Entry
#934
End of the Month
I
grew up poor. Even though I've always been poor, I've managed to make it.
Feeling hungry, waiting to find a way to get food is hard. We depended on food
stamps and when we ran out at the end of the month, my mom would have to steal
and sell drugs to get money, just to put food on our table. Having no money has
physically broken my family apart. We had to separate after not being able to
afford our rent when it was due. Separating me, my sisters, my mom, and our
dogs was the hardest thing. We all had to find somewhere to live, someone who
would take us in. Even though not having money has made our lives a struggle,
it still brings me happiness in the end because when I lay my head down at the
end of the night, I know that my family will always make me happy no matter the
situation. We don't need money to bring each other’s spirits up and we are
always there for each other no matter what struggle we go through in life. That’s
the best feeling in the world. I have learned that money isn't “all powerful,”
because it still hasn't managed to take away my love, joy, and family.
Entry #936
Entry #936
Dark Days
I’m
told I’ve been through a lot, but the thought never occurred to me
It
was a rite of passage to watch my white and gray J's turn to scarlet and
Burgundy
And
I wasn’t even plagued by a single nightmare or a flashback
Just
elevated my game, went from knife ware to a black strap
Living
life like a match pack all lit up as one
Burning
bright in the night
Leave
an impact before I’m done
I
know a war will come for a man who wants peace
But
that seem like a paradox
Because
the wars never cease
Like
the war in the East, I was about the bread
Running
up in the house, XD pressed against the head
But
the past is dead, and I’m struggling to cope
Gotta
look up
One
year off of dope
Entry
#938
I Hate Reunions
I
wake up to a loud click to the cold steel doors; I realize I’m locked back up,
coming out of a great dream that takes me out of this facility.
Stuck
in a state of confusion, in and out for 4 years is taking its toll on me, commissary
is getting empty, pod mates just reminiscing,
Released…
Happy
as can be…
Took
a hit of some weed...
Back
on the streets...
Kissed
my double styro cup...
Now
I can’t stop leaning...
Hit
the plug up...
I
got everybody fiending…
I’m
back…
Everybody
greeting, happy to see me, kind of sad that this place is a reunion. I guess it really is true, “What goes up, must
come down.” I’ll be home sometime next year off probation. Once I leave there’s
no coming back. Maybe I can graduate to the federal penitentiary with my
brother.…..No, I’m tired of the damn
cells.
Entry
#939
Paper with a Number
I
have done some despicable things just for a piece of paper with a number and a
picture on it, from drug dealing to robberies. Money is what runs this tiny
little blue dot we call earth. Money can be the most fantastic thing that can
happen to someone, along with the worst thing to ever happen to a person. It
can change you as a person along to changing how people perceive you. In my
life I have experienced having huge amounts of money and I have experienced
having no money. It really took over my life at that time; I became so money
hungry that I made a point to hurt people just to get what I felt like I needed.
I would sell things to people I knew, and I knew in my heart it would just hurt
them in the long run. As long as it would make me some of that money I was so entranced,
it made me think it was okay. I've gone from rags to riches but in the end none
of that matters because that is part of the reason I am where I'm at today...Stuck
in a cage unable to contact the majority of my loved ones. If you can't
memorize an address or a number then you’re simply out of luck.
Entry
#940
Changing Course
Not
being given a second chance…
It's
been more like 15-20.
I've
set myself up for failure time and time again.
The
chance of my lifetime has come,
I'm
escaping this county along with all the memories, and the fake Homies.
20
years from now, the smell of musk won't repulse me,
I'm
going to a rehab
I’m
going to find the old me!
Not
going to be that 17 year old girl that's lonely.
Pathetic
clouds have parted and the sun has escaped,
no
longer stuck in the drugs living for the minute,
I'm
now living for each day
Entry
#943
Invisible Warfare
My
life sometimes feels like a brick in the wall
empty
and just blended with them all
I
feel like I'm going to fall from the sky
I'm
not afraid to die
Long
nights my spirit fights
It's
messed up to walk around with
No
eternal light
Immortality
is the key
I
seek compassion
But
my mind comes into play and
Positivity
flees as selfish deeds replace
I
drift into a chaotic place
The
world feels like an evil game
Full
of pain as my mind refrains
That
is not my destiny
I
have to quit stressing
Entry
#945
Changed
Money,
green as Sin,
I've
witnessed things that shouldn't have been,
From
that I've got a messed up life,
Liver
disease, I've seen my grandma die,
My
ma and dad used to cheat and lie,
They
used to steal my things just to get high,
My
mom, she's M.I.A,
Won't
write back and it makes me cry,
My
dad’s just as bad,
Every
time I get close it makes him livid,
He’d
say, "Money is never enough. To get through life you’ve got to be tough,"
Five
years later I'm living in the Hall working out,
Standing
tall but I want more out of life,
No
more drugs no more strife.
Entry
#947
Reflection
I
look out my window and what do I see? Street walking zombie people strung out
on D.
It’s
scary and sad how this life can be.
I
can’t handle my emotions so I’m steady puffin on tree.
On
the run again I’m deep in the street,
And
I’m trying my hardest not to tweak.
What
fills my heart with all of this pain?
Maybe
it’s God’s punishment for saying his name in vain.
I
pray for better days as I survive this dreamy haze.
Stuck
in this lifestyle like a drug infested maze….
I
look in the mirror and what do I see?
A
street walking zombie person strung out on D.
Entry
#948
WITNESS
they
call me a witness
try
and put me on the stand
I
didn't write anything down
I
didn't say anything man
I
guess I am a witness
when
it comes to poverty
hustlin
the street
hopefully
police don't bother me
I
guess I'm just a witness
to
what the drugs can do
hitting
licks, robing people
that’s
a fiend for you
I’ve
never been a witness
when
it comes to the riches
Entry
#950
To Fix Us
Baby
why do we do this to each other,
why
do we hurt one another,
we
know we’ll be together forever,
I
hate when we fight, it makes it hard to sleep at night,
without
you bay life would never feel right,
sitting
here crying, tears falling down,
slowly
losing my sight,
what
happened to us bay we used to be tight?
Now
were always mad, making each other sad,
we
have to fix us baby, don’t let our relationship go bad,
we
have been through way too much to stop here,
losing
you out of my life is my biggest fear, I stand in front of this mirror as I
wipe my face tear by tear, wishing that you were here whispering I love you in
my ear,
every
day your gone my heart aches in pain,
my
heads not sane, your my backbone,
if
I was old you would be my cane, I’m the tree you’re the rain,
without
you I wouldn’t grow,
I’m the boat you’re the paddle, without you I
wouldn’t go,
don’t
you see that you keep me strong?
Every
day with you is right but every day without you is wrong,
I’ll be out soon baby, not too long.
Entry
#951
Rigor Mortis
I
been through the struggle and I’ve seen the worst in people,
Man
were living in hell, were surrounded by evil,
I
got the devil sending whispers in my ear, I try to block him out and pretend I
cannot hear
It
ain’t workin’
I
slowly feel the demons taking over like a virus in my soul, getting worse as I
get older
I
can’t fight them
Yeah,
their inside of me, got nightmares taking over dreams, every single thought I
think, even when I close my eyes to go to sleep
I
can’t escape my, born into hate; I
really want to change but it’s a little too late….
I’m
dead.
