Entry # 327
I FORGIVE YOU MOM
I forgive you
for all the times you left me to watch your kids.
I forgive you
for always leaving your drugs out for us to see.
For hitting
me when I flushed your dope.
For overdosing on drugs in front of me, my little brother, and
sister.
I forgive you
for bringing all those dope fiends into our house
I forgive you
for leaving us alone in the night, only to wake up and cry.
I forgive you
for beating everyone up so that we would have nowhere to stay.
For always
choosing guys over us kids.
One thing I
don’t forgive you for and I never will, is teaching me to do wrong.
I will never
forgive you for teaching me stealing was okay.
I will never
forgive you for sticking things in my pocket while were in a store.
For
making me have to grow up so fast,
and taking away my childhood.
I will never
forgive you for leaving me in the world, lost.
I will never
forgive you for making me feel unloved and alone.
Some things
can never be forgiven.
Entry #328
Supposed To Be
I wish I
could forgive you, but I can't. All those times you would leave us home for
hours. You left me to take care of my brother. I was 12 and you didn't care. For
that, I can't forgive you. Leaving grandma and papa to raise
your two kids. That’s not fair to them. We were your kids, but not
anymore. The drugs are more important than us? For that I can’t forgive you. Not
realizing what you were putting us through is wrong. Choosing to be spun out instead of spending
time with your kids was your choice. For that I can't forgive you. I’m not going
to let you back in just to hurt us again. Sitting behind bars is obviously where
you want to be. I guess jail doesn't make you think too much and you must like
that, living your life on a schedule. For that I can't
forgive you. The person you were supposed to be isn't who you are. We were
supposed to be able to trust and believe in you. All you gave us was false hope
and lies. For that I can't forgive you. When you can get your life straight,
maybe we can talk, but until then leave us alone. Sorry, but I can’t forgive you
even if you are my mom.
Entry # 329
Nudging Jesus (Adapted from the poem "The Best Poem In The World"--Unknown Author)
I was
shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered
heaven’s door,
Not by the
beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was
the folks in Heaven
Who made me
sputter and gasp?
The thieves,
the liars, the sinners,
the drug dealers and thugs.
There stood
the kid from 8th grade
who shot my friend twice?
Next to him
was my old friend,
who never did anything nice.
My cousin who
I always thought
was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting
pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.
I nudged
Jesus, 'what’s the deal?
I would love
to hear your take.
How'd all
these sinners get up here?
God must've
made a mistake.
And why is
everyone so quiet,
so somber- give me a clue'
'Hush,
child,' He said,
'They're all
in shock.
No one
thought they'd be seeing you.'
I’m just
trying to live my life and do what’s right.
cuz I caught a fat case 15 to
life.
CC would you
open the sally port?
Now I’m off
on my way to superior court.
I got a
letter from my girl telling me that she prayed,
that the D.A. doesn’t send me away.
When we
talked on the phone she started to cry.
Asking all
these questions always wondering why,
out of all these people did it have to be me?
We just have
to stay strong and we’ve got to believe.
Always pray
for the best but prepare for the worst.
Yeah I know
its 15 but it could have been worse.
Will I make
it to heaven or hell?
I don’t have
a clue only time will tell.
Entry #330
Dear Meth,
I don’t
forgive you meth for making me return to the inside of these brick walls and
locked doors. I don’t forgive you for keeping me up all those long dark lonely
nights. I don’t forgive you for starving me or for taking me away from my
daughter. I don’t forgive you for making me do all those crazy things I normally
wouldn’t do. I don’t forgive you for
ruining my life, having me tweak in the garage all night long on one little
thing, thinking I was getting something done when I really wasn’t. I don’t
forgive you meth, but I love you...
Entry #331
Father,
I would like
to forgive you for leaving me when I was less than a year old. I would like to
forget the image of seeing you behind a glass window talking to you threw a
phone so young. I didn’t know any better. Not seeing you for years then just
showing up one day when I was ten, taking me to a house I never knew, then
fighting with your girlfriend and my mom having to come get me. Then not seeing
you for another two years until me and my mom were driving home and saw you on
the side of the road selling wood to support your dope habit. We stopped to talk
and the first thing you say to my mom is "You should buy this wood to keep our
son warm.” What kind of bullshit is that pops? You couldn’t just give her some
wood after abandoning us? Then a few months later you see me walking and take me
to another house and another girlfriend, everything is dirty and gross but my
love for you kept me coming back to see you, kept me wanting to have a father.
To this day you just want to get high. And for that, dad, I will never forgive
you. The time we got raided and were at gunpoint because you were cooking dope
right where me and your girlfriend's son were sleeping. Not even a solid wall
away from us. Times like that are the times I see in my head when I think of
you. You missed so many birthdays and holidays over the years it’s like you
weren’t even there at all, ever. So now you might be able to see why I don’t
hunt you down to see you anymore. I remember calling and you saying I’ll come
get you and me waiting for days and days and you never showing up. You are not a
real father. You are a dope fiend and will never change. I accept that, but I
will not forget all that you have put my mom and me through. I WILL NOT FORGIVE
YOU.
Entry #332
Sky’s The Limit
I come from
family pictures with a big, huge smile
but then I shot some bullets and got life as a juvenile.
I'm from a
young life full of discrimination,
To all you
haters, look in the mirror and stop faking.
I'm from
watching pops in and out of the pen,
Mom’s saying
he's coming back, but she won't tell me when.
I'm from
"sky's the limit" and "keep your chin in the wind",
but then the police pulled me over because the tone of my
skin.
I'm from
brown dollars and worn out hand-me-downs,
from Christmas mornings where smiles turn into frowns.
I'm from the
ghetto world with wars on the front lawn,
from thinking "Lord, my brother is really gone".
I'm from this
success game, just get on my same level,
I go through
this hell and back just dealing with different devils.
Happiness and
dreams, I don't believe until it comes,
the other side of the gate, check it out, that's where I’m
from!
Entry #333
Hey Mother,
I forgive you
for all the times you abandoned me with your stupid prison trips. I forgive you
for all the neglectful times you said we could spend the day together, but when
that day came I couldn’t get you back home, away from the dope. People always
told me you were a righteous woman, then promises came out of your mouth as
little as, “I’ll be home for dinner." I automatically feel hurt knowing you
can’t keep your promises even that little. Still with all those hurtful reasons
I know you still, somewhat love me by at least talking to me about your habits.
So, therefore, I forgive you.
Entry #334
Does It Matter?
Long dark nights and shady days. Everybody wants to play. The
game of tag: you get me, I’ll get you, but who really loses? I think we both do.
One sports a long pony tail, one sports a shave head. I wear one color and you
wear the other, but what are the real differences? It’s not our backgrounds. It’s not the color of our skin. It’s not that one doesn’t struggle. Hoods? Streets? Does that shit matter when it’s time for
dormant sleep? With a bang bang here and a bang bang there it’s another shady day in the hood, and for what
end? Another long dark
night in the hood. Different people different names, but the game always
stays the same. Tag, you're it.
Entry #335
Forgiveness Is The Key
I forgive my
father, of making me choose between him and my mom when I was young. I forgive
my mother for throwing my head against the wall for no reason, when I was a boy.
I forgive you dad for putting me in the back of the car with no seat belt, and
driving drunk and crashing. For the time you grabbed a gun and pointed it at mom
when I was close by watching, and you said you were going to kill her. I yelled
“No!” and instead you shot the ground in front of her. Then, we ran. I forgive
you both. I'm done. I'm going to move forward in my life. I'm glad now that's
out of my mind, and on this paper.
Entry #336
Thank You Brother
The one
person who had a profound impact on my life was my second oldest brother. Me and all my siblings are several years apart and my second
oldest brother is only three years older than me. Growing up I was always home
schooled so I spent a lot of time with my siblings and especially him. We always
played together and were best friends because, uh, I didn’t have any friends.
When I was about fourteen and fifteen we stopped hanging out as much because he
was grown up and I was always running amuck. Now days we hardly ever talk or see
each other, mostly because he doesn’t live here. People say family first, but my
brother always put me first no matter what. He always had my back and has saved
my ass more than once. I haven’t lived with him since I was fourteen and even
then he would help me through my difficulties. I didn't recognize how much he
meant to me until I came to the hall and now I'm sitting here writing a thank
you letter to him.
Entry # 337
Dear Mom,
I don’t
forgive you for all those awesome presents in which you stole back and sold for
your precious drugs. I don’t forgive you for abandoning your children and hitting
the streets for more drugs. I don’t forgive you for all the animals you've
gotten me and then sent to the pound a week later. I don’t forgive you for all the times you
loaded my pipe and gave me drugs just to leave you alone. I don’t forgive you
for what you have done to my once beautiful mother that I never even got to
meet. To me now mom, you are a monster.
Entry # 338
2 Forgive and Forget, I Already
Forgot
Dear Mom,
I hope you
forgive me for all the times I stayed out all night.
because I forgive you for all the nights that you didn’t care
what I did.
I forgive you
for always bringing strangers into my house, they move their way around me like
I’m just a mouse.
I know you
were lonely mom. Sadly to say, your son
felt the same way.
I forgive you
for leaving me in a lonely house. Now I’m gone, and you can’t forgive
yourself.
Entry # 339
Dear Mom,
I know you
were never really there for me but I just want to say I forgive you.
I forgive you
for not feeding me.
I forgive you
for letting the Vietnamese neighbors raise me, because you couldn't.
I forgive you
for choosing drugs over your own kids.
I forgive you
for the brew your friends put in my sippy cup.
I forgive you
for all the times you scared me to death. Like the time you told me there were
people in the attic, or when you said I was going to die.
I forgive you
for everything.
I even
forgive you for giving birth to me.
Love,
Your son
Entry # 340
Forgiving Dad...
Dad I forgive
you for all the chances I've given you, and you let me down.
I forgive you
for not being around enough to see me smile or frown.
Dad I think I
love you, but it's been some years, never around to dry your "Baby Girl's"
tears.
I don't know
where you are, but you're probably locked up, again.
You always
say you're done and that you're a grown man,
but, don't feel bad, I’m locked up, too.
My 16th birthday, and just another day without you.
Did I mention
I forgive you for not catching me when I fell?
All the times
I fell on my face as a baby down mom's apartment stairwell.
You were too
drunk or into something, and that's a real fact.
Never good on being "Daddy", in that you lacked.
Everyone says
I look like you, especially from the brown almond eyes.
I have native
running thick in my blood, anger's my demise.
But I get it
from you daddy, everything, like my criminal ways
My times
going by quick, after all it's just 180 days.
Even though
you're not around, my head’s held high, never
down.
Dad.... just
know I love you and I’m always here.
Through the thick and thin, just shed so many tears.
Entry #341
I Wish I Could
I wish I
could forgive you for lonely days I threw the football to myself. For the
birthday that I hoped you would write me. For the Thanksgiving days you didn’t
cut the turkey or say the prayer for us. I wish I could forgive you for all the
times you could have been good in prison and you didn’t care. For not writing
back every time I wrote you. I truly forgive for every time you send
one letter so I know you’re alive. But I can’t forgive you anymore because I’ve
only seen you once in my whole life. I can’t forgive you because every time I
try to remember your face, I just see a blank.
Entry # 342
My Dad
The reason I
don’t forgive my dad is because he’s never been in my life. He’s in and out of
prison and he would rather suck on a dope pipe then hang out with his kids. He
thinks he its cool getting twacked back, robbing people or
beating them up. He takes shit just so
he can hit the pipe and be up for another 24. I will never forgive you, so don’t
ever call me asking if I will come hang out with you.
When I call and ask if I can come chill for the day you say, “I’m on a mission.
Let me call you right back.” So when you call asking if I want to come hang out,
I’m going to be like, “I’m on a mission I got to go call you back later.”
CLICK.
Entry # 343
Forgiveness
I don't
forgive my dad for leaving that day at the hospital,
I don't
forgive my dad for never being there for me and my brother,
I don't
forgive my dad for not trying to at least stay in touch, send a birthday card,
or his love,
I don't
forgive my dad for never leaving any memories behind when he left,
I don't
forgive my dad for choosing drugs over his family.
So when those
drugs finally kill you it won’t matter because I won’t let my anger feel for a stranger. For all these things I will never
forgive him for walking out 16 years ago.
Entry # 344
Sorry Mother,
I am
sorry.
I am sorry
for putting my mom in a position that tears her heart apart.
Having to
come to court for her criminal son.
Having her
watch me plead guilty to a vicious crime.
Watching your
son be put in handcuffs is a nightmare for all mothers.
For that I am sorry Mother, I will always be your "Little Brown
Mouse."
Entry #345
Family
Mom, I
apologize for all the things I have done. I need to get out of juvenile hall. I
hate it here and I apologize for putting you through stress and running away.
Brother, I
forgive you for the rejection that made me feel as if I didn't even exist. For
the bullet wounds from the harsh words you shot my way. All the times I was
helpless and you were nowhere to be found. I forgive you for throwing me away
because I didn't fit your standards. For not protecting me when I was beaten
bloody. When mom left us to be in a better place and all I wanted was the
comfort of my family but that was too much for you to give. I forgive you for all the pain you have
caused me, but can you forgive me?
Entry # 346
My Life
I forgive my
mother for anything she thinks she might have ever done wrong. I just hope she
can forgive me for all the times I'd yell or scream or lie because I'm a fiend.
What she doesn’t know is that she means everything in the world to me. She is
the only person who has been there for me no matter what. My mom is the most
important person in my life. She will always be there to help me with my
struggle and the strife. I love my mom. She is my life!
Entry # 347
Do As I Do
I thought I
wouldn’t be able to forgive you for sipping on the bottle until I started
sipping on it harder. I thought I wouldn’t forgive you for doing drugs until I
did them too. Neither of us meant to hurt each other, but it happened anyway.
Now I’m in juvenile hall and you’re in rehab. Look how far our relationship has
come. I love you. Can you forgive me for
what I’ve done?
Entry #348
For All The Times
Hey mom, I
forgive you for all the times you didn't come home. For all the times you left
me at stranger's houses. For all the times you left us at our grandparent's. For
all the times you didn’t come home. For all the times you let dope come first.
For all the times that I found you passed out on the couch, thinking that you
were dead, I forgive you.
Entry # 349
Thank You
You took my
childhood, and the life I had to give,
Now, left
with confusion, it’s okay, I've learned to forgive.
You left me
wondering was it really love?
Burning deep
inside are evil feelings I push and shove,
into that place where you once filled,
is that hurt and anger that I’ve tried to kill.
You fled so
fast, away you went,
Leaving me
haunted by the past, trying to prove I’m innocent.
My heart
shrivels up inside,
Every time I
hear your name I try to hide.
With the demon of pain, and the faults of men.
My scars from
you open and show where I’ve been.
Alone and
lost is where you left me.
Shrunk me
down from the person I want to be.
So, no, I
will not forgive you but rather thank you for giving me my son.
I learned the
hard way that you weren’t the one!
