Artwork

Artwork

WRITING EXCHANGE 2006 to 2024

This blog was created to recognize some of the powerful writing being produced by incarcerated youth. Currently, writing is being shared between Shasta and Butte County Juvenile Halls.

2024 Planned Exchanges: March 11; April 10 ; May 22

 

Entry #2011

Make Sense After

So, it’s a new year and we’re already on our second month. It’s crazy. I feel like this year just started a few days ago. Crazy how time flies when your locked up #FREEME. This year I made a few resolutions and my main ones are to lose weight and start working out more, but my big one is to just be a BETTER ME.

Not gonna lie, I wish I could have started this a long time ago but it’s a little hard when you have no one to support you and no resources to help you do it. That’s why I like it in here, because all the staff want me to be better and I feel like it’s the little push I needed to actually want to.

It’s nice because we have groups that help us and I feel like it’s helping me a lot. I feel like I’ve learned a lot already. There’s still a lot I don’t understand, but it’s ok I have a while to figure it out. I heard this quote and it’s that, “FAITH IS BELIEVING BEFORE WHAT WILL ONLY MAKE SENSE AFTER,” and I like it because I feel like it relates to my goal to be a better me. I still don’t really know or understand why I want to, but in the end I feel like it’ll make more sense.

 


Entry #2012

Locked Up

Locked up, is like being

Suffocated.

Suffocation-

feeling trapped and oppressed.

I feel like

I can’t catch my breath.

 

The sensation of being 

overwhelmed-

like a big weight on 

your chest.

I can close my eyes

but I never rest.

 

These walls that close 

me in-

they’re sometimes foe

other times, friend.

Their white bricks offer comfort

Until the desperation

sinks in.

 

Entry #2013

Come to Find Out

Growing up I never lived with my mom or dad; I was in and out of foster homes. I got tired of bouncing back and forth from houses with people I didn’t know, so I ran away from the system. I went and lived with the homies for a few years. When my 14th year hit and I got in contact with my mom and she said “I have to do paperwork to get you back,” but I didn’t really know how I felt about that.

A couple months after she told me that information she got custody of me. I moved back with her when I was 14, about to be 15, not knowing her very well. But come to find out she’s a good parent to have. She might have a bad history but the fact is she got things right to get her kids back.  

 

Entry #2014

Best Year

2024 is   starting good, I should be getting out soon. I want to throw away all of my bad sins I’ve done and start fresh. I’m going to let go of all my bad habits- stealing, fighting, and robbing, which furthered my incarceration. I’m starting by successfully getting out of the Hall and getting off of probation. 

              I’ve been setting some goals for myself, such as being a loyal father and being there for my child. I’m going to change my ways and be with my girl forever. I want to make my family proud and happy with my progress. This is going to be a good year. I’m going to defeat my problems and be successful. I’ve been locked up, but I’ll be out soon. 

 

Entry #2015

Dear Uncle

I wish you could read this but you are not here. When I get out I will burn it to hope my message finds you, because I cannot give it to you. I’m going to tell you something you didn’t know about me before you left us.

What you should know is that when you left, it was hard for me to accept you were gone. It was also hard for the rest of the family too, but mostly mom. When mom drinks, she always talks about you and it is hard to see her cry. I try to help her when she cries. It’s hard for her to handle losing you, because you are her only brother.

I cannot lie: I needed you for a long time. My life changed when you left us. I started getting into trouble to the point where I got locked up for a long time. If you were here, you would have beat the **** out of me if I got locked up for stealing or something.

Like I said, I will burn this message so you can see.

 

Entry #2016

Differences

I hope to create a better person in myself this year and catch up on school, earning my credits for all the time I missed. If I was to have a do-over I wouldn’t have gone out and did what I did. The things I’ll say goodbye to is the alcohol because I can’t control my actions when I’m under the influence. A goal I want in life is to work as a lineman or work for the union and I would make it happen by focusing and working hard. If I was to succeed it would feel good.

My parents are cool. My mom raised me while my dad was on drugs, stealing cars, and doing dumb shit. The difference between my mom and dad is that my mom works hard on her parenting while my dad just does what he does and doesn’t help or anything. Yes, I would parent differently. I don’t want my kids to be like me and do dumb shit and smoke weed and drink alcohol.

My parents aren’t together. They split up when I was 2 or 3 and no, they were never married. I love how my mom works hard and tries as much as she can and tries to get me whatever I want. I wish my dad would just stay out of the way and get a job and not do the drugs.

 


Entry #2017

Changing the Cycle

Sitting at home alone again 

waiting for you to come tuck me in.

I sit in the window, watching the cars drive past

It usually takes a couple hours until I realize

that you have different intentions.

 

It’s as though we don’t know how to talk

because we always scream

You must not have noticed, but that caused 

mental illness.

You posed as good parents 

but between you and me

I don’t think you actually wanted me.

 

Being a good parent is not much work-

it takes a lot of patience and good communication,

love and affection even when you are 

stressing.

 

I must step up and take responsibility 

as I now have a son who’s counting on me

It’s time to change the cycle, though I’m only

sixteen.

 

I will make sure my son feels loved,

protected

and never neglected.

I know you hope that I will not succeed-

but thank you for showing me

who not to be.

 

Entry #2018

Them Fools

This year I hope to finish school, graduate, and get into college, you feel me. A change that would be made is some of the people I used to hang with I’m for surely cutting off: the people that aren’t here for me when I really need them. Like fools can’t even put money on the phone or answer a three-way call. It’s crazy how some girls be sending letters and be putting money on the phone when these so called friends can’t even bother hitting up my mom to see if I’m doing alright. I would be saying good-bye to them fools.

 


Entry #2019

My Parents

All my life my mother has been there for me more than my father has ever been. My mother demands and earns respect and kindness. Having lots of respect for the people around you can help you in the long run in many different ways no matter how you see things in your own eyes. Being negative can affect you and the people around you and drag people down into feeling bad about themselves. My father thinks much differently, he thinks no matter what is said or done it shouldn’t matter much or affect anyone around you in anyway. When I become a parent, I’m going to teach my kids much differently than my mother or my father. I want my kids to be respectful but never be walked on. I’m going to raise my kids much different because of my experiences growing up.  Me and my father are no longer close anymore because of family issues. My favorite thing about my relationship with my mother is the connection and the ability to open up to my mother and tell everything.

 

Entry #2020

The Escape

Sometimes you need to get away from yourself/other people. Most people would listen to music, watch a movie, smoke, talk to someone, get on their phone, etc.  One thing that I’ve learned to do to get away while being locked up is reading.  A lot of people like to read, but most don’t. I was part of the people who didn’t like to read, but I’ve learned that reading can be an escape from everything, especially when people are talking crazy to you.  Once you open up the book you get lost in it and it’s like you are not yourself, and living the life of the main character.

 

Entry #2021

Let Alone Three

My parents weren’t the best in the world. I can even bet you that they wouldn’t be the best at show of “PARENTS OF THE WORST KIND!” They would have needed to be on something like, “TERRIBLE PEOPLE WHO SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD A KID, LET ALONE 3.” My father has been the one I’ve lived with most of my life and to be honest it was great at first. But then we drifted apart which may have been for the best because I would have never been able to become who I am today without my flaws and past history.

Now my mother on the other hand was someone who really was never around. I mean, she tried to be, but she has a lot of her own problems. She can’t really help the fact that she’s crazy or maybe she is just lying about that too. That’s just who she is and how she’s always been. But hey, I still love them more than anything in the world. My momma tried her best with my brothers and myself but she just couldn’t handle us one day and gave up. That, I do kind of blame her for because I just don’t think it should be that easy to let go of someone that you are responsible for bringing to life. I wasn’t raised in the right ways so now I’m struggling in life, and I do believe strongly that if I was raised differently I would be a lot more successful.

My parents haven’t really been together since I was young. My parents were married for a second time, a month after I was born. My dad left my mom for our babysitter, 2 years later after my little brother was born. So, now, they have three kids: my oldest brother, me, and our little brother. Yup, that was us, a stepmom, a dad, and sometimes a mom.

What I have always hated with both of my parents and now my third one, was that no matter what, I was always identified to be the smaller version of my mom. That was a really messed up thing to say, because I know that I would have done so many things differently and not ever would I make the same mistakes that woman did.

 

Entry #2022

Starting Over

I’m 15 years old I’ve been locked up for a couple months. I think I’ll get out in 6 months to a year. When I do I will go live with my aunt and start over. I miss the outs. I hope I don’t get in trouble again. I also hope I succeed in life. At home I live with my mom and two brothers. We also have a Frenchie.

 

Entry #2023

Incorrectly Correct 

To succeed is something I feel is phrased correctly, but incorrectly. I feel it can be said “to succeed” or “to be content”. Both are alike, but to succeed is to read a goal, to be content is to continue succeeding, but to enjoy where you are at life. For myself to view things as a success, I would first have to feel it. Feeling content with the job I may have, is a view of success. Saving and spending reasonably is another thing. To know I can handle things with or without support openly and honestly “want” to do so, is success. Finding the time I spend with work, education, self-care and relations, as well as reasonably and comfortably divided is success. Being able to get through the rough areas, not with ease, but time and patience to continue growing into who I enjoy being, is success. Life can be a lot of things, but being where I enjoy and want to be to grow into who I love being, that is success. 

 

Entry #2024

2024

This new year is 2024. If I can create something I would create a better bond with my family. Or maybe I could create bonds with new people. If I had a do-over/a clean slate, I would create myself to be a better person. I wouldn’t hang out with the same people I do today. Create a life I want before it’s too late. If that was possible I would be saying goodbye to my brothers, my dad…everyone really. The goal I would set for my future self is to make the most out of everything in my life. You may never know when you will lose it. It would look like the best day of my life to know I can accomplish these things.

 


Entry #2025

On a Stage

If I were given a clean slate I would think about my past choices, a lot more specifically, keep my mind on positive things. If that happened I would definitely be on a stage rapping a song that anyone being thrown through the ringer will relate to. Drugs is only one of the things I would say goodbye to, having a choice. I would be getting my whole family into big houses, nice cars, and giving them lots of money. I know that writing and singing/rapping my songs will take me and my family out of current situations such as poverty, unemployment, and hopelessness.

 

Entry #2026

Dad Taught Me Well

What makes a parent is always being there for their kids and giving good advice. Also, by getting them to learn how to make fires, food, and money and how to teach them to work on cars and work hard. My mom was never there for me or my siblings. My dad was there and is still there for us. My dad may have been hard on us boys but we benefited from it because of how hard he made us work. Sure, he beat our *** when we got in trouble. It made us think about our choices and that is how it is sometimes. My dad taught me well other than me choosing to do wrong. Now I have to be somewhat the same with my kids so hopefully they don’t do the same **** I was doing.