Entry #1447
No More Worries
I started coming to the
hall 2 years ago when I was 14 and every time that I've been
Locked up right before
I would get out I'd tell the staff, "I won't be coming back." But as
soon as I'd go home, it's like my mindset would change again. I'd start
committing different crimes and end up coming right back to the hall. This time
I'm locked up for 14 months but I know when I get out things will be different.
I can't explain it, I just have a feeling that I'm going to be alright. I'm
also just tired of being locked up. I wasted a lot of time being locked up.
These are my high school years; these are the years that I'm supposed to be
having fun, not stuck up in a cell. I tell myself though, that it doesn't
always have to be like this, that I can get out and actually do something with
my life. I could choose to not change and blame other people for my mistakes
like I've done before, but I would be choosing that same old lifestyle that
only leads to regret, hatred, and incarceration, and that's not what I want. I
want to get out and work. I want money, honest money so I can get out and buy
stuff I want instead of stealing it. I want to buy a house or rent an
apartment. I want to tell my mom, "Look mom I made it. You don't have to
worry anymore!" I want to be able to give my mom presents and buy her
stuff like she does for me.
By all means, I'm going
to make it happen.
Entry #1448
When I Was Six
Entry #1449
Promise
I think thing will be
different in a way. I'll still be smoking but all that other shit, I'm not
even gonna mess with it . I have things I need to do on the outs, like look
after my family . I'll try to get visits with my little sister and brother and
try to get a job. I'm going to get a place when I get out . All I know is I'm
done with that childish kid stuff. I got thing I need to do, places I need to
be. I can't get set back because of gangs & drugs, and a bunch of other
bullshit. But first things first… I made a promise to my siblings about how I
would be there for them. If they need money, food, a place to stay, or need
anything I would be there for them. That was my promise for them and I intend
to keep it.
Entry #1450
11 Years
I grew up in a small
town with big dreams.
Cops already knew me when I was walking down the
street.
They compared me to my
dad which I thought was kinda neat.
They asked me what I'm
doing and where I'm going.
Told em on my way home,
you see me skateboarding.
So they grabbed my
board and threw it in the water.
All because the man
they never caught, well I'm his daughter.
It's been 11 years now
since I've been living without a father.
But now I'm walking
home and I see the homie -----.
He asked me what's
wrong is there anything he could do?
So I told him what
happened and how I didn't understand.
That's when he told me
all about my dad.
"He was a leader
that's why we got respect for you.
I walk you home just so
I can check on you."
He said the boys hate
him so they always gonna mess with you.
That’s when I hit the
block and started repping too.
See I was from the Ave
----- was from the town
But a year past -----
stop coming around.
Then after a while I
heard what really went down
------ was only 18 and
he got sentenced life.
Walking home alone now
and it still don't feel right.
Everyone yell "Free Snoop!" But were ya’ll
really tight?
But now I’m sitting in
a cage too and it gets cold at night
Looking in the mirror,
I see this life ain't right.
Entry
#1451
I
was scared and worried when I got a visit last year from my mom. She came to
see me for an hour. During that hour she delivered some bad news she received
from her doctor. We hugged each other and sat down and talked about everything
that was happening while I had been locked up. I noticed something was wrong
and I wanted to know what it was. I asked her what was wrong. She said she had
something to tell me. I stood quiet and waited…she said, “I have breast
cancer”. I felt tears running down my face. I tried to stop the tears, but,
they just wouldn’t stop. I was so scared that God was going to take my mom. I
told her I know I made mistakes and hurt you in ways I wish I never had, but I
am going to change. I want Mom’s last memories to be proud of me. At that
moment a tear fell down her cheek and she said, “I love you.”
Entry #1452
Regret
I
regret lots of the things I’ve done. I don’t know why I always used to run from
all my problems when I was really the one that caused them. I always blamed
everyone who tried to help, always said, “You can go to hell.” Well?
Honestly I wanted them to stand up and help me see what I could really
be…. not a dope fiend on the side of the streets, but a man who when people see
him they all smile with glee. I didn’t want to be put down for what I’ve
done. I want to be the kind of guy who
goes and shoots hoops for fun instead of having to run from all his problems
under the sun. I’m used to being shunned and being at rock bottom where I don’t
even flinch when I’m at the bottom of a bottle. I just want to hit the throttle
and escape all my past mistakes and live a life my family can really
appreciate.
Entry
#1453
Enchiladas
Something
that makes me smile is knowing that my baby is healthy.
knowing
that may parents are still alive
when
I listen to music
when
I get along with my family
when
my boyfriend smiles
Something
that makes me smile is my little sister
waking
up to a new day
doing
things with my mom
to
be with my dad
waking
up in a good mood
love
Something
that makes me smile is when I wear makeup
my
birthday
money
Something
that makes me smile when people do nice things for me
video
chatting with my boyfriend
wondering
what my baby’s gender is
when
I think about what it’s going to be like once my baby is born.
Something
that makes me smile is summer
a
compliment
when
someone hugs me and tells me they love me
my
boyfriend’s loyalty
Something
that makes me smile is when my boyfriend got his high school diploma
when
I go to church
going
out of town
when
I go shopping
Life
makes me smile!
Entry #1454
Choices
Yea I do believe my
home town has influenced the person I am today . When I was growing up I told
myself I was never going to do drugs, but there is so much here. By eighth
grade I was doing almost all the drugs available, besides heroine. I can't
blame my choice 's on my home town. I made the choice to do the drugs. The town
just made it so easier to get ahold of the drugs. When it comes to my hometown
influencing my choices it just wasn't with drugs. There were gangs to. All my
friends wanted to gang bang so I said ***** it and went right along with them.
But like I said before, I can't blame my choices on my hometown. When I was
younger I thought gangs were what I wanted to do. I made the choices to do
drugs and gang bang. Hopefully when I leave the hall I will make better choices
but I wouldn't count on it.
I never thought I would
be locked up looking at life in prison.
Entry #1455
New Identity
When I get out of the
hall, things will be different because I won't have the same mindset.
When I get out of the
hall, I'm going to do my best to succeed.
Things will be
different because I won't be out slanging in the streets,
I'm going to stay home
with my family,
When I get out of the
hall, things will be different because I won't be doing drugs that can kill me.
When I get out of the
hall, I will miss that lifestyle, getting fast money and carrying guns.
But when I get out of
the hall, things will be different because that isn't me anymore!
Entry
#1456
Smiling Weird
Something
that makes me smile is racing in cars
a
lot o money in my pocket
a
lot of shoes
Something
that makes me smile traveling
hanging
out with friends
the
first day I get out
rap
music by Mozzy
Something
that makes me smile is going to Buffalo Wild Wings
going
on a furlough
seeing
my mom happy
Something
that makes me smile is being with my girl
is
seeing my cousins
going
to dinner with family
buying
new clothes
going
out of town on the daily
having
a good day
going
to the movies
being
myself
Something
that makes me smile is knowing my cousin is out of prison
meeting
new people
going
camping
waking
up to a new day
funny
jokes
Something
that makes me smile is people being weird
Entry #1457
Living in the Hall
I grew up in the
streets of our town and started getting in trouble at a young age. At ten I started
smoking everything possible to deal with the monsters inside my head. I got
locked up for the first time when I was 12: gta and drug possession. Now I'm on
my 23rd charge. I told my mom and son that it's the last time I would get
locked up. I'm 14 now and still in the hall…ain't ever going to leave. But when
I do I won't be coming back I'll be with my kid and baby momma. My son is going
to have the dad I didn't have. My dad left when I was 3. I'm not going to be
like my dad I'll be there for my kids no matter what I have to do. my son is my
life. He and his mom are going to come live with me when I get out. I met my
baby momma in my 8th grade year. We've been together ever since. Had are kid
just one year ago. When I get out my son’s going to have everything he wants.
He's not going to have to sell drugs in little baggies like his dad just to
live. He's not going to have to fight every day just to get a bite of food.
This time when I get out I'm saying by for good because I have something to
fight for. My son is my life. My fight. My everything.
Entry
#1458
One Day It Just Clicks
I
realize what is important and what is not. I learn to care less about what
other people think of me and more about what I think of myself. I realize how
far I have come and I remember when I thought things were such a mess that I
would never recover. I smile. I smile because I am truly proud of myself and
the person I have fought to become.
Entry #1459
The Struggle
I
should go,
But
instead I sit here and do this blow.
I know
if I stop my good personality will show,
But I
do my best to hide this glow.
I’m
handling so many drugs,
Always
running around with these thugs.
How
will I ever have a chance?
If I
don’t stop and take a glance.
I run
around these streets,
Hoping
there is someone good I can meet.
I guess
there’s not, but it was a good thought
So what
would you do,
If
that’s all you knew?
Entry #1460
Locked Doors Again
When I get out of the
hall I am going to do things different. I am not going to do meth anymore and I
am going to try to get a job. I have been in and out of the hall for the past
three years, maybe longer. Every time I get released I say that I am going to
do good, but I never do. I always end up running back to meth and all it did
was get me thrown back in the hall. I am annoyed, getting locked back up every
month or two. Now I am back in the hall again and I am going to be here for the
next 14 months. I think being here this long will help me realize that I do not
ever want to come back. Part of me still thinks that when I get back into that
negative environment, I will just get back on meth. I have been smoking meth
since I was 13 years old and I still look back on the first day I hit that
pipe. I should have just said no.
Entry #1461
Riding Problems Away
I moved and thought it
was a new beginning but what I thought didn't become a reality. I made some new
friends and thought I would change, but the problems at home kept progressing.
When I argue with my parents I ask them why we have problems. But then
something big started helping… it’s called bmx. I fell in love with it. It
helped me get away from everything that was going on. I could just put in music
and cut the whole world out. But then I started doing bad stuff and bmx kinda
faded from my life. I still rode but barely did. I miss the time when all I did
was ride. I want it to be like that again. But I'm stuck in the hall, missing
my girl, and wanting to start again. I would do anything to get my life back. I
regret ever hurting the people I love. I just can't wait to get out and get on
my bike and just ride and not think about all the bad things in the world.
That's one of the only things that keeps me pushing, but my family and my girl
are the other big thing. When I get out of the hall I’m going to make myself
greater and be a better person and put my family over everything and just know
that they are there. But bmx is one of the big motivations in my life and I
will never stop doing it.
Entry
#1462
No Fourth
“When
I get out of the hall things will be different” is what I said the last two
times I was here. This time though I plan on being a man of my word and not
coming back to this place. I plan on doing a few things different when I get
out to better myself and make my statement true.
This
time it will be true because I’m not like everyone else. Unlike others I’m
willing to change my habits. To start it off, once I get out I’m not going to
let myself smoke because even if I smoke just one day, I won’t be able to stop.
Also, I will try to stop leaving my house past curfew and every time I am out,
I’ll make sure to be back before 11:00 p.m. Once I’m out I’m going to focus on
finishing high school and getting off of probation.
Once
I’m out there’s no doubt that I’m going back in the same environment with the
same people and the same negativity. I know that won’t affect me. If someone
offers me a blunt or some brew, I’m simply going to say no. My homies respect
me enough to not bug me into doing things I don’t want to do. They might even
help me to stay out of trouble because they don’t want to see me get locked up
again for a fourth time.
Entry #1463
I Do
The town I grew up in
most definitely did influence the person I came to be! I believe if I were to grow up in a different
town or a different area, I would be a different person; I wouldn't have been
around role models that were using drugs. I wouldn't have started using drugs
myself. I wouldn't have been born & raised around the bullshit, I wouldn't
have been born around thugs and violence and thought it was cool or what I was
supposed to be like when I grew up....
When I get out this
time, I really will not come back to ANY juvenile hall... I will go straight to
county if I get into any more trouble, but I don't plan to get into any more
trouble, nobody ever does... When I get out I will marry the woman I'm in love
with, if she will marry me. She told me before, on multiple occasions, that she
would, I just had to get the rings... Then I get locked up AGAIN.
It
makes me smile to see my friends
It
makes me smile to see my dad
It
makes me smile going to school
eating
food
being
on my phone
seeing
my home
It
makes me smile getting good grades
Christmas
Day
It
makes me smile graduating
getting
a letter
and
knowing it’s from my baby brother
It
makes me smile being on Faceboo
doing
my makeup
It
makes me smile being respectful
seeing
my sister
my
big brother
It
makes me smile lying on my bed at home
It
makes me smile seeing my heavenly father
seeing
clean things
eating
candy
when
people make funny faces
It
makes me smile going to college
making
my stage
seeing
my cousins
seeing
my mom
seeing
heaven
It
makes me smile when it’s Halloween
going to a birthday party
going to a birthday party
It
makes me smile seeing my face in the mirror everyday
Entry
#1465
When I am Locked Away
I
feel the pain when I am away from my family for 365 days.
It
doesn’t feel the same waking up every day.
My
family doesn’t write me, it’s such a shame.
I
feel hopeless most every day, but I would never give in because I have faith.
These
are my feelings and I keep them locked away.
I’m
surrounded by loving people, but it’s not the same as waking up at home every
day.
Free
me until it’s backwards, January 2nd, yeah, that’s the day I get active.
Entry #1466
Deja
Vu
I'm in here stuck with
my thoughts.
They keep me up making
their roundabouts.
I feel as though I'm
losing myself piece by piece,
Into an eternal release.
Anyone who cares, can
only sit there.
When someone is
capable, they tell me I'll never be able.
I sit here in pain,
going insane.
It's like a movie
repeating in my head ,
All the scenes
connected by a thread.
I try sleep them away,
but they always pop up in my way.
I sought out what I
thought about,
Then I wind up talking
it out.
It starts out:
I'm stuck in here with
my thoughts ,
They keep me up making
their roundabouts
Entry #1467
Lost in the Crowd!
The town I grew up in
influenced me to be a kid who has to turn around every once in a while because
I can't trust anyone in this town. It made me become a drug user and a person
who hangs around the wrong crowd, influenced by gang members, always having
people on the hunt for me for the decisions I made in the past. I had to learn
how to pack every time I stepped out my front door. If not I would be 6ft deep.
I was born in the struggle, powdered eggs taught me how to hustle. Once my mom
and brother got locked up, I was doing big things, until I decided to get high.
That's what had me end up in here one day. My sister is on her own now, no one
to call when she's lonely, or even when she needs to get shit off her mind. I
know I messed up bad because she just had a kid and her uncles aren't gonna be
there for a long ass time. There's days when I'm happy, sad but mostly stressing.
I have a kid on the way. A lot changed since my family got locked up. I'll be a
father in 3 months. My little darling won't see her father till she's 3. I need
to get out of here. Thera a lot to look forward to when I get out, but also
some things I don't look forward to. I feel remorse for what I've done. If my
mom was still out I would still be a kid. But my crowd influenced me down the
wrong path. That will never be the same. Once I get out everything will change.
I hope to see my mom and my brother when I get out. I'm still waiting for that
day to come, but I can't look forward to it anytime soon. All this time being
locked up, now I’m just waiting for my sentence to go home.
Entry
#1468
Three Months of
Learning
When
I get out to the hall things will be different for me. This is the first time
that I have ever done something bad enough to get a consequence like this. I
got a sentence of three months. I don’t ever want to come back. I just want to
stay out of trouble when I am out. I want to be able to eat whatever foods I
want, to walk freely on my own and to go to sleep and wake up in my bed knowing
everything will be okay. I’ve learned many skills during the time I’ve been
here and I genuinely feel like I’ll use those skills to better myself outside.
When I get out, my life will be guided for me by probation and I will have a
monitor. I need to obey all the probation rules. Hopefully, I will not come
back due to violations. I will do the opposite of all the negative things I did
in the past to make my life better. I’ve learned from my mistakes. I know there
is a pull I have to resist: when I walk back into the negative things in my old
environment, I won’t transform into my old self.
Entry #1469
Should Not Be
Getting out...it's
probably what every inmate thinks about at least once a day. I know I do. I
also think about my two little brothers. One's six years old and the other is a
year and a half. I also have a sister on the way I and I'm scarred I won't be there
for her birth. I'm in here for starting a fire...a big fire and I think about
how dumb my choice was all the time. I hate it in here. I can't stand it. Every
minute and every second of every day brings along more anxiety and more stress
than I can handle. Sure there's good moments, like at lunch time when I'm
talking with my friends and I get distracted, but as soon as I'm sitting in my
cell alone the anxiety and the stress of it all come's rushing back. I ask
myself how could I have been so stupid? How could I let the demon drink
influence my choices so strongly. I’d do anything to get a hold of it. Even
going as far as selling my own PS3 and all my games just to get it. Just to
feel that feeling again... To forget everything. Now I suffer for it, not seeing
my family, not being there for my brothers as they grow and get older. This
place should not be for me. I don't want to be here but I did my crime of
endangering so many lives. Now...I have to do my time.
