****The Writing Exchange**** Sacramento, Shasta, and Butte County Juvenile Halls: September 2016

Entry #1236

Everything In My Power

On June first, I was released from juvenile hall. I was happier than I could ever be and I had it all planned out: moving in with my dad who was diagnosed with liver cancer. The first night I was released I was hanging out with my friends at a school after hours. I'll admit I was doing some things I shouldn’t have been doing, drinking, smoking, etc. I was too drunk to even keep my head up and I hear, “What's up mother *******!” Then 9 gunshots... We all scattered and started running the opposite direction. Luckily nobody was shot.

About a week later me, my dad, and my brother went to the park to let my dog play and when we got back our mobile home was gone! The landlord took it because we were late on our rent. My counseling services put us in a hotel for about a month, and then we were kicked out because it was a hotel, not a motel. So my counselor put us in a motel. We were kicked out of there for leaving our dog in the room... stupid right? Then, my counselor moved us to a third motel room where we got kicked out of the next day for the room supposedly being too dirty.

I felt like we couldn't do anything right, so I went back to smoking dope and abandon my family, leaving my mom, my brother, and my dying dad behind. I started doing my own thing and stopped going to my required locations probation had me going to every week. My probation officer gave me a call about a week later and told me I needed to come in and test. My stomach dropped. I ruined it. I messed up everything. When I tested, they detained me and I was taken to juvenile hall, where I remain for a violation of probation.

While here my brother told me on the phone that my dad has 3 to 6 months to live. I messed up. If I get out before my dad dies, I am going to do it all different. I am going to do everything in my power to stay out and spend as much time with my dad as possible. I will try my hardest to care and provide for my family no matter what. (Love you dad.)

Entry #1237

I Can Feel

“Sometimes you have to smile and act like everything is okay, hold back the tears and walk away.” When I think about how I don’t get visits and how my family doesn’t write me, I act like it doesn’t bother me. I hear about all the other girls’ visits and how they talk about when they get out, their moms and dads are going to take them out to eat. Also take them school shopping. I hear about how much they miss their bedroom and the things they have. I wish I had that, but I never show it. I have a smile on my face every day. No one knows it’s fake. Truth is I have very little that makes me truly happy. I’ve learned that sometimes the best thing to do is smile and act like everything is okay, so people don’t know I how truly feel. When people ask me, “Who do you live with, your mom and dad?” I answer no. There’s always that next question “Why not?” Then that happy, bubbly person fades away because now they know the truth. My mom is in prison and my dad is a dope fiend struggling with life himself. Every day I am smiling and saying funny things to make people laugh so I don’t have to think about how ****** up my life has been. For the past four months I’ve been in juvenile hall in the drug program. I’ve been completely sober and it feels good being sober. Don’t get me wrong, but one thing I can’t stand about being sober is the fact that I can feel. I used to block everything out, put that smile on my face and act like everything is okay. Now, I’m sober and reality kicks in and everything seems real, because it is. I try my hardest to be that happy person everyone thinks I am, because the truth is sometimes you have to smile and act like everything is okay, hold back the tears and walk away.

Entry # 1238

Goodbye

Where will it start, when will this end?

Will the voices continue, or finally perish?

Are you lost, or are you found?

I’m fading from all this pain.

I see the light, but close my eyes.

There is nothing left for me here.

I hold on to the truth deep down inside,

But always caught found using lies.

I tried to hold on,

See the white around the black.

Lost the one I loved,

Gained the things I tried to fight.

I once believed,

But my faith was wronged.

The sinister gray world turned,

Now darkness surrounds me.

Tried to live free,

But the guilt and grief have found me.

A time that was once bliss,

Seem to never last.

Leaving,

Crying,

Too late

Already gone,

Good-Bye….

Entry #1239

The Stress

Today, I’ve learned to cope with the stress, anger and depression; it has been a long hard journey. I have spent 8 months coming in and out of the hall. The first couple of times was a breeze… 30 days? 60 days? Did them like a cake walk. It was making me mad, but it wasn’t until I got committed 180 days I really started comprehend how much I really hurt myself and hurt my family that would do anything for me. I’m tired of asking to do everything: use the bathroom, get a drink of water, sharpen my pencil and much more. I’ve learned that I really just need to learn how to program and get out of here and continue my life. The problem is that I haven’t been on the right and narrow path. I’ve gone off the road and into the dirt, but being in here has really shown me that I’m tired of making that quick buck just so when I slip up I can get caught up and spend time in the hall. And when I turn 18 it’s not going to be no 60 days, it will be a long, long time. I don’t want that for my life. I want to make my own family proud, provide for my family and give back to my loved ones who have done so much for me. I want to show them I can truly make them proud of me and I know how to make the right choices when given a dilemma, showing the whole world and myself that I can live my life clean and sober and make my money legally. I want a safe and happy environment for my child. There’s a lot I need to do, so when I get out in 17 days, I’m going to prove to myself that this isn’t just all talk. I’ll make my family proud.

Entry #1240

It’s Going To Start Now

Growing up wasn't easy on the streets a lot of rivals and haters everywhere I be. These so called friends they claim to be, they are hating on me for doing me. Whenever I needed them they were nowhere to be seen, so day and night I started to realize this gang life wasn't the same to me. I realized I always end up behind bars sitting in my cell looking at a brick white wall asking myself, “When am I going to change?” I hate the way I’m going in life, staying on the streets at night with homies. I thought they were my boys till I finally realized I don't need them in my life. They’re no good for me and just bad for my health. It’s time to make a change and it’s going to start now. As soon as I graduate from here it’s going to be me and my family that I’m going to worry about. I hope the others stuck in the struggle can change before they get deeper in this lifestyle.

Entry #1241

Things I hide

“Sometimes you have to smile and act like everything’s okay, hold back the tears, and walk away.”

I pretend like everything is fine when I really feel like I’m dying inside

You’d never think so, because I don’t let it show

I’m sad inside, but you’d never know

I’m different when I’m not locked up

But when I’m here my guard is up

I’m in my feelings when I’m alone

I hope the other minors don’t know

I’m getting tired of being strong

But that’s what I have to do to keep moving on

So even though I want to cry

You won’t see because I hold it inside

But I know for sure that once I’m out

The tears will fall like they’ve been in a drought

Then I guess everyone will see

I hurt from all the things I’ve seen

I can only be strong for so long

Can anyone say what I’m doing is wrong?

Even though I don’t know why

Sometimes I just need to cry

Letting everything come out

Makes me feel better inside and out

Entry #1242

Hope

I miss being free

I can't wait to be reunited with my family

I think about them every day

It makes me smile when I see my mom smile because it means I finally did something right

8 months and I'm still here in the hall, but this time I'm not leaving empty handed

I'm getting my diploma

I'm making my mom proud

I wouldn't have accomplished everything that I have accomplished without the support of my family and the hall staff

I proved my haters and enemies wrong

I showed them that I could become successful

And I'm going to continue to be successful

I miss my family... I want my freedom... And hope is all I have for now.

Entry # 1243

Guide

From time of dark

You are there

You act as light

And guide the young out

You show them truth

And blast the lies

You act as a statue

And become a symbol

You give hope

In times of need

But in the end

Nothing is forever

So until I see you again

I hope you continue

To be the light you are

Never to dim or be covered

Entry #1244

Today

I smile because of you

I laugh because of you

I am happy because of you

I am grateful because of you

I wake up everyday because of you

"Everyday"

I get weak because of you

I break into pieces because of you

I am hurting because of you

I feel unappreciated because of you

I can't sleep right because of you

"Yesterday"

Entry #1245

SMILE

It makes me smile when I see my little brothers and sisters having fun

It makes me smile when someone compliments me

It makes me smile when my older brother and I actually have a conversation

It makes me smile when I’m with my boyfriend

It makes me smile when my mom takes me places

when I eat ice cream

when I sing or dance in front of my home girls

It makes me smile when I’m in church

It makes me smile when I’m angry but showing people I’m happy

It makes me smile when I make good decisions and listen to my mom

when my family is happy

when I’m having fun

It makes me smile when I get my toe nails done

when I hear music

when I spend time with my friends and family

It makes me smile when I tell my mom “good morning and I love you”

when I have makeup on

when I see or hear things on Facebook or Facebook in general

It makes me smile when I have my phone

when I take selfies

when I chitchat with boys

It makes me smile when my family and friends tell me that they love me

when I go to parties with my sisters and home girls

It makes me smile on my birthday

when I go swimming

when I get letters in juvenile hall

on my release day

when I hear my mom’s beautiful voice

It makes me smile when I get new clothes and shoes

when I hold babies

when my mom and dad give me money

It makes me smile when I make new friends or meet new people

when my wishes become true

when I have lots of money

It makes me smile when the days are over

Entry #1246

Addiction

People have been

Telling me I am

Addicted to drugs

For a long time.

I always told them they were wrong.

I was blinded by the fact that I was

Actually addicted. Although
I’ve never done hard drugs,

I was doing over-the-counter

Cough syrup and weed.

Occasionally other things,

Like pills and what not.

One day I realized that I actually had a problem

Because I couldn’t remember

A time when I wasn’t high.

I was neglecting my family,

Stealing money from my parents,

And lying. My excuse for using was always,

“I’m just a teen trying to have fun.”

That’s what it started out as,

But once I was getting

High so much that my life changed and I was affecting other people.

I realized I had a problem.

Entry #1247

Struggling

A time when I had to smile and act like everything was ok and hold back my anger/tears and just walk away was last year. I got left at apartment alone because we ended up getting kicked out. I had problems with my mom and her boyfriend and I didn't want to move in to her boyfriend’s house, so I got left alone with three Pitbull puppies. We got them because we were supposed to move into a house but plans changed. That night I got left alone around 11:00pm at night with just my basket of my clothes, my three dogs, and their bag of food. I walked to my girlfriends and I was awake all night in her parking lot with my dogs because I had nowhere to stay. It sucked knowing my mom actually left me alone for her boyfriend and took my brothers with her. My girlfriend would look at me and I would smile to her and act like it didn't bother me, like everything was going to be okay. I didn't cry or anything. I just walked away out of my mom’s life for about half a year without seeing her or talking to her. She didn't help me out the whole time I was in the streets looking for a home. I moved from place to place, city to city. It was just crazy for me having to pack my things all the time from place to place. But I went through it all. My friends fed me. My girlfriend and her family, a lot of people helped out but I was still on my own. I was struggling, but I made it without my mom. I got a couple jobs and I even got my own apartment. Eventually I started talking to my mom because of certain reasons. Therefore, she told me I had a warrant of my arrest so I turned myself in and now I'm in here for 5-8 months. Two of my dogs got adopted and the other one, my girlfriend has.

Entry# 1248

No Time

Nobody has time to dwell in the past, that’s why my days went by fast, until I crashed back into this mess. Now I’m trapped. I can’t deal with this stress. But wait, I see the light shining down on me, with all you people trying to clown on me. You see, I have looked to the higher power. Thank God for my every hour. Now I’m just chilling with my thoughts. Will it be Heaven or Hell? I can’t wait for my PO to let me out of this cell, so I can tell my girl how much I love her. I’m not holding back because I have to uncover the truth in this mix of lies. I live. All of the pain I have caused her, hoping she will forgive me.

With all of the time I spend thinking, it’s no wonder my old mentality is shrinking. It might be sinking because, I want a better life. My life is like a knife. Hold it right, I’m safe, but I slip up I get sliced. I have to reach out for help. I can’t keep my goals on the shelf forever. I’m never going to stop trying to find my true potential, even though the Psych Doctor thinks I’m mental. I’m not. I just have a lot of problems, but problems can be solved if I put your mind to it, but I won’t get there if I just say, “screw it.” I won’t get anywhere with that attitude. You might think I’m rude, but I’m just not in the mood to hear you whine. I’m just being real. So real, all these lame *** hating fakers couldn’t see me with 20/20 vision. I’m on a mission to take back my life. I don’t have time to stand here and cry, so I’ll stand tall and fight until my life runs out. I might just make something of myself, but it won’t happen overnight.

Entry #1249

Things You’d Never See

There’s a problem in our society

We think we know from what we see

When you look at me I bet you think

You know all there is to know of me

By looking at me you’d never think

I’ve been through the things that make me, me

You’d never see what I’ve had to see

Like loving a man who’d beat on me

Cover bruises up so no one sees

Hide all the pain inside of me

You’d never know my family

There were five of us but now there’s three

Grandma, auntie, mom, brother and me

Take me away because I’m in juvie

Take auntie out, may she rest in peace

You’re probably wondering about my daddy

That man doesn’t have any time for me

He’s too busy selling dope in the streets

I didn’t even meet the fool until I was thirteen

You’d never look in the mirror and stare back at me

Scars covering my body, all five foot three

Little lines from my thighs to feet

Dang, who wouldn’t want to be me?

You’d never think I’ve been to juvie

Doing six months right now for smoking weed

Eighty days until I leave

I’ll go back to be with my family

So when you think you know me

Just simply think of what you really see

Before you start defining me

Entry # 1250

Hopes & Dreams

I hope that in the future my children can live a better life than I have lived. I dream of the smile on my family’s face when they see what I have turned my life into. I hope the feelings people get when they see me in the stores, or on the streets will be peace, not hate. I dream about the day I will be able to tell the world what I do without feeling ashamed. I hope I will be able to be friends with people that have a positive influence on my life. I dream about having the money to help my mom pay her bills, to help my sister get into college, and to keep my brother out of trouble. I hope I will be good enough at what I do to keep doing it. I dream about living a great life, without using drugs or alcohol. I hope I will grow old knowing I did right by my family. I hope my brother and sister think highly of me when they grow up. I dream of waking up next to my wife in a nice house that I can call my own.

Entry #1251

Life’s Code

How we know

Which is right?

Does not follow a book

But instead a code

Each identical to your own

It is a code known to all

A code meant to act

A guild meant for life

We learn and build it as we go

For which it stands

Is who we are

That is a moral code

Entry #1252

Makes Me Smile

It makes me smile to see my son smile

to see him happy

when I play with my him

It makes me smile to think of my grandma

to hear my son say mom

when I give my son kisses

It makes me smile to know I have a stable place

to know I have enough food for my son

to know my son is healthy

It makes me smile when things go right

when I get to drive my car

when I have lots of money

It makes me smile when I get all the laundry done

It makes me smile to think of old memories

It makes me smile when I finish a good book

when I accomplish something

when the day ends

when I smoke weed

It makes me smile when I have my freedom

It makes me smile when I get letters

It makes me smile to eat good food

to drink MTN DEW

It makes me smile when I hang out with Angel

It makes me smile to think about my future

It makes me smile to know I get out soon

It makes me smile to talk to my siblings

It makes me smile to know I have such a handsome son

It makes me smile when someone says their proud of me

Entry #1253

Hopefully

I wake up every day in the hall smiling knowing my family and my girlfriend are still there supporting me, but another part of me wakes up sad knowing deep down inside I’m letting them all down because all I do is promise, promise, promise, that I will stay clean and sober and not end up back in the hall. Now I have a daughter on the way and I still can’t get on track. I’ve been constantly blaming other people for my mistakes and getting mad at all the counselors that I think are bossing me around, but in reality I know they’re trying to help me change to be a better father so I can be there for my family and daughter. I have 2 weeks left in the hall and about 20 days till my baby is born. Hopefully I can keep my promise this time and be there for my daughter’s life and just hopefully I can change for the better.

Entry #1254

Peppermint Coffee

I smile when I am gardening, feeling the sunshine and the cool breeze, hearing the birds chirping.

I smile when I see my family is around me.

I smile when I am healthy and go fishing. When I am around wildlife and nature.

I love waking up and taking a deep breath of fresh air, seeing the sun rise, and drinking a fresh pot of peppermint coffee.

I can’t wait until I’m at home, sitting by the river in the morning breeze, sipping my first cup.

Entry #1255

Three More Days…

My release date is only three days away. I think that it’s funny because I never thought that I would ever get out of this place. It feels like I have been here forever. Here I am going on 200-something days spent in juvenile hall. I have changed so much over the past seven months of my life. The kid who came into booking with handcuffs on his wrists, well he is just not the same anymore. I look back at my life before I got arrested; it seems so dark. Deep down inside I was so hurt and hated my life: constantly controlled by drugs and alcohol. My life got so unbearable that the week of my arrest I armed myself with a knife and had a 45 minute stand-off with the police, me challenging them to shoot me the entire time. I wanted it to all be over for good, you know? However, I am so thankful that the only thing those cops shot me with was a taser. Here I am eight months later and still on this planet. For once, my life actually seems worth living. Spending more than half of 2016 locked up honestly has been the best thing to happen to me in a long, long time. I can’t wait to find out what my life will be like after I am released from this pace. I have a good feeling about things, that’s for sure.

Entry # 1256

Titans Curse

A warrior’s heart forever trapped

Tortured soul neither strong nor weak

But something is between

A weight not meant to hold

The curses cure not despair

A path of healing never easy

One can only fight for so long

So look for peace through the darkness

Entry #1257

Good Times

It makes me smile when I eat menudo

when I eat shrimp

when I eat posole

when I eat Taco Bell

when I eat pizza

It makes me smile when I eat hot Cheetos

when I eat takis

when I eat carne asada

It makes me smile when I eat Denny’s

when I drink Pepsi

It makes me smile when I get Jordan’s

when I get Nikes

It makes me smile when I listen to music

when I get on Facebook

when I get on YouTube

when I get on Instagram

It makes me smile when I get compliments

when I see the homies

when I see hello kitty

It makes me smile when I have money

when I go shopping

when I do new things

It makes me smile when I go cruising

when I go to the beach

It makes me smile when I see my mom

when I see my sister

when I see my brother

It makes me smile when I see cute boys

when I see Belinda

when I see Destiny

Entry # 1258

Inner Demon

I am from Death and Darkness

A land of Shadows

A place where the strong survive

From the Bones of the past

And the cries of newborns

To the castle of gold

With the gates of silver

And for the pit of lava which surrounds it

From the Monsters and Creepers

All which come

I am the Bridge to the Dark World and Shadowlands

One in which is all but forgotten like I am nothing

But in the End

I am your Nightmare

The one you bury in Hope of living

From Here you rung and Here you return

For I am the Beginning as well as the End

Believe what you must but I’ll be waiting

For I am eternal and tired of hiding.

Entry #1259

Smiling

It makes me smile to feel my baby kick.

to no she’s awake.

to know I’m almost out.

It makes me smile when I have food in my mouth.

when I eat orange chicken.

knowing my dad can cook it in the kitchen

It will makes me when I find my baby’s name.

It makes me smile to know I’m a stage, and

It makes me smile to know my parents are okay.

It makes me smile to see my love’s face.

to no he’s okay, and

to be here today.

It makes me smile to know my baby’s father is still here.

to know he’s going nowhere.

It makes me smile to see my parent’s.

It makes me smile because I don’t have to worry about warrants.

It makes me smile knowing my brother is doing well today.

knowing he’s graduating any day.

It makes me smile waking up to another day.

It makes me smile when I have a great day.

It makes me smile to see Jessica today.

It makes me smile to see I’m doing well.

when I remember the good.

when I have my phone.

when I hear the ringtone.

It makes me smile knowing my baby is healthy.

It makes me smile to see my siblings.

to know they’re still here for me.

It makes me smile to see my nephew some days.

to no he’s turning two any day.

It makes me smile knowing my best friend.

knowing he’s still alive this day.

It makes me smile seeing my mom some days.

It makes me smile knowing she gets more beautiful every day.

Entry #1260

Night of Ice

I miss is walking through the park whenever I want, going where I want. I miss the ice. I miss skating.

The ice helped me forget my past of the day. The ice sucks the bad out: made me feel like a different person.

There is a magic on the ice that heals and brings people together.

The friends that are made are different than the ones that are made at a school or the park.

There’s the music, the hot coco, watching people have fun, and having conversations about what you wouldn't talk about to anyone else of in any other place.

That is the one thing that I miss the most. I hope it will come again someday.

Entry #1261

To Be Free

It makes me smile to be free and enjoy the freedom at hand, the mist of the waves and my feet in the sand.

It also makes me smile to be in control of my own day and not stop myself from whatever it is I want to say.

I miss my family and my own comfy bed, I miss home-cooked meals and my mom putting braids in my head.

I can't wait to get out and fly over seas; the thought of being detained brings me to my knees.

I think about the kisses and hugs. All you get in here are disses and mugs.

I miss the family perks because they're all out of love, although when I came through those intake doors all those emotions were gone, like a migrating dove.

Entry #1262

Learning

This is my first time being locked up. I didn’t know what to expect. I walked in the pod and met a stage three. Later he was one of the only people I would talk to. I fell asleep easy the first night. I couldn’t believe I was in Juvenile Hall.

I woke up the next morning and didn’t believe I was here. I thought it was a dream. My first few weeks here were pretty hard. I was learning everything from scratch.

But after a while I got the hang of things. Pretty soon I was going for my stage two and I accomplished it. I got it after one month and others took longer than I did. I then realized it might not be so bad. I would see my parent’s on the weekends for visits and that helped a lot.

I started going for my stage three. I am a stage three before my half time. That was something I was really proud of. I was trying to go on furloughs. I have now been here four months and going on my first furlough next week, hopefully.

Being in here was a big change for me, but with a little help and support from my family I’m getting through it. I’m learning a lot about myself and to appreciate the things I have.

Entry #1263

A Blink Into My Life

I’m labeled as a criminal, it’s not subliminal, and it’s obvious.

My friends’ parents used to think the worst of me, thinking' I live my life on ignorance.

They questioned my motives of why I sold drugs.

So my sister can eat the last food in the fridge, so my family can have all the necessities,

I’m going to be a man and get my own cash so there’s one less person for my mother to have to worry about.

So I can go out and get new clothes without my mom having' to worry about having' enough money for the rent after shopping. The list can go on.

But I need to switch my lane, get a job, and be safe. When I’m out all night, I know my mother is worrying if I’ll be alive the next day or if I'm going to be on my way to the prison. I can’t have my mom with those worries, along with my sister watching me do wrong. I'm going to try my best to make up for my mistakes, but it’s my life. I have to overcome my dilemma, and I promise I'm going to make it big. I promise momma.

Entry #1264

Black Swordsman

Here I am in my cloak of midnight

A reassuring weight on my back

Two swords, one blue one black

My faith in humanity forever crushed

Only to trust the blades I honed

I fight the monsters that remain

To live and stand another day

Or I am the black swordsman

Wirth title and right burdened only by my life

Two blades forever cursed