
#1990
Changes
It’s crazy how much my life has changed in the past 5 years. I used to just be a little boy filled with innocence and just worried about my grades in school. I wanted to be one of the first people in my family to earn my high school diploma. I still will be, but it’ll be earned in Juvenile Hall. Even though I seemed innocent I was still walking in on my dad twisting the pipe and shooting up heroin. I was stuck getting abused by both parents as well. I would go into public, hiding the bruises on my body and my emotions. I was always taught from a young age to never snitch and to not show emotion because if you do, people will use the emotions against you.
My whole life switched around when I got kicked out. I was homeless so I had to steal so I could eat and I had guns so I could survive from people who claimed they wanted me gone. I started selling, dealing, and doing drugs. I started stealing so I could make money. There were not a lot of options. From being locked up I’ve realized a lot of people only love you when you’re dead in a grave or shackled in a cage. My best friends’ mom (who I called Mom) let me move in with them, but at that point I was already addicted to the streets. It’s the only way I knew.
I
started stealing cars and cutting catalytic converter for fun and an extra
couple bucks in my pocket. I still remember one time when I came home in the
middle of the night. My “Mom” saw me with my gun on my lap. She yelled my name
and I told her it was just a BB gun. She knew I was lying, but she loved me like
her own son so she just didn’t know what to do and walked away. She didn’t know
what to say at that point. She knew my negative behaviors where getting worse.
She just couldn’t do anything about it. God, I wish I just listened to my “Mom”
instead of stealing shit, and selling weed, coke, pills, all of it. Now I’m
locked up worried about my past. I wish I never had my finger on that trigger.
Entry
#1991
Man, I’m locked up
and missing my aunt and daughter. She just turned five and I promised her I was
coming to get her, but that was just another lie. When I came in here I was in
bad shape. I was on drugs and I was on the verge of death. It has been two
years since the last time I saw my daughter. It was after I drove her and her
mother to Washington. Most people think I gave up on her. That was not the
case. I didn’t want my baby girl around
the drugs, like my family did to me, always cooking dope and selling. I wanted
better for her. I left so I could get better. This was a lie I told myself. You
know, coming in here was the best for me; I’m clean. I almost lost my life and
my daughter almost lost her dad. I am about to be 18 this year and looking
forward to getting out and seeing her again.
Entry #1992
The
Broken Inside of my Life
If
you knew me you would know I'm broken inside.
You
would know I'm scared of love.
You
would know I cry myself to sleep every night.
You
would know I will always be alone in my life.
If
you knew me you’d know I trust no one.
You
would know I want to die, but I can’t.
You
would know I want to be free.
You
would know I live a painful life.
If
you knew me you would know I love any type of art.
You
would know I pray to God to heal me of pain.
You
would know I am a protector.
If
you knew me you would know I'm a lone wolf.
You
would know I grew up in an abusive home.
You
would know I was beaten by my own family.
You
would know I was on the streets when I turned 12 years old.
If
you knew me you would know I prefer peace, not violence.
You
would know I’m scared of weapons.
You
would know I won’t ever touch drugs and alcohol.
If
you knew me you would know I want to get out.
You
would know I lose everyone I show love.
You
would know I want change.
You
would know I hate to shed my tears in front of others.
If
you knew me you would know I have a good heart.
You
would know I act without thinking.
You
would know I will be here for a long time.
You
would know I will be a man of success.
If
you knew me you would know I lost everything.
If
you knew me you would know I stick up for what’s right.
You
would know this is who I am.
Entry
#1993
Face to Face
Thanksgiving
is my favorite time of the year. The food, the family, the traditions, I
believe it is the best time of the year. Sadly, I have to be locked up for this
year’s Thanksgiving. I’ve missed other holidays in the time I have been here
such as the 4th of July and Halloween, but those holidays don’t have a whole
lot of deep meaning. But Thanksgiving is a holiday I give a **** about. Me and
my family have a get together and make a whole bunch of food and it's only
around Thanksgiving we all get together and get to see each other face to face.
Any other time of the year everyone is wrapped up in their own lives, so it’s
definitely frustrating that I am locked up for this Thanksgiving.
Entry #1994
Life
in the Hall
Here in the hall we wake up around six
o’clock to shower.
On a normal day on the outs, to keep it
real, I’d be waking up when we are having lunch in the hall, around 11-12.
I would wake up, usually turn some music
on, and start loading a bowl. After that I’d get something to eat depending if
I’m going somewhere that day. I would start on getting ready, doing my hair, my
makeup and getting an outfit for the day.
On a weekend in the hall after breakfast
we’d have free rec: playing cards, reading books, stuff like that.
On the outs I don’t do any of those things
so personally it gets hella boring in here doing the same shit over and over
again.
We also have groups with B n G that we
often go to sometimes.
On the outs I don’t go to any type of
groups so around the time in here when we’re doing group, I’d usually be out
doing something, maybe sliding to a cousin’s house, making plans or chillin’ by
myself in my room.
After doing the same lame shit all day
everyone has different bed times. I got
8:30. On the outs around 8:30, if I’m home, I’m just chillin once again,
listening to music, smoking and enjoying my alone time. If I’m not home I’m out
doing who knows what with some friends, maybe some fam. Anything but getting
ready for bed at 8:30.
Entry
#1995
Days Can Be Heavy
Locked
up for the holidays.
It’s
okay to feel upset.
Some
of us always have so much to say.
Thinking
tends to make it where we can’t forget.
Days
can be heavy.
Tears
may be shed….
Many
tell of how they may have bled.
Some
of us need music to stay steady.
Most
of us had to live on our own, on our toes always ready.
There
are also the days we all get along.
You
could say we seem like we’d never do any wrong.
Our
differences being set aside only lasts so long.
Being
in here no matter for how long.
Please,
take a moment to understand.
We
can be a raging tsunami,
We
can bring the feeling like the smell after rain.
Our
stories can be beautiful, chaos we’ve managed to contain.
Entry
#1996
Out for the Holidays
Nowadays,
I get to go on the outs for holidays. I got to go out for Thanksgiving. I got
to go see my family and chat it up with them and rough house with them. I got
to joke around, play games, and make food. I got to go to my homeboys and chat
it up with them. This made me feel like I could get through this program.
Entry #1997
My Favorite Holiday
My favorite holiday has always been
Christmas. I like Christmas because you get to spend quality time with your
family: bake cookies and have a fun time. At least that’s how it used to be.
Nowadays I have my juvenile hall family to look forward to. This will be my
second Christmas in this place and many more to come. I may never spend another
holiday with my family, but that’s okay. I will still make the best of every
memory I have in this place because I have to keep the mindset that I may never
leave. If I was home maybe all of my brothers and sisters would be there even
though we don’t have much as far as presents for each other, we had good
memories. Maybe I will get a letter or something. I hope they have the best
Christmas even if I’m not there.
Entry
#1998
Holiday
Imprisonment
My
favorite holidays are Thanksgiving and Christmas. I like Thanksgiving because I
love to make new types of dessert and other food. I love to cook and it’s a
tradition that I will keep forever in my life. I like Christmas because I can
see other people open their gifts and decorate my house in a variety of colors
and shapes. I like to see people celebrate a holiday because they can be happy
and joyful. I will be locked up for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and New
Year’s. I have missed a bunch of holidays here and I still have more to miss.
My traditions are to wake up at 3:00 in the morning, cook a lot of good food
and play games with the people I love and care for. I hope they have a great
holiday time of the year. Love you all and have a great time celebrating
holidays. I want my freedom back so I can have celebrations with the ones I
love and so I can be there for them.
Entry #1999
Gone
I don’t really have a favorite holiday but
if I had one it would probably be Thanksgiving. I am going to be in juvenile
hall during that holiday. My family would be cooking, cleaning, shopping, and
setting stuff up. Usually I’m helping, but I’m going to be in here. I’ve never
been away from my family during a holiday. This would be my first time. I wish
I was out to be with them but I made bad choices so I’m in here. It’s crazy to
think that they can just lock you behind a door but that’s how the world works.
I still get visits but it isn’t the same as when you’re out with your family
having fun. The most crazy part is in here I only think about my friend that
passed. He was my best friend and that’s all that goes through my mind. It’s
crazy to think he’s gone.
Entry
#2000
The Hustle
My
favorite holiday is Christmas. I’ve missed Thanksgiving this year. Last year I
missed Easter. I’ve been locked up and they aren’t ever letting me out. I’ve
missed two summers and I miss my family too. For Christmas, I got presents but
I never had a get together. My favorite holiday memory was being with my mom.
She always hustled to get me what I wanted. Free me out of the box. You know
how it goes.
Entry
#2001
Chasing Money
If
you knew me you would know I’ve been homeless before
you
would know I’ve been loyal
you
would know I am respectful
If
you knew me you would know my parents have been on drugs my whole life
If
you knew me you would know that I like sports
If
you knew me you would know that I have been chasing money
If
you knew me you would know that I have been doing my school
would
know that I’m trying to get a diploma
If
you knew me you would know I like to write raps
If
you knew me you would know that I have not lived with my brothers my whole life
you
would know that I got arrested and went to juvenile
Entry
#2002
Safe Demon
In
here I wake up at six in the morning and get to working out. If I was out I
would wake up around 10 or 11, take a shower, and eat. Then I’d hit up the
homies and go out mobbing, making money, and getting faded.
In
here I get to take warm showers. On the outs I had to take cold showers because
the water heater was always breaking and my mom barely had enough money to pay
the rent and put food on the table. In here I can sleep hella good and I’m not
up all night having to watch my back with a lemon-squeeze all up on my lap.
I
was only like 14 when I saw my cousin get popped up in the chest. This ****
hurts when momma can’t even look into my eyes because she raised a lil’ demon. She’s
always telling me, “Baby boy, you need to stop sinnin.” Nah, but anyway, I’m
low-key proud I’m locked up because my moms can fall asleep knowing her aka
demon is safe up in here.
Entry #2003
All
That Mattered
My
favorite holiday is, for sure, Halloween. It was last month and I was locked up
for it. Yes, I’ll also be locked down for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’ve
missed many holidays which I don’t really mind because I don’t have a stable
enough family to celebrate them with anyways. Last Christmas, I remember being
happy when me and my ex were coming down off perks and I got to watch him and
his two sisters open the stuff their dad bought them. It made me happy to see
them happy. At my “home” we don’t really have traditions or big meals. Mom was
always broke so I didn't really trip off it, but she would always try her best.
That’s all that mattered to me.
Entry #2004
Haunted
House Binge-
My favorite holiday is Halloween,
and unfortunately, I missed Halloween of 2023 because I was stuck here. Last
Halloween, I dressed as Little Red Riding Hood and went to a crappy party with
people that I didn’t like because I thought that I should “try something new”
instead of trick or treating. I was planning on making it up the Halloween that
I spent here by going on a haunted house binge and trick or treating with my
boyfriend. We had matching costumes picked out - I was going to be Red Riding
Hood again and he was going to be the Big Bad Wolf. Good stuff, right? Anyways,
I’ll be spending Christmas and Thanksgiving locked up because I won’t be
getting furloughs until February, but I’m not that bummed about it because my
family hasn’t celebrated either of those holidays in like seven years now.
Halloween was a much greater loss, but you know, we move on.
Entry
#2005
Locked Up
In
the hall we get up at 6, take showers, breakfast at 7:30, and go to school at
8:30. I eat about the same ins and outs. It’s not the best place to be. I’d way
rather be with my family. This is my first time being away from home for this
long. It sucks because my mom is at home all alone and it’s a lot to think
about in my cell.
Lunch
at 12 dinner at 5. At home I can eat whatever and whenever I want. I pray I get
out soon so my mom has company. And I’m going to do whatever I can to change my
ways. I miss my dad a lot. He’s the best role model to look up to. I’m going to
fix everything I’ve done, for my parents and myself, for good. I just hope my
parents and friends are proud of me because I know and everyone else knows I
can be better and I am better than this. I know I can do this.
Out
and In
My day on the outs’ starts off with
waking up and going outside for some fresh air and walking my dog. As for being
in the hall, I wake up staring at four brick walls, staring out a small window
and not getting any fresh air.
On the outs’ there are multiple
choices for food. In the hall you get the same three meals over and over again.
In the hall you deal with a bunch of
little kids arguing over nothing, throwing a fit when they don’t get their way.
Let’s just put it this way - the worst day on the outs’ is still better than
the best day in here.
Entry #2007
I
Can’t Wait
What I miss on the outs is hanging
out with my family. Doing things with my little brothers and my older brothers.
I miss going to see my older brother that's locked up. I really miss my dog. I
know he is sad because I have been gone for three months. He's only 9 months
old. He’s a French Bulldog named “Tank.” I also miss my parrot. His name is
Wally, and he talks and has the mind of a 3rd grader. He’s an African gray
parrot. What I miss the most is my mom and my dog. I can’t wait until I can go
home and hangout with my family and Tank. Also, I miss my friends. I miss
normal food, especially my mom’s homemade food. I really miss my bed. The bed
hurts my back so bad, I hate it. I hate being locked up. I also miss going to
the coast and the beach. I miss walking my dog on the beach. I also miss taking
my dirt bike to the flats and riding it. It’s hella fun. There are a lot of
hill climbs and a lot of trails that lead back to where you started.
Entry
#2008
Locked Up for The Holidays
My
favorite holiday is Christmas. Will I be incarcerated during
Thanksgiving/Christmas? I don’t know. I guess I’ll find out in two days. I
really hope not, but if I am I’ll be pretty upset because I already missed
Halloween and it sucked. I’ve only missed that one holiday and I’m not trying
to miss any other. I’m just trying to do my time, get out, and do better for
myself. For the holidays my sister and my little brother, they are always
around. I used to live with my grandma and that’s where everybody celebrates
Christmas. We all go over, have a good meal, and watch Christmas movies. We
always have mashed potatoes and gravy and some turkey or something like that.
Entry #2009
Holidays
I’ve
been locked up for a while now. I’ve been down for Christmas, Halloween,
birthdays, New Year’s, and Thanksgiving…..basically, all of them. But I am
going to get out for Christmas and New Year’s. The only thing I am upset about
is that I missed my little sister's birthday. But it’s all good. I’ll be home
soon.
Entry #2010
Incarcerated
for Christmas
My favorite holiday is Christmas. I
will be incarcerated for Christmas, and I was for Thanksgiving. I’ve missed a
couple holidays since I’ve been incarcerated and a handful of events.
If I was on the outs I would
probably be hanging around my friend’s house or at my house with my family.
It’s boring here and there’s not a lot to do. If I was home for the next
holiday it would be really nice. We would all celebrate.
