Entry
#2119
Saying Goodbye
I used to think the problems we had were all just in my head, but it was so
much more than that. You were not just a figment of my imagination. I could
feel your presence with me everywhere I went. Every day you were with me. Every
day you were on my mind. I couldn't escape you no matter how hard I tried or
how much I wanted to, you were still there. I sacrificed so much to keep you
around.
I burned so many
bridges that will never be rebuilt because of you. But hey, I can’t just blame
everything on you. Right? I mean, I must have had a part to play in all this. I
chose to keep you around for so long, even after all the destruction you caused
in my life. I continued to ignore all the red flags and warning signs people
around me were telling me. I even let you control my life, my every move, my
every thought, down to my every emotion. Our relationship is like a locked room
that I’m stuck in, the only catch, I have the key.
I remember the
first time we met. I was still just a kid and God knows how naive I was. I was
just looking for the feeling I never had, the feeling of being accepted. When I
met you, I knew that my life was about to change, and not for the better. In
the moment you made me feel happy, powerful, free. I felt like there was
nothing that could bring me down.
Some days I
wouldn't sleep because of you and other days I couldn't even wake up. It didn't
matter what form you came in, I still wanted you, I still needed you. I watched
from a nose bleed seat in my mind, my world around me turn grey and lonely
because of how clouded you made my reality. You took everything from me, my
family, my girlfriend, my close friends, my life, my sanity. But hey, guess
what? I woke up, and I’m happy to say, **** YOU.
You took some of
the best years from me, no more. I can’t have you, I can’t live with you and
for the first time in my life, I’m ok with that. Now I know in order to help
me, I have to leave you. I have to say goodbye. It was fun while it lasted, man
was it fun. The endless nights stuck in a state of euphoria, feeling like the
world was ours. The people I met and the places you took me. Goodbye to it all.
Finally, I am truly free. Without you, I am forever free. You will be
remembered but never missed.
To, my hate
filled addictions…
Entry
#2120
Where the Shadows Sleep
I learned early how to make myself small,
How to fold into corners, hide in plain hall.
The walls remember the voices, the shouts,
The nights I counted tears instead of clouds.
Mom drifted far
in a haze I couldn’t name,
Chasing ghosts I could never tame.
I watched her fade, a shadow in the night,
While I carried the weight of trying to make it right.
I whispered
apologies for things I never did,
Carried guilt like a stone in my chest I hid.
But listen — I am still here.
I survived the chaos, the fear.
The mirror shows
a face once cracked,
But now it stares back, intact.
Every scar tells a story, loud and clear,
On nights I fought monsters no one else could hear.
The past hums,
its echo deep,
But I am the voice that woke me from sleep.
I rise from the shadows, piece by piece,
Learning that survival is a kind of peace.
Even broken homes
can leave their mark,
But even shattered hearts can spark.
I am enough — my own release,
Where shadows sleep, I find my peace.
Entry
#2121
My Story
Being locked up runs in my family. Left and right, I saw my father in and out
of jail and on drugs. After a while, you start to go in that direction. I
started to see I was going down the same path. It was hard at first to accept
that I was a **** up, but now I've been locked up for 3 months, doing an
8-to-9-month term, I realize now that I want to be a better person and do good.
Sitting in my
cell staring at these concrete walls, I realize I’m not just hurting myself.
I'm hurting the people around me. I put my mom in some messed up situations.
But I just want her to know I'm a good person at heart.
Entry
#2122
A Person with Love
Do they know that I am more than a headline? I hear a lot of words get thrown
around—monster, menace, gangbanger…will they ever know that I hurt? Mourning
for forgiveness of people that will only ever know one side of a story. The
code of silence, but silence is all I hear now.
Do the people
that see my mug shot on the news know that I’m a son, a big brother, a little
brother, an uncle, a cousin, a grandbaby, a person with love. No, love dies out
when you’re leaning towards 50 to life, knowing that the only person to save
you is the very person that’s against you. I’ve pretty much been alone for the
most part. Sentencing day came around and it turns out the only person that
showed up for me was myself. But that’s okay, because I know deep down that I
am a good person.
I also know that
the life I lived may not have been the best, but I have learned enough from the
experiences that I have been through that I can survive any situation.
Determination is only possible if the steps to success are visible. And a
person that stands alone is only really alone if they chose to be. The only
thing I want people to know about me from now on is how that boy became a man.
Entry
#2123
Goodbye My Love
I remember the first day I met you.
I remember our first kiss.
I remember your smile and how you would get excited over certain things you
liked. But more importantly, I remember what the drugs did to you. That pretty
little smile turned into a frown when you didn’t have what you needed. The
excitement you had turned into anger towards me when I had done nothing wrong.
Maybe you acted
that way because I wasn't like you. I liked action figures, you liked pipes and
cheap thrills, and I loved you no matter your addiction problems, so I joined
you. Instead of buying a $10 action figure, I bought a $10 bag of drugs just so
you would love me. Maybe I should have left sooner, but your smile and
excitement when I bought what you needed made me stay. I wasn’t addicted to the
drugs we were on; I was addicted to your love. I think about you every day and
your pretty smile, and it crushes my heart to know you're not the pretty girl I
once knew. I know I have to overcome this and do better. I will always love you
forever and always.
Entry #2124
Failure
Failure is the only opportunity to begin again, but this time, more wisely…
Entry
#2125
Emotionally Desperate
There comes a time when I question the things I do and why. It has to deal with
past trauma and some awful experiences. People wonder why I do the things I do
and say the things I say, and well, most of it likely leads back to my trauma
as a kid. Trauma has brought me down, forced me to be emotionally desperate,
and led me down a wrong road in life. My family has been worried about me
because of the way that I grew up, and I would totally agree that I need help.
The reason that
I'm in here isn’t just because of my charge, but it has to do with the fact
that I saw my life going down a road that I didn’t want to go down. Right,
there comes a point where I have had enough of things, and now, I just wish
that things would go back to normal. But let's be real, there is no such thing
as “perfect,” right? I am so caught up in my little world that I don't know the
full potential that things in this world have to offer. I got so caught up in
everyone's ****, that I didn’t realize my mistakes.
Now, I’m locked
up for a year, and if they keep me in here my total time will be a year and a
half, and it sucks to be in a facility for that long. I see kids come and go,
in and out all of the time, and it feels unfair, but it is something that I
have to deal with because I committed a crime that was not ok.
This is my one
and only time where I have ever been incarcerated. My dad has been incarcerated
so many times it's not even funny, and I surely don’t want that life. Once I’m
out, I plan on never coming back.
Entry
#2126
The Big Girl
I was taught to be the ‘big girl’, sit there and handle things that come my way
like a big girl would…but I was 5, I should’ve been protected, the little girl
who should’ve dreaded the dark and what lies throughout it…instead, I waited
all day for the light to disappear so I could take off the big girl makeup…stop
playing dress-up and let the little girl out of the shadows. Then I grew up,
and as I grew up I felt the need to stay the big girl, kinda handle things for
everyone—if I’m not the big girl, who is?
And if I stopped
for a moment, just a second, the little girl would creep out of me like secrets
trying to escape into rumors. If I slowed down I wouldn’t be the big girl I was
supposed to be, the face I put on for mother’s approval that never once was
given…no matter how much I tried, or for daddy who needed a big girl…without a big
girl, no one showed him the love he so desperately needed so I was the big girl
for him, even though a little girl shouldn’t have to be that big! They told me
to grow up…so I lost the little girl inside of me. I looked for her but she
only found peace in *******…now gone forever, I’m the big girl.
Entry
#2127
Not What I Do
I remember being a little good kid, a lover, giving and all the good stuff. I
used to live with my mom and step dad and my brothers. We used to all be a
family doing all the normal family stuff like going to school, eating dinner
together, and playing sports. But stuff changed, dad and mom split up. I
stopped trying in school, and started fights and not doing my homework. Then
mom sent me to go live with my granny and that's when stuff got real.
I started smoking
some za, drinking, and running away from home to hit the block up and do some
crucial stuff. It runs in the blood. All of my uncles and brothers have been
thuggin too. My brother’s a thug to all of them and he’s about to have a kid so
I don't want him to be doing all this stuff. Actually I don’t want any of my
brothers involved. I feel like a piece of **** with my little brother trying to
be a thug. My dad told me up on the phone he found pole in his bag. I know my
lil bro thinks this life is cool, but I’ve been telling him it ain’t. This is
how my big brothers probably felt about me. So, I’m trying to do good in front
of them.
Entry
#2128
Pathway to Hell (Incarceration)
Here it can be cruel. They want everyone else to fall apart, they want
them to break down and cry. Well guess what? That’s not going to happen
anymore. Not to me anyways. I started taking college classes here in the hall
and for the first time in a really long time, I feel happy. I feel like I can
do anything that I set my mind to, and since I have the skills that I so
desperately needed, I am doing way better than the way that I was on the outs.
The things that I
have done don’t determine what kind of individual I’ve become. My behavior, my
actions, my stability, my workmanship, and general understanding has gotten me
so far here in the hall. I can’t wait for the time that they say that I can go
home. My last court date, they said that since my behavior has dramatically
changed, they are thinking about letting me out 6 months early. But thanks to
the DA, they said that they might end up keeping me here for another 6 months
since my charge is really severe.
I shouldn’t have
done the crime to begin with, but nobody is perfect, and we all make mistakes.
My parents aren't proud of me, but that's ok, neither am I. I feel so guilty.
I’m now doing way better than the old days. I feel like I am more able to
understand that not only did I really hurt my victim, but I hurt his family
emotionally. There comes a point that after being bullied and not being able to
do really anything to protect myself, I kind of exploded. I’m not cool for
doing that and I wish that I thought of other options. Being incarcerated has
helped me out in so many ways. I’ve been able to regulate my emotions, but
protect my feelings at the same time.
I question the
things that I do and why. But I have figured out why. It's not just because of
the people I hung out with, but it has to do with the fact that the way that I
grew up wasn’t ok in any manor, living in a rundown trailer for so many years
with very little food or running water. It was hard for me. Very hard actually.
My crime… maybe it was the fact that I was tired of him? Or the fact that he
bullied me for so long? No matter what I did to feel safe, I needed support and
guidance and I was getting very little.
No kid at the age
of 5 to 13 shouldn’t have to deal with neglect because their parents are on
substances. Still, I’ve realized my parents tried their damn best to give me
the life they wish they had in the form of a younger them. I was always running
the streets, going to the skate park to hang out with my friends, going to the
gas station to get a Coca-Cola and going to the gazebo. I find my life hard
because I was and still am constantly getting in trouble with my parents and
now, I am in trouble with the law, incarcerated. My life was hard, and I say,
“you're the dumbass, cause now look where you’ve ended up,” and my thoughts are
like,
“Well ok, maybe I did make a mistake, and now, I pay for the crime that I
committed.”
Lately I find
myself very optimistic, but the crime that I committed, and the way that I have
been acting lately says otherwise. I just hope that I can repay everyone back
for the mistakes that I made, and make my life better than it was when I came
in.
Entry #2129
Deteriorate
I’ve always had a fascination with death, for some reason I never grew fear — honestly, I grew interest. From little girl to big, I liked the thought of never dealing with pain, never having to hear the evil things my twisted mind had to think, up until one day — that one day I realized my mind was not alone, others were sick… sick enough to leave me behind, rotting, my smile left, gone in the dust… and their words deteriorate in my brain. Loved ones die, taking their own lives, and what’s stuck in my ****** up mind? His body is left on the ground, where his beautiful face once held all of my love… even my sweet, serene prince is in the ground, and what does he do? Deteriorate. Now I fear, fear a lot. Death is scary and cold, but I think it’s safe, for it’s the one that holds my love, welcoming with open arms as I carry on in this world with pain and my sick, messed up brain. So when Guadalupe tells me it’s my time, then I know I can be with my beautiful boy, ready to deteriorate and be one with this damaged world.
Entry
#2130
Dear Sister
Hey Babygirl, sissy misses you so much. I'm sorry that I keep going down this
path, I know you're disappointed in me and I know I keep breaking my promises.
This time while I'm here I'm going to really try to get better so I can come
home to you and Bubba. When you called me right before I got arrested, you were
crying because I'm turning out like dad with his alcohol and drug addiction.
That really broke my heart. You shouldn't even know what alcohol and drugs are.
You're growing up so fast already and it hurts that I'm not there to see you
and Bubba grow up because I'm always locked up. Your mom told me that you're
doing good in cheer, and Babygirl I'm so proud of you. You remind me a lot of
myself when I was younger and I just want you to be the best version of
yourself and be the person I never got to be. I made a lot of mistakes and I
continue to make them, but you and Bubba are the reason that I want to be
better. You guys have been here for me throughout this whole time when the rest
of the family gave up on me, You guys believe that I can do better, so I
believe it too. I know our childhood wasn't the best, but I'm happy you guys have
your mom. Anyway, I love you so much Princess.
Entry
#2131
Crack, Mom, Girls and Ben
I used to wake up in the morning and wondered where my momma was at. I
tried figuring out why she left me and my family. Now that I’m older, I know it
was for the crank and crack. Growing up I wondered why I was so damn brain
dead. I figured out I’m a damn crack baby. Hearing that sucked but it never
stopped me from completing my goals in life. Now I don't even trip about not
having a mother. That ***** too overrated. I don't even think about her
anymore. All I think about is fine females and that green paper with Benjamin
Franklin on it.
Entry
#2132
My Mask
I have a mask
That had one task
To spread chaos while lost
But when my task was complete
The race I thought I won, I had lost
I was tossed
So, then I tossed
Mask to see what I'll become
That was my first step to success
Goodbye, that's the rest
Entry
#2133
FEAR!
After being abandoned by my dad, my mom was pushed off a 2-story balcony while
she was pregnant with me. I still don't know if I have brain damage or not, but
I might as well go day by day with the way I am. People call me slow, but
that's ok, it doesn't matter what other people think about me, it only matters
what I think about myself. I got locked up for a violation of probation after
my little sister passed. I went so downhill to a point I wanted to die, but I'm
better now. I got the help I need so I can keep going with a better life.
Entry
#2134
Not Knowing
Dear mom, I’ve gotta ask something? Was it worth it leaving me all alone? I
mean I had granny, but sometimes I think how life would be with a mom and dad,
you feel me? Like it's hard not knowing pops and to have no mother to help. I
mean it sucks and I think about it all the time. I mean I get everything
happens for a reason, but sometimes I wonder why did it happen this way? I just
remember the first time she tried to see me was in juvie in visiting. To be
honest so many feelings came through my head, a lot to be honest: hate and
sadness. It broke me. All I ever wanted to know is who my dad was. It sucks not
knowing.
Entry
#2135
Me
My name is pain.
I was born in group homes.
I was raised in foster homes.
My family includes the number 0.
My favorite activities include sports and music.
My music includes rap, as well as artists like Katy Perry, Ariana Grande, and
Post Malone.
And I don't care what people think of me, and I am really great at pushing
people away.
People prefer not to see the pain that goes on inside of me every day. They
don’t understand what it’s like to lose people and never get to say goodbye, to
have no one to turn to, no one to talk to, run to, what it’s like to be scared
to be who you are.
The crowds of people in my life that circle in and out don’t want to see me for
the broken, run-down, hated, unwanted, unloved, and as my love’s favorite song
says:
“She can barely see the pavement, she can barely read the signs
People think she's complicated but never wanna look inside
'Cause she's a little too R-rated and they're a little too damn blind
She's just looking for her angels, but they're a little hard to find”
And it’s true. I can barely see where I’m going in life. I can barely read
what’s in front of my face every day of my ****ed up life. People think I’m
complicated, creepy, weird, and never seem to have enough in them to see past
my mask of nonchalance. People aren’t blind; they just prefer to stay in their
own comfortable square. I’ve been looking for MY angels, but I guess they’re
just non-existent. Sometimes I just sit in my cell and let my extreme mental
agony take over for a little while. I sit on my bed surrounded by the ghosts of
people who ridicule me, hate me, treat me like ****. All the kids treat me like
canaille, and I often consider committing suicide, not because I want to be
dead, but because I want a little bit of peace, with no bullying from anyone, no
pain, and no hate.
On an ending note, my advice to those of us out there like me, just stay
strong, continue to wake up every morning, struggle through the next day, stay
positive, chill, and continue to be polite to everyone, and hopefully you will
find what you need in life. Don’t do drugs, don’t get locked up, and stay cool.
Entry
#2136
When You’re Away
It’s been two years since we talked. I felt betrayed that night at the
party. You left me in the dust and made me find a ride, super drunk. After all
the alcohol I got you that day. I told you that’s the last time I'd talk to you
ever again. I stick to what I say. After everything, life feels better without
you in it. I feel better knowing I’m not going to get used by you. I constantly
did what you asked, risking my freedom just to feel like a good little brother.
I have so much to say, but I'm not trying to be rude about everything I have on
my mind. I moved on, I feel better about myself when you’re away.
Entry
#2137
As Quiet as a Shadow
I move through the world like a waking shadow who has no purpose.
I walk like a panther on the hunt.
I walk among the crowds as a dead man walking.
I move through the streets as quiet as a will-o’-the-wisp.
I walk among you listening like a wolf hunting for prey.
I am among you, you just won’t know for I am as quiet as a shadow…
Entry
#2138
Letter to the Streets
I am someone who comes from a life of crimes and poverty. When I was 8 years
old I saw someone get shot and killed just a couple blocks away from my
apartments. When I saw that body drop I felt something I never felt before —
adrenaline. After that I started getting more into gang life. At the age of 12
my older homie handed me a glock and told me to keep it on me at all times. I
started walking around town feeling like I was Superman, but I was just a kid
that was confused. I thought my older homies were role models, but they would
just use me to sell coke and weed. I didn't realize that till I was 14, in
juvenile hall for a firearm.
Entry
#2139
What Really Happened
People don't know about my charge in here because I'm ashamed about it, and it
is not true, but on the outs, everybody in my hometown does attempt murder.
Ain’t no joke, but it's only semi-true. It should not have been that, but only
is due to a false witness, but that isn’t who I really am or what really
happened. I won’t deny that I made some wrong choices, carrying a heater, but
that was for my safety. Nobody asked me how I was doing, just what I was doing,
and it was always making that easy and fast money, but if they asked me if I
was good, it was always a yeah, because that's what they asked. But if they
were to ask me on a deeper level, it would be I’m really not good, and I want
to change and do good and get off the streets. But everyone I was around didn’t
care because they were in the streets themselves, and I never brought it up
because they wouldn’t want to hear it. I never tried to change by myself
because I couldn’t or wouldn’t do it alone when everyone else was still in it,
and that led me here and every day. I think about how everybody’s viewing me
now when they don’t know the true story and what really happened that night,
but it's alright, I know the truth and know I’m not how they're trying to label
me and when I go home I’m going to prove that and get off the streets and
change my ways in life to prove everybody wrong.
Entry #2140
Changing
My whole life I have been looked at as a bad kid. I've been viewed as someone who can't do good. I was 13 the first time I got locked up and I've been locked up about 4 or 5 times since. Now I'm doing a lengthy stay. When I get out I'll be 4 months away from 18 and if I get in trouble after that I'll probably end up being sentenced as an adult. I want to be able to prove that I can do good to those who always looked at me as a bad person and someone who can't do anything with their life. Not only to prove it to them, but to prove it to myself too. And I'm tired not being able to do things on my time, having to eat when the food is brought, shower every morning at the same time, not being able to go outside when I want, and not being able to walk out of my own room when I want. I've always said I've hated being home and having to listen to my dad, but this place made me just want to go home and just do what I'm told and go to school and graduate.
Entry
#2141
Write Your Truth!
Willing to change!
Realizing my mistakes!
Inconsiderate of others!
Trying to understand!
Everybody is distant!
“You will always go back”!
Out of options!
Understanding my purpose!
Remembering my past!
Trying to forget!
Realizing my trauma!
Utilizing my options!
Trying to change!
Having commitment!
