So Much Has Changed
Let me awaken from this reality
I'm ready to face my mortality
I reminisce your scent, your voice, soft skin
Your smile glistened my soul within
When you left you took a part of me with you
Thus began my mental issues
I miss you…
We pray and worship this man above
I'm praying to get back the person we love
This loss and grief not only affected me
It ripped apart our once stable family
Couple years later so much has changed
Yet you will never be the one to blame
Daddy is losing his mind and weight
Before I know it, I'm following his toxic traits
Where is he now?
Nowhere to be found
Mom’s depressed
Constantly stressed
Our relationship, a mess
I'm sorry,
I love you,
I shouldn't have shoved you,
What is wrong with me?
In all honesty…
Only time I feel okay is the dopamine running through my
brain
Cigarette smoke keeps me sane
My violent acts releasing pain
Sleepless nights I drift away
Shadow people shift in uneasy ways
One vulnerable night a stranger took advantage of me
Now I'm ashamed, going insane, can't think with my brain
I feel so alone, scared, and unloved
Still begging God to answer my prayers, send blessings from
above
Finding excitement, love, with temporary men in the sheets
Then in a few months he'll be gone, I'll forget how we meet
I'm in and out of juvi cells
Blank spacing, heart hurting, eyes burning, this life is hell
The man making allegations to pin me down as a bad citizen
In reality I'm just a mad citizen
Mad that others have it easier than me
While I'm stuck living in poverty
I wish someone would care
This is so much to bare
But I'm hard to understand
I push help far, far away,
I'll regret it
Dad I hope you find your way
No matter how long, you'll find yourself again someday
Mom you're a blessing
I wish you'd quit stressing
You are smart and bold with a heart of gold
In time I pray I can patch myself up
Before it’s too late and I become corrupt
Please forgive me of my sins
For I have lost myself within
Lost my way and my mind
But in the end I hope I shine
I care so much about you both
I can't wait till one day I show you guys my growth
Entry #1822
Catching a Beast
I love to go fishin', being in the outdoors early in the
morning with a cool breeze making your eyes water. Getting ready for the trip
the day before, setting up your poles, getting your tackle all organized. Not
getting any sleep because you’re so excited to get out on the water. Fishin'
days are the best days. Coming home smelling like fish and power-bait. Every
single thing about the fishin' experience makes you feel free. Freedom. If only
I was free. I don't get to experience freedom anymore. I'm sitting in a box for
fourteen months wishing I had a life. One day though, one day I'll be back on
the lake early in the morning thinking I hooked onto a beast, but really it'll
just be a log. That's okay, because I'll be free.
Entry #1823
Clean
Over the past year I have gone through many things, most of
which were negative. The topic of my story is repeatedly drugs. I knew nothing
but drugs for the past year. It is something that I never want to experience
ever again. Along the way I lost myself, my friend, and family. I gained many
mental health problems along the way too. These include severe anxiety, severe
depression, bipolar issues, psychosis, and schizophrenia. Still to this day I
experience these problems. Sometimes they’re mild and other days they’re bad. Meth,
coke, and pills flipped my life. I really used to love getting high daily, now
I'm 55 days clean. The one that crushed me was losing my girlfriend. I used to
be very suicidal and had many overdose attempts. In 6th or 7th
grade, before I even started drugs I tried killing myself with my stepdads pharmaceuticals.
Four or five different bottles of pills, each a handful along with codeine.
From thinking about death and drugs 24/7 to going to school and getting my
diploma.
Entry #1824
Forgiving
My Dad
Dear Dad,
For all the times I called you and
You never answered, I forgive you.
For all the times you answered,
but never made a conversation, I really don’t know you.
You ask for me to fly on my own to Indiana
when you know you have the choice to go for me.
Why is it always about you?
My mom doesn’t speak nicely about you
She says you lie about the stupidest things
Like you saying you left my mom, when you’re in the wrong
You’re going to cheat on your wife who has two kids and one on the
way?
I know for a fact that you didn’t even witness my birth
Am I just that child you really didn’t want?
It’s really funny how I know you the least, but I want to talk to
you
My brothers want nothing to do with you
But I know you get uncomfortable when you talk to me
Because I’m really a stranger to you
I bet you know your friends more than you know my life
Now you have four children, three teens and a baby less than one
As you can see, you only claimed one. She’s only seven months.
What about your other children you’ve forgotten about?
I feel jealousy. My own blood takes my middle name?
You really are replacing me, just throwing me in the dirt
But I really can’t cry over you
It just doesn’t mean that much
You’re my dad, and I’m your daughter, that’s it
You see I don’t like you
But I don’t hate you
Because you gave me the life in this world
And I thank you
I know you can’t admit the crap that you did
But you know what? Your daughters going to forgive.
Entry #1825
Help
The person I was five years ago would of never thought about
getting involved in the shit I am in now. Sometimes I wish I could go back in
time to figure things out. I want to talk to my friends but their too far. I
just sit in my cell for what feels like eternity, but then I think back, this
may be my destiny. I hate being alone, I need to feel numb, but I wear a mask
so no one can know. I go to my family to get my way through, but they look at
me in a way like, "Who the hell are you?" Someone help I'm feeling
alone, I keep staring at these walls, trying to think where I went wrong. I
have no one to talk to. I have no trust, but someone just help, I can't stand
being alone.
Entry #1826
If the Clock Keeps
Ticking
I can't sleep
With all these demons in my head
Half the time I wish
I would have been left for dead
I can't sleep
When I think of all the people I've wronged
And how their struggle
I must've prolonged
I can't sleep
I just want to stick a needle in my arm
My probation officer and therapists
Call it self-harm
I can't sleep
Man I miss my boyfriend
It hurts to love someone
You might never see again
I can't sleep
I just want to get back to working the streets
There's money to be made
And I'm stuck in a cell
Tossing and turning under my sheets
I can't sleep
It's sad how happiness for me
Is only found in a pipe or syringe
Or a little baggie
It's hard to be positive
With all this pain
And all these demons in my brain
But I still pray to God every night
That I'm not completely insane
At the end of the day
If the clock keeps ticking
To me it's all the same...
Entry #1827
A
Poem to Myself
Somewhere
in this poem you’ll see a little girl standing in front of a locked door. She
didn’t intend to have an attitude, she was only 8.
Don’t try to rebel, it won’t get you anywhere.
Somewhere
in this poem you will watch my mom being pushed against our balcony. Our family
was broken and my Grandpa just took off.
Don’t cry over the imperfections of people. They’re not worth it.
Somewhere
in this poem you’ll find a bullied child in the classroom. She was weak at the
time and had nobody to turn to.
Do not keep to yourself, it will only hurt you more.
Somewhere
in this poem you’ll see a blade across her wrist. She only wanted to be loved
and wasn’t getting any of it.
Don’t break yourself, you’re all that you have.
Somewhere
in this poem you’ll see handcuffs on her wrists, her mom didn’t trust her, nor did
she feel safe in her presence. It had just been a few days after her birthday.
There was yelling and screaming and my brother heard all of it.
Don’t blame your blood, you did what you did.
Somewhere
in this poem you’ll see she got out, but then she came back and is back in the
system. Her family treated her like a dog on the street.
Forget them, if they want to be fake, let them be fake.
Somewhere
in this poem she’s cold in her cell, she wants to go home and take back time.
Nobody goes to her court dates and she feels alone in this world.
Don’t give up. You’re going to make it.
Entry #1828
Oh
Mama
Oh Mama, 1 musketeer, 2 musketeer, 3 musketeer, 4 musketeer
including me. How many more? 2 musketeers left in the islands. 2 musketeers
near me but so far. When I used to think God was real, I used to speak to them
in the stars. Oh Mama, where have you been? I have a lot of questions. Why did
you leave me in discretion? I know father was an abusive, dangerous man. A lot
of power without understanding the meaning of family. I know he hit you. I know
he caused you pain, but do I remind you of him? The way you yelled at me, is
that how much he put pain in you? I used to see it in your eyes: the need to
leave, the need to escape. Sometimes I feel the same way. Oh Mama, things you
don’t know. Once your little baby, now locked up in the cage doing things you
probably already seen. Your mi hijo is losing hope, missing his ma and his
hermanas and hermanos. Oh Mama, I musketeer, 2 musketeer, 3 musketeer, 4
musketeer including me. How many more? 2 musketeers left in the islands. 2
musketeers near me so far. When I used to believe in God, used to speak to them
in the stars.
Entry #1829
What
is A True Friend?
I’ve never known what a true friend really was. None of my
"friends" showed me what a true friend is. They would claim they’re
true friends, but they really couldn't put their money where their mouth is.
For example, every time it's time to do a drill or have their back, I would
stop what I am doing just to be there for them. When the tables are turned no
one was ever there for me when I needed them. People would always tell me when
you join a gang they show you the love your parents never gave you and give you
the loyalty you’re supposed to get from your family. In all reality your gang
will do you worse than your own enemy. I believe a true friend is non-existent.
It's a sad thing to believe but where I come from there is no such thing as a
true friend.
Entry
#1830
A
Good Mom
I believe what makes a good father\mother is being there for your
children(s). Also, children need parents to support them mentally and
physically. If they need you, never say no to your child and never give up on
your beautiful blessing. Help them grow up better than yourself. My mother was
always my mom and my dad in one. Mom always did the things that needed to be
done. She always had food on the table, clothes on our backs. She always did a
lot for us even if it felt like it was a little bit. She was always there for
me and my siblings. She never left us alone in our hearts. Even when things
felt like they were going down, she was always there to pick us up. My mom was
always a great mom to us, physically and mentally. I would like to be a better
father for my daughter. I don’t want to follow my dad’s footsteps and not be
there for my daughter. It could hurt her later on in her life also. I want to
be better than him and be a successful dad to my daughter and to my future
kids.
Entry #1831
Fighting
Demons
The last 5 years I’ve had probation gunnin’
It used to just be stealin’an runnin’
I got caught up in a sticky situation
At night I’m in my cell reminicin’ an prayin’
14th, 15th, 16th, 17th
18th birthdays locked down
My mama tells me daily that someday I’ll come around
She tells me I’m not the girl I used to be
Her and everyone else always expecting of me
But I’m fightin my own battles just tryna get freed
The DA tried to threaten me with prison
They said, “Let’s make a deal.”
But they already know I ain’t the one
I’ll take it to the grave cuz the pain of bein’ in here,
they don’t know how it feels
I had to cut off some close ones to be with some real ones
I don’t think of those days
Those memories are best kept away
I’m staying in here steady grindin’
The way my file’s goin’, I’ll end up in the P anyways
Entry #1832
What
Makes a Good Mother or Father?
My opinion of a
good parent or good parents is that their job is to make sure you are provided
with the stuff you need. They make sure you are loved and make sure you have
food in your stomach and clothes on their back and to have a roof over your
head, and to also have understanding of rules. These are some of my beliefs on
good parenting.
I would not be
able to fully explain what good parenting is because I never had good parents.
However, what I can say on my behalf is I take care of my daughter by giving
her everything she needs to make sure she succeeds. In addition, I give my baby
the life I never had as a young child. I show her I love and care. I teach her right from wrong and guide her in
the right direction. I also stay close to my baby girl because I want her to be
able to come to me without any hesitation or be scared to ask or talk to me
about what she is feelings or any problems she is having. I want my daughter to
know that I will always love her and would not ever leave her side if she were
in any type of situation, even if she is in the right or wrong. I would never
let my child feel she is abandoned or left out. I will always be her father and
I will not ever let her down. So this is me and my example of good parenting.
Entry #1833
A New Chapter
Five years ago I was walking in L.A. I was one of those
disrespectful kids who would jump people with my brothers and I would be
smoking everywhere I went. I still smoke everywhere I go but I have manners and
am respectful towards everyone I meet, it's a two way street. I have grown a
lot in the past five years I've been in the game for a long time and I've seen
friends and brothers die right in front of me. It really makes you take a step
back and think about what you’re doing, instead of leading followers to jail
and or dead I show you can make money the right way without the constant
thought of watching your back. There were times where I wanted to put a bullet
to my head and I had that brother to show me otherwise and I'm glad I had him
there. I want kids to learn from my mistakes and be better than I am. About
eight years ago, my little brother, back in Los Angeles, got stabbed and he
died in my arms that night. Me running with him dangling down in my arm to the
hospital but it was too late. Every day I wish it could have been me. I wish I
could have found him earlier. But it wasn't that way. I just have to move on
and live for him and be the best I can be for him. Three years ago when I got
injured with a bomb they ended up flying me to San Francisco and on the
helicopter. I lost a lot of blood and endured the trauma. There was a beautiful
sunset. I remember sitting there and then everything went silent and it was
just me and my little brother that had died years before watching the sunset. It
felt like hours and hours or maybe even days just sitting there watching. Then
everything went black and I woke up in the hospital with a pretty serious
injury. From that day on I realized it wasn't my time to go. I have so much to
live for and I can't leave this earth without making it right for my little
brother. Here I am in juvenile hall, but I can promise that I'm going to switch
my life around and be the best I can be with what I'm given. I don't have much
family, but I do have a girl that I can start my own family with. I love her
with everything that I am and ever will be, which gives me another reason to get
out of here and make it right. I’m ready to begin a new chapter in my
life.
Entry #1834
My
Mom
My mom is a really great mother. She is a truly intelligent and
outgoing woman. There is nobody like my mother in my eyes. She has always been
there for me and never left my side. She has a great heart and helps everyone
who needs anything. What makes her a good mother is that she has 6 kids and has
time for each one of us. She helps us all with our homework and makes us
delicious food even though sometimes we are picky and don't like the same
things. She makes everything possible.
When she has low income she makes things happen and really adores us all the
same way. Without my mother I wouldn't know what to do. I would be lost without
her. My mom helps her sisters, brothers and all of her family out who need her
at any time. No matter what, she is always there taking care of her loved
one's. She is respectful to everybody surrounding her and her vocabulary is
always on point, being very caring and joyful. One day I wish to be back with
my mother. She is the best parent I know. She goes through many things and
hangs on no matter how bad is the situation is. Everything she does for me and
my siblings will always be the best ever.
Entry #1835
Family Comfort
Years ago
I used to be a good kid. I used to go to church school and praise the lord. I
did everything I was told and how I was told to do it. I felt like a robot and
just wanted to make my own choices. I loved the lord but I wanted to do it on
my own and not be told to. Then I started making my own choices like 5 yrs ago,
it all went bad. First I started skipping school. Then I started messing with
girls at school and that's when I got expelled. My parents were pissed when I
got expelled and my dad and I got in an argument. I left the house. I was mad
at myself for dishonoring his wishes for me to do good. I started smoking weed
and robbing and then I started the heavier stuff. I started smoking meth and soon
got arrested. After I got out for the time, I thought I was invisible and
started slamming meth and heroin and that got me nowhere but heartaches. Now
I'm sitting here doing 14 months just wishing I could run back to my family's
comfort and not have a worry in the world again like when I was 10 or 12.
Entry #1836
No
Money
Did I have a lot
of money growing up? That answer would be no, I didn’t have a lot of money.
Money has affected my life a great deal. First of all my mother or father
didn’t have money to buy me new shoes and clothes for school. So, I got picked
on because I didn’t have the newest things.
After elementary
school I needed money to get things so, I started taking in cans and plastic
bottles to at least get some type of money. Even when I would get that money, I
would have to spend it on food for the house. I had to make sure my little
sisters ate. I wasn’t getting enough so I started breaking into houses, robbing
people I didn’t know. Then I
started selling drugs. I was getting money fast by selling weed and other drugs,
but it didn’t help me. I ended up getting locked up.
After I got out I
started thinking better and making better decisions for myself and my family. I
left all the drugs and other things alone while I started looking for a job in
construction. I wanted legal money and I wanted to start saving my money up so
I could better my family. I don’t depend on money right now, I depend on myself
making that money so when I’m gone my family has nothing to worry about.
Entry #1837
Getting Out
In 3 years so much has changed. I wish it could all just be
how it used to. While thinking about my past, thoughts flood into my mind, the
good ones and the worse ones. I went from young wild and free to 15 living in a
cell. Skipped to 16 in a different cell…17 I'm in the same cell. I'm turning 18
next month and I get to leave the cell and go home, but I can't go home because
the house burned down. My whole town burned down. I can't even see my friends anymore.
One died in a car crash and some are on the main line, free my bro's fast. The others
never wrote me, I thought that they were homies after all they showed me. They
didn't even know me.
Entry #1838
Keeping the Light
I used to live that fast life and wonder what it was like to
be sober for a few days. Those drugs turned me to an addict. I used to think
life always got dark right after the sun shined, regardless of what I did. But
I figured out it’s my responsibility to keep the light. Now I'm about to
graduate high school and join the United States Marine Corps. I want to save
lives. I'm going to school to be an EMT paramedic and fire fighter while
serving my country. I'm going to work hard and stay sober. I'm never going to
lose the light again, for my family, and for myself.
My struggle made me who I am.
Entry #1839
A
Good Mom or Dad?
What makes a good
father and mother are parents that love and care about you. A good father and a
good mother will love you unconditionally no matter the cost. Good parents are
there for their kids all the time don’t give up on them.
My mother and
father weren’t always there for me. I grew up the majority of the time with my
grandparents. I lived with my mom and dad for the first two years of my life
and they had to give me up due to my mom being hooked on dope and my dad was in
the military. It always has messed with my head when I think about them because
they just let me go like I was nothing. Now that I am older they are trying to
come into my life and be there for me. It is mostly my mother coming to visit
and meeting with my probation officer.
When I eventually
have a kid, I want to be there for my son or daughter. I will never abandon my
kid and leave him or her for someone else to take care of.
Entry #1840
Five Years of
Change
I remember five years ago, I was innocent in a sense. Sure, I
would get in trouble at school and get in little fights with the neighborhood
kids, but I would've never even thought about the things I do now. I know this
sounds cheesy but I miss the old days. Five years doesn't sound that far away,
but I feel like I have done most of my growing up in the past five years. Five
years ago I was 11, in 7th grade, just starting to see the world for what it
really was. I was noticing that the world didn't revolve around me and my
family and friends. Five years ago I didn't really think about my family
troubles, I thought every family goes through what I was going through and
still am going through. I thought every kid wasn't supposed to get the toys
they wanted and had to deal with split up parents that moved far away. When I
learned about the world and how unfair it was, I got bitter. I didn't care for
anyone who wasn't in my circle because I learned that if you trust someone
right away they will betray you to the fullest of their capabilities. The
authority figures in my life didn't know what to do with me because when they
asked to do something I would tell them to screw themselves and I would do the
opposite. I wish I could go back five years and live in my bubble of family and
friends and not know what the world would do to me in five years time.
Entry #1841
Sports
Sports are the main thing that have impacted my life positively.
There is no better feeling than scoring a touchdown and being on the field with
my brothers. Sports have shaped my character, taught me to be positive. Discipline
and hard work pays off. When I am playing sports, nothing in the world matters
besides that moment.
Entry #1842
A
Good Father or Mother
What makes a good father and mother? In my opinion I think it
takes the child and the parent to make their relationship great. My father and
mother are both the best. I can tell them pretty much everything or anything.
My mother is great at giving advice as a parent. My father, well… we both kind
of fell off. He left me and my mother when I was twelve years old in the 6th
grade. Now it’s different, I’m older and into different things, like guns,
gangs, drugs, and other things that have to do with such. Do I want to change? The answer is yes. But
at the same time it’s too late to change somebody who is sucked into the
streets. Maybe one day I could move somewhere very, very far and not be around
any of this negativity. But, I don’t think that will happen anytime soon.
Entry #1843
Due for Some More
Five years ago,
I wished I could see the snow.
In my desolate town of Chico,
Life was beginning to feel low.
At the age of eleven,
I felt like seven,
At the age of twelve,
I should've been shelved.
I was afraid, of everything I saw,
Everything I thought,
Every time I took a shot.
I was afraid, of what was about to be,
Or what should've been.
My life was about to change,
For worse, to become better...
Pain creates strength.
Agony creates determination.
Heartbreak shows self-worth.
Negative emotions, helps you savor the positive ones.
Now I realize how strange, my life would be without change.
I'm due for some more,
To become anew
To prove who I am, and that a grew
Just for you.
For those whom I love.
For only the sweetest doves.
Those are whom I love.
Entry #1844
Craving Boring
Two years ago I was homeless in LA with three other people. We
had run away and I was the one with the idea to run in the first place. You
know, out of all the unlucky things that can happen I didn't expect it to
happen to me. My girlfriend was one of the people that ran away with us. We
were good for a while. We had fun while it lasted and then we got hungry and sometimes
people would try to rob us. We had to keep looking over our shoulders. We got kind
of paranoid and that's when things went bad. Long story short, they all got
shot to death in the same week. My girlfriend got shot right beside me. It was
later I found out that the bullet was aimed for me. I went crazy for a while. My
brain couldn't process them being gone so I would have hallucinations of them.
I would talk to them, laugh with them, and then I'd blink and they would be
gone. The reality of it all would come rushing back to me and I'd break down. I
became suicidal and I was like that for two or three years. I'm better now than
I was a few years ago. That's just a fraction of what has happened to me. I
just want an ordinary boring life with a wife and kids and a boring job but I
know I won't have that even if I tried. I hope who ever reads this will be
luckier than I.
Entry #1845
A New Path
Since the last year or so I've been really going downhill. I
started selling more drugs and carried a gun on me everywhere I went. I never
realized what my life was becoming until I came here. I was just in love with
the money and everything that came with it. Every day I wish I was free, but I
know that everything happens for a reason. This place has change me as a person
and the lessons I've learned coming here I will carry forever. Now I know none
of those things I was involved in were good for me and the people I trusted and
called my family weren't what they seemed to be. I'm glad I now have the
opportunity to sit back for a while and look at all my mistakes. I need to
focus on the path I will take and getting home to my little brother.
Entry #1846
Trust
Trust is a very important trait. Many people don’t take it
seriously. Me, for instance, I have trust issues. The reason why is because I
learned the hard way. Meaning I put my trust into someone and when I most
needed them, they let me down. I don’t
want friends for reasons or season. For me to have a true friend I have to
trust them. For me that’s hard because you never know if that person is
reliable to trust or not. A man goes by
his word and doesn’t go back on it that’s apart of trust. Trust is a hard bond
that shouldn’t be broken, once broken most times it can’t be fixed.
Entry #1847
I
Remember
I remember one time I was sitting in my cell and a staff came up
to me. He told me that if I keep doing the same stuff in life I am going to end
up like my mother, on drugs and on the streets. I was twelve at the time. I
really did not care about what people had to say. I thought I had it good in
life. I thought I was just so cool. Everything just went through one ear and
out the other. Now I know care what people have to say. I just did not want to
let out my feelings and emotions. It was so hard to just sit down and talk to
someone about my personal life and how am going to grow up. But then I really
realized that the people that really care about me, they will sit down and talk
to me. But the people that don’t care about me, they will not even bother. Now
that I’m sixteen I think about all the things that people told me when I was
twelve. Life is too short to not talk to someone about your problems. People don’t
know about your true struggle, even if they mean well. No one knows how you are
going to end up; you have to overcome those problems and actions speaks louder
than words. All am going to say is am talented, beautiful and smart. I don’t
need anyone to judge me and speak down on me. I know that I will be successful
in life. No one is perfect.
Entry #1848
To
See My Old Man
In my city there’s a lot of violence
Guns bullet shells and a lot of sirens
I’m numb to all the thuggin’ and all the crimin’
Every time I leave the house, Mamma cryin’
Addicted to the struggle
That’s why I’m shinin’
Speakin’ on my brotha, know
We slidin’
I’m tired of the fakes they always lyin’
I want to have a life
But this liquor and addiction has me locked inside
Drugs and depression is a bad combo
Fun in the moment, but now I feel
So low I won’t know what to do
When I’m out tomorrow
I just want to see my old man
And tell him I love him
I can’t go back in there
I got to be present and live every
Day like it’s my last
