Entry #1953

To Do Right
If you knew me, you would know I was a wild and troubled kid.
You would know that my dad never cared.
You would know I was in the system my whole life.

You would know my mom was everything to me.

If you knew me, you would know I love my sisters.
You would know I care.

If you knew me, you would know I am disloyal in relationships.
You would know I count on only myself.
If you knew me, you would know my sisters are in CPS.
You would know my mom is trying to do better.
If you knew me, you would know all of this happened because I was selfish and did whatever I wanted.
You would know I am not good with money.
If you knew me, you would know I support my mom through her bad times.
You would know I live with my grandma and she’s always there for me.
You would know I did lots of stuff to hurt my family but I am trying to do right.
If you knew me, you would know I have a bad temper.
If you knew me, you would know I am locked up in juvenile hall right now.

Entry #1954
With or Without Help
If you really knew me, you would know that I’m not what people say about me.
You’d know that I’m kind, loving, and I care so much about others that I almost forget that I need to help myself as well.
You’d know I’m completely broken and I need someone here for me every day or I feel I’m helpless.
You’d know I try so hard every day to keep fighting, but I’m struggling, bad.
If you knew me, you’d know that I didn’t have the luxury of a mom and dad to cry to everyday. You’d know that my loss of parents is the reason I am the way I am.
If you really knew me, you’d know I don’t want to be like my parents,
You’d know I want to prove the world wrong and be the best version of myself with or without help.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I don’t want friends, I want someone to hold me and reassure me that it’s going to be okay, and tell me they love me, just for once.
If you truly knew me, you’d know I’m still figuring out why I exist, and why God put me here. What’s the point of staying alive if there’s nothing to keep fighting for?
You’d know I have a soft spot for everything and everyone.
When I get out of the hall, everything is going to be different because I don’t have anything to go to when I get out, there wouldn’t be a reason for me to come back.
If you knew me, you’d know that I’ve changed.

Entry #1955
Scarred
If you really knew me you would know I’ve been through more **** then most grown adults, you would know I’m traumatized from what happened that day,
If you really knew me you would know I think about him and my other dead homies more than anything,
If you really knew me you’d know I’m mentally messed up and scarred from what I’ve been through,
You’d know I’ve been abused since a young age,
If you knew me you’d know that’s not really the case anymore.
If you really knew me you’d know I’ve had to walk in on my dad shooting up or twisting the pipe,
You’d know I broke the cycle of drug addiction in my family,
If you really knew me you would know my mom kicked me out at the age of fourteen,
You’d know I was living in the streets for months on end,
If you really knew me you’d know I put my pain in the songs that I create,
You’d know I feel like dying every day,
You’d know I try my hardest to not express my emotion,
If you really knew me you would know I turned to the streets at the same age I was kicked out,
You’d know I want to change that old mentality,
If you really knew me you would know I want to start a family when I get out,
You’d know I’m changing for my life, the one I love, and my best friend.

Entry #1956
The Road I Went Down
If you really knew me, you would know family comes first.
If you really knew me, you would know I have been stabbed in the back by the people I love the most.
If you really knew me, you would know my parents haven’t been there for me and my brothers - for a time I raised my brothers.
You’d know I had to take care of the people that should have been caring for me.
You’d know I have been in and out of juvie for two years.
You’d know I have been angry all my life and most of my mistakes have come from this place.
If you really knew me, you would know the last time I was in love, she took her life.
If you really knew me, you would know I stay in my own lane, focused on myself and what I can achieve.
You’d know I truly hope my brothers don’t go down the road I went down.
If you really knew me, you would know I have a plan to be looked at as a whole different person and I will fulfill it.

Entry #1957
Raising Myself
If you really knew me, you would know my life was s****,
you would know I never had a dad,
you would know I lost friends and family to gang violence,
you would know I’m easy triggered,
you would know I was in CPS for 11 years,
you would know I was 13, living at a park, robbing people and robbing stores to eat and have clothes on my back,
If you really knew me, you would know I live the life I live right now because I raised myself and I turned to the streets and hopped in a gang so I could feel like I have people that loved me,

If you really knew me, you would know I don’t talk to people about what I go through or talk to people about the pain I go through,
If you really knew me, you would know I was 9 years old smoking weed,
If you really knew me, you would know I only lived with my real mom for a year out of my 16 years alive,
you would know I wasn’t able to live with her because she was in and out of jail/prison,
If you really knew me, you would know I lost my closest homie to a shootout in the hood.

Entry #1958
Avoiding Disease
One thing that I’ve noticed about jail is that a lot of people, even the adults, ask a lot of questions to which the answers seem pretty obvious. How are you? Not great. Why aren’t you showering? I don’t want a venereal disease. Why aren’t you eating? It looks like my puppies had an accident on the tray. Why don’t you sleep at night? I have to sleep during the day in order to block out the never-ending and rarely ceasing screech of brain rotted street meat harpies. Duh!

Jail is like a terrible stew of everything that I hate most-swear words, drug users, dairy products, weak attempts to find hidden meaning in low-tier YA novels about the struggles of adolescence, living examples of the American obesity epidemic, and authority figures that sound more like middle schoolers that just discovered the F-word.

On the subject of low-tier YA novels, I’ve read two during my stay here that were set in boarding school. The funny thing about realistic fiction set in boarding schools, is that in the reviews on the back cover, there’s almost ALWAYS a reference to A Catcher in the Rye. Apparently, every single brooding teenaged narrator that goes to boarding school is the next Holden Caulfield. This manages to apply even if the protagonist is female, a gay Korean immigrant, or a secret spy for the USSR.

Entry #1959
Still Here
If you really knew me, you would know I’m a brat just for the hell of it.
You would know, I’m a balls to the wall or not at all kind of girl.
You would know I’ve been in love with drugs & dangerous men since I lost my dad to the system…but not because they make me happy, but because they make me feel alive.
If you really knew me, you would think I lost myself along the way, but in reality, I found myself. The funny thing about sinking way down to the bottom is that it makes you stronger.
And if you really knew me, you would know I wouldn’t go back and change a thing because losing everything I thought I loved and made me happy, made me appreciate and love myself more. At the end of every day, I know I haven’t lost everything because I’m still here.

Entry #1960
Distracting Myself to Heal
If you knew me you would know I’ve been through some ****.
If you knew me you’d know I’ve seen my dad hit my mom and drag my sister by her hair
You’d know I felt powerless because I couldn’t do anything.
If you knew me you’d know my homie passed away due to gun violence.
You’d know I was always drunk or high to avoid my pain and problems. You’d know I cope with things by distracting myself until I heal from it.
If you knew me you’d know that as a kid I would worry about my mom’s financial problems. You’d know my dad left when I was 11.
You’d know I’m a hard person to love.
You’d know I have trust and abandonment issues.
If you knew me you’d know I’d die or spend the rest of my life behind bars for my little brother. You’d know I had to grow up and do things on my own.
If you knew me you’d know I have a smile on my face even when I am going through the toughest times.
If you knew me you’d know I’ll stay solid to anyone that keeps it a hundred with me.

Entry #1961
Why I Did What I Did
If you knew me, you would know I want to get out.
you would know that I changed.
you would know I am misunderstood.
you would understand why I did what I did.
If you knew me, you would know the system is doing me wrong.

Entry #1962
Bullets and Glass
If you knew me you would know that I was raised by a single mom. You’d know my dad beat on my mom when I was a little kid and then he tried to come back into my life.
You would know I was raised in the slums.
You’d know no my mom tried her all to put food on the table.
If you really knew me you would know how my older cousins would beat me up when I was younger.
I remember going to the park as a youngin’, seeing bullets on the floor and broken glass near my feet. I was 12 taking guns and drugs to school. I hit 14 and got locked up for a violent crime.
If you knew me you would know at 15 I was hanging outside my house with my older cousins and one of them was shot in front of me.

Entry #1963
Sacrifices
If you knew me, you would know I love music and of all forms of art.
If you knew me, you would know I raised myself, my siblings, and even my own mother.
You’d know I hate any form of negativity, physical or not.
If you knew me, you would know I suffer a kind of pain I can never explain in words.
If you knew me, you would know my “father” is a soul I resent and never call by status or by name.
If you knew me, you would know the scars my body holds and carries is from choosing to protect my familia and take things I didn’t understand.
If you knew me, you would know I chose to sacrifice “my childhood” and innocence for my siblings and mama, so they could continue living without negativity or harm.
If you knew me, you would know I didn’t do those things for me, I did it for them because they deserve more than the world.

Entry #1964
A Restart
If you knew me, you would know I’m shy.
You’d know I love my niece.
You’d know that I am a people pleaser.
If you knew me, you would know I’m smart.
You would know I’m obsessed with mascara/eyelashes.
You would know sometimes I react out of anger.
If you knew me, you would know I’m selfish.
You would know I’m very impatient.
You would know my family and friends are the most important thing to me in life.
If you really knew me you would know I rarely think before I do.
You would know I’m nice.
You would know I love basketball.
If you knew me, you would know I want to restart and do better when I get out.

Entry #1965
By My Side
When I get out things will be different. This time I don’t want my family always talking to me over the phone, putting my girlfriend in situations where she has to wait to see me. Everyone says things will be different though. The reason I’m saying this is because if I keep doing things like stealing cars and fighting people all the time, it’s going to come to a point in time where I’ll lose a lot of close people who I love most in this world. My girlfriend, brother, sister, dad…I put them all through so much when I get locked up. My girlfriend I love very much, but it’s going to come to a point where she’s going to find a new person. Me getting locked up all the time and hoping she doesn’t find someone new is a lot to ask. Nobody wants to be with someone in an over the phone relationship. I think God is really going to help me change my ways and be the person my dad and family wants me to be. They don’t want me to be in an out of jail/prison my whole life. They want me to have a career for myself that they didn’t have. My family has all been in an out of the system from juveniles until they hit prison. They’ve all been through this lifestyle and want me to do better. I plan on doing myself when I’m out by getting a job, hopefully I can still get a license, and occupying my time any way possible. I won’t be kicking it with any of the homies anymore. I have to start going a different route for what’s better for me. God this time I ask you to be by my side and help me change my ways.

Entry #1966
Family First
If you really knew me you would know that I don’t like to be controlled by cops.
you would know that I like to ride motorbikes.
you would know that family is really important to me and I would do anything for them. I want to be there for them and help them with their needs and be there with them through their lives till I die. Family is the best thing in my life and I won’t ever do them wrong.
If you really knew me you would know my dream job is to be a firefighter.
If you really knew me you would know I want to help kids out when I get older because no one was there to for me. I just want to make kids happy and to get them the things I wanted.
If you really knew me you would know my family and my dog come before anything else.

Entry #1967
Rainy Days
If you really knew me you would know my family is my number one priority.
If you really knew me you would know if I had the grades I would still be playing ball right now. If you really knew me you would know I do stupid stuff when it has to be done.
You would know I love the rainy days.
You would know I use to live in the mountains.
You would know I got a lot of love for dogs and puppies or mainly any type of animal.
If you really knew me you would know I don’t like fake people.
You would know I’m not scared to lose people and be alone if there’s a reason for it.
If you really knew me you would know I don’t condone people being fake.
You would know I am a loyal person and that I do not tolerate disrespect.
You would know that I put my family over anything and every one no matter who it is.
If you really knew me you would know I don’t like when people judge before they know what they are talking about.

Entry #1968
Two Years of Change
If you really knew me, you would know, a lot of **** has happened to me.
You would know, I don’t let things get to me.
If you really knew me, you would know, I started running from my problems at the age of 11 and never really stopped.
You would know, I was involved with gangs due to my dad’s family and where we were from.
If you really knew me, you would know, I love to play football, baseball, basketball, and to ride skateboards and bikes.
You would know, I like to have fun with my family and go camping and swimming
If you really knew me, you would know, I’m trying to change my life from how it was in 2021.
You would know, I’m hoping to graduate high school and go to college.

Entry #1969
Trying
If you knew me, you could say I ******* up in life. You would know I had sex with a woman and had a baby with her.
You would say that I’m messed up in the head.
If you knew me, you would say that I’m a piece of ****.
You would know that I have hurt some people like friends and family.
If you thought you knew me, you would say that I’m a good person but if you really knew me you would know how fake I am.
If you knew me, you could say that I’m a thief.
If you knew me, you would know I’m trying to change.