Entry #2142

It All Flew By So Fast

It all flew by so fast. I didn’t have that long of a sentence—only six months—but it felt like two. I did three months before I got sentenced, along with my time in here. This journey hasn't been easy in the slightest. For the first three months, I felt like my world outside these cinder block walls was falling apart. I never understood why life seemed to love throwing me curveballs when I wasn’t even out there to catch them.

I also didn’t know how to let go. It’s all coming to an end now, and I still feel like I’m at square one. I juggle a life between two different families, and I struggle with truly wanting to stay sober. I don’t know if I want to do something with myself or go right back to the same lifestyle I had before.

In all honesty, being locked up has just made me more angry at the world. I want nothing more than to kick back, pop some pills, and laugh at the thought of people wanting me to be sober. I hate authority even more now. I want to fail before I even try to do good, just so I can avoid the risk of trying and coming up empty‑handed. I want to push everyone away because I got used to being alone here.

If I don't graduate here, I know for a fact I won’t be going back to high school. I try not to let all this negativity show or ruin my program, but it’s hard. From where I’m standing, it feels like nobody outside these walls really understands what it’s like to live this life. At the end of the day, staff go back to their own homes, and I go back to mine. They can give advice like, “Don’t commit crimes and you won’t have to be here,” but it’s more complicated than that. My life has always been full of responsibilities and struggles that most people don’t see.

I was paying bills to help my family before I was even old enough to have a job. I was taking care of my own dad’s kid because he was never home. I was putting food on the table. I was stressed every day when I was out, and that was one of the main reasons I used drugs.

I still don’t know who to be when I get out because I still don’t even know who I am. I have this hate for society now that I didn’t have before. I got a T.R. on Thanksgiving and found out that not one thing has changed since I’ve been locked up. It’s still the same people smoking the same stuff, going to the same parties, sleeping with the same girls.

They say life gets better, but I say it just gets easier to deal with. I know being sober can’t be that hard, but I hate life when I’m not high. Everything feels so cookie‑cutter, like there’s no uniqueness to anything or anyone.

Sometimes I just zone out thinking about chilling in my room, smoking some weed, and just thinking—not about anything in particular, just thinking. I’m not going to say I’m going to fail when I get out, because I can’t afford failure. But I am going to say there is no way in hell I’m going through life without some sort of substance.

I don’t want relationships with people. No friends, no girlfriends. Sometimes I don’t even want to be around my family. The fewer people you have in your life, the less chance you have to get hurt. If I have to be alone for the rest of my life to avoid abandonment, then that’s how it’s gonna be.

I’m sorry to the people who believed in me, but I’m done with this ****. I’m done.

Entry #2143

The End of Us

I'm glad to say that I'm finally over you. When I was in that relationship with you, I was broken. I hid from you like a little girl avoiding getting beat by her father. In fact, I was still a little girl when I met you. The beginning of us was so perfect. I remember when I first met you, I remember our first kiss, and I remember your handsome smile. I was so happy with you.

Sure, we were addicted to drugs and alcohol, but we were dealing with our ****** up lives and built-up anger together. Then, instead of being angry with me, you became angry at me. You started beating me when you were mad at something. Only the walls in that cramped apartment know how loud I screamed apologies for things I never did.

My friends knew I was becoming depressed and angry, yet I was still so in love with you. I told them, “He’s just going through something, he'll be back to normal soon.” You were my everything. I remember that one time you cheated on me and hit me for asking about it. I stopped speaking up about things and became quiet. I turned to drinking and drugs as a way to get out.

I would look at the girls you would get with for hours. I thought I was too childish for you. You told me to grow up one time when I was crying after you hit me, so I lost that little sliver of the little girl inside me. I burned so many bridges for you. My whole world revolved around you.

I remember when I finally left you — that’s what really changed me. I started doing worse drugs and ended up getting addicted to dope. I started getting locked up. You changed my whole life from the day I met you in 8th grade. I loved you, but I wish I never met you.

I’m glad to say that I'm a different person now, and I will never speak to you again. Have a nice life.

Entry #2144

My Broken Promise

I promised you I wouldn't forget you. I promised that I would carry your memory with me for life. I'm sorry that you had to leave so young. I loved your beautiful tan skin and your amazing smile that made me feel loved. I miss your voice and the way we would laugh on the phone for so long, just talking about life and everything wrong with it.

I promised I would keep your Juice WRLD shirt, and I didn't, and I wish I did because you told me it was your favorite. I promised things I knew I couldn’t keep because I was too busy doing stupid stuff you always asked me not to do. I promised you so much and couldn’t keep it.

I'm sorry. But I promise I will carry you forever. I miss you more than anything, and I will never forget the memories we made together.

Entry #2145

Dear Dad,

This is everything that I never got to say or had the guts to tell you: there were times in my life where I doubted you, simply due to your drug and alcohol abuse problems. But day by day, I chose to stay by your side, even when you made it hard for me to be around you. Deep down, Dad, you really broke my heart from the very start. You never played catch with me, you never really took me to church, and at certain parts in my life, you broke me. I miss you, I love you, but at times I know that I can't be around you. I hope that I can be with you during Christmas, but you know that might not happen since I’ll be on probation. We’ll see though.

Deep down, when we were in New Mexico, I almost saw you die right in front of me, and ever since, I just want to feel your presence. You may not know, I’m happy to have you in my life. I chose to keep you around me regardless of your problems, mental and physical.

Your drug addiction was messing you up, and now look at your son. Yeah, he’s locked up. And believe it or not, I made a bad choice. I’m not trippin’ over you—you were acting like a fool, and all the kids in school had gotten real cruel. Well, I shut them up real quick, but it doesn’t matter. All these other incarcerated kids make me go insane. Now I sit in my 8-by-10 cell, dealing with the pain. And believe it or not, it still hurts, and believe it or not, I haven't seen the worst. My life is like an explosion waiting to burst. My pain still kills me, but I shall not show it.

And I say: why did you do allllll the bad drugs and force me to leave so that you could smoke and get high? It is what it is. You can't miss this—your son locked up, caught up in the abyss. On drugs or not, you're a fraud, a monster, caught up in my trap waiting to be let loose. And I don’t give a **** anymore. When you're sober, then we’ll talk. Till then, take a walk.

Hope you can gain the skills that you need so that you can be with me.

Your one-time son,

*******

Entry #2146

Keeping Promises

I made a promise to my family that I'm going to use this time as a chance to change. I’ve been in and out of this facility since 2020. I’m fighting some serious cases. If I don't change my ways, I’m going to end up where my family is. I’ve lost a lot of my family due to prison. My little brother just finished a 10-month sentence. It really sucks that I didn't get any of those months to spend with him. I came in here when he only had 2 months left. Now I’m going to lose my last teen years and early adult years in this place.

I feel like my brother and little sister have followed in my footsteps. I showed them a horrible route in life. All I can do now is cherish my memories with them. My uncle gets out of High Desert Prison in a few months. I remember that phone call telling me to keep my family away from this life. It’s no joke—he lost 17 years of his life.

I’m going to keep my promise to my mom, dad, and uncles because I know they believe I can be somebody and not end up the way they did. I’m going to take college classes in here and get a great job working with heavy machinery. Incarcerated life isn’t for anyone. Only God knows what I’ve been through, and I know He’ll help me change my ways.

Numbers 6:24-26: The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace

Entry #2147

A Promise I Told Myself to Keep

The promise I made to myself when I was locked up was to be with him and have a future together. He was the most important person in my life.

I’m here in this pod telling myself that I f***** up because of what I did to my beautiful boy.

I’m sorry. I know you’re mad. You can call me a *** and a *****. You can tell me to kill myself again. It will hurt my feelings, but I still care about you.

I know you’re hurt, and I’m sorry.

Entry #2148

Younger Me

Hey, this is a letter to the younger me. So just listen close so you don’t **** up my life. You pushed away everybody I cared about—friends and family members. You caught so many felonies I can’t even get my record sealed when I turn 18. Like, what were you thinking? I wish you could be in my shoes now so you can see how hard you made it for me.

I remember when you stole those fireworks from your dad and lit that forest fire. That was probably the biggest trouble I got in at a young age. From there, I just started going down a bad path, getting in more and more trouble. Everybody already looked at me as a bad kid.

And then there was that time you stabbed your cousin over a game of Call of Duty. Not a great choice. My dad was pissed, and my cousin had to go into the hospital for a few stitches. If you could just do those two things differently, maybe you wouldn’t end up in an 8x9 cell staring at white walls years later.

Don’t get me wrong—things aren’t all bad. I may get out in a month or two. I’ve been in and out of here since I was 12. Not exactly a fun time, but I’m excited to have freedom again. I think I can do good.

Entry #2149

Getting Out 

I get out a week from Wednesday. I’ve spent seven months here in juvie, but it hasn’t been that bad. Honestly, it’s been one of the best experiences of my life because it taught me more than I ever imagined. I’m 18 now—getting out as an adult—and I’m scared.

I feel like I have the tools to succeed, but I also know how fast everything can come crashing down. Still, I have faith that I’m going to do good and become the person I know I can be, the person I always wanted to be.

From 14 on, I was in and out of juvie, catching charges. Somewhere along the way, I realized I wanted to change. And I have changed. I can do it. I will do it. I know it’s not going to be easy, but nothing good ever is.

What really opened my eyes was seeing a good friend go to jail, losing my connection with my family, and losing someone I love. Hurting the people I care about made me realize what I was doing to myself and everyone around me.

Happiness doesn’t just show up—it’s something I have to work for. It comes from doing things I love, accomplishing things I never thought I could, and reaching goals, big or small. I’m ready to keep chasing that happiness. Everyone deserves it.

Entry #2150

Emotions

I miss when I was a kid, laughing so hard I cried. I used to be free. Now I just go outside for an hour. All the negative influences I thought wouldn’t affect me—they did. I look back and see it. I’m angry like a volcano ready to erupt, a loaded pistol ready to blow, like Usain Bolt lined up and ready to go. I never really took the time to think about it. Looking back, I should have listened. I should have paid attention. I don’t even know how I ended up with the friends I have now or how I got introduced to the set, or to the drugs and guns. If I had to explain it, it’d be like a dog seeing a squirrel and wanting it so bad. That was me. I wanted that life so bad, and I couldn’t get enough. Now I’ve had enough. I can’t take it back or go back. I feel guilty. If I could apologize to my mom, I’d say: “Mom, I’m sorry I didn’t take your care into consideration. I didn’t listen. I didn’t care—but now I do. If I could go back, I would. I’m sorry. If you could hear how I feel, you would cry. If you could see my improvement, you would cry.”

I don’t understand emotions. Why does sadness make you cry and joy make you cry? It makes no sense—like rivals becoming best friends. I want to study psychology to understand how the brain works. Anger makes you yell. Fear makes you yell. Emotions are different but exactly the same. I can’t wrap my head around it. I can’t stand waking up when someone else tells me. I can’t stand having to click a button and give a reason to come out of my room. I can’t STAND it. My routine is the same every day. It’s annoying. It’s repetitive. But I put myself here, and I can’t escape this prison.

I will survive on the outside. I will thrive. I won’t prey like a bird or like a snake. I’ve lost too many people to go back to that life—but I also can’t see myself giving up that life. I’ve earned too much respect. I’ve done too many crimes for the hood. I can’t imagine not having the hood to turn to when no one picks up the phone. My family life is hard. My brother misses me. My oldest sister betrayed me. My grandma hates me. My mom feels she failed me. My dad feels he encouraged me. My cousin feels he influenced me. I feel like I chose it all. I absorbed everything like a plant being watered. I ate it up like a hungry lion, but I deny it all like a violent tornado ripping through towns. No care in the world. No clear way of seeing the world—like a broken telescope. No understanding—like someone in a foreign country without the language. No place to call home. No one to call my own.

Entry #2151

Everything

I remember being full of joy, when my heart belonged to my cheer team.

I remember getting touched by my father—I was only in 5th grade.

I remember when I tried my first drug, oh how it filled my hollowed-out heart.

I remember when I met you, the way you made me feel like the only girl in the world.

I remember when you turned evil—so many screams and tears.

I remember when you broke my heart. I trusted you.

I remember getting locked up over and over again. What happened to me?

I remember getting out of juvie and immediately getting drugs. I just wanted to feel something.

I remember trying dope—oh how I hated it, but I still couldn’t stop.

I remember losing everyone who loved me because of how far gone I was. I wanted to change, but I couldn’t.

I remember everything.

Entry #2152

Dissociation

Dissociation—every day is the same. I feel like I’m watching the world instead of being in the world. It’s been like that for a while now, ever since that day in 7th grade, ever since I got laced. I’d rather be alone. It’s hard to communicate with people, especially people I don’t know. It messed me up a bit. I’ve slowly been getting better, but still, it feels like my soul is out of my  body, and I don’t know if that will ever change. Nothing feels new, and everything is depressing, and the only thing that changes that is substances. But it’s weird, because that’s what started it all—and without them, it gets worse. I can’t sleep, and every day it feels like my soul separates from my body more and more. It’s like I’m watching my life instead of living it.

Entry #2153

Only I Can

ME
People have bullied me, harassed me, manipulated me, and made me feel unsafe.
They made me scared, suicidal, and hallucinate. They made me lose myself internally.
They made me flip out, break down, and lose myself even more.

MYSELF
The only person who can change me is myself. I want to do better for myself and for my family. I’ve tried to protect myself, I’ve helped myself out. I’ve done hurtful things, and I’m not proud of them, but the only person who can make me change is myself.

AND I
Only I can decide to change my life. Only I can decide not to get into fights. Only I can be the bigger person and not yell back. Only I can choose how I respond to situations. Only I can change my behaviors and the way I deal with things.

Entry #2154

New Start

If I were to design my own tattoo, it would be a person walking out of a prison or juvenile hall into a new world. I would want that tattoo right on my back so everyone could see it. It would look like a person just getting out of jail and going back into society.

What this story means to me is that when people get released from prison or juvie—including myself—we all have the decision to do what’s right in this new world, as we would say. Being in jail is totally different from being free. When we are locked up, we are being told what to do, versus when we are out, there is no one telling us what we need to do or what we aren’t supposed to do.

So it is easier to fall back into old habits that land us back in custody. We all have the choice to do what’s right, or simply decide what choice is going to benefit us. There are always consequences for every action we choose to take, good or bad.

Why I would choose to carry this story is that I know what it’s like to be released and fall back into the same habits that land me in the same place. That’s why I would choose a person getting released and walking into a new world—so that person could either make the right decision or keep repeating the same cycle.

Entry #2155

Love Tats

I've been through a lot of sh*t in my life. I’ve cried a lot of tears, broke a lot of windows, ran a lot of miles, and felt a lot of pain. But the worst pain I ever experienced was losing HER.

Her name was Iris. She was small, black and white like an old-fashioned television, with caramel stripes. She had a white star on her forehead. She was so special to me. She would sit with me when I cried. She always knew when I was going through something rough.

Iris wasn’t just a pet dog. She was my sister, my lover, my best friend, and the one special being I could confide in. I could trust her like no other person I’ve ever met.

If I could take one mistake back—one of my biggest regrets—I would look into her big, beautiful, round brown eyes and tell her I love her, and that I wish I could’ve said goodbye. I would tell her I miss her so much and that I hope one day I can come talk to her again.

I would tell her there has never been a dog, person, organism, living thing, or atom ever loved as much as she was loved by me.

Iris, if you can hear me now, I hope you know I love you so much, and that you are forever dear to my heart. I love you, my rough collie baby girl. Always, forever, in my heart.

Entry #2156

City of Broken Bones

I'm a lost boy tryna find myself. I grew up in a city of broken bones, neighborhoods full of broken homes. I remember when I was thuggin’ all alone. My brother started thuggin’—I heard it on the phone. I've been tryna stay out of trouble, but no one’s prone. Stuck up in the cell thinkin’ ‘bout home. But things are different now that my brother’s gone. But I gotta carry on and live my life. Gotta keep walkin’ my path—I’m doin’ right. The streets are cold; gotta keep yo fight. Can’t cuff ‘em, can’t trust them—I’m talkin’ trife.

Entry #2157

Cancer

If there were a tattoo I could get, I would get something for my sisters, and it would be my sister’s last name. I would also put a cancer sign, because they are fighting cancer right now.

I would do one for my grandma too—a big stingray tattoo. A stingray is my grandma's spirit animal, and she has loved ocean animals ever since I was young.

I already have a meaningful tattoo for my grandma: a rose.

Entry #2158

My Belief

I made a promise to my great-grandma that I would always stay faithful to the God we believe in. It matters because not many people in my family believe in the Lord, and because the promise was made on her deathbed.

Keeping it will shape my future by helping me stay truthful and strong in my belief.

Entry #2159

Daring to Dream 

Let’s get one thing straight: I don’t care who you are, what race you are, what culture you represent, or anything else. We all have something in common: we dare to dream big and have goals and careers we want to achieve.

It isn’t the fact that the reason we sit in a cell defines how society sees us. It’s the fact that, as young human beings, we had careers we still might want to continue, and sadly, our mistakes have gotten in the way of that. My family is not proud of me. I don’t care if you’re here or in another hall—I just care about believing that I have the right to express how I feel. Ain’t I right? Yeah, the hell I do. This is 2025. Oh yes, the hell I do.

I don’t get into politics or rights or anything like that. I just believe in the right to love and care for people simply because they are human beings. We all deserve to be respected fairly, regardless of what others think of us.

This is the space and environment where I can gain the proper skills and tools to better my life—for myself and for my loving, caring family back at home. The way my life is currently is good now that people have stopped talking **** to me. I hate that when they act all hard, I react negatively to unneeded comments. But that’s just the way my life currently is.

Entry #2160

Cobra

I would want a snake on my back, in the middle of it, or on my chest. I’ll tell people my story: I don’t trust people—like a snake doesn’t trust people. A lot of people did me wrong, and they’re untrustworthy. So my tattoo would be for everyone who messed me over. It would remind me of my trust issues. King cobras are cool because they kill all the other snakes.

Entry #2161

Dear Ma,
I hope you're doing good. I want to make a promise to you. My promise is that I’m going to get out before I’m supposed to—sooner than my base term.

This promise is important because I want to make you proud. It shapes my future because it keeps me in a good mindset so I can stay on track.

Entry #2162

A Promise to Someone I Care About

Hi. I want you to know I do care about you. I might act ruthless for my homies or to keep that tough look, but I want to let you know I care so much it’s hard to even express it. I want to do better so I can show you, and not just keep trying to make you believe and trust me.

I just want to make it out of this hole I’ve dug myself into. Actions are better than words. I can’t wait to say I’ve made it and see that smile on your face I used to see. I miss it. I miss the old me. I miss my old hobbies. I just want some relief from this life. It’s so hard seeing your loved ones disappointed in your ways. I miss it all.

I'll make it soon. No longer will I feel this way. I can’t wait to see you happy and proud of me. I just can’t wait to prove to everyone who never believed in me, or left me in the dust, that I can do this—and I want to do this for you.

Entry #2119
Saying Goodbye
I used to think the problems we had were all just in my head, but it was so much more than that. You were not just a figment of my imagination. I could feel your presence with me everywhere I went. Every day you were with me. Every day you were on my mind. I couldn't escape you no matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted to, you were still there. I sacrificed so much to keep you around.

I burned so many bridges that will never be rebuilt because of you. But hey, I can’t just blame everything on you. Right? I mean, I must have had a part to play in all this. I chose to keep you around for so long, even after all the destruction you caused in my life. I continued to ignore all the red flags and warning signs people around me were telling me. I even let you control my life, my every move, my every thought, down to my every emotion. Our relationship is like a locked room that I’m stuck in, the only catch, I have the key.

I remember the first time we met. I was still just a kid and God knows how naive I was. I was just looking for the feeling I never had, the feeling of being accepted. When I met you, I knew that my life was about to change, and not for the better. In the moment you made me feel happy, powerful, free. I felt like there was nothing that could bring me down.

Some days I wouldn't sleep because of you and other days I couldn't even wake up. It didn't matter what form you came in, I still wanted you, I still needed you. I watched from a nose bleed seat in my mind, my world around me turn grey and lonely because of how clouded you made my reality. You took everything from me, my family, my girlfriend, my close friends, my life, my sanity. But hey, guess what? I woke up, and I’m happy to say, **** YOU.

You took some of the best years from me, no more. I can’t have you, I can’t live with you and for the first time in my life, I’m ok with that. Now I know in order to help me, I have to leave you. I have to say goodbye. It was fun while it lasted, man was it fun. The endless nights stuck in a state of euphoria, feeling like the world was ours. The people I met and the places you took me. Goodbye to it all. Finally, I am truly free. Without you, I am forever free. You will be remembered but never missed.

To, my hate filled addictions…

Entry #2120
Where the Shadows Sleep
I learned early how to make myself small,
How to fold into corners, hide in plain hall.
The walls remember the voices, the shouts,
The nights I counted tears instead of clouds.

Mom drifted far in a haze I couldn’t name,
Chasing ghosts I could never tame.
I watched her fade, a shadow in the night,
While I carried the weight of trying to make it right.

I whispered apologies for things I never did,
Carried guilt like a stone in my chest I hid.
But listen — I am still here.
I survived the chaos, the fear.

The mirror shows a face once cracked,
But now it stares back, intact.
Every scar tells a story, loud and clear,
On nights I fought monsters no one else could hear.

The past hums, its echo deep,
But I am the voice that woke me from sleep.
I rise from the shadows, piece by piece,
Learning that survival is a kind of peace.

Even broken homes can leave their mark,
But even shattered hearts can spark.
I am enough — my own release,
Where shadows sleep, I find my peace.

Entry #2121
My Story
Being locked up runs in my family. Left and right, I saw my father in and out of jail and on drugs. After a while, you start to go in that direction. I started to see I was going down the same path. It was hard at first to accept that I was a **** up, but now I've been locked up for 3 months, doing an 8-to-9-month term, I realize now that I want to be a better person and do good.

Sitting in my cell staring at these concrete walls, I realize I’m not just hurting myself. I'm hurting the people around me. I put my mom in some messed up situations. But I just want her to know I'm a good person at heart.

Entry #2122
A Person with Love
Do they know that I am more than a headline? I hear a lot of words get thrown around—monster, menace, gangbanger…will they ever know that I hurt? Mourning for forgiveness of people that will only ever know one side of a story. The code of silence, but silence is all I hear now.

Do the people that see my mug shot on the news know that I’m a son, a big brother, a little brother, an uncle, a cousin, a grandbaby, a person with love. No, love dies out when you’re leaning towards 50 to life, knowing that the only person to save you is the very person that’s against you. I’ve pretty much been alone for the most part. Sentencing day came around and it turns out the only person that showed up for me was myself. But that’s okay, because I know deep down that I am a good person.

I also know that the life I lived may not have been the best, but I have learned enough from the experiences that I have been through that I can survive any situation. Determination is only possible if the steps to success are visible. And a person that stands alone is only really alone if they chose to be. The only thing I want people to know about me from now on is how that boy became a man.

Entry #2123
Goodbye My Love
I remember the first day I met you.
I remember our first kiss.
I remember your smile and how you would get excited over certain things you liked. But more importantly, I remember what the drugs did to you. That pretty little smile turned into a frown when you didn’t have what you needed. The excitement you had turned into anger towards me when I had done nothing wrong.

Maybe you acted that way because I wasn't like you. I liked action figures, you liked pipes and cheap thrills, and I loved you no matter your addiction problems, so I joined you. Instead of buying a $10 action figure, I bought a $10 bag of drugs just so you would love me. Maybe I should have left sooner, but your smile and excitement when I bought what you needed made me stay. I wasn’t addicted to the drugs we were on; I was addicted to your love. I think about you every day and your pretty smile, and it crushes my heart to know you're not the pretty girl I once knew. I know I have to overcome this and do better. I will always love you forever and always.

Entry #2124
Failure
Failure is the only opportunity to begin again, but this time, more wisely…

Entry #2125
Emotionally Desperate
There comes a time when I question the things I do and why. It has to deal with past trauma and some awful experiences. People wonder why I do the things I do and say the things I say, and well, most of it likely leads back to my trauma as a kid. Trauma has brought me down, forced me to be emotionally desperate, and led me down a wrong road in life. My family has been worried about me because of the way that I grew up, and I would totally agree that I need help.

The reason that I'm in here isn’t just because of my charge, but it has to do with the fact that I saw my life going down a road that I didn’t want to go down. Right, there comes a point where I have had enough of things, and now, I just wish that things would go back to normal. But let's be real, there is no such thing as “perfect,” right? I am so caught up in my little world that I don't know the full potential that things in this world have to offer. I got so caught up in everyone's ****, that I didn’t realize my mistakes.

Now, I’m locked up for a year, and if they keep me in here my total time will be a year and a half, and it sucks to be in a facility for that long. I see kids come and go, in and out all of the time, and it feels unfair, but it is something that I have to deal with because I committed a crime that was not ok.

This is my one and only time where I have ever been incarcerated. My dad has been incarcerated so many times it's not even funny, and I surely don’t want that life. Once I’m out, I plan on never coming back.

Entry #2126
The Big Girl
I was taught to be the ‘big girl’, sit there and handle things that come my way like a big girl would…but I was 5, I should’ve been protected, the little girl who should’ve dreaded the dark and what lies throughout it…instead, I waited all day for the light to disappear so I could take off the big girl makeup…stop playing dress-up and let the little girl out of the shadows. Then I grew up, and as I grew up I felt the need to stay the big girl, kinda handle things for everyone—if I’m not the big girl, who is?

And if I stopped for a moment, just a second, the little girl would creep out of me like secrets trying to escape into rumors. If I slowed down I wouldn’t be the big girl I was supposed to be, the face I put on for mother’s approval that never once was given…no matter how much I tried, or for daddy who needed a big girl…without a big girl, no one showed him the love he so desperately needed so I was the big girl for him, even though a little girl shouldn’t have to be that big! They told me to grow up…so I lost the little girl inside of me. I looked for her but she only found peace in *******…now gone forever, I’m the big girl.

Entry #2127
Not What I Do
I remember being a little good kid, a lover, giving and all the good stuff. I used to live with my mom and step dad and my brothers. We used to all be a family doing all the normal family stuff like going to school, eating dinner together, and playing sports. But stuff changed, dad and mom split up. I stopped trying in school, and started fights and not doing my homework. Then mom sent me to go live with my granny and that's when stuff got real.

I started smoking some za, drinking, and running away from home to hit the block up and do some crucial stuff. It runs in the blood. All of my uncles and brothers have been thuggin too. My brother’s a thug to all of them and he’s about to have a kid so I don't want him to be doing all this stuff. Actually I don’t want any of my brothers involved. I feel like a piece of **** with my little brother trying to be a thug. My dad told me up on the phone he found pole in his bag. I know my lil bro thinks this life is cool, but I’ve been telling him it ain’t. This is how my big brothers probably felt about me. So, I’m trying to do good in front of them.

Entry #2128
Pathway to Hell (Incarceration)
Here it can be cruel. They want everyone else to fall apart, they want them to break down and cry. Well guess what? That’s not going to happen anymore. Not to me anyways. I started taking college classes here in the hall and for the first time in a really long time, I feel happy. I feel like I can do anything that I set my mind to, and since I have the skills that I so desperately needed, I am doing way better than the way that I was on the outs.

The things that I have done don’t determine what kind of individual I’ve become. My behavior, my actions, my stability, my workmanship, and general understanding has gotten me so far here in the hall. I can’t wait for the time that they say that I can go home. My last court date, they said that since my behavior has dramatically changed, they are thinking about letting me out 6 months early. But thanks to the DA, they said that they might end up keeping me here for another 6 months since my charge is really severe.

I shouldn’t have done the crime to begin with, but nobody is perfect, and we all make mistakes. My parents aren't proud of me, but that's ok, neither am I. I feel so guilty. I’m now doing way better than the old days. I feel like I am more able to understand that not only did I really hurt my victim, but I hurt his family emotionally. There comes a point that after being bullied and not being able to do really anything to protect myself, I kind of exploded. I’m not cool for doing that and I wish that I thought of other options. Being incarcerated has helped me out in so many ways. I’ve been able to regulate my emotions, but protect my feelings at the same time.

I question the things that I do and why. But I have figured out why. It's not just because of the people I hung out with, but it has to do with the fact that the way that I grew up wasn’t ok in any manor, living in a rundown trailer for so many years with very little food or running water. It was hard for me. Very hard actually. My crime… maybe it was the fact that I was tired of him? Or the fact that he bullied me for so long? No matter what I did to feel safe, I needed support and guidance and I was getting very little.

No kid at the age of 5 to 13 shouldn’t have to deal with neglect because their parents are on substances. Still, I’ve realized my parents tried their damn best to give me the life they wish they had in the form of a younger them. I was always running the streets, going to the skate park to hang out with my friends, going to the gas station to get a Coca-Cola and going to the gazebo. I find my life hard because I was and still am constantly getting in trouble with my parents and now, I am in trouble with the law, incarcerated. My life was hard, and I say, “you're the dumbass, cause now look where you’ve ended up,” and my thoughts are like,
“Well ok, maybe I did make a mistake, and now, I pay for the crime that I committed.”

Lately I find myself very optimistic, but the crime that I committed, and the way that I have been acting lately says otherwise. I just hope that I can repay everyone back for the mistakes that I made, and make my life better than it was when I came in.

Entry #2129
Deteriorate
I’ve always had a fascination with death, for some reason I never grew fear — honestly, I grew interest. From little girl to big, I liked the thought of never dealing with pain, never having to hear the evil things my twisted mind had to think, up until one day — that one day I realized my mind was not alone, others were sick… sick enough to leave me behind, rotting, my smile left, gone in the dust… and their words deteriorate in my brain. Loved ones die, taking their own lives, and what’s stuck in my ****** up mind? His body is left on the ground, where his beautiful face once held all of my love… even my sweet, serene prince is in the ground, and what does he do? Deteriorate. Now I fear, fear a lot. Death is scary and cold, but I think it’s safe, for it’s the one that holds my love, welcoming with open arms as I carry on in this world with pain and my sick, messed up brain. So when Guadalupe tells me it’s my time, then I know I can be with my beautiful boy, ready to deteriorate and be one with this damaged world.

Entry #2130
Dear Sister
Hey Babygirl, sissy misses you so much. I'm sorry that I keep going down this path, I know you're disappointed in me and I know I keep breaking my promises. This time while I'm here I'm going to really try to get better so I can come home to you and Bubba. When you called me right before I got arrested, you were crying because I'm turning out like dad with his alcohol and drug addiction. That really broke my heart. You shouldn't even know what alcohol and drugs are. You're growing up so fast already and it hurts that I'm not there to see you and Bubba grow up because I'm always locked up. Your mom told me that you're doing good in cheer, and Babygirl I'm so proud of you. You remind me a lot of myself when I was younger and I just want you to be the best version of yourself and be the person I never got to be. I made a lot of mistakes and I continue to make them, but you and Bubba are the reason that I want to be better. You guys have been here for me throughout this whole time when the rest of the family gave up on me, You guys believe that I can do better, so I believe it too. I know our childhood wasn't the best, but I'm happy you guys have your mom. Anyway, I love you so much Princess.

Entry #2131
Crack, Mom, Girls and Ben
I used to wake up in the morning and wondered where my momma was at. I tried figuring out why she left me and my family. Now that I’m older, I know it was for the crank and crack. Growing up I wondered why I was so damn brain dead. I figured out I’m a damn crack baby. Hearing that sucked but it never stopped me from completing my goals in life. Now I don't even trip about not having a mother. That ***** too overrated. I don't even think about her anymore. All I think about is fine females and that green paper with Benjamin Franklin on it.

Entry #2132
My Mask
I have a mask
That had one task
To spread chaos while lost
But when my task was complete
The race I thought I won, I had lost
I was tossed
So, then I tossed
Mask to see what I'll become
That was my first step to success
Goodbye, that's the rest

Entry #2133
FEAR!
After being abandoned by my dad, my mom was pushed off a 2-story balcony while she was pregnant with me. I still don't know if I have brain damage or not, but I might as well go day by day with the way I am. People call me slow, but that's ok, it doesn't matter what other people think about me, it only matters what I think about myself. I got locked up for a violation of probation after my little sister passed. I went so downhill to a point I wanted to die, but I'm better now. I got the help I need so I can keep going with a better life.

Entry #2134
Not Knowing
Dear mom, I’ve gotta ask something? Was it worth it leaving me all alone? I mean I had granny, but sometimes I think how life would be with a mom and dad, you feel me? Like it's hard not knowing pops and to have no mother to help. I mean it sucks and I think about it all the time. I mean I get everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I wonder why did it happen this way? I just remember the first time she tried to see me was in juvie in visiting. To be honest so many feelings came through my head, a lot to be honest: hate and sadness. It broke me. All I ever wanted to know is who my dad was. It sucks not knowing.

Entry #2135
Me
My name is pain.
I was born in group homes.
I was raised in foster homes.
My family includes the number 0.
My favorite activities include sports and music.
My music includes rap, as well as artists like Katy Perry, Ariana Grande, and Post Malone.
And I don't care what people think of me, and I am really great at pushing people away.
People prefer not to see the pain that goes on inside of me every day. They don’t understand what it’s like to lose people and never get to say goodbye, to have no one to turn to, no one to talk to, run to, what it’s like to be scared to be who you are.
The crowds of people in my life that circle in and out don’t want to see me for the broken, run-down, hated, unwanted, unloved, and as my love’s favorite song says:
“She can barely see the pavement, she can barely read the signs
People think she's complicated but never wanna look inside
'Cause she's a little too R-rated and they're a little too damn blind
She's just looking for her angels, but they're a little hard to find”
And it’s true. I can barely see where I’m going in life. I can barely read what’s in front of my face every day of my ****ed up life. People think I’m complicated, creepy, weird, and never seem to have enough in them to see past my mask of nonchalance. People aren’t blind; they just prefer to stay in their own comfortable square. I’ve been looking for MY angels, but I guess they’re just non-existent. Sometimes I just sit in my cell and let my extreme mental agony take over for a little while. I sit on my bed surrounded by the ghosts of people who ridicule me, hate me, treat me like ****. All the kids treat me like canaille, and I often consider committing suicide, not because I want to be dead, but because I want a little bit of peace, with no bullying from anyone, no pain, and no hate.
On an ending note, my advice to those of us out there like me, just stay strong, continue to wake up every morning, struggle through the next day, stay positive, chill, and continue to be polite to everyone, and hopefully you will find what you need in life. Don’t do drugs, don’t get locked up, and stay cool.

Entry #2136
When You’re Away
It’s been two years since we talked. I felt betrayed that night at the party. You left me in the dust and made me find a ride, super drunk. After all the alcohol I got you that day. I told you that’s the last time I'd talk to you ever again. I stick to what I say. After everything, life feels better without you in it. I feel better knowing I’m not going to get used by you. I constantly did what you asked, risking my freedom just to feel like a good little brother. I have so much to say, but I'm not trying to be rude about everything I have on my mind. I moved on, I feel better about myself when you’re away.

Entry #2137
As Quiet as a Shadow
I move through the world like a waking shadow who has no purpose.
I walk like a panther on the hunt.
I walk among the crowds as a dead man walking.
I move through the streets as quiet as a will-o’-the-wisp.
I walk among you listening like a wolf hunting for prey.
I am among you, you just won’t know for I am as quiet as a shadow…

Entry #2138
Letter to the Streets
I am someone who comes from a life of crimes and poverty. When I was 8 years old I saw someone get shot and killed just a couple blocks away from my apartments. When I saw that body drop I felt something I never felt before — adrenaline. After that I started getting more into gang life. At the age of 12 my older homie handed me a glock and told me to keep it on me at all times. I started walking around town feeling like I was Superman, but I was just a kid that was confused. I thought my older homies were role models, but they would just use me to sell coke and weed. I didn't realize that till I was 14, in juvenile hall for a firearm.

Entry #2139
What Really Happened
People don't know about my charge in here because I'm ashamed about it, and it is not true, but on the outs, everybody in my hometown does attempt murder. Ain’t no joke, but it's only semi-true. It should not have been that, but only is due to a false witness, but that isn’t who I really am or what really happened. I won’t deny that I made some wrong choices, carrying a heater, but that was for my safety. Nobody asked me how I was doing, just what I was doing, and it was always making that easy and fast money, but if they asked me if I was good, it was always a yeah, because that's what they asked. But if they were to ask me on a deeper level, it would be I’m really not good, and I want to change and do good and get off the streets. But everyone I was around didn’t care because they were in the streets themselves, and I never brought it up because they wouldn’t want to hear it. I never tried to change by myself because I couldn’t or wouldn’t do it alone when everyone else was still in it, and that led me here and every day. I think about how everybody’s viewing me now when they don’t know the true story and what really happened that night, but it's alright, I know the truth and know I’m not how they're trying to label me and when I go home I’m going to prove that and get off the streets and change my ways in life to prove everybody wrong.

Entry #2140
Changing
My whole life I have been looked at as a bad kid. I've been viewed as someone who can't do good. I was 13 the first time I got locked up and I've been locked up about 4 or 5 times since. Now I'm doing a lengthy stay. When I get out I'll be 4 months away from 18 and if I get in trouble after that I'll probably end up being sentenced as an adult. I want to be able to prove that I can do good to those who always looked at me as a bad person and someone who can't do anything with their life. Not only to prove it to them, but to prove it to myself too. And I'm tired not being able to do things on my time, having to eat when the food is brought, shower every morning at the same time, not being able to go outside when I want, and not being able to walk out of my own room when I want. I've always said I've hated being home and having to listen to my dad, but this place made me just want to go home and just do what I'm told and go to school and graduate.

Entry #2141
Write Your Truth!
Willing to change!
Realizing my mistakes!
Inconsiderate of others!
Trying to understand!
Everybody is distant!
“You will always go back”!
Out of options!
Understanding my purpose!
Remembering my past!

Trying to forget!
Realizing my trauma!
Utilizing my options!
Trying to change!
Having commitment!