Entry #2021
No Hate in My Heart
If you really knew me, you’d know I wasn’t always a menace.
You’d know the things I’ve done were only to protect myself.
If you really knew me, you’d know why I’m here.
You’d understand.
You’d know what it feels like to be
broken and abandoned.
You’d know my life has been shaped by violence.
You’d know there’s more to us—these kids in the streets—than just rebellion.
If you really knew me, you’d know I
never meant to spread harm.
You’d know I have no hate in my heart.
You’d know I’ve been loyal from the very start.
You’d know that, against the odds,
I’ve stayed in one piece.
You’d know I didn’t choose this—I was born into these streets.
If you really knew me, you’d see the
good I’m capable of.
You’d know I’ve made mistakes—like any other human being.
If you really knew me, you’d know
I’m more than the man who pulled the trigger.’
If you knew me, you would know…
Entry #2022
Only If You Knew
If you really knew me, you’d know that I’m tired.
You’d know there’s a lot going on for me.
You’d know I grew up too early.
If you really knew me, you’d know that no matter how many times I try,
I still can’t figure this growing-up thing out.
If you knew me, you’d know the only
room I’ve ever had to myself was a cell.
You’d know that gangbanging and drinking were the only ways I ever felt safe.
When it’s time to slide, you’re either going or you’re not.
If you really knew me, you’d know I
didn’t have a childhood.
You’d know being the “man of the house” didn’t come with a permission slip.
You’d know that having parents was a privilege—one that could be taken away.
If you really knew me, deep down,
You’d know I throw up a wall with everyone I meet
Because betrayal is too deep to conquer.
If you really knew me,
You’d know my future hangs in the hands of people who don’t even know me.
But if you really knew me,
You’d know I’m starting to like it here.
Entry #2023
Mamma
She was too young.
It was me and her against all odds.
Then, she’d leave for a while and randomly show up.
Her inconsistency doesn’t get to me like it used to before.
That’s a lie –
I miss my mamma.
I’m not sure who she is now.
She relies on her baby-daddy like he’s a God.
I wish she could wake up from this trance he’s got her in.
She doesn’t answer my calls or visit
even though I’m in her city now.
Maybe she’s protecting herself?
I get that.
My mamma taught me, just because
we’re blood, don’t mean shit.
How are you going to be my mom and not protect me?
Nah, it’s OK –
I love my mamma, but she’s her own
person. If she’s struggling, that don’t mean I have to.
I’m not my mom. So, let me give myself some grace, and stop actin’ like it.
Entry #2024
Behind the "Bad Stuff"
If you really knew me, you would know this isn't who I am behind all the “bad
stuff.”
You would know I'm just trying to escape from reality — to get away from my
trauma and my past life. I'm trying to change, but I'm just falling harder and
further down. It’s a never-ending cycle that I have to break before I can’t
anymore, before I completely mess up my life.
I'm not like this. I’m a loving
person with a good heart — a good daughter, student, friend, and sister. But I've
fallen into a realm that consumes the good in me. I need something to keep me
up and going, but right now that's the adrenaline rush. And I don't get the
rush I want from little things anymore. I keep going further and farther to
chase the feeling, but in the end, that's not good at all.
It's making my everyday life harder
because now people don't trust me. They don't look at me the same. Some see me
as a failure, as someone who's not going anywhere in life. I want to prove them
all wrong. But if I keep doing what I'm doing, I don't know if there's a chance
left for me.
This isn’t supposed to be where I
am. I had plans to go somewhere in life, but I'm making it harder for myself —
even though I don't really mean to. I'm just trying to get by and live life to
the fullest, but that looks different for everyone. Right now, it’s not looking
good for me or my future.
I want to get better. I just don't
know how.
But if you really knew me, you would know this.
Entry #2025
I Don’t Think I Can
If you really knew me you would know all the pain I hold inside
You would know the feelings I try and hide
You would know why people never look me in the eye
If you really knew me you would know why I truly want to die
You would know no matter how hard I try, I can't get right
You would know the addictions I battle and fight
You would know the demons keeping me up at night
If you really knew me you would know
why I lost track of time
You would know why when people ask how I am I just say, “fine”
You would know why my emotions switch on a dime
If you really knew me you would know how it feels to be left behind…
If you really knew me you would know
why I run this fucked up race
You would know the feeling and burn of emotional mace
You would know all the overwhelming wars I fight and face
If you really knew me you would know why I overdose and still come back the
same
You would know how it feels to die and survive unchanged
You would know why I have a love/hate relationship with all the drugs I take
If you really knew me you would know
how it feels to see all your love wither and go away
You would know and understand a raging heart full of hate
You would know a life with no color, just black and grey
If you really knew me you would know why I waver in my faith and shake…
If you really knew me you would know
why I am the way I am
You would know why I give up and repeat in my head “I don't think I can”
You would know why I hurt others and never gave a damn
If you really knew me you would know the hurt of the falls I take every time I
try and stand…
If you really knew me you would know
the sound of your momma telling you go away
You would know the insanity of drowning yourself in whiskey just to quiet your
brain
You would know the brink of popping one more pill till you lose your mind and
go insane
If you really knew me you would know why I couldn't remain sober for more than
one day
You would know the constant lies I
tell myself like I’m alright and I’m ok
You would know why I smoke myself out with cigarettes and put on a fake face
You would know that bitter feeling and you would know that bitter taste
If you really knew me you would know why I tie this noose around my neck and
the want to hang
If you really knew me you would know
why every day I beg the Lord to take me home
You would know why even with friends or family around I still feel alone
You would know sitting in a cell counting bricks waiting to make a call on that
one phone
If you really knew me you would know why I speak with a certain tone
You would know the devil's screams
and his moans
You would know the anxious feeling every time you stepped out of your comfort
zone
If you really knew me you would know the blinding hospital lights that seem
whiter than snow…
If you really knew me you would know
the immense drug and alcohol toll
You would know that guiltiness that I feel because all the lives I’ve screwed
and happiness I’ve stole
You would know how it feels to have anger and hate take over your soul
You would know that life’s pain seems so sharp and the excitement seems so dull
If you really knew me you would know the true reason I smoke and why I roll…
Entry #2026
Illegal Way
Parents, for me, is a loaded topic. Because even though I lived with them,
they were not mentally there. I barely had food on the table or power at home.
I always had to go to my friend's pad. My parents were usually high on some
kind of drugs. Since I was born, my world has been running the streets, gang
banging, and taking care of myself, so I have always had to act like a young
adult. I have always had to take care of my siblings. A lot of the time, I was
homeless or living motel to motel with my mom and sister. After my dad went to
pri
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son, I had to take care of my mom and not go to school. My mom has always taught me how to do things the illegal way. She also wants me to be good at what I do or make it worth it. The person my parents had taught me to be was a thug. They never taught me how to do things or survive the right way. But they have always taught me to be respectful to women and to keep to myself unless I have a reason not to be. It has affected me and my siblings because CPS took my little brother away from us, and my big sister was never home. This has been my life for the last 17 years.
Entry #2027
Everything and Nothing
I remember playing with dolls
I remember playing with drugs
I remember being at home
I remember begging my grandma to let me come home
I remember being happy
I remember the pain
I remember waking up at home
I remember waking up in a cell
I remember being a sweet girl
I remember being angry all the time
I remember drinking for the first time
I remember drinking every day
I remember hanging out with my bf
I remember getting locked up cus he was there
I remember everything
And I remember waking up remembering nothing
I remember running away
I remember running from the cops
I remember I wanted love
I remember when a boy loved me
I remember going crazy over him
Entry #2028
Is This Love?
I thought about you today. I thought about you yesterday. I thought about
how bad I need you and how bad I want you. I can’t seem to think or function
without you. I know you don’t feel the same. I know you don’t want or need me.
There was a time when I felt that way about you. When I didn’t care about you,
didn’t want you around constantly. There was a time when I was able to live
happily without you. But that was a long time ago. Maybe not as long as it
seems, but still a long time ago.
Now I wake up and you’re there, on the table, waiting. You’re in my pocket when
I need you. You’re everywhere: in the car, in my head, at her house and even at
his house. Every once in a while, I try to leave you, but it never works. Every
once in a while, the thought of you disappoints me. I ask myself why do I need
you? Why do I want you? Do I actually love you and how you make me feel? Do you
really make me feel better? A part of me knows all the answers to those
questions, but my desire to use you and forget is stronger. I thought about you
today, I thought about you yesterday, and I’ll think about you tomorrow--my
lovely addiction.
Entry #2029
Can’t Sleep
School started last week,
I’ve been in my feelings, tryin' not to weep.
I miss my Momma — can’t even get no sleep.
I’ve been in my cell, while my brother’s in his sleep.
I hope he’s dreamin’ ‘bout the memories we used to keep.
I’m all alone in these lonely streets,
Thinkin’ about the ways I could creep.
Like —
“Ay, brother, ‘member when we was little?
Up all night, we ain’t get no sleep.”
Just you and me on the Xbox,
Hella fresh, just thinkin’ green.
Now we all grown… drinkin’ lean.
We was little and stupid,
Thinkin’ we part of a team.
Entry #2030
Brotha Luv
Look, I miss my brother and the way we used to kick back. All this time I’ve
spent locked up, I can’t get that back. He told me to hit that wood, but I’m
sober now — I can’t hit that. I remember when he used to bully me — and crazy
as it sounds, I miss that too. I wish I could rewind. R.I.P. to all the
brothers out there, because I’m really missin’ mine. Long live my brother up in
the sunshine. Lately, I’ve been thinking about giving up on that gang time. I
can’t stand seeing the pain in my mama’s eyes. I miss my little brother. I’m
done playing with loaded 9’s. I put my trust in my “homies,” and when I turned
my back — I got slimed. When we were little, me and my brother were out here
making rhymes. Now I’m sitting behind bricks, doing time, wishing I hadn’t done
that stupid stuff that got me caught up in a crime. I’m spilling my heart out
to my brother on the phone, thuggin’ on this lonely road. Long live my brother
— I’ll forever be missin’ mine. When I heard he died, man, this life ain’t
easy. And now I can’t even be there when my brothers need me.
Entry #2031
Complicated
If you really knew me, you’d know I’ve got a lot going on in my mind.
You’d know I’m a good young man.
I’m good at holding in the things that hurt—things that have happened to me.
If you really knew me, you’d know I try to help people and put them before
myself.
You’d know I’m built from pain.
You’d know I’m complicated—and sometimes I don’t even know who I am.
You’d know I can be your loyal homie or your worst enemy.
If you really knew me, you’d know I can lose control sometimes.
You’d know I’m going through it every single day.
Entry #2032
Two Years
You know that feeling when you’re all alone and nobody’s there for you? That’s
how I felt when I was in the discipline unit for fighting. But I guess that’s
part of the life I signed up for.
I should be moving to the other program soon. I’m getting a
better deal here than in the other county I was placed in. Here, I’m looking at
two years. Over there, it would have been three to four. There’s still a chance
I could get out, but if not, I’m going to be there for two years.
I miss the other hall. I was eating good over there. Here,
it’s alright, but I’m tapped in with the staff, so sometimes I get extra trays
and stuff. I just got my tablet back after losing it for five days. I also had
phone restrictions for five days.
I hope everyone in the other county is doing good. And to my
favorite teacher — I miss your classroom and playing volleyball with you. One
day, we’re going to go get tattoos like we talked about.
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Entry #2033
Living Lavish
(Livin' right x2)
But it wasn’t always that way.
Life is hard — had to make a big change.
I was a kid in the field,
Tryna numb the pain,
I was a youngin' tryna run a play.
(Thug it out x2)
That was running in my brain,
Never felt the same.
Y’all like to switch it up,
But this life ain’t no game.
One decision — everything gon' change.
(I just wanna rewind,
Go back in time,
Before it slime x2)
(Livin' right x2)
But it wasn’t always this way.
Life is hard — had to make a big change.
One lesson —
I wish it wasn’t that way.
Being in that cell,
Realizing you did it.
Tryna stop sinning
When you know nobody listening. (x2)
Being alone,
With no one to call home.
Tryna see the world
Through a peephole.
Seeing pieces and pieces
But can’t connect them —
That been my hardest life lesson. (x2)
It still got me guessing,
A youngin' don’t know why
Y’all tryin' to test him.
(Livin' right x2)
But it wasn’t always that way.
Had to make a big change.
Most people don’t feel this pain.
Switchin' sides for da fame.
Only two homies stayed —
Most people lost in the fake.
You see them flip
Like a light switch.
We jus vibin'.
Hype up, pipe up
If you wanna try sum. (x2)
Lost souls
Tryna find a home.
(Thug it out x2)
Most people chasin' fame
But they can’t catch it.
Living young and restless.
(Livin' right x2)
But it wasn’t always that way.
Life is hard — had to make a big change.
I was growin' up
All I wanted was to be a thug.
Now it’s time to grow up.
Thinkin' about the past
Jus made me realize
What I had —
And what’s to come.
Livin' lavish from a thug,
Locked up tryna find a home
But you can’t,
‘Cause the opps
Took your home.
Now you have to listen
Like you was thuggin'.
Just reminiscing.
(Livin' right x2)
But it wasn’t always that way.
Life is hard — had to make a big change.
Weird —
To be young
But feel old,
Like you was a youngin'
With an old soul.
Losing thoughts of your home.
Living right
But it wasn’t always that way.
Life is hard — had to make a big change.
Entry # 2034
Sane and Happy
If you really knew me, you would know that I love nature and being with
animals. You would know I enjoy the beautiful sky and that I find peace and
quiet outside. If you knew me, you would know the way I grew up living. You
would know that I am a kind person on the inside and that I’ve made mistakes in
my life because I’m not perfect—I’m truly human. I’m a person who’s had ups and
downs my whole life, and now I’m trying to change that.
If you really knew me, you would
know the things I enjoy doing and the things I would like to see. You would
know that I want to travel across the world and see amazing places. You would
know that I’m very creative and that I love to create art by painting and
drawing. If you knew me, you would know that I love comedy and enjoy seeing
comedy shows. It doesn’t matter who’s performing.
If you really knew me, you would
know simple things, like the way I brush my hair, how I get ready, the people I
hang out with, my style of clothing, how I perform in front of people, and the
personality that makes me who I am. You would know the things I’ve done and the
things I want to do to keep me sane and happy.
If you really knew me, you would
know the things I’ve achieved and the things I want to do in life. You would
know the friends I’ve had. You would know how I communicate with people and how
I’ve learned to cope with the struggles I’ve had to face over the years.
If you knew me, you would know that
I’m kind and respectful and that I’ve made mistakes. You would know I like
going to rodeos and watching Monster Trucks because I find them exciting, even
though they can be loud. You would know I’ve made many sacrifices and had to
risk a lot to get where I am now.
If you really knew me, you would
know I love reading old books about past wars. You would know I’ve been all
over America and that I love to travel. If you really knew me, you would know
my family and you would know their names.
If you knew me, you would know how
I’ve improved since I was little. You would know I’ve done many things I’m not
proud of, and that I’m trying to change after all these years. If you really
knew me, you would know I’m a respectful man who’s trying to change his life,
and I know it has to happen slowly in order to make real progress in this
world. You would know I’ve faced a lot of challenges, and I’m ready for a true
reset in my life.
If you really knew me, you’d know I
need to make changes in my behavior and the way I express myself to others.
You’d know my mind is slowly taking things on by itself, and that it’s really
hard for me to communicate with other people in my life.
If you really knew me, you’d find me funny and energetic. If you really knew me, you would know what has made me happy in this world.
Entry # 2035
Next
When I came in here
I felt him near
I fell in love
Because I knew he was the one
Things started to get real
I didn’t know love was a deal
Just when I felt safe
They moved me to a new place
Left my love behind
He’s a bad boy for sure
Maybe it was for the best
I might give love a rest
But we all know I will move to the next
Entry # 2036
The Things I’ve Done
If you really knew me, you would know that I’m stuck, and I don’t know what
to do while sitting here in juvenile hall. This place feels more like home than
the one I came from—because that one is broken. That’s why I keep coming back.
If you really knew me, you would know that my moms chose drugs over her family.
You would know that growing up, I didn’t have anybody but my pops—and he passed
away on my birthday. Now I’m really stuck, but it’s good, because I’m going to
show him that he raised me right. I’m going to be better. My kids won’t have to
steal food to survive, or stay in abandoned houses just to have a roof over
their heads, or feel like they need a new family, or end up living in juvenile
hall.
If you really knew me, you would know why I started smoking weed and drinking
by the age of nine. You would know that every time I had money, my sister would
steal it for drugs. You would know why I had to put locks on my door every time
I left “home.”
You would know that I used to trust and care for everyone—until that trust got
broken by my own family and friends. If you really knew me, you would know why
I’ve done the things I’ve done.
Entry # 2037
BIO DAD
I have never known my bio dad. Apparently, my dad used to lock my mom in a
closet and beat her. He even pushed her off a two-building, but she's still
alive. And then my uncles pushed him off of the same building and he was locked
up. He was on a whole lot of drugs and always tweaking and he's been in and out
of jail my whole life. It has affected me by not having a dad in my life and
not knowing how to act and I always got into trouble.
Entry # 2038
Day Dreams
The sorrow in this world is a strange thing—not just what it means to be
sorrowful, but the way it makes you feel, the way it makes you think. The
possibilities are endless when you're made up of two decisions: stay or stay.
They're not the best odds, but they’re real, and they exist—physically and
mentally.
480 days of confusion, and the faces of people I’ve come close to. No happiness
in a place like this. No freedom. Only incarceration—day after day, night after
night. What else is there to think, except not to think at all?
Entry # 2039
Love and Hate
Love and hate — everybody’s gonna change
Love and hate — nobody stays the same
Love and hate — some of the homies turning fake
Love and hate — I keep it in my own lane
Love and hate — nobody wants to see you win
Love and hate — I’m counting bread, plus what you make times ten
Love and hate — sitting in the hall
Love and hate — doing 3 ½, something small
Love and hate
Entry # 2040
Detained
Lost Learning
Oppressive Observant
Cooked Centered
Killer Knowing
Evil Eager
Doomed Dedicated
Unstable Improving
Pain Nirvana
Entry # 2041
Misunderstood
M Moments we were wrong
I Incidents we thought we were strong
S Situations we need to prevail, but we're stuck to no avail
U Underestimated, time and time again
N No one can really comprehend
D Detention and time away from homies
E Erasing memories of family
R Recreating punishments of pain
S Same person to blame
T Talking, but never preaching what I've written
O Overestimating days of a sentence
O Opportunities are bound to arise
D Days of our lives that take us by surprise
Entry # 2042
Greedy
G Get, never give
R Receive and retreat
E Enough is enough
E Erase and replace
D Dive deep
Y Youth-it's time to regroup
Entry # 2043
REMEMBER
Racking it up, stacking it up
Everybody changing, I'm still strapping up
Me and my thugs looking for some love
Everybody wants it, don't nobody wants to give it up
Making a name without the gang
Bringing new heat, y'all bringing the same
Earning my chicken, staying out the way
Running it up-a different way
Entry # 2044
My Girl
I made the decision to live with my girlfriend, who I learned would become
the love of my life. We’re an “opposites attract” type of relationship. When I
first saw her, I felt an emotion I couldn’t explain. Falling asleep beside her
and waking up next to her expanded that emotion through every part of myself.
Before I could make a proper decision, my emotions chose for me and I have no
regrets at all.
Months went by and I went back to live with my mom. This only lasted a week. I went
back to school. I was doing the best I had ever done. I decided to move in with
my girlfriend. This time, I let my emotions take over, but it felt right once I
heard her voice say “I love you.” I had no doubt or second thoughts and I left
with her knowing I was falling in love.
Every kiss was more than just a kiss—softer and softer like a cloud. It also
locked and unlocked an eternal bond that I will never let break. I locked my
heart up, giving her the key. Every kiss, every touch, stronger than the last.
We opened up to each other knowing the risk. I’ll admit, I was scared every
second but when her beautiful brown eyes were gazing at me, I relaxed and let
go of being scared and worried. I could trust her with my life.
This opened the biggest chapter of my life. We will always go through life
together, lifting higher and higher. We’ll go through the highs and the lows
back to back. She’s my princess, queen, goddess, and most of all my hero. I
look at the night sky and see it all. She’s become my number one sense of
purpose. I’m for her.
Entry # 2045
Lucky Unlucky
I am currently locked up, so here we go. I guess I grew up decent. I’ve got
an absolutely amazing mother who, despite my actions and the life I’m
following, has never given up on me. This is the case no matter what has
happened to us and no matter what has drawn us to have our rough patches. Her
boyfriend of 14 years is the closest thing I have to a dad, and even though we
don’t get along anymore, he hasn’t given up either.
Despite me growing up fairly decent, I still had some traumas that I could use
as excuses. But I was raised to take accountability for your actions and to not
let anybody make me do anything I didn’t want to do. Up until about 6th grade,
I wasn’t doing too bad, but 6th grade hit and I dove headfirst into various
forms of violence and soon got involved in gangs. This was my first time
incarcerated, which to me seemed like just my luck finally running out.
Entry # 2046
What Makes Me Happy Is My Freedom
There’s something powerful about just being free—it hits differently,
especially after it’s been taken away. I enjoy my freedom because no one is on
my back, watching my every move, or telling me what to do.
I feel most alive when everything is going right in my life and I don’t have to
worry about any struggles. One of the times I enjoy my freedom most is when I’m
barbecuing with my family and friends. I also love swimming and tubing down the
river.
Entry # 2047
My Life
My life started when I was four. I am now fifteen and have nowhere to go, no
place to call home except juvenile hall. It’s hard, but I’m going to tell you
the story of my life…
It all started when I was four years old. Yeah, I know I was young. I was
sitting on the living room couch with my older brother watching our very
favorite show, The Little Einsteins, not knowing where our little sister was.
Thirty minutes later she came out of one of the rooms crying in pain, saying
“Daddy did it again.” I didn’t understand, but my brother did. He jumped off
the couch and ran over to her, asking if she was okay. Then he went to tell our
dad’s wife what had happened. We couldn’t have known it at the time, but she
didn’t take our side.
She came into the living room after my brother spoke to her and was holding a
knife. We were sitting on the couch comforting our sister when our dad’s wife
walked over, grabbed our little sister while yelling at her, and stabbed her in
the stomach. Our sister was lying on the ground with blood all around her,
crying and screaming in pain. My brother and I were on the ground holding her,
screaming, while our dad and his wife ran out of the house so they wouldn’t get
caught. We didn’t know what to do—we were so young. So we just kept holding her,
hoping she’d be okay, until I heard her last breath. I was scared, and so was
my brother. I asked him what that breath was, but he wouldn’t answer me. He
just kept crying as he held me and the lifeless body of our sister. He told me
over and over it would be okay and not to worry.
Like ten minutes later, our neighbor showed up with the police. They searched
the house while others were helping us. I didn’t want to leave my sister’s
side, but I knew I had to. My brother picked me up and somehow got me to go to
sleep. When I woke up, I looked around, not knowing where I was. I went to find
my brother, opening almost every door until I found him. I woke him up and
asked where we were and where our sister was. We were at our uncle’s house. I
knew we were safe.
By the time I was seven or eight, our bio father was living with us. Even if my
brother and I didn’t accept him being there, we still had to—he was our uncle’s
brother. One day, my brother and I had just gotten home from school and went to
our room to do our schoolwork like usual. It was just a normal day—until we
went to bed. Our uncle and father were fighting, arguing about us because apparently,
we were “too much to handle.” When it got physical, we locked ourselves in my
brother’s room and tried to go to sleep. I felt okay and safe… but that soon
changed.
I woke up to the sound of our uncle crying, telling himself, “It’s all my
fault.” I went into the living room and saw something I never wanted to see. At
the time, it felt like it was me and my brother’s fault. All I really remember
from that night was our dad being put in an ambulance and being taken away from
me. In the morning, our uncle took us to live with our bio mom because he was
scared.
Two or three years later, when I was nine or ten, my brother had moved in with
his girlfriend, and my mom and I were doing super good. It was just me and her.
We were getting ready to go see my brother because we found out he had broken
his arm and was in the hospital. When we got there, they said he was okay and
we could go see him. So we did. Five hours later we left because it was getting
dark. On the way home, we were listening to some of our favorite songs. I
looked ahead and saw a semi-truck. I didn’t think anything of it until I
noticed what side of the road it was on. That’s when I told my mom to look
out—and she started hyperventilating.
When I looked into her eyes, full of fear, I knew we were not going to miss the
truck.
Once it happened, I didn’t remember much. When I woke up, I was in the hospital
with nurses around me asking questions like “Do you know where you are?” There
was one voice I felt like I recognized. I tried to wake myself up more to focus
on that voice, but I couldn’t gather enough energy. So I fell back asleep for a
while. When I finally woke up again, I had enough strength to see and hear who
it was. It was my uncle. I tried to get up to run to him, but I couldn’t. So I
yelled his name. He rushed over and hugged me, asking if I was okay.
Then I asked if my mom was okay.
He was quiet, tears building in his eyes. He told me she was gone.
I didn’t believe him. I kept saying he was lying. But when I saw the tears fall
from his eyes, I knew it was true. She was really gone. I shut down and started
crying. And once I was done, I just sat there. Alone. I didn’t have my sister,
my dad, my brother, or my mom anymore. I was scared. I didn’t want to lose
anyone else in my life.
Three months after my fifteenth birthday, I was living with a friend, getting
ready to go to a park in Oregon to see my older brother and my one-year-old
nephew. On the way, I told my brother to start walking to the park. But when we
were just a couple minutes away, he called and told me not to come—just to go
home. When he said that, I knew something was wrong. So I told him no, and that
I was coming to his house instead.
When I got there, all I saw was my brother’s body. He was still alive, but in a
lot of pain. I sat there holding him, waiting for someone to show up and help,
while my friend held my nephew. I didn’t know what to do. I just kept telling
him to stay with me. I kept saying I couldn’t lose him too. When the police
arrived, I realized he wasn’t going to make it. I tried praying for him, but I
was starting to give up hope. I felt hopeless, alone, and scared.
At the hospital, an officer told me he didn’t make it. There was nothing they
could do to save his life. At that point, I felt like my life was over. I
cried, and this time I couldn’t stop.
Losing my brother was the worst thing out of everything I’ve been through. He
was my hero. He was my everything. And now he’s gone. After that, I started
drinking way more. At the same time, my best friend was taking care of my
nephew. And now, here I am in juvenile hall—letting my depression take over and
my anger take control. It feels like everything around me is collapsing, and I
can’t do anything about it because I’m too scared. I’ve been hiding from myself
for so long, and now I’m tired. I just want to give up and cry.
But no matter how much I want to, I know I have to keep going—for the people
I’ve lost on the way to where I am today. I know I can do better. I know I can
become a better person.
So I try to look at the future—not the past—and move on.
