****The Writing Exchange**** Sacramento, Shasta, and Butte County Juvenile Halls: April 2016

Entry #1120

FRESH AIR

Fantasizing about my 18th birthday.

Ready, waiting for the real world.

Eager to prove myself.

Shunning this circulated air.

Hatred fills every fiber of my being, deprived of blue skies.

Another day will come and go.

Inaccurate clocks tick along slowly.

Raging, I'm ready to go home

Entry #1121

ANGELS

Arising from the depths of the earth

Nothing but darkness in front of me

Grotesque images of foul beasts lighten the path

Everything is in a blur

Life itself is ending for me

Something tells me I'm not being taken by angels

Entry #1122

FAR AWAY

Feelings of sorrow and loneliness

Above all I'm here without you

Realizing what I have done

Alive but feeling dead inside

Why must I feel this way

Agonizing pain of separation

Yelling, hoping you hear, but you’re so far away

Entry #1123

My Son

I’m trying to change but old ways are on me like a bad dream. Being locked up makes me think. I have a kid now. Now it’s time to work and make legal money. I hate being locked up; it gets on my nerves! I use to just fight in here. That’s the past. I’m done. I’m changing now. Now I will die doing everything I can for my son. I’m going to graduate from high school and go to college. I’m not going to jail! I’m not going to prison! I’m going to succeed and change.

Entry #1124

STRIVE

Struggling

Through all the

Rapid burst of being an

Individual

Valuing my

Everyday struggle

Entry #1125

GUILTY

Gone for months at a time

Ultimately, never to be found

In a different state

Lying about my name
To the police and anyone suspicious
Yet I'm back again

Entry #1126

A Letter to Me at Age 7

You have no idea of what is to come in the years ahead. Right now you are innocent and know nothing, but soon that is going to change. When you cross paths with alcohol turn the other way! When it seems fun to be out all night with friends; it is not going to be worth it in the end. It will all turn into much more than it seems and you will soon become addicted…addicted to drugs and alcohol. You will find yourself walking down the wrong path and lost in a scary world. Quickly you will lose those who are close to you. You will become all alone. If you do not make the right choices you will get placed on probation and arrested numerous times. You will begin to hate your life. Stop yourself before it is too late! If you don’t, when you are 16 you will spend seven months where I am today, locked up!

Entry #1127

TEEN ANGST

Thoughts of damnation and self-hatred pierce the brain.

Every day is the same a crippling force of sadness and repetition.

Even now it’s unbearable I can’t live with myself any longer.

Never able to see the truth that I am save-able.

Anxiety crushing my every bone a gut wrenching pain.

Negativity flooding my thoughts and spilling out my eyes.

Great cries for help lost within the void of society.

Shame within my eyes as I see what I have become.

The end has come and only I am to blame for the downfall of myself.

Entry #1128

ANXIETY

Always locked up

No freedom allowed

X-mas behind blue doors

I can’t leave when I want

Everyone always watching

Tempted to leave at every turn

Yet still time to go.

Entry #1129

A Family

The best vacation I’ve been on with my family is to Disneyland. My little brother, and my older brother, my mom and step dad and I went on every single ride. We went to a lot of gift shops and stayed in five star hotels. We ate out at many different restaurants. It was great because my mom was clean off drugs. She and my step dad were still together and we had our little brother with us and we were a family I really miss that.

Entry #1130

HAPPINESS

Having a moment that I wouldn’t want to end anytime soon.

Appreciating those who are near.

Playing around without a care in the world about how I look.

Pure bliss with every moment.

Inspiring others by just being myself.

No substances necessary

Expressing my inner child.

Saying silly stuff with confidence.

Simply sublime.

Entry #1131

GOING HOME

Got stripped of my freedom

Over the life of incarceration

In and out all of my youth

Never free, always alone just me

Gone from my life on the outs

Home run!!! I just got the news

Over and out I guess this is it

Moving on with life, freedoms on its way

Everyone doubted me, but I graduated!

Entry #1132

WARRIOR

Withstand the hard times

Accountable when needed

Relentless

Righteous

Independent

Outsider

Ready at all times

Entry #1132

ESCAPE

Everlasting thoughts of getting out

So tired of waiting

Conscience telling me not to

About to make the climb

People screaming to get down

Eating with my family at last

Entry #1133

GONE

Going down,

On my own.

Now, I’ve found the way,

Ending the day

Entry # 1134

Shadow of a Soul

When I think of her,

lie thoughts of suicide,

with a shadow of a soul that no one knows

It’s just how it goes,

never to let my pain fade.

Entry #1135

DEATH IN MY FAMILY

Doesn't anyone care?

Everyone surrounds me with unintentional love

At least I know he's somewhere safe

Today creates a new tomorrow, for him at least

Help, he never had it

Insecurity flushed his mind

Now grandpa's gone

My life is disastrous without him

Family is my top priority

Arms and hands pulling me down

My actions are not those of anticipation

I can’t see what the future brings

Letting go of the ones you loved most

You can only hope for the best

Grandfather will I ever see you again? Mom cries every night wishing and praying you come home with toffee like you used too, but you can’t anymore so this is goodbye for now grandpa, for now.

Yet I still find a way

Entry #1136

Time

Time, the all consuming

Time I hate

We all do time, spend time

I myself do time

My bunkie and I do time together

He hates time

Why do we hate time

Time is the only logical answer

Time makes me feel depressed

Time locks me away

Time keeps me from my family

I really hate time

I wish I could get rid of time

I wish my time was over

I want to kill time

Make time go faster

I sit and think of time

Time goes by slower

When will be my time to leave?

Only time will tell

If time was non-existent Then I might love time

But until then I really, really hate time

FREEDOM

Fighting against myself.

Rage

Energy spent on doing the wrong things

Entering Juvenile Hall again

Done being a failure and a disappointment

Opened my eyes.

My time is now

Entry #1138

POSITIVE

Patience is key.

Ordinary life, wanting to be something bigger.

Severe depression

Into darkness with no escape

Time is running out

Isn't quitting an option?

Very determined to succeed

Envious of a better life!

Entry #1139

Lost in the Dark

Love is more deadly than drugs ever will be

open my eyes to the thing I cannot see

Valentine’s Day is always the worst for me,

Every time I think of her my mind goes crazy

no matter how hard I try to forget,

I still end up seeing her inside my mind

but it’s my fault for making a deal with the devil

and now I have to live a sad and lonely life,

I lost the only light that can help me move on in my life.

Entry #1140

FUTURE

Fighting for my freedom

Under constant watch

Time ticking slower and slower each day

Understanding what I have to do to become free

Really starting to visualize a hopeful life

Everything will be alright one day

Entry #1141

WICKED WAYS

Wonder who will be there for me,

Inside my mind I'll never be free,

Crazy is a new sanity,

Knowing who I am, is nothing to understand,

Escaping this way is never going to be,

Drowning in thoughts that aren't really me,

Who is who and who is me,

Awakened to nothing new,

You’re not me and I'm not you,

So who am I, and who are yo

Entry #1142

Hecka High

The best vacation I have ever been on is when I went to Hawaii with my cousin, a foreign exchange student, mom, uncle, and sister. We went to Honolulu, Oahu. It was so beautiful, all of the different beaches and sights to see. We went surfing, hiking, boating, swimming, and parasailing. We did so many fun things there. We stayed on north shore for half the trip in a beach house and the rest in a hotel in Honolulu city on the beach. The hiking was so amazing. We hiked up Diamond Head and also to two different waterfalls. The surfing was the best though. I surfed at north shore on the famous Pipeline. The parasailing was really rad. I went up hecka high and thought I was going to fall, the adrenaline rush was crazy. The most important part of the trip though was being there with my family. They made it the best vacation ever.

Entry # 1143

All I Need

Loyalty is what I cannot live without, over the years I see people with fake loyalty.

Yes, some people are loyal and those are the people I plan on keeping around.

As I opened my eyes, I can see the stuff I could not see in the past.

Life is too short to live a lie, so it’s time to man up

And stop lying to myself, and maybe life will get better.

Entry #1144

Fighting Demons

If you really knew me you’d know I’m actually very smart and mature for my age (despite the fact am locked up), but I can also be mean and sometimes rude (sorry).

If you really knew me you’d know I am also a sweet, kind-hearted, loving person with a lot of potential.

If you really knew me you’d know my mom is and always has been my hero. I admit sometimes we don’t get along but I will always love her.

If you’d really knew me you’d know I am sixteen years old and I was born in another state, and I’ve lived in a couple different places.

You’d know I am Mexican

You’d know I am a Christian with some sins.

You’d know my favorite food is spaghetti w/ meatballs.

If you really knew me you’d know I started using drugs when I was only eleven.

Above all that I still manage to do well in school and I managed to get my first job at fourteen.

You’d know I got locked up the first time at fifteen. I tried to leave home while on one and ended up fighting my brother.

If you really knew me you’d know I have a beautiful daughter… She’ll be two this coming June. I’m not the best mom in the world, am anything but, but I do my best to give her everything I can.

You’d know me and my daughter’s father are no longer together after almost three years of dating.

If you really knew me you’d know this is just a summary of the ongoing story of ME.

Just know there’s more to this story and everyone has demons they are fighting.

Entry #1145

Misunderstood

All my soul and body are misunderstood,

but all I have has been misunderstood.

Always letting the pride decide,

feeling like my sin is all of my mind,

never to let me know my own kind.

Entry #1146

In My Thoughts

It’s crazy how people can change you and your perspective on life. When I was younger I used to always have a smile on my face and have fun, I never once thought that anything could go wrong, never did I think that mad people could or would even kill or hurt others physically either. My mom always told me, don’t go out so late because you never know who’s out there, she always warned me every day not to trust everyone and watch my surroundings wherever I went. I never really listened to her because I was never alone, I was always with my friends, until one night I was walking back from a friend’s house and there was an incident that threatened my safety.

Ever since then I never go anywhere by myself and I don’t trust anyone that I’m not close to. I always watch my surroundings now. Now almost everyone owns a gun, and a lot of people are letting drugs and alcohol take over. It’s not just this town though it’s all over the world, it seems things are getting worse day by day. It’s really sad to see on the news that young people are losing their lives over petty things and most of the time it’s just because they’re in the wrong place at the wrong time. May my old friend and older sister rest in peace, you guys are forever in my thoughts.