Entry #2048
Always Your Daughter
I wish you knew I loved you.
That I needed you.
That I was there.
That I am happy.
I wish you knew that you were my
number one.
That you were my father.
That I forgave you.
I wish you knew I started doing bad
things.
That I was struggling.
That you left me for drugs.
I wish you knew I held you when you
passed,
And that your last couple breaths scared me.
I wish you knew
I will always be your daughter.
Entry #2049
The Drugs Calling
I feel you when I sleep.
When I eat.
When I’m in my cell.
I feel you when I’m awake and thinking about you.
Even worse —
I feel you when I’m reading my book.
Looking at myself in the mirror.
Thinking of him.
I can feel you when I’m talking to
my mom on the hall phone.
I feel you at my worst —
And more when I’m doing good and still wanting you.
I just want to be me again.
I’m missing some steps.
I know I can —
So I’m going to feel the good instead of you.
You are not helping me.
I am not you.
I’m better than you.
And it’s not like me to put myself
above anyone —
Or below anyone —
But this time,
I make my own choice.
Last time, I let you do that.
And it was not good.
Entry #2050
My Letter to You
All the things I never got to say
before you left: The truth is, I wish I could’ve said all of this to you in
person. But I’m stuck behind these walls, and you’re gone. And it breaks me. I
loved you. Maybe I didn’t say it enough, or maybe I didn’t always show it the
right way — but I did. I still do. You were more than just someone I cared
about. You were a light for me in a place that felt dark way too often. You
made me feel like I mattered, like I was seen. I don’t think you even realized
how much you meant to me. What I really want to say is: I’m sorry. You were so
kind. You had the biggest heart. Even after my longest nights, you were always
there for me. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you. I’m sorry for so many
things — for lying, for not keeping it real, for hurting you, for taking your
love for granted, and for not showing up when you needed me the most. If I
could go back, I’d hold your hand. I’d tell you how much I love you. I’d thank
you — for your kindness, your patience, and your love, even when I made it hard
to love me. I wish I could hear your voice just one more time. I wish I had stayed
out — for you. I wish I had listened. But I was hard-headed and let the world
get to me. When I heard you were gone, I broke. Not just because you were gone,
but because I never got to say goodbye. Never got to say all of this. Even
though you can’t hear me like you used to, I still feel you here. And I believe
you’re listening — somewhere in this wild life and world that I’m still in. I
promise I’ll carry your memory with me for the rest of my life. I’ll try to
live better. Do better. For both of us. You deserved the world. I’m so sorry
you didn’t get to see all the good that was coming your way. I miss you. I love
you. I always will. Forever yours.
Entry #2051
My
Location
Before I got locked up, I thought I was living the
life. I had all the money and drugs that I could get. I hung around a group of
people who I could hide my real identity from. I could lie about my age and get
whatever I wanted. I would go from state to state making money and having fun.
Being outside took a lot of dedication. I remember being outside when it was 32
degrees and foggy in the middle of the night and going home with frostbite. I
remember times I got robbed, beaten, and even left for dead.
There came a time when I questioned myself, “Why am I
doing this?!” And yet I still kept doing what I was doing, thinking that I was
living “the life”. I was doing it all wrong and I was just trying to survive
this day-by-day life. All the cars, men, and money weren’t enough. In fact, it
only brought me more problems. More ways to have to learn to survive.
One day, I went with an older man who I knew I should
not be with. One day while I was with
him, he made me take off my clothes and beat me until my face was leaking
blood. Something I had never experienced. I was beyond scared and thought I was
gonna die if I didn’t listen to what he wanted. When daylight hit, he dropped
me off in a shopping center parking lot and left me. I never saw him again.
Alone in the parking lot, I went to a Taco Bell bathroom and threw all my stuff
away that represented that lifestyle. So mad and upset at myself, I made a
promise to never put myself in that situation again. And, if I wanted to
continue that lifestyle, to do it without a man. I was stranded with nowhere to
go. Not even a dollar to my name. My phone battery was so low, I only had
enough time to call my grandma and give her my location. To let her know I was
alive. I was so hungry and thirsty that I was on my way to a Dollar Store to
shoplift.
As I was about to walk into the store, an older lady
stopped me and asked a few questions about oil perfumes she was selling. I
stopped and asked her if she could help me charge my phone and call my grandma
again. I was ashamed and afraid of what I just went through. I didn’t even
think about explaining my situation. The older lady didn’t even think twice
before taking me into her care. She knew I was young and needed help, so she
helped me. She contacted my mom and grandma and made sure I got home safely. I
will never forget her.
When I got home that night, my family was happy to
know I was safe, and that God protected me and safely guided me back home.
This cycle of surviving day-by-day is not the life I
want.
Entry #2052
Mobbin’ Through Memories
You were more than just a friend to me — you were my brother. Blood couldn’t
have made us any closer. I remember us mobbin’ through the streets, getting
high, laughing like we had no worries in the world. You always had my back, no
matter what. And I had yours — at least I thought I did. You told me, “Stay out
the trap, bro.”
When life got heavy — like when I
got kicked out of my mama’s house — you didn’t hesitate. You opened your door
to me, gave me a place to stay. We talked dreams in the dark like there was no
pain. You made me feel like I wasn’t alone in this world. You made me feel safe
when everything else was falling apart. That kind of loyalty, that kind of love
— you gave it without asking for anything in return.
I was lucky to have you. And now I
carry this guilt, because I wish I had shown you the same care, the same
unconditional love you gave me. I wish I could go back and do it better. You
said, “F*** the struggle, long as we got each other.” Now life is harder
without my brother. Like, God, why you had to let my thug die? Now this thug
cries.
I’m sorry. From the bottom of my
heart. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. Forever Fifteen. Long live
you — always and forever. I miss my brother. If I could trade places, I
would... You ain’t deserve what you got.
On my soul, I’ma carry you with me
till the casket drop.
Rest easy, my brother. Forever
Fifteen.
Entry #2053
LOCKED UP
Before they booked me in, I was wild, full of rage
Lost my lil’ bro—now I’m stuck in a cage
Tryna stack bread, get us outta this phase
White boy rappin’ hurt on the page
All this pain, yeah, it sit in my chest
Ion do threats—just handle the rest
Tryna flip struggle into nothin’ but checks
Came from the bottom—now I’m steppin’ with flex
I was raised in the trap, where the nights turn mean
Seen a dope fiend die tryna chase a dream
Seen homies turn ghost—now they live on a screen
Used to roll with the heat in my backpack
Paranoid, thinkin’ one move could snap back
I spit truth, no cap, just flashbacks
Tryna build somethin’ they can't ever backtrack
I ain’t perfect, but I’m solid to the bone
Made it out the dirt—now I’m standin’ on my own
Still hear bro’s voice when I’m chillin’ alone
So I ride with his name deep in my tone
Used to hustle out the crib with the lights turned off
Now I’m grindin’ every day—can’t afford to fall off
Tears dried up, but the pain still soft
I remember cold nights, no heat in the pad
Stomach on empty, I lied to my dad
Ain’t no silver spoon, just a plastic plate
Court dates, street fate—tryna dodge that weight
Got a record and a past that they love to hate
I ain’t fold when they tested my name
Took losses, bounced back—I embraced the flame
Now I’m writin’ my truth, not chasin’ fame
Kept it solid when the rest went fake
Seen bros turn snake over crumbs on a plate
Now it’s ten toes down—I control my fate
Used to bend, now I break through the pressure and weight
Locked up, sittin’ behind bars and gates
Steel-cold bed got me countin' fate
Concrete dreams in a place of hate
Young soul lost, tryna dodge the crate
Judge ain’t care what I had to say.
Entry #2054
Hey Kid,
How are you doing? I know you’ve been having a hard time. Lately, you’ve been feeling confused. You have trouble fitting in with the crowds. You often feel out of place and uncomfortable. I want you to know that what you are feeling is okay—you’ll survive. But there are some things you should remember.
First, it's okay to feel hurt—let
yourself be vulnerable. Second, it’s okay to be sensitive; you don’t always
have to be the tough guy. Third, everyone has issues—you’re not the only one
struggling. Fourth, your mother wants what’s best for you, so just listen.
Fifth, true friends want to see you do well; fake friends will only discourage
you. Sixth, remain humble and remain kind. Seventh, don’t let your anger get
the best of you. Eighth, don’t be scared to ask for help. Ninth, be a role
model for your little brother. Tenth, stay away from drugs and alcohol—they may
seem to help, but they only numb the pain; they don’t heal it.
Eleventh, your father may not be
around, but you have a Father in heaven who is with you every step of the way.
Twelfth, learn to forgive those who wrong you. Thirteenth, own up to your
mistakes, and don’t let guilt or shame keep you from doing what is right.
Fourteenth, you are not meant to be a gang member—God created you with a
greater purpose. Fifteenth, look out for your friends who are struggling; you
never know when they might need someone to lean on. And sixteenth, stay true to
yourself, and give all glory to God.
Good luck, bro. I hope to see you do
great things.
Sincerely,
Yourself
Entry #2055
Moving
On
Was it worth it? Let’s be for real. Was all that shit
we did worth it? I heard you went to prison. That must suck. I heard you’ve
been callin’ my grammy, askin’ ‘bout me. Weird, ‘cause last time I checked you
were talkin’ shit about me over a jail phone. Did your hos quit answering? I
heard you ain’t *******’ with your brother. I wonder what happened. After you
got locked up, I really lost myself. The bottle got me hooked. I ended up in a
hospital because I almost drank myself to death, just because I thought “The
love of my life is gone”. Little did I know, you were talkin’ shit while I was
falling apart. I never got to tell you, but a week after I got locked up, I
miscarried – didn’t even know ‘til it happened. I don’t miss you. I think about
you still, but I sure as hell DO NOT miss you. I hate driving by spots we went
together. It makes my stomach turn. I hate that I still have videos of us
posted, but those will be gone soon. I hate that I have your name on my hip. I
feel branded. I hate how I can’t see myself without seeing the cigarette scars
you put on me. I hope you’re getting’ hell in the pen for ******’ with me.
-A girl you helped break
Entry #2056
Empty
My mind is empty.
Empty is what they want me to be.
The thoughts that defy me are my greatest companions,
my strongest aspects,
my final hope.
I am a damaged soul—
that I know, yes.
But will I let it shape me,
or will I let it shatter me?
That is the real question.
These obstacles shape me into who I am today.
I am the master of my destiny
and the burden of my past.
Maybe one day,
I will awaken.
Entry #2057
Before I Got Locked Up
Before I got locked up, I was always outside in nature and in my yard, hanging
out with the animals. I was listening to my favorite music—country and rap. I
was spending time with friends and family on the outs. Now, I’m locked up,
thinking about my family while I stare at the blank white walls of my cell.
Before I got locked up, I was a free man. Now, I’m not in control of myself
anymore. I messed up a lot. I feel like I’ve already made too many mistakes in
my life. I was happy, but I got into trouble all the time. I had dreams of
becoming a Game Warden, but now I feel like I can’t anymore—like I blew that
chance. Before I got locked up, I felt like I had to change just to fit in, because
I was never really seen as the popular type. At least, that’s how it’s always
been at school. I’m a good young man who just made many mistakes, and now I’m
in Juvenile Hall. Before I got locked up, I would sit on my porch every day and
enjoy breathing in the outside air, looking up at the sky, dreaming about what
my life would be like if I decided to change things around. Now, I’m sitting in
my cell, staring at the blank white walls. I’ve made too many mistakes. I’ve
made too many bad decisions. Now, I’m in the hands of probation.
Entry #2058
Dear __________,
People will never understand why…
Why we chose the addictions we did,
why we had to do the things we did,
why we hung out with the people we used to,
why we drove to the places we did.
I hate the word “did” and the
phrase “used to”—because they emphasize the past with you, and remind me
there won’t be a future with you. Why you passed so quickly will always be a
question that festers inside me every day.
People
won’t ever understand why, every day, you, me, and the group went to that
good-for-nothing—but for us, good-for-at-least-one-thing—“Believe” sign
downtown. People don’t understand why every
New Year’s Eve will no longer be a celebration of what's to come, but a
reminder of that one New Year’s at 12 a.m. on the dot… the moment that made it
hard to even want to see a new day, let alone a whole year without you.
You know, there are a lot of things
that have happened that I’ll never understand. Like when I begged that girl you
loved to take you to the hospital, because I had a gut feeling—just based on
how you looked—that something wasn’t right… and she just ignored me. You would
probably still be here if she had swallowed her pride and listened.
I’ll never understand why my first
reaction wasn’t to give you Narcan, but to give you CPR. That’s the mistake
I’ll never be able to forget for the rest of my life—my biggest regret. Or why
I was able to bring back about fifteen of our friends during that gloomy couple
of months… but I couldn’t bring you back.
When I get out, I’m going to carry
out the promise I made to you in your last breaths—going to that godforsaken
GSR casino parking lot and building your memorial. I wish I was out to do it on
your anniversary.
I’m also going to get clean, no
matter how hard life gets. I made you that promise too—before you passed.
I still remember the first time I
ever met you. You told me you used to wrestle. Then we squared up, and you
suplexed me right on my ass. Me and you… we had more in common than anyone else
in the group. We just clicked. I still haven’t found someone like you in this
world. I don’t know why I keep searching—no one will ever be like you.
I miss you more than words can say.
I love you, bruddur.
I’ll never forget you.
I miss you more than words can say.
I love you, bruddur.
I’ll never forget you.
Entry #2059
Separation
To my sister, I miss you
I'm away from home, that's not your home.
I'm taking the heat, you're running the streets.
I'm locked up, you're locked out.
You break my heart, she keeps you away.
I had to stay, you flew away.
I'll be ok, will you?
Is it true?
Forever
Separated.
Entry #2060
A Letter to My Little Girl
In Memory of Iris (My Dog)
2011–2020
Dear Little Star,
I hope you're doing okay up there. I love you so much. I know you’re probably
upset with me — maybe even disappointed in how things turned out. How is God
treating you? Is heaven everything they say it is?
I think about you every single day,
my love. I picture your deep brown eyes, your pointy ears, and your beautiful,
toothy grin. I miss you more than words can say. Every time I look up at the
stars and imagine you shining back at me, it brings tears to my eyes. My heart
still breaks for you.
If I could change anything, it would
be not getting the chance to say goodbye. That’s the one thing I’ll always
regret.
I love you, my baby girl. Forever
and always.
—Your Boy
Entry #2061
Dear Past Me
I wish I could have told myself all the things I should have done like stay in
school, avoid drugs and other things like that. I wish I could go back and tell
myself not to be gangbanging, fighting and stealing. I really wish I could go
back and tell myself not to do the crimes that got me locked up, or that put me
on probation to begin with. I also would have never treated my family the way I
did, because it hurts me to think about it every day.
Entry #2062
Keeping Busy
The first time I got locked up, I was only about 14 and they didn’t keep me
very long. Maybe a week and then I was let go. Since then I have been back a
few times. I am 17 years old now and my birthday was yesterday. I am hoping I
don’t get sentenced to camp. I know I have seen people in here for bigger
crimes and they got out quick. I just don’t want to be spending time here when
I could be out hanging out with my girl. We are not sure, but she may be
pregnant. Even though we are young, we both are wanting to have kids together.
My dad told me he is getting tired
of seeing me across a table at juvie. He was never locked up. The only person
in my life who spent time locked up was my Uncle. My dad and I get along good,
but I took some of the pills he was prescribed. I don’t even really remember
what happened after that. Apparently, things got physical with my dad and I. He
told me about it during visiting. I don’t really know if I committed half the
crimes I am accused of. I just don’t remember.
If I get out, I am going to start
going to school every day and get a job. I feel like I need to do something
that will keep me out of trouble. Before I got locked up this time, I was just
enrolling in school to keep probation from picking me up. Now though, I feel
like I need to be busy to stay out of trouble.
Entry #2063
Long Lost Lover
Hey, it’s been a while. I’m locked up and haven’t seen you for a minute. The
last time I saw you, we got in trouble together—it was on a furlough. I saw you
at school. I couldn’t help but say “Hi.” We ran everywhere together. Remember
when Mom tried to send me to a meeting? I came right back to you. We had a few
laughs—just by ourselves, with friends, or with people we just met—but at the
end of the day, it was just me and you sitting in the corner.
I miss you. I know I’m going to bump
into you at a store like Winco or a gas station. I haven’t really thought about
what I’m going to say to you, or if I’m going to say anything at all.
At one point, it was just me and you
against the world because no one wanted to hang out with us. They said we
needed help. I don’t think you’re gonna get help. I love you a lot, but Mom
says sometimes you have to love from a distance.
Look, alcohol, I’m sorry—I have to
say this—but goodbye.
Entry #2064
My Ma
I want to thank you for all you’ve done for me and with me.
for building me to be a strong person.
for getting me help and dealing with my stubborn self —
Going above and beyond for me,
Sitting there while I was almost gone in the hospital,
Being there with me every night and day.
Ma, I just want to say thank you for
being my hero
And being there through all my life.
You’re more than I can even imagine.
Believe me — when things went wrong
with Grandad and Grandma,
I saw you.
I love you so much.
Ma, you are every kid’s savior,
I know who I am.
I’m not what I had become.
I thought I lost myself
But no —
I’m me.
Only I can do the right
thing.
Only I can make things better.
Only I can do right for others and with others.
You have taught me everything I
know.
If they say you’re doing it wrong —
they’re lying.
Because you’re the best damn mom I’ve ever met.
Thank you, Ma,
For loving me and loving who I am
No matter what happened.
Entry #2065
Life Is Changing
You're asking me what my life was like before incarceration? It wasn’t all
bad — just a little messy, sometimes complicated. Being locked up felt like
happiness got put on pause. It was part of the story of my past — just me and
my sister. Our mom was either at the slot machines or high out of her mind. I
never understood why her emotions were so all over the place. She always told
me kids had to stay in a kid’s place, no matter what I said or felt. I couldn’t
change her pain or how she thought. Then my sister left because the pressure
got too heavy. I didn’t get it then — but I do now. The truth is, our mom had
to take responsibility. And I knew it wasn’t easy for her to understand me. She
didn’t do everything right — but at least she tried. As for my birth mom, she
was gone before I was even here. People always said she was crazy. And
honestly, sometimes I still believe it. I never expected to get that phone call
— the one that said she wasn’t here anymore. It felt like losing a dream I
never fully had — a lifetime spent imagining the kind of beautiful lady you’d
call “Mom.” The one time we met...
Entry #2066
Dear Someone I Really Love
I miss talking to you, playing cards like we used to, saying "I love you" and "good night" before I’d sleep and dream of you. I still write to you — even if you never see the words — they live in my notebook, waiting for the day I can hand them to you. People say you never loved me. They don’t know how that hurts. But I don’t believe them, because my heart remembers what it felt like when you did. I know you’ve been through hell. I see your pain, and I want to help carry it because I still care. So much. When people talk bad about you, I tell them to stop. You’re not a bad person — just someone who lost their way. And it makes me angry how quick they are to judge when they don’t know your heart. What you did was wrong — I know that. But I also believe in second chances. If you stay away from the things that broke you, you can become who you were meant to be. You are kind. You are sweet. You are amazing. And I miss your curly hair. So cute — why'd you cut it? I hope it grows back. I miss the old days, and I hold on to hope. One day, I’ll hand you all my letters and maybe, just maybe, you’ll feel how real my love still is. Love
Entry #2067
My Rockstar
So, three times running, I still ran back to him — because he made me feel
safe. He was such a good person. He helped people who did him wrong, who got
into fights with him. He was a man of his word. He stood for something. You
best know he meant what he said in every way possible.
I really want to thank you for
everything you did — like when you held me close to your chest when I was cold
in the bathroom at the park, alone, with not a soul around. You risked your
life with me and for me. I know you and I fought so much, but we were
unstoppable — we were like a line of gasoline and a match.
You gave me more than anyone ever
could have imagined. You made me a better person and built me up more than I
had ever been before. You were my everything.
And the day you moved on, I had no
reason but to look at all our good times — like when I went up to your job and
you proposed to me. OMG. I cannot forget all the times you were so happy to see
me, even after we fought. Because I promised you I’d never go anywhere — even
if you passed on.
And look — I’m still here, doing
what I’m supposed to do. In pain every day. But I’m building from that. Because
if I wasn’t, you’d be so disappointed in me. And I never liked you mad or
frustrated with me.
I miss you so much, and I wish you
could hold me. You are still my forever, and I’m still your wife, even though
you aren’t here. But only time can tell.
You probably won’t like it, but I’ll
find someone — never as good as you, not better than you, but good for me.
And I really want to say: I will
always remember what we had and still have in our hearts. You’re not gone as
long as I still remember.
But I’m jealous of the angels who
have you now. Because I was your angel. And I still have you with me every day.
So, always and forever. Not done.
And I love you.
Entry #2068
The Point
People ask me what the point of life is, just because I keep getting back up and
don’t quit. The only answer I can give is this: we love, we internalize, we
mess up, we explode — or we learn, we internalize, we weigh our priorities, and
still explode. I’ve spent so much time looking after others — protecting,
helping, loving. I keep hoping someone will realize that I need someone too.
I’ve always been alone. I’ve picked myself up off the ground, bleeding and
broken, more times than I can count. I did it for the people I care about. But
it never seemed to matter to them. They didn’t care. They never appreciated
that I survived — for them — again and again. It’s like having a serrated blade
stuck in my back every time. Life is blood, sweat, and tears.
BROTHERHOOD
Broken
Reactions
Obstacles
Training
Healing
Emotions
Realizations
Help
Ordinary
Opposing realities
Demons from your past
DESTRUCTION
Dead
Eyes
Selling
Troubles
Refined
Under
Criticism
Trade
Incursions
Obscenities
Neglect
Entry #2069
Before I Got Locked Up
Before I got locked up I was 15, scared and I felt that I had nobody by my
side. I got in a fight with my father when he was very intoxicated. So then my
PO moved me out of my dad’s place and I moved in with my aunt and uncle. I was
depressed and felt like I was worth nothing. So, I started drinking a lot
without a care in the world. What could happen? Then I got in a fight and
violated my probation.
Entry #2070
Wanna Be Blood
Dear Step-Dad,
I miss you a lot. You died in 2023, and I’m not the only one who feels your
absence — Mom and my younger brother miss you too. Only Mom and I truly
understood and accepted you for who you were. I’m not one for big, sappy
letters, but I’ll say this: if the devil came to me right now and said, “Sell
your soul, and I’ll give you one more year with your step-dad,” I’d do it
without hesitation. I’d sign without a second thought, because even though you
were my step-dad, I saw you as my real dad. It’s sad, especially considering
how much you hated my biological father the moment you found out what he’d done
to our family and the people around us. But that’s not what matters most. What
matters is that I love you, and that love is forever.
Love,
Your Step Son
Entry # 2071
Dear Girlfriend
I know things didn’t end well. I got locked up. I know you knew I was going to
get locked up. I shouldn’t have ever drank the Tito’s. All I wanted to do was
hangout with you. I regret everything.
Entry #2072
Under the Bridge
I know you would be really
disappointed to see me in here. After you passed, I went from smoking every
once in a while to doing drugs and drinking every day. After you passed, I went
really downhill. There's so much I would like to tell you, but I can't. I
really miss you and wish you could come back.
After you passed, I would constantly
listen to your favorite song, Zach Bryan’s “Something in The Orange.” I
remember you would always sing your heart out to that song in my living room
while trying to get me to dance. You were like an older brother to me. I miss
your constant jokes, and I miss when we would go down to the bridge and smoke
and have these deep talks. We always talked about how we missed our exes. Under
that bridge was our safe spot where we could go to escape reality.
I remember how happy you were. You
didn’t deserve to die, and I still hold a grudge against the guy driving
because he left you. I know you wouldn't have wanted me to hate him because we
all used to be friends, but I truly hate him with all my heart. He killed my
best friend because he was stupidly driving while drunk, and after he realized
he killed you, he fled the scene.
After you passed, I remember how it
affected everyone. There were so many people at your memorial, and there's a
birthday party for you coming up. I can't believe I'm going to miss it because
I'm here. I miss you so much. Fly high, Bubba!
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