Entry #1806

Mom’s Meth

I was about 12 years old. I had three little sisters and we were living in a two bedroom apartment in a really bad neighborhood. My mom and her boyfriend were heavy into drugs at the time. They would borrow money from me that I would get from my grandparents or steal my things to go and buy more drugs. At the time I believed them when they told me they needed money for food and what not. But it was all a lie. I would barely see my mom. She was always in her room or in the bathroom with my sisters dad shooting up meth. There's one day that especially sticks out in my mind. I was asleep in the room with my three little sisters and my mom was up all night with people in and out. I barely slept. The next morning when I get up I notice my youngest sister wasn't in her bed. I walked out to the living room and find her on the ground, she was having a seizure and wasn't breathing. Her eyes started rolling into the back of her head and her whole body was turning purple. I start screaming for my mom and I had to kick open her door and wake her up. My mom calls an ambulance and luckily it got there quick cause we lived right around the corner from the hospital. My grandparents picked me and my other two sisters up. Later that day I found out the reason my sister started having a seizure was because she picked up a straw she found on the ground and started chewing on it, the straw had meth paraphernalia inside of it. Some lady my mom had over fell asleep on the couch and the straw fell out of her pocket. My mom and her boyfriend got arrested and my grandparents took us in. My little sister got taken to foster care and we didn't get her back for like two years. Luckily she is healthy and everything has gotten a lot better since then, and my mom has been doing a lot better too. I really hope things never get like that again.

Entry #1807

DOWNFALL

My life is a downfall. I would say it's a roller coaster but my life only goes down. I've fallen into a hole. My life for the past three years has been a continuous cycle: Drugs, crime, street life, and incarceration. I started out strong and went down deeper into the grave I've dug myself. I was using meth and slowly committing suicide. I tell people I want my freedom, but I keep coming back and people question me with "Do you really?" These white walls surround me, these blue doors lock me in, into insanity. Voices in my head mock me. My joyous walk with the monster has gotten me nowhere. I became lifeless, careless, and heartless, pushing away everybody who tried to get close. I stopped caring about myself, I only cared about my homies who I thought had my back. I thought they were really down to ride for me. Now as I sit in these pink shirts and blue pants I realize they didn't care about me, they were only there to enjoy watching me destroy myself, and ruin my life. I was their entertainment. I sit here now wondering how I could have messed with death and not even realize it. I was chasing the monster and craving the taste, wanting to feel good, and have no worries. But I wasn't chasing anything good, I was chasing after my own death.

Entry #1808

Happy with Purpose

Before I die I want to know I accomplished something in my life. Want to know I've done the right things in life and don't regret any of it. I want to have kids and watch them grow up to become successful. I would like to have left each one of them something to remember me by. Before I pass away I would like to have given people valuable information for them to use in the future and for them to use it in positive ways. It would be nice to have traveled the world with a beautiful woman. I hope I have many good memories with the people I care for and for my grandma looking down on me to be proud. I wish to have my brothers achieve these goals. I would be happy to say I left this earth happy and lived with a purpose to be here.

Entry #1809

Traveling

One thing I would like to do before I die is try to go to as many countries as I can in the world. The reason why I want to do this is because I’ve never been out of state and because of the few places I’ve been are just beautiful. I can only imagine what else is in the world and I want see it all, all the different cultures, everything.

Entry #1810

Finding My Way

I was knee high to a grasshopper when my parents got divorced. My father was off in the military. My mother was struggling in a small apartment to make ends meet. She was, also, struggling with the disease of addiction. Slowly, but sure surely, our family fell apart by the time I was two. My father wasn’t feeling the love for my mother when they first met, so he left and went his own way.

We were living in Jacksonville, Florida at the time and mom wanted to start fresh, so we packed everything and moved here. She eventually couldn’t handle the responsibilities of being a mother so she lost custody of me when I was two. The court system awarded my grandparents guardianship of me in 2004. After that I rarely got to see my mom and dad because they were both struggling to survive.

As I grew older I started wondering why my parents were not taking care of me, so I asked my grandparents where they were, and why I wasn’t living with my mom or dad. They finally told me after years of wondering that my mom was hooked on drugs and that my dad was in jail. It broke my heart as a young buck because I wanted so desperately to live with my parents. I wanted them to get their heads straight, so we could be a happy family. But happy endings never happen. I had to man up and find my own way in life without my mother and father.

 Entry #1811

Influence

I want to become successful and help take care of my momma and siblings before I die. The things that were normal to me were gang banging and robbing people. These things were natural to me, and I didn’t want to change. Now I realize that those things are wrong and by doing those things, I put myself in a hole. I was just trying to come up. I still am, but in the right way. By doing the things I did, it led me to getting locked and influencing my little brothers and homies to do the same.

Entry #1812

Things I Want to do Before I Die!        

The first thing I would like to do before I die is let my mom know that I am truly sorry for all the stupid things I have put her through. Before I die I would like to forgive myself for all that I put her through. Another thing I would like to do before I die is be married to the love of my life and own my own house and have my own family with two or three kids. I would like to own my own business like a repair shop to repair cars or anything I could weld. I would like to own my own restaurant too because I like to cook.

Another thing I would like to do before I die is race in the Baja 1000. This is something I have always wanted to do. Another thing I would like to do is leave California because I have never been out of the state of California. I would like to go to Texas, Oklahoma, New York or Florida. Before I die, I would like to be successful so I could take a vacation anytime I would like.

I am very determined to do all these things. I am self-motivated. I want to be able to do many things before I die but I may not be able to do any of them if I keep on the path I am on. This path will lead to a bunch of jail time, even a casket or to be alone my whole life. That would be horribly bad and depressing. I would love to be married and have my own family that loves me for me and a family that is there for one another.

Entry #1813

What I Want

I want to be happy.

I want to be free.

I want to be worthy enough for someone to love me in all unconditional ways.

I want society to stop judging people because they choose not to use plastic surgery to fix their flaws.

I want gays to have the ability to do anything they dream to do and not be judged.

I wish no one could be homeless.

I wish everyone had food.

I wish all sickness would go away.

I wish people would be kind to others.

Before my life on earth fades.

Entry #1814  

Before the World Ends

Before I die I want to wrestle a massive gator in Florida.

Before I pass away I want to own a king cobra, white with red eyes.

Before I leave this world I want to cover my body from the neck down with tattoos.

Before I'm exterminated I want to jump out of a plane...skydive.

Before I become extinct I want to take my little brothers on a road trip, just us against the world. Before my soul is harvested I want to teach my baby brother how to fish, hunt and camp.

Before they drag me to hell I want to tell my mom how much I love her, and how sorry I am.

Before the world ends I want to teach my brothers how to be men.

Before I die I want to live my life as eventful as I can.

Entry #1815

It’s a Beautiful Struggle

I’m getting’ ready to burst  

Shine bright like a diamond, while the darkness lurks

I can teach you how to dougie

But you learnin’ how to jerk

It’s a normal thing for me while smoking on dat purp

It’s the homies

It’s the team they gotta free ‘em

Everyday all alone, wishin’ that I see ‘em

Boy, I’m prayin’

Cuz’ you know I gotta get it

Ridin’ with my fam until I get it to the finish

It’s a beautiful struggle

But I grip it by my side

Held him by his head while my homie sat and died

I sat there and I cried as it’s goin’ thru my mind

Every day I’m here, I’m grateful I’m alive

It’s a beautiful struggle

Entry #1816  

Three Things

One thing I really want to do before I die is to ride in a professional BMX competition. I want to do that because BMX is a big part of my life and always will be. The reason I wanna ride in a professional competition is because I'll be able to meet a whole bunch of other riders that I never thought that I would meet. Another thing I want to do is travel all over the world to a whole bunch of different countries. I wanna do this because it has always  been a dream of mine to adventure to places I never thought I would go. The first place I would probably go is Italy because I have a lot of descendants that are from Italy and it would be pretty cool to go and explore there. One of my final hopes would probably be to drive down the autobahn in Germany because there is no speed limits so I could go as fast as I want and not get into trouble doing it. I have been a car fanatic since I was a kid so if I had the chance to be on something like that and be able to drive as fast as I want, you wouldn't have to tell me twice.

Entry #1817

I Know

I’m sorry, mama, but this is the only life I know

Catch a case, beat the case and kick another doe

These ------ want my head so I stay with pole

All these demonz in my head I can’t sleep no mo

I’m sorry, mama, I know you hate this life I chose

I know you don’t approve the things I do

I know you miss the child that you used to know

I know you hear them sirens and you think I’m gone

I know you fear that I won’t make it home

I know you hate the man I’ve become

I’m sorry, mama, but this the only life I know

Catch a case, beat the case and kick another doe

These ------ want my head so I stay with pole

All these demons in my head I can’t sleep no mo

I’m sorry, mama, I know you hate this life I chose

Entry #1818  

Mistakes

I won’t be out to chill in with my homies because I’ll be locked up for a few years. I won't get out til’ I am 21 years old, but when I get out this time I want to do better.  I want to do better for my nephew and for my family because they believe in me and I want to make them proud. I have been locked up 7 times and I want this to be the last. DJJ is no place to be. I wish the court would let me get one last chance so I can prove them wrong and show them that I can do something better with my life, show them that I am not a bad person. Everybody makes mistakes in life. I am just like everyone else. Give me a chance to show them what I can do.

Entry #1819

Locked Up

I’m locked up again

So I’m getting placed farther.

I’m locked up again

And my life is getting harder.

I’m locked up again

I feel out of place

I try to win this race

My mom and my family are telling me to slow my pace.

I’m locked up again

With my whole life ahead of me.

I need to start now

Start a new entry

Leave my past behind

I’m getting legally blind

I’m locked up again

And I’m starting to shut out

Not complying with probation

Or the court’s route.

Entry #1820

Divorce

Divorce, have I dealt with that? I kind of dealt with it and kind of not because when I was a young boy, I had my dad until I was about three or four years old when he was locked up. When he got out of prison he couldn’t come back to California and was deported to Mexico. That’s when he and my mother started to fade away slowly. It really impacted me growing up because I didn’t really get to see my father because he was so far away. I felt I couldn’t get advice from him. It was hard that my mom and dad split because I feel that if he was close to me and here for me, I would have looked at life from a different point of view and would not have been in juvenile hall.