Entry #1763

The Camp Fire

I woke up November 8th and all I could see was red in the sky. I thought it was all a dream. Next thing I know my parents are loading up the truck, talking about how we might not make it that far because the gas station is running out of gas and there was a mile long line. Me, being a criminal, I went to my neighbors and kicked down his garage side door and found two red cans full of gas. I thought it was going to be the end of the world. It took us hours to get away from it because there was thousands of cars going 10 mph on highway 32.

Prior to the fire I worked so hard to get a good job and kick a really bad drug habit. I was doing so good after catching three major felonies. After the evacuation my family was staying in a small two bedroom apartment with 9 of us. Not only did it hurt your soul, it hurt your eyes also. I saw the devastation on Facebook.

I couldn't bear it. I went and got a crank pipe to feel better. Then my family was really upset, and I couldn't help but say, "**** it." Everything I worked hard for was gone. Now I'm sitting here incarcerated and it's driving me crazy not being able to help my family and hometown. My family lost a lot. The last thing they needed was to lose me to the system again. I loved Paradise so much. Just before the fire I was riding from one end of it to the other back and forth from work.

Entry #1764

BUTTE STRONG

The camp fire has my mama’s crib looking like an ashtray and all our prized possessions looking like the butt ends of some Cubans that were all smoked way past the ideal limit of what is a finished cigar. On top of the ash, twisted metal, and my bed, it rained. So now the ashtray that was once my fishing poles, my mom’s teapots, my brothers toys and my dad’s small trinkets which held many of our dearest memories, looks like the land fill off of 99 on a rainy day. The fire itself was the destruction of our home, but the effects have brought my family closer together than we have ever been. It's hard to be optimistic at times like these, but we're all safe now. Moving forward.

Entry #1765

Changes

I was once a good girl who would go to school and listen to my parents and go to church.

I remember my mom taking me to preschool and telling me she loves me and she will be back to pick me up.

I heard she crashed and was in the hospital and wouldn’t be able to come home for a while.

I heard we couldn’t go see her because we would not recognize her.

I saw all my family crying and praying which just made me feel something bad was happening.

I worried that we wouldn’t have a mother anymore...no one to care for us anymore.

I thought about my mom and how she was doing.

I thought about where my life was heading.

I want to change everything.

I was still going to school and I basically thought that if I was behaving good, my mom would get better and come back.

I would think that God didn’t like me and my siblings and just wanted to break my family apart making me not like the world.

I needed to see Mom.

I wanted to talk to her and know what was happening to her.

I tried to help with chores, thinking that my aunt would let me see my mother.

I felt angry, sad because Mom wasn’t with me and for what God was allowing.

If God gave me back my mom, I would forgive Him and listen to my mom.

Now that I know what really happened to my mom my family told me she is watching from above.

I will make her proud and be there for my daughter just like she was there for me.

I choose to become a better person and to get an education.

I dream of seeing my mom again and being with family again.

My hope is to be the best mother I can be.

I predict that I will be a good provider for my daughter and family.

I know I will make Mom happy...I will change.

Entry #1766

Grown Up

This will be my first Christmas I miss with my family. The worst part is knowing I won't be coming home to spend any holidays anytime soon.

The judge just sentenced me 7 and a half years. I won't be able to see my lil princess grow up to become a beautiful woman. She will be 11 years old when I’m out, 11 years of age and most of her life I will not have been there to support her. I won't be there to see her open her presents on Christmas.  Most of all she won’t have her father to go to when she needs me. This, I believe, is my wake up call to make better choices, so I can be there for my family and my daughter. I want to see my Lil’ Princess graduate and do what she wants to do in life. Most of all I want to see her succeed in life and be better than her father.

Entry #1767

Things That Make Me Who I Am

No matter how tired I am, I always wake up in the morning.

One of my guilty pleasures is sugar and candy.

I wish I was the kind of person to always follow through.

At a new restaurant, it takes me a long time to order something to eat.

I am creative, but sometimes I lose my train of thought.

I have no other older siblings.

I worry that someone I love will die.

I love the word Capricorn because I feel it helps define me.

I am a sixteen-year-old female.

In my dreams, I can fly wherever I wish.

I watch TV with my son and my sisters.

I have been known to be unpredictable.

I agree to go to college in the future.

I like when it’s raining outside.

Mexican food is bomb.

I am not a meat eater.

I will not break the law anymore.

I almost always wish I was home with my family.

I am very independent. I have been that way since I was smaller.

The only thing irreplaceable is family.

I rely on my mom to care for me and my son.

I am good at some sports and drawing.

I enjoy spending time with my loved ones.

I have a brother and three sisters.

I like going to Jamba Juice.

I am a vegetarian.

I believe in love rather than resorting to discipline.

I hum when I am bored or happy.

I like to sleep and watch movies.

I like to bake with my sister.

I think everyone should eat less meat.

I am the oldest of four kids.

I don’t like to play football.

I love to watch movies with family.

My favorite movie snack is any kind of candy.

I love when I get to visit my siblings.

I cry when I get super mad.

I absolutely love having a baby boy.

I will never leave a mark on my child.

I have a lot of family members that are Capricorns.

I don’t like hairy spiders.

I prefer to sleep all day.

I judge people who I dislike.

I have a low tolerance for bratty girls.

Entry#1768

My Grandpa

When I was 14 years old my grandpa got me a four foot teddy bear for Christmas. I miss him. When I was 16 he told me to come live at his place. Maybe a week or so later he took me to work with him. While he was working he got hurt and yelled for me. I stopped working and ran over to him. I asked, "What happened?" He told me, "Shut up, grab the keys, and drive me to the hospital." The doctor eventually came out and told me he had a broken leg. Two hours later my grandpa came out and we left. One year later on June 9th my grandpa quit working, so I kept his job. About three months later my grandpa died. It's a tragedy because he was the only one there for me pretty much my whole life. I started going downhill, started getting locked up. But soon enough, I got out and went to placement for a year. When I returned, the construction site boss recognized me and hired me again.  I’m locked up yet again, but I plan to return to my grandpa’s old job as soon as I get out.

Entry #1769

Sweet Sixteen

Looking at the cold brick walls. My first time in Juvie was for less than 24 hours. This time I'm going to be locking for three to six months. As I was growing up I always dreamed about my sixteen birthday actually being like one on movies, a sweet sixteen. I didn't get to experience any kind of fun on my birthday. I had gotten locked up 2 days before. I spent my birthday, family birthdays, Halloween (one of my favorite days of the year), Thanksgiving, and now Christmas, locked up. I miss regular high school, more opportunities, school dances. In here you are stuck between the white booger smeared walls. I’m around the same people who just continue to talk about the same stuff and make up things to make the time here more interesting. There aren’t too many girls, so of course, we're the talk of the hall. I never thought I would hate this place so much, but I do. I want to leave and never come back again.

Entry #1770

Change

I was a human grenade.

I remember throwing my life down the drain.

I heard it will never be the same, you just have to be numb to the pain.

I saw a lot of friends change.

I worried about the things my family would say.

I thought there was no better way.

But I want to change…

I am improving even though I think the world around me is so confusing.

I need to keep persuing.

I try to keep improving even though I feel like keeping it moving.

I forgive those who didn’t choose me.

Now I can change…

I will let all the stress go because I choose to be successful.

I have dreams of me in a Lambo, I hope things go as planned though.

I predict I will change…

I know I will change…

Entry #1771

Keeping It on Track

I'm going to be home for Christmas but just barely in time. Everyone from my family comes and we celebrate, so I can't imagine not being there. It's crazy to think about. They weren't going to let me out for Christmas. The only reason they let me out was I did my best to stay away from any trouble or anything that would get me to not leave and I just barely get too leave on 12-21-18 with one of my buddies.  We’re both going to be home for the holidays and going to saver the fresh air of freedom.  We’re going to keep it on track. I never want to come back here. It's not me and I don't want to be that person ever. It's not how I see or feel my life will go. I'm going to high school and getting my life straight for my parents, my friends, and most important for myself. I don't care what other people think about me. I'm me and doing my own thing and not going to let other people interfere with my program, my life style, nor my family. I promise you that.

Entry #1772

All Over Again

Being locked up for the holidays sucks. I've been in Juvie for almost 4 months, and got a few more months to go. It isn't long compared to others though. I'm not complaining how long I've been or how long I’m going to stay. I just hate not being with my family on the holidays. It's my fifth or sixth time here and I'm so done with this place. I used to not mind it at all, just now with the pods coming together, with all the kids here, it's just so much drama. More than a regular high school! You're probably thinking, "No that's not true," because a regular high school has more than 1,000 kids so there must be more drama, but when people/kids are locked up for a long period of time they like to make shit up, spread rumors. It gets boring seeing the same stained, old, brick walls every day. And seeing the same people every day gets tiring. It's almost like sitting in the same room as your best friend for too many hours. You'll start arguing over little things, but instead of your best friend, it's everyone in the pod. I've been in here for Thanksgiving, my dad’s birthday, my sister’s, and also my best friend’s birthday… and now probably Christmas. Halloween too, I guess, but that's not a holiday. I just hope when I get out I don't I don't go back to doing the same ****, so I don't have to repeat this all over again.

Entry #1773

Stressing

I would love to get out for Christmas, to spend time with my family, but I am locked up and that puts a toll on me. Usually we have all my family come over for Christmas and we spend time together. This is my 7th time being locked up and I’m getting tired. I really want to change my ways because I’m stressing my mother out and that's not a good thing. She worries a lot about me and today I want to change for her. I want to change for my nephew because when he’s older I don't want to tell him I’m locked up. It is sad to think about not being with him when he’s growing up.

Entry #1774

Identity Poem

No matter how tired I am, I still get back up and try again.

One of my favorite guilty pleasures is washing my hair every day.

I wish I was the kind of person that was perfect.

At a new restaurant it takes me a long time to order my meal because there are so many decisions.

I’m creative, but I don’t like art.

I have no problem doing P.E.

I worry that I won’t go back to foster care.

I’m religious but I don’t go to church every day.

A cute, classy outfit can be just right for me.

I love the word “candy”.

I’m a beautiful young lady.

In my dreams I want to be rich.

I watch TV with my nephew.

I don’t like watching TV when I’m sleepy.

I have been known to sing, dance and rap.

I want to succeed.

I like money.

Mexican cuisine is my favorite food.

I am not a vegan.

I will not let anyone use me anymore.

I wish I had a family; the only thing irreplaceable is my family.

I rely on my nephew.

I am good at sports.

I enjoy every second of my life.

Money has been a pleasure to me.

My favorite things about me are that I’m black and I have a lot of hair.

I don’t like my attitude.

I don’t like it when people tell me what to do.

I have a nice personality, but I like to mess with people.

I believe in God.

I hum when I am mad.

I like to play basketball.

I like to argue with people.

I’m nice when I want to be.

I don’t like to play soccer.

I love to play with my nephew and feed him his baby food.

My favorite movie snack is skittles and chips.

I love the movie “Media Boo 2”.

I cry when I am sad.

I hate people that always think they know what they are talking about.

Rather than going to juvenile hall, I like being home.

I will never listen to country music.

I have one sister that cares about me.

I don’t like my mom or dad.

Twenty-one is the age to be because you can do what you want.

The worst job I could have is probation officer.

I have no tolerance for people who get on my nerves and talk too much.

Entry #1775

Rest in Peace

March 16 2016, I was sitting in my room wondering what I was going to do. My friend called me up saying there's a party and he’d pick me up about 10pm. 9pm I got dressed. An hour later my friend called saying he was pulling up so I headed outside and got into the car. When we got to the party my friend threw me a gun. I tucked it in my waist band before I got out the car. The party was cracking with music blasting and people dancing and drinking and having a good time. Me and my friend were drinking quite a bit. He told me he was going to go outside to get some air, so I stayed inside. About a half hour later, I noticed my friend never came back. I called some of my other friends and told them what was happening. I know that he didn't leave because I had his car keys. I walked up and down the street but found no sign of him. I started heading back to the party I noticed a body lying on the ground and two people were running the other way. I took out the gun.  My friend said something.  I bent down and told him to stay with me. I tried to stop the bleeding. My friend said something. I bent down to hear what he was saying. He told me not to tell his son. Soon he was gone. Tears started rolling down my face. I went home with blood on my hands, my shoes, and my pants and shirt. Five days later, I walked to his casket. I wanted to say something, anything, but all I could get out was, “Rest in peace.” This is the hardest thing I have ever been trough in my life.

Entry #1776

Fork in the Road

This is my first Christmas away from my grandma and brother. To make matters worse it's my 6-month old daughter’s first Christmas and I can't be there for her. Sadness overwhelms me. I want to cry but I can't. The tears won't shed, only layers of my heart do. I got a 15 year sentence. What can I do? The feeling of a ton on my shoulders wears me down but I won't break. I chose my path and went head first. Is this destiny or is this a message for a better future? My mind and heart want two different live's for me and you don't want know who I'm agreeing with more. One day I hope I come to my senses. One day I hope to walk my daughter down the aisle and maybe stare down her prom date. I will do anything to get to this point.

Entry #1777

Locked Up

It's been nine months and I've missed every Holliday from Easter to Thanksgiving. I've missed six family birthdays and my family has missed one of mine. But all of this is not as bad as missing Christmas. I know I won't be home for Christmas and my family will miss me. I'm going to miss Christmas dinner and my siblings jumping on me to wake me up in the morning to open presents. It's hard on my family, but I'm not going to be gone forever. I'll still be able to see the little ones and the ones I love on the holiday visits, so they don't forget about me. I know that I'll be home soon and won't miss too many more holidays. I'm not worried and I'll still be able to see them grow and become adults as long as I do what I know I have to do.