Entry #2011
Make Sense After
Not gonna lie, I wish I could have started this a long time ago
but it’s a little hard when you have no one to support you and no resources to
help you do it. That’s why I like it in here, because all the staff want me to
be better and I feel like it’s the little push I needed to actually want to.
It’s nice because we have groups that help us and I feel like it’s
helping me a lot. I feel like I’ve learned a lot already. There’s still a lot I
don’t understand, but it’s ok I have a while to figure it out. I heard this
quote and it’s that, “FAITH IS BELIEVING BEFORE WHAT WILL ONLY MAKE SENSE AFTER,”
and I like it because I feel like it relates to my goal to be a better me. I
still don’t really know or understand why I want to, but in the end I feel like
it’ll make more sense.
Entry #2012
Locked Up
Locked up, is
like being
Suffocated.
Suffocation-
feeling trapped
and oppressed.
I feel like
I can’t catch my
breath.
The sensation of
being
overwhelmed-
like a big weight
on
your chest.
I can close my
eyes
but I never rest.
These walls that
close
me in-
they’re sometimes
foe
other times,
friend.
Their white
bricks offer comfort
Until the
desperation
sinks in.
Entry #2013
Come to Find Out
Growing up I never lived with my mom or dad; I was in and out of
foster homes. I got tired of bouncing back and forth from houses with people I
didn’t know, so I ran away from the system. I went and lived with the homies
for a few years. When my 14th year hit and I got in contact with my
mom and she said “I have to do paperwork to get you back,” but I didn’t really
know how I felt about that.
A couple months after she told me that information she got custody
of me. I moved back with her when I was 14, about to be 15, not knowing her
very well. But come to find out she’s a good parent to have. She might have a
bad history but the fact is she got things right to get her kids back.
Entry #2014
Best Year
2024
is starting good, I should be getting
out soon. I want to throw away all of my bad sins I’ve done and start fresh.
I’m going to let go of all my bad habits- stealing, fighting, and robbing,
which furthered my incarceration. I’m starting by successfully getting out of
the Hall and getting off of probation.
I’ve been setting some goals for
myself, such as being a loyal father and being there for my child. I’m going to
change my ways and be with my girl forever. I want to make my family proud and
happy with my progress. This is going to be a good year. I’m going to defeat my
problems and be successful. I’ve been locked up, but I’ll be out soon.
Entry #2015
Dear Uncle
I wish you could read this but you are not here. When I get out I
will burn it to hope my message finds you, because I cannot give it to you. I’m
going to tell you something you didn’t know about me before you left us.
What you should know is that when you left, it was hard for me to accept
you were gone. It was also hard for the rest of the family too, but mostly mom.
When mom drinks, she always talks about you and it is hard to see her cry. I
try to help her when she cries. It’s hard for her to handle losing you, because
you are her only brother.
I cannot lie: I needed you for a long time. My life changed when
you left us. I started getting into trouble to the point where I got locked up
for a long time. If you were here, you would have beat the **** out of me if I
got locked up for stealing or something.
Like I said, I will burn this message so you can see.
Entry #2016
Differences
I hope to create a better person in myself this year and catch up
on school, earning my credits for all the time I missed. If I was to have a
do-over I wouldn’t have gone out and did what I did. The things I’ll say goodbye
to is the alcohol because I can’t control my actions when I’m under the
influence. A goal I want in life is to work as a lineman or work for the union
and I would make it happen by focusing and working hard. If I was to succeed it
would feel good.
My parents are cool. My mom raised me while my dad was on drugs,
stealing cars, and doing dumb shit. The difference between my mom and dad is
that my mom works hard on her parenting while my dad just does what he does and
doesn’t help or anything. Yes, I would parent differently. I don’t want my kids
to be like me and do dumb shit and smoke weed and drink alcohol.
My parents aren’t together. They split up when I was 2 or 3 and no,
they were never married. I love how my mom works hard and tries as much as she
can and tries to get me whatever I want. I wish my dad would just stay out of
the way and get a job and not do the drugs.
Entry #2017
Changing the Cycle
Sitting at home
alone again
waiting for you
to come tuck me in.
I sit in the
window, watching the cars drive past
It usually takes
a couple hours until I realize
that you have
different intentions.
It’s as though we
don’t know how to talk
because we always
scream
You must not have
noticed, but that caused
mental illness.
You posed as good
parents
but between you
and me
I don’t think you
actually wanted me.
Being a good
parent is not much work-
it takes a lot of
patience and good communication,
love and
affection even when you are
stressing.
I must step up
and take responsibility
as I now have a
son who’s counting on me
It’s time to
change the cycle, though I’m only
sixteen.
I will make sure
my son feels loved,
protected
and never
neglected.
I know you hope
that I will not succeed-
but thank you for
showing me
who not to be.
Entry #2018
Them Fools
This year I hope to finish school, graduate, and get into college,
you feel me. A change that would be made is some of the people I used to hang
with I’m for surely cutting off: the people that aren’t here for me when I
really need them. Like fools can’t even put money on the phone or answer a
three-way call. It’s crazy how some girls be sending letters and be putting
money on the phone when these so called friends can’t even bother hitting up my
mom to see if I’m doing alright. I would be saying good-bye to them fools.
Entry #2019
My Parents
All my life my mother has been there for me more than my father has
ever been. My mother demands and earns respect and kindness. Having lots of
respect for the people around you can help you in the long run in many
different ways no matter how you see things in your own eyes. Being negative
can affect you and the people around you and drag people down into feeling bad
about themselves. My father thinks much differently, he thinks no matter what
is said or done it shouldn’t matter much or affect anyone around you in anyway.
When I become a parent, I’m going to teach my kids much differently than my
mother or my father. I want my kids to be respectful but never be walked on.
I’m going to raise my kids much different because of my experiences growing
up. Me and my father are no longer close
anymore because of family issues. My favorite thing about my relationship with
my mother is the connection and the ability to open up to my mother and tell
everything.
Entry #2020
The Escape
Sometimes you need to get away from yourself/other people. Most
people would listen to music, watch a movie, smoke, talk to someone, get on
their phone, etc. One thing that I’ve
learned to do to get away while being locked up is reading. A lot of people like to read, but most don’t.
I was part of the people who didn’t like to read, but I’ve learned that reading
can be an escape from everything, especially when people are talking crazy to
you. Once you open up the book you get
lost in it and it’s like you are not yourself, and living the life of the main
character.
Entry #2021
Let Alone Three
My parents weren’t the best in the world. I can even bet you that
they wouldn’t be the best at show of “PARENTS OF THE WORST KIND!” They would
have needed to be on something like, “TERRIBLE PEOPLE WHO SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD A
KID, LET ALONE 3.” My father has been the one I’ve lived with most of my life
and to be honest it was great at first. But then we drifted apart which may
have been for the best because I would have never been able to become who I am
today without my flaws and past history.
Now my mother on the other hand was someone who really was never
around. I mean, she tried to be, but she has a lot of her own problems. She
can’t really help the fact that she’s crazy or maybe she is just lying about
that too. That’s just who she is and how she’s always been. But hey, I still
love them more than anything in the world. My momma tried her best with my
brothers and myself but she just couldn’t handle us one day and gave up. That,
I do kind of blame her for because I just don’t think it should be that easy to
let go of someone that you are responsible for bringing to life. I wasn’t raised
in the right ways so now I’m struggling in life, and I do believe strongly that
if I was raised differently I would be a lot more successful.
My parents haven’t really been together since I was young. My
parents were married for a second time, a month after I was born. My dad left
my mom for our babysitter, 2 years later after my little brother was born. So,
now, they have three kids: my oldest brother, me, and our little brother. Yup,
that was us, a stepmom, a dad, and sometimes a mom.
What I have always hated with both of my parents and now my third
one, was that no matter what, I was always identified to be the smaller version
of my mom. That was a really messed up thing to say, because I know that I
would have done so many things differently and not ever would I make the same
mistakes that woman did.
Entry #2022
Starting Over
I’m 15 years old I’ve been locked up for a couple months. I think I’ll
get out in 6 months to a year. When I do I will go live with my aunt and start
over. I miss the outs. I hope I don’t get in trouble again. I also hope I
succeed in life. At home I live with my mom and two brothers. We also have a
Frenchie.
Entry #2023
Incorrectly Correct
To succeed is
something I feel is phrased correctly, but incorrectly. I feel it can be said
“to succeed” or “to be content”. Both are alike, but to succeed is to read a
goal, to be content is to continue succeeding, but to enjoy where you are at
life. For myself to view things as a success, I would first have to feel it.
Feeling content with the job I may have, is a view of success. Saving and spending
reasonably is another thing. To know I can handle things with or without
support openly and honestly “want” to do so, is success. Finding the time I
spend with work, education, self-care and relations, as well as reasonably and
comfortably divided is success. Being able to get through the rough areas, not
with ease, but time and patience to continue growing into who I enjoy being, is
success. Life can be a lot of things, but being where I enjoy and want to be to
grow into who I love being, that is success.
Entry #2024
2024
This new year is 2024. If I can create something I would create a
better bond with my family. Or maybe I could create bonds with new people. If I
had a do-over/a clean slate, I would create myself to be a better person. I
wouldn’t hang out with the same people I do today. Create a life I want before
it’s too late. If that was possible I would be saying goodbye to my brothers,
my dad…everyone really. The goal I would set for my future self is to make the
most out of everything in my life. You may never know when you will lose it. It
would look like the best day of my life to know I can accomplish these things.
Entry #2025
On a Stage
If I were given a clean slate I would think about my past choices,
a lot more specifically, keep my mind on positive things. If that happened I
would definitely be on a stage rapping a song that anyone being thrown through
the ringer will relate to. Drugs is only one of the things I would say goodbye
to, having a choice. I would be getting my whole family into big houses, nice
cars, and giving them lots of money. I know that writing and singing/rapping my
songs will take me and my family out of current situations such as poverty,
unemployment, and hopelessness.
Entry #2026
Dad Taught Me Well
What makes a
parent is always being there for their kids and giving good advice. Also, by
getting them to learn how to make fires, food, and money and how to teach them
to work on cars and work hard. My mom was never there for me or my siblings. My
dad was there and is still there for us. My dad may have been hard on us boys
but we benefited from it because of how hard he made us work. Sure, he beat our
*** when we got in trouble. It made us think about our choices and that is how
it is sometimes. My dad taught me well other than me choosing to do wrong. Now
I have to be somewhat the same with my kids so hopefully they don’t do the same
**** I was doing.
