Entry #1611

Vanishing Time

I remember being five years old the last time I saw my dad and I never took the time to get to know him.

I remember when I first started school and cried for my mother until school was over.

I remember moving to ****** County with my mom and her boyfriend and we moved in with my uncle.

I remember when my brother was born and I got to hold him.

I remember going to the hospital after I broke my arm and also got three stiches on my chest.

I remember when first got drunk and threw up until I passed out.

I remember the first time I felt the cold metal rap around my wrist, and hearing my mom cry when I told her where I was.

I remember saying I would never get locked up after I got out, but it didn’t go down like that.

I remember being locked up when my little sister was born.

I remember all the time I will never get back because of the choices I made.

Entry #1612

Who Am I?

Who am I?

God I wish I knew. I wish I had the slightest clue. I'll tell you who I'm not.

I am NOT a drug addict.

Even though my actions from everyone's point of view shows or implies that I am. I've realized drugs take a hold of you. I've seen it with my closest friends. I'm glad to have been 17 and on probation, having something to help me from losing myself. Young enough to have enough time to pick myself back up.  I was killing myself, slowly dying, but the crank had me feeling like I was flying. Turns out the drugs where lying. I don't want to live this way. Came from a good family a good home and I still fell and ended up in a cell. I was smoking dope losing hope till one day I said nope. I was fighting, fighting for what exactly? I have to do what's right. I have no more fight if it's not to better my life. I'm glad I set myself free (my mind anyway). Trying to find myself, I lost a lot of me, but I now know who I'm not, if not who I am.

Entry #1613

Yet To Be Determined

I remember when I was just a boy, 8 years old, and my dad would have all the neighbors come over to box me. My dad always thought I was a good boxer.

I remember when I was 9 my mom and dad got into a big fight and my dad swallowed a bottle of methadone pills. The ambulance came and they had to pump his belly so he wouldn’t die.

When I was ten I remember riding dirt bikes for the first time. It became one of my favorite things to do in my child hood.

When I was 11 I found myself in the hospital getting surgery on my appendix.

When I was 12 I found Mary Jane. I remember smoking all the time doing stupid shit.

When I was 13 I remember finding new friends and branching away from my family.

When I was 14 my mom and I didn’t get along anymore. We were always fighting and I was on the streets from then on.

When I was 15 I started using meth and my life spiraled downhill from there. I was now becoming an addict.

When I was 16 I started getting incarcerated and found myself in a cell a lot.

When I was 17 I lost my first true love and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life.

18 is yet to be determined.

Entry #1614

Remembering Hard Times

I remember when my grandpa was alive. He would take me for a ride in his motorcycle.

I remember the good times with my grandpa.

I remember when he gave me my first pedal bike when I was 7 years old.

I remember when my grandpa took me to the County Jail to go see my mom and dad.

I remember when my grandpa left the house and came back with my mom because he bailed her out.

I remember seeing my mom’s face when she saw me come out of the house.

I remember seeing my grandma smoking dope in the garage the night my mom go out of jail.

I remember waking up at 7:00 am to drive to the jail with my grandpa to see my dad every Saturday.

I remember seeing my dad in my mom’s house… then he didn’t show up for about a week… I began to worry.

I remember when I first asked my mom where my dad was and she told me “he wouldn’t be coming around for a couple of years.” I asked “why” and she said, “I can’t tell you Bubba.”

Entry #1615

How to Change

I remember the first time I got locked up and didn’t know what to think about it.

I remember when I didn’t have to trip about being on my best behavior, or trippin about being bored.

I remember when I wasn’t always looking at blue doors and white brick walls.

I remember when my mom left and never came back.

I remember my dad going in and out of prison and barely being a part of my life.

I remember when I didn’t have a 9:00 bed time, and being able to leave when I wanted to leave.

I remember when I could eat anytime I wanted.

I remember 10 months ago when I was out messing up and didn’t know what to do or how I could change myself.

I remember when my boyz house got shot at and going go retaliate.

I remember having what we did haunt me.

Entry #1616

Being A Kid

I miss the old days before I had to deal with probation

I miss being able to do whatever and stay out as late as I want

I miss going camping with my family

I remember the time we went camping and stumbled upon that bear.  My sisters were so scared.

I remember being up early with my grandpa and reading the newspapers with him while drinking hot chocolate

I miss going to the snow and building snowmen

I remember when I tied my sled to my quad and had my sister pull me

I miss the wild days

I remember sneaking my dirt bike out onto my street and riding it around town

I miss staying up all night with my friend

I miss fishing with my dad

I miss swimming

I miss when I was younger

I miss being a kid

Entry #1617

Unconditionally

I remember being treated with respect

I miss being with family that loved to spend time with me

I remember when my thoughts mattered to people

I miss being able to express myself without having to get sent down to my damn cell afterwards

I remember being FREE

I miss music

I miss waking up every morning, getting on my phone and playing songs while smoking a cigarette or two.

I miss the way we put each other first

I miss my family

I miss the person that cares about me and loves me unconditionally

OVERALL I miss you

Entry #1618

Holding My Son

I miss when my mom gave a shit

I remember when my dad

was alive

I miss when we used to be

a family

I remember when my dad died

I miss when we used to be

happy

I remember when I used to

be on the outside

I miss when my brother was

alive but

I remember when my little brother died

I miss my little family

I remember those were the times

I miss my little happy family now

I remember it’s time to start mine

I remember when my son was born

I miss holding him all the time

Entry #1619

I’m Just a Kid

I miss being able to do what I want

I miss staying out late and running amuck with my friends

I miss swimming under the green bridge

I miss getting free things from the store

I miss times when I was able to just get up and go places

I miss when I didn’t have to worry about probation arresting me

I miss not having a care in the world about trouble

I miss being able to say “I’m just a kid” to get out of trouble

I miss my parents always having my back and also being there when I was in deep shit

I miss regular school and sports

I miss hanging out with my brother and doing fun things

I miss being out…..

Entry #1620

Living Live Freely

I miss being able to sleep in my own bed.

I miss my home.

I miss being able to make me and my girl some bomb food to eat while we relax and watch a movie.

I miss my girl.

I miss going to the mall with my brother to buy a new outfit.

I miss my bro.

I miss being able to wear my own outfits.

I miss my clothes.

I miss relaxing at the river with my mom.

I miss my mom.

I miss going on trips with my girl and her friend.

I miss them.

I miss late night swims with my boys, smoking and drinking.

I miss it all.

I miss being free.

I miss it a lot.

Entry #1621

Memory of Time

I miss the breeze, on those calm summer eves,

I miss winter’s freeze, when I pull down my sleeves,

I miss all the snow, the way it just gleams

Or the way that the trees, reflect solar beams,

I miss all the ways, the snowflakes just glow,

And all those hot days, I played for hours for free,

I miss all those days, my mom told me to climb,
For all those days are gone, in memory of time.

Entry #1622

Where’d My Showers Go?

                I miss being able to take long showers and not being woken up early just to wait for everyone else to finish. I wish I could wake up at my own pace, and take my long shower when I'm ready, not when the guards say I'm ready. I miss knowing that after my shower I was clean instead of "Did I wash fast enough to be clean?" I miss knowing when I shower I would have good water pressure and a sense of how hot or cold I wanted the water. I miss having whatever scent soap I wanted, or a different variety of cleaners to fit my needs. Overall, I miss my shower. I miss being free.

Entry #1623

Stuck

These last four months haven’t been that great. It all started when I went to court and found out that they wanted to send me to Stockton to go to cya facility for a 90 day evaluation. They told me they wanted to see how I would act in a more serious situation. When I found out what they were going to do with me my heart dropped and my mind went blank. They told me if I stayed out of trouble I could come back, but if I got in trouble I would stay there. All I was thinking is they don't understand what they’re doing. They don't really know what kind of situation they are putting me in. I really only had two options. I could go over there and tell them the truth, which would be that I don't gang bang and that I want nothing to do with them…which would get me nothing but my ass beat every time I came out my room. It would also get me a full time stay at the CYA facility. I wouldn't be coming home anytime soon. Then there was option two, which would be to go over there and lie. Tell them that I still gang bang and that I am down to ride. Which would mark me as a front line soldier and that's definitely something I didn't need. So I really had no idea what the hell I was going to do. The court really set me up for failure without even knowing it. I wanted to speak up and say what was on my mind and trust me I tried. But he didn't even let me say three words before he stopped me and said nothing would change his mind, this is what he wanted. So that's when I knew my life was ********, that I was going to spend some time in CYA and then prison because the judge thought he was doing the right thing. I guess I screwed myself over when I got tattoos and labeled myself as a gang banger. I thought those tattoos were the beginning of my life, not the one thing that was going to end it.

Entry #1624

In The System

           I miss being able to smoke a cigarette whenever I want. I miss being free from probation and smoking and drinking without getting a violation. I remember spending time and money with family and friends but it's hard now that I keep getting locked up. I miss not having to look over my shoulder 24/7 for probation or GPD. I remember those days being able to walk around, wherever I wanted to, freely, without getting pulled over and searched.

           I miss all my clothes and females. I miss driving around town with my grandma telling me to slow down while I'm going 15 MPH. I remember going to get cross faded with my grandpa. I miss dabbing out while making beats on FL studios at my homie trap. I remember robbing people and their houses just to get money or drugs. I miss not knowing where or what juvenile hall is. I regret doing everything I did to get in the system. I miss being out and free.  

Entry #1625

Shine

I miss that day when our lips first met, it was only a peck but it was truly the best.

I miss when you would come over and I would hold you tight, whispering in your ear that I wish you were mine.

I miss looking in your eyes and seeing that shine, being around you everything seemed alright.

I miss that day when you came over in that sparkly dress, when I picked you up and gave you a kiss.

I miss flirting with you over text, waking up every morning wishing you were right next to me.

Entry #1626

Remembrance

I only get to look forward to an hour or two of free rec and an evening snack while I talk to my mother about the day I will get released.

These walls do something to you. They not only strip you of everything you once had. But they strip you of your sanity. You're individuality. The shit that makes you feel special on the outs.

It gets revoked more and more every time you here the loud click of that dead bolt lock us in our cells which the staff call "rooms".

 

Every time I hear that common misconception of a room or cell I want to blurt out and disagree and excrete all the pain and anger the walls make me feel and endure on a daily basis. These are cells, never mistake them for a room again!

Even the benefits of PE in the morning and occasional large muscle in the field is taunting. The loud highway inflicting its tempting roar of freedom as cars pass by. Just to be reminded of the deadly razor wire that surrounds our hour of "freedom"

I miss the soft touch of my mother’s embrace, the ever so comforting snuggle of my girlfriends affectionate touch. I would give up anything to be able to be on the outside of these tormenting walls, now, instead of my release date which seems so far away.

Then I remember the choice that got me here in this dark unforgiving hell hole.

Then and only then, I resent my split second decisions.

Entry #1627

Missing

I miss the outs

I miss my dog

my Xbox

my mom

I miss going to a normal school

I miss my girl

my friends

my bike

my belts

I miss my dad

my hats

my shoes

I miss eating junk food

I miss my sweater

my sweatshirt

my hoodies

my watches 

Entry #1628

Dear Mom

I remember when I was younger, the days were so much calmer. Not a care in the world. I was growing up too fast and you tried to stop me so that I could have a childhood. I wouldn't listen though because I was too stubborn back then. Mom, I grew up because you needed me more than anything. You were lost and broken and had nowhere to turn to at the time. I remember the night you came into my room crying. I had no clue what to do but hold you and tell you it's okay repeatedly. You acted so tough around us that I thought you never cried. All you did was smile everyday so I thought everything was okay, boy was I wrong. Do you remember what you told me when I got locked up the 3rd time? You said "This is all your fault. I raised you better than this.” Where the hell did I go wrong with you? I played those words in the back of my head for days upon end. I cried every night because I was ashamed of who I am. I called you a couple days later and you said I was a disappointment. I cried because I knew I was a disappointment and I'm glad I realize it now rather than later when it’s too late to fix all of this. Mom I'm sorry I'm a disappointment. I promise I'll change, I'll make sure things don't stay the same. Mom I love you unconditionally, I only wish I was present with you physically.

Entry #1629

Gone

I remember chilling at the house on T Street and my lil brother walked in saying the homies were here. I told him not to go, but he did, and five minutes later, I remember hearing gunshots going off round after round and me running toward the car that my lil brother was in. I remember pulling him out. I remember holding him, pushing down on the gunshot wound to stop the blood from coming out. I remember looking up and back down. I remember the last words he said. He told me not to worry. I remember crying and telling him to hang in there and to say with me but then he was gone. I remember going home with blood on my shirt and hands. I remember my mom running towards me asking me what happened and I told her he was gone. Mom looked back down the street. She saw the car and ran all the way down the street. I remember thinking to myself that whoever did it was going to pay for what they did. I remember chilling with my older homie when two people ran up to me and said that my oldest brother found the car and lit it up.  I remember going to my older brother’s court hearing when they gave him 25 to life. I remember thinking to myself that I was going to change, but I didn't, I fell farther into the gang life. I remember holding my first gun, walking down the block with it. I felt powerful.  I remember it all.  

Entry #1630

Promise

Momma, I’m sorry for all this pain I put you thru

I know damn well I shoulda listened to you

But I promise to God I’ma make it up to you

You was a single mother, you did it all on your own

I couldn’t have asked for better, you is a hell of a mom

Goin’paycheck to paycheck just to make ends meet

You prolly sittin’ at home prayin’ I survive in these streets

But we made it out the struggle

Damn, we was in it deep

Day and night we had to hustle

For just the things that was cheap

Tough at time to get sumthin to eat

Stay learnin’ the hard way

It taught me a lesson

Can’t let my brother live this way

Keep my momma from stressin’

They sendin’ me away

It’s damn near a belssin’

**** what you thought

I’ma make it on my own

Yeah, I got caught

But eventually I’m goin’ home

Ouu they had me missin’

They really had me trippin

Had me locked up in a cell where they knew I wasn’t livin

Told’em I can’t do it but they aint never

Wanna listen

Born in a struggle with no food in the kitchen

To get the pain off my mind I was with the homies

Sippin

Runnin up a check from all the places we was lickin

Had me up in fights and they really had me hittin

Had the stick up in the ship and they really had me whippin

Like

Ouu they had me missin

Had me locked up in a cell they aint never had me

Livin

Ouu they had me missin

Had me going thru hell and they had my momma trippin’

Ouu they had me missin’

I been sittin’ in a cell since I was

Caught up in the field

So I’ve been thinking ‘bout my life and

Ima tell you what’s the deal

About them lonely ass nights it was just

Me and my steal

Y’all don’t know about this

Pain that I feel

All I can do is pray to God and I just

Hope that he’s real

       God, I just hope that you’re real

Entry #1631

Happiness

I remember when I was focused on dreams and thinking to myself that one day I'm gonna be a star.

I remember singing on a stage and feeling proud.

I also remember when my mom smiled at me and told me she loved me and I just thought, wow, I have the best mom in the world and she's the only person I need.

I remember when I was the only cheerleader and I performed in front of hundreds of people.

I miss being happy and I miss performing.

Entry #1632

I Miss My Old Life

I miss the love and care in my house

I miss my uncle I lost to a gun

I miss my family

I miss riding my bmx bike in the hot sun till I'm dripping sweat

I miss swimming in ditches with my friends

I miss smoking and not caring what we did

I miss not sitting in a cell

I miss not stressing about the little things

I miss feeling like I'm not stuck in one place in my life

I miss riding around G town with my friends finding stuff to do

I miss driving like the roads have no end

I miss feeling likes there’s hope and a future for me

I miss the times where I worked on cars with my dad

I miss my dad

I miss the times I wasn't scared to get locked up

I miss my old life

Entry #1633

Stuck in the Past

When I reminisce on my old life, I try to remember the good parts.

My family

My home

My school

My free life.

Funny how now it seems so far away, when in actuality it’s right outside those blue doors.

I miss waking up early to my brother getting ready for school. I miss making our breakfast, and eating it on the couch while we listen to music or watch a few episodes of the shows we like. I miss walking him to the bus in the morning, bright and early.

I miss watching the rain fall onto the trees and road, just listening.

I miss the taste of Folger's, Rockstar, Marlboro reds, and fried chicken.

I miss coming home from school to my baby brother. I miss sitting on the couch with him and watching Peppa Pig and Caillou. I miss helping him clean up his toys (me picking up his toys) just so he can dump them all out again when he's bored.

Entry #1634

Stale Crackers and Cold Rice

I remember those hot bullets and cold knives

I remember those pointless arguments and big fights

I remember when I was hungry, nobody had me, but when they were hungry, I had them

I remember being all alone with nowhere to go

I remember her telling me "just stay" but me saying no

I remember the pain in her voice when she said "please don't go"

I remember all those nights she prayed I'd make it home

I remember that fresh cool air and that Newport smoke

I remember my big brother saying, "Now you’re a LOC"

I remember seeing my mom and promising myself I wouldn't do dope

I remember thinking "That stuff ruins people, especially when you shoot it with a needle."

I remember those cold nights wondering if momma’d come home tonight

I remember asking what's for dinner… same shit as last night, stale crackers and cold rice

I remember thinking "One day I'm gonna make it, I got to do it , not just say it."

Entry #1580

Upside Down

I’m from a family that loves me,

from bare feet on hot sun-blazing streets and long nights on the trampoline

I’m from home cooked meals and pies on the holidays

From sibling rivalry and having to choose which parent to spend the next holiday with

I’m from stolen cars and bad role models,

From fights between my parents,

From soda and sandwiches at Honey Run and every day bike rides with my dad,

Smoky air and hidden emotion

I’m from drugs and alcohol every night, dogfights, fistfights, and stabbings

From drug deals and vicious attack dogs that are all too anxious

I am from a new bb gun every so often

I’m from a real Harley Davidson on my sixth birthday

From elders and family members in and out of prison, drug over doses and funerals

I’m from the fairgrounds my mom worked at

Where she got us in for the monster trucks, fireworks and fair rides,

From the long walk to the illegal swimming hole,

A house fire on a stormy night that turned my life upside down

From strong armed robbery and attempted carjacking at the age of ten and assault and robbery again at the age of seventeen

I’m from The Regal Inn with top ramen and Tap every night,

Strong relationships with my sisters but my brothers not so much

I am from my cell number.

Entry #1581

Stranger

I am from long days on the beach where I learned to swim.

From long walks with my dogs, Mona and Tupanga.

I am from sailboats and surfboards.

From learning to drive on race tracks.

I am from foster homes and group homes.

I am from knowing who I was to not knowing at all.

From being free then trapped like a caged animal.

I am from these blue doors and white walls I've learned to love.

From blue pants and a yellow shirt.

I am from the dreams of one day being free and never returning to the system.

From loving and not being loved back.

I am from having everything to having nothing.

From living in a house to sleeping on the streets.

I am from good times and bad times.

From being the person everyone wanted to be, to the person everyone hates.

From never looking for cops to always on the lookout.

I am from living in San Diego to living here.

From the innocent little boy to the criminal I am now.

I am from classic cars and trucks.

From race cars and four wheel drives.

I am from being rich to being poor.

From going to school to ditching every day.

I am from a troubled childhood.

From being away from my family for eight years to living with them.

From never knowing my father to calling a stranger dad.

Entry #1582

Holiday with Family

            If I could get one thing for Christmas this year, I’d choose to be home with my family. This is the first time I won’t be able to go home to be with my family for the holidays. I’ll miss being around my twin brother for the holidays and waking up to my family.

            Being in here and not having the choice to be at home with my family really makes my heart ache, especially with my grandpa in hospice care on his death bed. I will not get to spend another holiday with him because I’m in here.

            It’s for the best I believe. I could possibly be dead right now if I hadn’t been arrested that day. All I remember that day was waking up in a hospital bed handcuffed to the rail and opening my eyes to a cop in front of me. My alcohol level was four times the legal limit. They said if I would have drank much more I could have died. I needed this wakeup call. It really made me see what I want to do in life. I want to be able to make my family proud of the person I have become, not upset and stressing every day because I’m locked up. My goal is to finish school and do what I have to do to be able to be somebody that they will be proud of.

Entry #1583

Where Is Freedom

I miss real food

I miss being in the dark

I miss long, hot showers

I miss smoking woods

I miss my friends.

I am from waking up at a friend’s and starting to break up weed to roll up the wood.

I am from waking up and turning on music.

I miss not feeling owned

I miss feeling like I’m my own person, and I choose what I want to do for the day.

I miss real beds

I miss listening to good music, not the same 15 songs on the radio.

I miss looking out my window and seeing the view, not brick walls.

I miss being able to talk on the phone.

Entry #1584

I’m Ready

I am from Budweiser and Marlboro Reds

From hanging out at the river

From a little town in the mountains to a little town in the valley

I am from riding bikes all day to, “You’d better get home before the street lights turn on.”

I am from hunting, fishing and riding dirt bikes

From archery and BMX.

I’m from, “I can’t do this and everyone’s against me,” to “I’m almost graduated and thanks for the support”.

I’m from more than just crime and drugs.

I’m from a happy outlook on my life.

I’m ready to go home

Entry #1585

Lost Memories

I’m from beer cans and Slip’n Slides.

From a willow tree in the front yard with a treehouse in it

and camping at Millsap Bar.

From a tall angry family including a parent with the initials that of M.A.D .

I’m from loud and obnoxious people.

And “Quit tattle telling.” 

I’m from a happy go-lucky team and peanut butter-banana jet puff sandwiches.

I’m from getting bucked off horses.

And from looking at lost memories.

Entry #1586

Good-by

I am writing this letter to let you know I am leaving you in 2017. Although you made me feel good in so many ways, you led me right into a hole. I depended on you to help me walk away from my problems, but you only made me walk right into new ones. You were unhealthy for me in various ways. I am focusing on my future now, and I definitely do not see you in it. This new chapter in my life is going to shape me into a better person. Nothing but positive things will come out of this. I am going to start the career I have always wanted. I am going to make my family proud and not let them down this time around. Don’t take it personal, but I am making a turn for the better and I am never looking back.

Entry #1587

Grape Stomping

I am from family gatherings at the park where we would bar-b-que.

I am from wine country and grape stomping competitions.

I am from the hikes in the cemetery where I lost my toy sword.

From playing in the streets till the streetlights came on.

I am from walking around barefoot till my feet were blistered and black.

I am from every day A.A. meetings in the morning with my father.

I am from Thanksgivings at the community center.

From custody battles where my mother ultimately lost.

I am from skipping school to smoke weed.

From getting drunk and breaking into cars and houses.

I am from committing crimes with friends.

From getting caught during an attempted robbery.

I am from changing my life from semi-positive to negative and back again.

Entry #1588

Don’t Trip

I’m facing years for what

I’ve done

Don’t trip, Mom, it’s something we can

Overcome

You can blame me for why we had to

Separate

If it wasn’t for my choices, we wouldn’t

Have to live this way.

I’m knowing I’ll hit the

pen,

Waiting on my appeal, hoping

That I win,

Mom, I love you unconditionally,

I only wished I was present

With you physically.

Entry #1589

Happy Boredom

I am from bicycles, flea markets and yard sales

I am from the tall oak tree next to my front porch

From having family reunions once every summer

And eating delicious home cooked meals.

I am from doing chores to avoid getting yelled at.

From "Do the dishes!" and "Make your bed!"

I am from going to my friend’s house every weekend to play video games

And walking my brown skinny Chihuahua every morning

I am from the time my friend tripped on my chair and broke his arm.

And getting laughed at for making the slightest mistake.

From going to church every Sunday and ending up slumped.

I am from one happy family and one boring life.

Entry #1590

Where I Am From

I am from a place that isn’t a drug store but sells gas.

I am from a place where lighters are ordinary items found around the house.

The most valuable thing in that house was our T.V.

Our front lawn was dirt; the backyard was yellow grass fields that stretched forever before you find the next place.

I am from smashed cake in your face on birthdays.

From a place where boys aren’t men if they cry.

I am from a family that is always arguing on holidays. I guess you can call my family crazy, I do.

I am eighteen. Third born out of four. My brother is a year younger and my sisters are both older than me.

I am from a place where we call our grandma Nana. And she raised all four of my mother’s kids including me.

I am from a place where Nana hated liars and she made sure to tell me. I was only a child and she seemed like she didn’t like me, but that wasn’t the case.  My Nana loves me, she tells me all time.

I am from a place where we barely talked about our feelings. Now it seems everyone is always worrying about me.

Growing up where I am from they always told me I was just like my mother.

I am from where it snows close to all the time.

I am from Top Romen noodles for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I was eight years old when I asked where my mommy was, they told me she was in custody. I wrote her every week.

I am from a place where everything seems the same as yesterday and nothing seemed to change.

I am from long days that turned to lonely nights. I cried myself to sleep because I knew tomorrow he’d still be there.

I am from a place too dark to explain. I left my smile somewhere in the past and never found a new one.

I am from a place of love and pain. A place I wish I could forget.

I am not the same little girl. I came from an ugly place, but I didn’t let that stop me. Sure I might still be in custody but only for a couple more weeks and then I’ll be free.

Entry #1591

Afloat

I am from hot August nights and cold swimming pools where pool noodles kept me afloat.

I'm from Orange juice and banana slices to chili Mac n Cheese on the stove.

I'm from Gatorades when I was sick...drink it slow. I'm from hot wheels and G.I Joes.

I'm from being the oldest, with two little bros.

From itching my eyes and rubbing my nose.

I'm from the allergy medicines everyday dose.

Entry #1592

Me

I am from brim filled ashtrays and cigarette stained walls.

From sleeping at the river and fishing all night.

From "Make sure your right home after school", to "Get your homework done!"

I am from school bus fights and in-school suspension.

From hot-boxed contact highs.

And riding around in a gang of bikes.

I'm from where drinking and smoking at a young age was cool, but now is a habit.

I am from where traffic is a river of cars.

I am from me, that’s where I am from. 

Entry #1593

Childhood

My childhood was rough growing up. My dad was locked up in prison most of my life. He was doing ok until he and my mom got really far into doing drugs. Then my dad and my mom split up, and not much longer after that he went to prison. When my dad was gone my mom started not coming home more and more. Then one day we got a call, my mom had been put in jail too. A few years after she and my dad got out of jail and prison, my mom had passed away of cancer. Ever since, when I looked back on my childhood it seemed as if I was going down the same path as my parents, only at a younger age. I got caught up into doing heavy drugs, then my girlfriend at the time broke up with me. Now I’ve been here in juvenile hall ever since.

Entry #1594

Gravel and Dust

I am from where the dirt is red and dry

From annoying flies buzzing in the stable

and the road is nothing but gravel and dust

I'm from playing with mud and making something useful

Where the waterfall was the only place to hide and think

From the smell of pine and red dirt

Where the drugs were close but out of sight

I'm from down to earth people, where the hippies roam

Where clay is the most magical thing

I'm from watering the "special plants" that smelt good and we as children never knew their power

Until now

Entry #1595

I Am From NY

I am from NY, from different items and different sorts.

I am from the Hood.

I am from the weeds, the roses growing like they should.

I am from misconception and heart in my chest like a sharp weapon, from Nana and Mom to Dad lookin’ at the past I never had.

I am from hard parts and dark hearts.

From never goin’ nowhere and havin’ a fresh start.

I am from Rochester wit stalled haters

I’m from a family like chocolate and jaw breakers.

From my dad in prison, my mom drugin’ while livin’ and heartbeats skippin’.

I am from the mind but the thing I value most is time.

Entry #1596

In My Room

I am from tools and engine parts

From going out on a boat and fishing

From hamburger helper and ice water

I'm from family gatherings and barbecues

From bustling cities in small places

To the smell of exhaust and cigarettes in the air

From not leaving the house and playing video games

I am from eating in my room and watching tv while my parents argue

I came from a small house in a big place

From one parent working while the other struggled to live

I am from the sounds of machines and the smoke they create

Entry #1597

Better

I am from Marlboro Red 100s,

from fields of grass

and watching soap operas with the family.

I am from my grandpa cooking something new in our long island kitchen,

from BBQ steaks and homemade mash potatoes.

I am from noisy streets in the day time, to silence at night.

From gun shots in the air.

From the smell of wet concrete.

I am from boredom and waiting for my boys to slide through.

I am from parents in and out of jail and prison terms.

I’m from drug use and getting locked up.

I am from changing to a better person to never going back to my old ways.

Entry #1598

I Am From City Streets

I am from city streets

Corrupt in many ways,

I am from the Block

People can feel my pain,

Living in the jungle

Where we’re all prey

People know where I’m from

Just trying to get paid.

Since a young child

Always hearing police sirens,

These cold city streets

Filled with poverty.

Walking around as a child

The air smellin’ like urine,

Hoppin’ over fences

Signs that say private property.

As a young child

Lookin’ up to millionaires.

Walkin’ around the ghetto

Stomach filled with hunger.

We’re from the Block

Our dreams lead to tears.

We’re from the city streets

Filled with pain and anger.

Entry #1599

Prison Mail

I am from camel Turkish Golds

Where you find the cigarette butts laying around in the house

From marijuana smoke in the air

I am from antique plates on the walls and where they may fall down

From the screaming and yelling

I am from methadone and syringes being pulled back

From overdoses to death

I am from reckless driving and swerving in & out of lanes

From severe injuries

I am from no father around during my childhood

To being a teenager and just starting to talk to my dad through mail to prison

I am from driving to see my dad in prison every weekend to long naps on the way back home

From my mom crying because my dad’s locked up.

I am from candy from the dollar store to wrappers on the ground

From skittles and beef jerky.

I am from doing meth to being locked up every other week

From 14 months

Entry #1600

Addiction

Lost in smoke and drugs

I let the drugs take control of me

It was very manipulating

I wasn’t on the right path to succession

My life was upside down

Nothing mattered but the need of drugs

The people around me were affected by my addiction

It was my best friend it helped me with my feelings

Like joy, sad, mad etc.

I needed it every day

Dope and weed was my choice of drug

I started stealing

I was turning into a petty thief

I knew I needed help

I need to stay away from distractions

I didn’t have any one to turn to for help

But the drugs were the ones helping me

I got arrested

Now I am in recovery in a substance abuse program

I’m going to stay away from my addiction for a while

Entry #1601

My Own Bedroom

I am from dollar menu’s at fast food restaurants.

From B-lines and bicycle’s to school.

I am from unregistered cars and no driver licenses.

From stolen candy bars to stolen bottles of whiskey.

I am from the poor side of town with hand-me-down clothes.

I am now from my own bedroom.

From a place that always has food and water.

A place with no worries about eviction.

I am from a job and college.

I am from a place with change.

From an offer of a new life and a better start.

Entry #1602

Poem for Change

I was athletic and outgoing. I remember crying myself to sleep when my dad left. I heard the immigration cuff my dad and throw him in a car. I saw the way the struggle shaped my family. I worried about how we would make it in the world. I thought I was going to graduate with my class but ended up in here. But I want to change.

I am confident. I think anyone can change. I need to go to college and start my career as a vet tech. I try to be more open and hardworking. I feel anticipation. I forgive myself. Now I can change.

I will make my momma proud. I choose to change my perspective on life. I dream about owning a mansion in the Bahamas. I hope to achieve my goals. I predict having a loving family and great career. I know I will be successful. I will change.

Entry #1603

From A Lost and Dark Place

I am from beer bottles and cans.

From the bamboo plant on the counter that has been there for years growing inch by inch.

I am from blond hair and blue eyes.

From football games on the T.V. and barbeques.

From trips to the river where they drink while I swim.

I am from sit down and be quiet or go to your room.

From don’t let the boogie man bite.

I am from Grossmont Hospital.

From beaches and tall buildings

I am from bowls of raisin brand or captain crunch cereal every morning.

From my step dad getting jumped and moving me and my brother far away.

I am from a blue bin full of old family pictures collecting dust in my closet.

From moving in with my brother because I didn’t want to act right.

From getting locked up and being put on probation.

I am going to be from 14 months locked up, to a changed person.

From a lost and dark place.

Entry #1604

The Smell of Wet Cedar

I am from a childhood of abuse

And a drug addicted dad

From parent’s fighting on the daily

I am from the smell of chemicals

my dad making honey oil with butane and acetone

it always gave me a headache

I’m from long hikes were the smell of wet cedar would make my day

From not very good people but a mom who was the best

She got me to school every day in the same old mini van

I’m from my first school fight and loving it so much I did it again

I am from blue doors, white walls, and short showers

And getting yelled at to go work out every day

I am from incarceration and thinking about my release

Entry #1605

R.I.P. Papa

            You were there when I was young and you were there when I was down, took me round the town and showed me everything I’m about. I’m missing all the times you took away my frown. I love it that you taught me everything has an amount, every moment you were there I was always safe and sound, and the times that were not the last would always count.

            I love you papa and I’m always gonna miss you, sometimes I wake up in the morning thinking I can kiss you. I see you in my sleep and I hear you in my head. I’m living what you taught me even though you are dead. I’m hoping that you’re proud that I’m coming to a man.

            Papa, you’re so smart making money on your bed, loving and consoling to and from the very end, I’m always thinking of the things that you did and that you said. Get your education, make your money, and drive a Chevy, another thing you taught me is that life is somewhat heavy.

            Rest in Peace my papa man, I really wasn’t ready, I’m waiting for the day I can say I’m living steady, I know if you were here with my stepdad it’d be deadly, that day with no confetti…

Entry #1606

My Choice

I used to complain

Then I realized

I’m the one to blame

Life isn’t always fair

It is what it is

Now I don’t care

I say I’m gonna change

But am I really?

Now I’m stuck in chains

Hopefully one day

I could feel happy

Instead of always feeling pain

What do I got to lose

Or gain

Either live a legal life or

The game.

Entry #1607

Reflection on Choices

If it’s one thing I’ve learned about life and always knew, it’s that life is made up of choices. You choose what you do. Always remember the consequences of your actions whether it be good or bad. Also, be mindful that sometimes doing what’s always easy isn’t always the right thing. Life may not always be easy but it is never impossible. Sometimes the easy way isn’t always the only way. Even though I kind of grasp the concept of these real life scenarios, I’m still learning to put them into practice.

Entry #1608

A New Start

What I want to leave behind is the hall. I’m always either here or at boot camp or group homes. I want to say goodbye to all the mistakes I’ve made. I’m getting sent to a group home, and I have a chance at a new start. I want to just get all this past me and move on and really start living my life.

Entry #1609

Real Love Is Hard To Come By

            They say real love is forever. I don’t know the exact definition of the word, but my baby’s father is as close as I’ve come to true love. When we broke up my dreams were shattered. I had his kid at thirteen. I was young, how was I to know if he’s really what I wanted. The harsh reality is I was barely a teen and I just wasn’t ready to face reality. I f****** up and left everything I had for nothing. I got locked up only a couple weeks after the break up for fighting. My daughter was nine months old when she came to visit me here in juvie. When I got out the first time he and I tried to work our differences out for our daughter. It didn’t work out; I wasn’t ready to stop doing me.

            He told me to wake up and make a change already. I loved him and I still do, but I am afraid it’s too late. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I know what I need to do to get my family back. I’ve been locked up since June 2017 and I know my daughter misses me. So no matter what kind of change I need to make, I am on my way to achieving it. My family may never be the way I dreamed it’d be, but as long as my daughter loves me NOTHING is going to stop me.

            2018 is just beginning. I can’t wait to go home in a couple of weeks. I am going to show my family what amazing things I can do when I set my mind to it. I am less than twenty-nine credits from graduating then it’s off to college for me. Relationships aren’t my thing, they never work out for me, but if I ever find the kind of love like the kind my daughters father showed me, I’ll never let it go to waste.

            No love is stronger than the love a Mother and daughter share. My daughter is the love of my life.

Entry #1610

The Day That Changed My Life

One day I woke up to realize at the end of the day I lost the homie who I thought would be there. The next day, I realized after he came over, something was wrong. I got a weird feeling and five minutes went by. I looked up to see five people walking up. Then it went by so fast. My homie took off running. All of a sudden all I remember is he looked back and fell to the ground. Then I realized my life changed from there.  I remember every day, don’t take your friends for granted cuz’ they’re not always gonna be there when you want them to be.