Entry #2044

Sometimes You Have to Kick the Darkness Til’ It Bleeds Daylight

I miss how I could be alone with my thoughts and my mind didn't leak darkness. 

Now I look in the mirror and see the edges coated with black. 

Every time I lay in a bed I stay awake sleeping. 

My eyes are open, but I see my nightmares replacing each other 

Overlapping

Rewinding

making me go crazy

I see my mistakes

I see my guilt

I see my pain 

and how no one knows how I feel

Then I wake up wishing it's all a dream

How my dad made me bleed 

and my mom made me cry

How the system left a scar 

and how I'm getting tired of hearing all these lies

I know I need to stand up and stop getting knocked down

I know I need to stay on my feet and fight for what I need

I know 

I know 

I know 

I know 

I know

But it hurts

I'm bleeding 

I'm crying 

I'm scared 

and I’ve got no one and everyone 

I'm alone and crowded

Entry #2045

The Chaos Leading to Now

When I was a kid my parents and parental figures were in and out of jail a lot. The first time I remember my parents going to jail I was about 6: my mom and dad got caught transporting drugs to Montana. They both went away for about a year and a half but eventually got out. After a lot of money towards lawyers and months on trial they got plea deals and got legally married in jail so they could come home together. 

As a kid that was so weird to me because I went to live with my sperm donor, also known as my biological dad, and he told me my mom and dad didn’t want me anymore and that they didn’t love me, so they moved away. I still think I’m a little stupid for believing him. I never trusted him or even called him dad. I eventually found out this wasn’t true after they got released and started to fight for custody and I started seeing them again. 

When my mom and dad got custody of me, my sperm donor went to jail for child abuse and drug charges and we got granted a restraining order so I didn’t see him again until I was about 11. In between then my mom went to jail for a couple DUIs and my dad also went to jail for domestic violence and drug charges quite a few times but he always got out in a few days because he usually wasn’t guilty. 

After my sperm donor came back into my life he was back in and out of jail and my mom went back in too and because of that I went to live with my grandma. It hurt me a lot to not have my parents around and when my dad died I kind of lost my mind because he was still there for me through a lot of it; many of the people who are close to me often talk about how much that changed me and how different I am as a result of it. 

After a year or two I went into foster care because my sperm donor made some poor choices that caused my grandma to give me up. I look back on those things and I don’t know how to feel about it. I remember thinking that I would never be in juvie and here I am locked up for worse charges than my parents and I’m lucky to be doing less time than them; it’s still a trip though because I never saw myself where I am today, but I feel like I owe it to the people who depend on me and the people I love to do better and learn from the mistakes that got me here. I’ll never forget hearing my best friend cry to me on the phone after I got sentenced. It gave me a different prospective and one that I think about often.

Entry #2046

Playing Cards in Daycare

Before I got locked up I knew a few homies that were incarcerated; they were in and out of county. Some of the homies even went to the pen. I honestly thought I was never going to get arrested. I always thought I was that smooth one. Not going to lie, being in here isn’t a big deal. OMM this **** is daycare but it is lowkey affecting my mom. She is hurting that I’m locked up.

Over here in this hall we wake up at 6 in the morning and work out from Monday thru Friday. We get the weekends off to rest. Then we come back to the pod at 7 am to take showers then wait for the trays to show up so we can eat. We get 20 minutes to eat then we go down until 8:30. When 8:30 hits we go out to P.E and that’s when school starts. We do school until 2:50 and then we got program from 3-5. At 5 dinner comes. We eat, go down, then come out at 6:15 and just kick back, make calls, or we just sit in the classroom to slap some music and play cards. Sometimes me and the homie write a bit.  We damn near do the same **** every day though.

Entry #2047

Who was I? Who am I? 

Five years ago I was 11. I thought I knew my mom. 

Five years ago I laughed at my cousin for having a baby at 16 and listened to the whole family gossip about her. 

Five years ago I was an honor roll student. 

Five years ago I swore up and down I would never end up in jail. 

Five years ago I wanted to stay as far away from weed as I could. 

Five years ago I WANTED to go to college. 

Five years ago I wanted to make everyone around me happy and proud. 

Five years later I found out I was adopted at 7 months. 

Five years later I had my son on December 24th. He is my biggest blessing. 

Five years later I didn't go to school all 9th grade year after getting a C- on an assignment. 

Five years later I smoke weed. 

Five years later I'm sitting in YDF writing this letter as an S-1. 

Five years later I want to graduate High School and be done. 

Five years later I don't give a ****.

Entry #2048

I Saw My Dad Today

I saw my dad today. I was just trying to ask for directions. I was on the golden bridge trying to get to old town. All I had to do was go left and I would be there, but I didn't know where I was going, so I went right. As I was walking up to some homeless people, the really dark bald headed guy with the bike started to look more familiar the closer I got. 

As soon as I asked the black guy with the bald head and the bike where the old town was and he answered me, that's when it clicked. I screamed confused "DAD? "WHAT THE **** ARE YOU DOING HERE?" He was looking at me as if I was out of place - as if my head was on backwards. I haven't seen my dad since I was in elementary school. I said “Dad, it's me!” He said “I know who you are.” He gave me a hug and we talked.

Entry #2049

Changed

Me and my dad are extremely alike. Before I was ever locked up, I spent my life waiting for him to get out. It was always miserable and lonely. I've always been jealous of all “those kids” who had both of their parents and they presumably had happy lives. Looking back I never thought I'd end up being stuck between 4 brick walls unable to leave freely. It's crazy how much the tables have turned from always waiting to being waited on. I've never paid attention to how my behavior affected anybody else, but now it's easy to see. My son is being raised by other people because I never used my head. My siblings have avoided me completely because I chose drugs over family. I’m proud to say this place has changed me for the better, opened my eyes for sure. I'll be leaving here with many new skills and resources. 

Entry #2050

Ten Years Old 

I remember turning 10 years old. It seemed I was still so innocent.  It’s crazy how time flies. These whole last 5 years have been mad. 5 years ago is around the time I started experimenting with substances. I mean, I have vaped since I was 9, but 10 was when I smoked marijuana for the first time. I thought it’d be cool if I did it around friends, so it became a habit. And it has really ****** me up. Most of the time I get in trouble when I am under the influence. When I turned 13, after the 7th grade, I committed my first felony. I was out in the city with my uncle and got into a fight with another guy. The cops were called and I was sent to a juvenile detention center. I was only there a day and a half until I was transferred up north. I was released and got locked, again and again.  Here I am; people say I'll never change.  I tell them I HAVE CHANGED. Look how I'm doing in school. What about my behavior? Or my impulses? It’s a whole lot worse on other pods.

This means I've changed, and I'm still changing. And I've got my whole life ahead of me. I just have to take the skills I have learned and put them into play. And I can do that. All I need to do is try. This is not my final destination.

Entry #2051

All That Was Left

Growing up I had an unhappy life sometimes, and why I say sometimes is because I wasn’t always going through difficulties. When I was 2 my bio dad got locked up, then I had my step dad come into the picture and he raised me till 9. He left and took my little brothers with him. It was then I started becoming different. I used to call him every day for two months straight until one day I was like **** him and **** everything else. I started ditching the school bus, started smoking mom’s cigarettes and getting in fights at a young age. Then all that was left was me, my mom, and my anger.

Entry #2052

Rearview Mirror

At the age of 15 I was on a high-speed chase and crashed the car into the ditch. Now I’m in a Juvenile Detention facility on my own, introducing myself to a whole different environment than I was used to. I would have never thought that I would have ever come Juvenile Hall, because I thought that I was moving smart, doing the things that I had been doing. I’ve now been in juvie for 4-6 months and life is rough. I’m now looking at being incarcerated until my 25th birthday and it’s devastating knowing that I could miss 10 years of my life. Things have been so tough for me and my mom since I got locked up and things feel that they will never be the same. I feel like my mom’s the only one that is actually here for me. My closest friends don’t even text or call my mom and ask what’s going on or if I’m alright. My mom has expectations for me, but I neglected to even try to do the right thing for my mom. My friends and I got into drugs; they dragged me down to a point in my life that I was just trying to be someone that I really wasn’t. Sometime I think this is what it took for me to realize who I really am. My family members always told me the path I was taking was just going to lead me where I am today. I truly regret everything I have done and I apologize to the people I hurt mentally and physically. I really wish I could go back and listen to the people who really cared about me instead of the people that wanted me at my lowest.

Entry #2053

Questions

This picture people paint 

I know it ain't me 

I'm erasing my past but sometimes I wonder why it took juvie, to want to become a better me? 

I try so hard to escape 

but my demons somehow find a way to elevate this "room" they stick me in with a metal toilet and a metal sink 

It isn't home, but why did it take this to want to become a better me? 

These questions I ask myself will always live in me 

but only my actions can lift me

These steps I'm taking 

My past I'm erasing 

but why did it take timed showers and collect calls to want to become a better me? 

I’m realizing a lot behind these walls 

I took my family for granted 

I'd do anything to hug my baby siblings 

but why did it take getting locked behind closed walls to want to become a better me?

I should have stayed in school 

thought smoking and drinking was cool 

but why did it take juvie to want to become a better me?

Only my actions will answer these questions I repeat to myself daily.

Entry #2054

ADAPTATION 

No matter how good I try and do 

they’re still going to talk about the wrong excuse 

me Imma rapper 

it's hard to change my flow up in this poem 

I'm adapted to this street life from a place they show no love 

left me at my lowest I don’t give a **** cause Imma thug 

sorry for my language but that part just hit different 

where I'm from it's hard to make it out 

you’re facing death or a life sentence every birthday 

I make it count cause half my brothers ain't see 18 

raised on MLK cause I know that I have a dream 

DA going to judge me by my past 

I carried on cause that ain’t me

Mom accepts me for who I am 

even though I made a lot of mistakes 

just give me one more chance

I promise I’m gonna be great 

all these people think they’re real but salt and sugar look the same 

they say one pill can kill 

when my brother died my feelings faded 

hope one day I leave to travel and see new places 

I’m tired of the anger that I hold in 

I just can't take it 

was taught to never look back

having problems you gotta face ‘em

Entry #2055

Locked Up

My foster sister has been incarcerated. I sent her letters. We weren’t very close. I did wonder what it was like to be locked up. My foster sister told me it wasn’t very fun. She’s been locked up twice and because she was on probation she could be locked up anytime and be sent to juvie. I never thought I would go to juvie. It never crossed my mind that I would be where I am today. Me being locked up affects my family. My mom gets worried about me. My older brother gets worried too. I also worry about my family as well. I miss them so much. 

Entry #2056

Second Chances

       Five years ago, I was running the streets and thinking I was the ****, often getting into fights. I remember robbing kids for their money and weed. I thought that I was going to be the man with the money. I would say from the first time I got locked up that my life would not be the same. 

       Now that I’m doing time I can focus on changing my life, work on school, and fix my relationship with my family and mom. Five years from now I see myself going to college, having a good relationship with my family and mom, and excelling in life. Looking back at all the things I was doing, I now know that it was not the right thing to do. I know in life there can be second chances even if you don’t believe in yourself.

        So, before I was locked up I remember my uncle that got life. He told me, “The first time you get locked up your life will be changed forever, even if you don’t think so, it will put you in hell.” I would agree that life has not been the same since I got locked up. But from my perspective it is not “hell,” because some things are actually better since I have been here.

Entry #2057

My Whole Life, Fighting

Pain. That’s something we all feel. Most of the time it’s our motive for the things we do. Questions. I have a lot of those. Why aren’t I enough? Why me and my family gotta struggle? Why don’t certain people take the time to visit me? If I learned anything being locked up it’s that people are going to do what they want regardless of what you feel. As I’m getting closer to getting out, I have that nervous feeling. So much has changed and it’ll take a while for me to adjust. They say to not worry about what the future holds and just focus on the present but what happens when you don’t want to be there. I am grateful for my incarceration because without it, I wouldn’t know or love myself. 

Lord save me swear I’m stuck up in this deep depression

The way I’m living you know it’s mando to keep a weapon

Wanna make it to the point where momma no longer stressing

She see me as her baby, they see me as a felon

But I ain’t trippin, I’m pushing pulling & strivin

They say be optimistic but my whole life I been fighting

You told me it was unconditional, the whole time you was lyin

 It’s mistakes of a gangsta I ****** up a countless of times

Entry #2058

The Old Me 

Five years ago I was 10 

I had lost my dad 

I became somebody I didn’t want to be 

I went to jail for something I did not do 

Right now, I'm doing a lot better in life 

I hope one day I make it out of the hood 

and go somewhere and have some cute kids and a happy family of my own 

and live somewhere away far away and have a good love life 

and make my mom and dad proud of me and make them love who I became

Entry #2059

What Was the Point?

They say they’re sorry and they’re not going to do it again, they say they’re going to do a lot but they never do, why can’t they just do what they say their gunna’ do? What was the point in lying about something so simple? Was it to make yourself feel better? Cuz that’s how you made it seem! It sucks because while your over there feeling good about lying to yourself, I’m just sitting here feeling dumb for believing the lies, and hurt, because why lie to me? I thought you’re supposed to be honest to the ones you love! But I guess that didn’t apply to you. You made it seem like a lot of things didn’t apply to you. Why did you lie? Especially about something I already knew. What was the point in that? I didn’t see one! You’re where all my trust issues started! You’re the person that had started a lot of my issues, which is crazy because you don’t even know about them. It’s like you hardly even know what’s going on with me and it’s crazy because that’s how it’s been my whole life.

Entry #2060

The Way I Grew Up

Growing up was hard. Ma was on drugs. Pops was locked up. Step dad beat us. I was always outside cause’ home didn’t feel safe. I started Za at like 7 or 8. Started drinking at 12 and that’s where my getting in trouble with the law started. One day me and the homie got drunk, ran into a smoke shop and grabbed a lot stuff. I was only 12 years old. Grand Theft, a felony and I’ve been on probation since. I’ve been locked up 8 times. Been messing up since: bigger crimes, more VOPs, and more time. Now I’m here in this cell all alone, hurt, and full of regrets.

Entry #2061

Unlocked Cars

Well five years ago I was hanging out with my cousin, smoking weed. We’d walk around town, just chillin. We were together all the time and did everything together, including going to the same school. When we started getting older, we started hanging out less and went to different schools. We started doing our own things in life. He went to his school and got good grades and I didn’t go to school and eventually got kicked out and did whatever I wanted: I started smoking a lot more, trying pills out, and other drugs. I got kicked out of my home while my cousin was still enrolled in school, still getting good grades and living with his family. He got to go do things such as going to water parks or carnivals, fun things like that while I was stuck in my town with nothing and nobody. 

I eventually had to steal food for myself and had no warm places to stay, so I would find open cars and sleep in them. My aunt found me on the streets and offered me to come and stay with her, so I did. I would go to work with her and get some money that I would eventually spend on drugs. She tried to get me to go to school but I wouldn’t. I would disrespect her because she constantly told me how to do things and I wasn’t use to people telling me what to do. She kicked me out after all the times I disrespected her and when she did I had all my stuff there like my clothes, shoes, money, etc. I waited about a week or so before I went back to get my things and when I did go back I found out my sibling stole all my money and my clothes. 

I was so mad and had no place to go once again. So I said **** it, and decided to suck it up and listen to whatever people told me. I was tired of having no place to go and nobody to rely on. I hit up my brother, told him my situation and he instantly took me into his care. I started going to school and even stopped doing pills and just smoked weed. I got a job and started working on cars with my brother. He took me out of town to go see my other family that I never met. They spent money on me to get me nice new clothes. Then, I robbed someone, ending up here.

Entry #2062

In a Box

In 5 days, I go to CAMP. I’ve been locked up a few times and this time it’s the first time it’s going to be semi long term. I’ve had family incarcerated. I used to answer phone calls coming from prison. I could hear the sadness in their voices. It was normal in my life, pressing numbers to answer the phone, but when it started happening to me I felt really weird. Visiting family from behind glass and through a phone felt normal when I was a kid, but now the roles changed and it’s strange. I didn’t see myself locked down in a box. I saw myself having a normal life. I could see the sadness in my grandma’s face when she first visited me, it hurt. I hate being locked up; I don’t want to live like this, so when I heard the judge say my max could be 25 years it was shocking. They wanted to try me as an adult, but they didn’t and I’m glad. I have my girl waiting for me. I hate being in a box. This **** sucks. All my life I didn’t have much to live for, so I would be wilding out. But now I have my girl and I’m going to be down for a minute. 

Entry #2063

Changed Man

I’m a changed man

From five years ago

I used to just run amuck 

thought I’d never get 

caught for my actions 

I thought I had good luck.

But look, this ****

it aint a game no more

They were trying to get me

Like every time before

Three years good behavior,

In and out of here.

I have changed my ways,

and If I had thought 

of my actions

I wouldn’t have to stay.

I should be leaving this place

But I guess everything 

Happens for a reason

That’s just what I say

looking at my past seasons.

I should have known my route 

was headed straight to juvie-

Now I know better,

Will make better choices on the outs.

I am a changed man 

from five years ago

and I deserve freedom

more than you know. 

Entry #2064

Where I'm From 

I'm from the hood. The north side where you see a lot of people die. Every other day somebody dies where I'm from. I grew up in that **** so I know how it feels to lose someone to guns. I took a lot of loss in life. I'm still trying to find out why it had to be them. I was shot at, at the ages of 4 and 6. That made me feel like it was my time to go, but God said no. The way I look at it, I need to pray to better myself and make it out the hood the same way my dad made it out. I can do the same - make it out and never look back. When I make it out, I'm never gonna go back to the hood. Live the life I want to and don't go back. Look up every other day to see what's going on in the world and make my dad proud of who I am. I still ask God why he took my dad away from me, but I know he needed my dad more than I did. Growing up, I never knew what death was until I got older. It hit me more when I lost my lil sister. I cry everyday asking God why he took the ones I love away from me, but he needed them more. 

Entry #2065

My Reality

I’m tired of being incarcerated 

I’m tired of being in a cell

My mind is like a warzone 

I feel like I’m in hell

I’ve seen a lot of terrible things

I’ve been around evil people

I don’t want to end up like them

I don’t want to make a sequel

I’ve seen people overdose on meds

I’ve seen people be filled with lead

I want to change my lifestyle badly

I don’t want to end up dead

I’m tired of living life like this

I really want to do good instead

I’ve lived in awful environments 

I’ve been around ******** up people

But just because we are both human

That does not make us equal

#FreeMe

Entry #2066

Shiestys On, Fighting Crime

I miss the days when I was out. I miss the fun. I miss chilling with the homies, smoking n drinking. I miss hanging out with my brother. We have so many funny memories together. A couple weeks ago I called him and we were just reminiscing on those times. I started laughing so hard I was tearing up. I know it might sound weird but I miss my mom scolding me for being a dumb ass, committing crimes. I remember one time me and my cousin went out in the middle of the night doing whatever we felt like doing. When we came back my mom busted out of her room and started tripping. I just told her we were “putting our shiestys on and fighting crime.” She couldn’t help but laugh and go back to her room. In reality we were the ones committing crimes. My cousin might as well be my best friend because we would do everything together. I’m glad I’m not alone while I’m in here. I got one friend in here with me and another coming soon. I’m not glad they’re in here, I’m just glad I got someone to talk too. If I was out right now and not on probation I’m sure I would be with my brother creating more funny moments with him. I swear sometimes I feel like my life’s a movie. It sure feels like it sometimes. 

The streets is all I know so now I know that’s where I’m supposed to be

I started being bad n hit the streets so mom would notice me

All these people hella fake one day they n then they ghostin me

It’s hard to tell who’s real so I gotta keep the hope in me

Entry #2067

Trembling Anxiety 

It’s hard to hide.

I try to always abide.

There’s my tide..

Trembling and heavy, 

My breathing hurts.

Inhale….exhale.

Oh ****, I need to bail.

I forgot..I can't, I'm in jail.

Crap, my mind just remembered that song: Sail.

Yikes, another redirection..I think I’m gonna fail.

Wait, don't say that.

Your turn to bat.

Don’t play like a rat.

There's rain on the window..

“rat-a-tat-tat”.

I love the heavy storms, they aren’t slow.

What pretty memories, just like a crow.

Oh I forgot, aren’t those disliked?

It’s whatever, shows over, take a bow..

Entry #2068

Actions Speak Louder Than Words 

show me the truth 

I think about you late at night 

like are you really down to ride? 

I hate wasting time 

what are we doing if we ain't here to stay? 

expecting the worst but hoping for the best 

shit what are you a court date? 

I feel I overthink too much about you 

but I mean it when I say I love you 

feds try to push us apart 

but when we get out we’re for sure gonna elevate 

hope this is 50/50 

can’t be one sided even if we can’t talk right now 

I hope I'm on your mind 

I want you to want me, but sometimes I feel you’re playing me 

I told you just be real with me 

if you’re loving on me don't go loving on no one else 

I know we’re both stuck in this facility 

but do you ever think about me?

I’ve been told you stand on loyalty 

I just want to see you shine 

wait till we’re out 

we’re gonna elevate 

might as well call us Bonnie & Clyde

I’m still wondering: are you really down to ride?

Entry #2069

Keeping Me Out of Trouble

       My mom was locked up. It was hard for me to see my mom incarcerated because it was the first time that had happened to me. My mother was the only one keeping me out of trouble and after she got incarcerated I chose to live on my own. When that happened, I started to do drugs like meth for a little, then stopped and switched to drinking. I started to drink a lot more than I could handle and at the time I was walking around town late at night past curfew but at the time I didn’t care. I thought I would get arrested because I thought I was the best at being a criminal and now that I am in the JRF I don't think my family knows that I got locked up. The thing that sucks most is that I can't see my little sister and my mom because my mom has chosen drugs over her son.

Entry #2070

I Remember

I remember me playing outside with my lil sisters and brother. Now I'm in Juvenile Hall. If I was home, I know my lil sisters would never be talking to our mom crazy. 

I remember having my freedom. Now I don't know what it's like to be free anymore. 

I remember getting that call when my dad passed. 

I remember it like it was yesterday. I know a lot of **** that I say I don't know. 

I remember my big sister telling me my real mom was in jail for the rest of her life. I know she ****** up but I still got love for her. 

I remember getting shot at because I was somewhere I shouldn’t have been. 

I remember going to Juvenile Hall for the first time and I told my family I wasn't going back and that one time turned out to be in and out several times. 

I remember going into that courtroom saying I'm going home and then I didn't go home. I remember it all. I just want my freedom back. I’ve been here for 2 months now. I still hear my lil sister ask me on that phone, “Where you at sis?” and me saying, “I'm in a bad place somewhere you don't wanna be.” My sister said, “Okay, I love you! Call you back.” I cried that night. I should never have to lie to my sister, but it is for the better. 

I remember it all. 

I just want my freedom back and to be home with my family.

Entry #2071

My Thoughts

What I have been thinking about while I'm doing time here is that I want to go home and do much better and to stay out of jail. I want to do good for my mom and to stop hanging around the people that have been doing bad things that got me in. In the end, they are not doing time with me. I know that I can do better. I can do better for my mom and for my sis and brother. I keep leaving that house, but I'm getting help on that so I know I can do better when I go home. I hope to go home on the 16th of May, but I know I can do good when I get up out of here. One more thing is that I've been getting in so much more trouble because the people that I’ve been around are not doing me any good, so I know now that I need a new friend to hang around. That’s what I’ve been thinking about while I'm here.

Entry #2072

Learning

Before I was ever locked up, who did I know that was incarcerated? I know my older brother was; he is doing fifteen years in prison. What I think about him serving time is this: you do the crime, you gotta do the time. But I thought it sucked he had to be in there. Does this mean I thought I was ever going to be locked up? To be honest, no. But I got myself into something I shouldn’t have, so now I am here. How is incarceration affecting my family? It’s hitting them hard, me too. I have never been away from them for over a week, so it weighs heavy on everyone. This place has changed me big time, though. I have learned self-control and how to calm myself when something upsets me. I have also learned that fighting and talking **** to people isn’t the right way to handle my anger. I am doing the best I have ever done in my life.