Entry #2073
The Cell
It’s dark in
here
No one around
to comfort.
All alone
Just me and
my thoughts.
Sometimes I
wonder what it would be like if I was forever stuck in my cell.
Would I be
happy?
Would I be
sad?
Would I even
want out?
I always ask
myself what I’m going to do when I no longer see these brick walls.
Free…
When I’m free.
When no one
is around to control me.
But will I
feel free
When I know
deep down that all my thoughts and feelings are gone?
Walls…
Four walls
All alone by
myself.
Not a soul
around.
Thoughts
My thoughts.
Nothing else.
Sometimes I
sketch pictures of my cell just so I can see if it’s real.
Real...
Is it real.
It kind of
feels like a really bad dream or even a nightmare.
What will my
future self be like? Will I be locked away forever?
Will I
finally unleash what I have hidden deep in my heart?
Heart…
My heart.
It’s all gone.
Entry #2074
I Will Survive
A time when I
was surviving at my lowest was when I was about 11 years old. It was a bad time.
Mom was always at the bar drinking and we had no food or anything because it
was always getting spent on cigarettes and alcohol. Soon the power went out and
the water was shut off. It was mine and my brothers’ job to keep my little
sister and baby brother fed. We didn’t really care how we got it, even if we
had to rob or steal or sell drugs to get it. I remember a time we had to save
up a lot of money to buy a space heater so we weren’t freezing. That was pretty
rough, but we were still living. There was a time when all we had was one pack
of bologna meat and syrup in an ice chest. When I was nine or so, for about a
year, me and my family were living in an RV on the sides of roads and bathing
in plastic bins. What I learned about myself at that time is I AM a survivor
and it taught me that I could get through anything as I think back about that
time. Shoot, I think it was a lot simpler then. Growing up is hard. Man, when I
was growing up the only room I ever had to myself was a cell. I’m a mountain in
a family of broken stones and now I know I will survive.
Entry #2075
Drained
I
waS depressed for the longest time
I
was drainEd and lost
It
wasn't to be cooL or to fit in
It
wasn't For attention
I
wasn't trying to Hurt people
I
was Addicted
It
made me feel Real
It
Made me forget
Entry #2076
The September Night Sky
My mom had a
hard time keeping her job because she was sick most of the time. She gave me up
when I was three years old for almost eight years. I stayed with my grandma. I
had so many struggles living without my mom because she would be in and out of
my life. I have three sisters that were not close to me. That was hard too, but
I told myself to keep going until I went to live with my mom. Everything went
down-hill because I didn’t really have a connection with my mom either. Dad
never was there; he was doing drugs and in and out of jail, not there for me or
my sister. My mom really tried to bring the good out of me, but I was too far
gone in my guilt and my hurt sole. I pushed everyone away from me so I didn’t hurt
anyone, but while I was trying to keep people from getting hurt I was hurting
them still. I started to run with the wrong people and started to do drugs, drinking,
and fighting all the time, hiding my pain in the wrong way. Now I’m in the
system because I ran away from the home CPS placed me in. I stayed with my
homie until he got killed and I had to come back. You never know when your last
breath is, so I told myself I had to go home and get my shit together so I can
be there when my mom or sisters need me. My mom is now in the hospital and dad’s
in state prison. I’m in the hall, but I feel like I’m on the right street. I
hope to be getting out this week.
Entry #2077
By
Myself
The time I was at my lowest point was when my mom kicked
me and my little brother out, and I had to take him under my wing. It was hard
for me because I was only 12 years old. I didn’t know what to do. I was trying
to find a place for me to stay, but it was even harder to find a place for both
of us to stay. My dad was in prison, so I couldn’t go to him for help because
he didn’t have my phone number. I also couldn’t write to him because I didn’t
have an address for him to send a letter back.
I coped with this situation by using marijuana and
drinking because I didn’t know what else to do. I was so young, and that’s all
I knew. That’s all my parents did was smoke and drink when they needed to cope.
Another way I coped was by talking to my uncle and the rest of my dad’s side of
the family because I knew he wouldn’t report that my brother and I were staying
with him. He helped me take care of my little brother so that I didn’t have to
do it by myself. I got to the point where I felt like I could be on my own, but
I still had doubts. So, I kept coping with marijuana and alcohol, and I just
led myself to a point where I had just messed up my life more.
Entry #2078
Someone
I Used to Be
I remember a while ago, I was just about three years old,
sitting next to my brother by the Christmas tree, but I wasn’t old enough to
recognize that my brother would be deployed again soon. A few months after
deployment, two uniformed men came to the door with his uniforms folded in
hand. All I remember was mama crying at the door. I was old enough to
have the knowledge of what happened, but I didn’t want to believe it. As a
year would go by, I sat in bed and asked my mother, “Mama, where did Johnny
go?” I found out then, he was in a better place. As I got older, I learned
to cherish life before life becomes a better one. But as I entered my
teenage years, I lacked enough morals. I had no brother to teach me well
enough. I hung with the wrong people. I met a girl and she made me feel so
happy, but I started running away and doing drugs because I couldn’t find
myself.
Entry #2079
Tables Turning
I feel the
hate
I feel the
tears falling off my face
I feel the
whisky burning
I feel the
tables turning
I feel the
walls caving in
and the losses
of my friends
I feel my
body getting weaker and weaker
waiting for
my turn to see the reaper
I feel the
past slowly repeating
I feel my
heart slowly bleeding
Entry #2080
So I
Ran
Money affected my life. When I was fifteen years old my
father kicked me out of his house because all I would spend my money on was
drugs and alcohol. My father thought I had a problem with drugs and we got into
a fight. I was on drugs that I had just bought with the last of my money. In
our fight on my birthday, I split above his eye and knocked some of his teeth.
I also broke some of his fingers. He called the cops, so I ran.
After that day, I was on my own, and on the run. Trying
to make money the right way, but I couldn’t without a parent, so I switched to
selling drugs. I also started stealing things from stores to sell to people for
drugs or money. Most of the time it would be for money, that way I would save
half for transportation to my sales or to go see my mom and do drugs with her.
Entry #2081
Hand Me Downs
Money. Man,
money is the source of power of most everything. If you got enough money you
can do almost anything or get other people to do anything. I’ve done a lot of
bad things for money. I’ve robbed, stole, and sold drugs. I’ve even fought for
money. Growing up I couldn’t just ask my mom for money. We had bills to pay and
the only reason we had food was because the food stamps hit. I was wearing
shoes that were too small and hand me downs that never fit. But moms always
made stuff work for me and my siblings. One thing I learned having money is it
can’t buy love or happiness but it can buy drugs and back then that’s all I
needed to think I was happy. I was fooling everyone, even myself. That ****
don’t make me happy. It makes me do dumb stuff that ends me up here.
Entry #2082
A
Dream
I had to leave my country. It was the hardest thing to
see my mom trying to prevent something from happening to me and my family too, but
when I came, no one helped me to get food. I was faced with living in a way
that would only help my family. I had to take the lead to try to give them what
one day I promised them. They were not going to suffer anymore because I came
looking for a dream and I was going to fulfill it. They would not lack
anything. Everything was different when I realize that I had to depend on
myself. If I didn't work, I wouldn't eat. The same with sleep. But now it's
different, I'm a better person in life.
Entry #2083
Two Jobs
Growing up I
didn’t really have money. I came from a low-income family. Half my life I grew
up in east ******** and the other half I spent it up in the west. Growing up my
moms was always working so we could have a crib and some food on the table. It
was lowkey hard for my mom because she was a single parent and had five of us
to take care of. I wanted to help her so
I went and got a job with my uncle but the money was coming too slow so I
started selling and other things. I guess I fell in love with that fast money
but I just told moms that I had two jobs to make her happy. I got too
comfortable and got my ass here.
Entry #2084
My
Dad
When I was younger, my dad was slinging drugs, and he
just did it for the money. He got my house shot up two times and almost got my
little brother shot, all because he screwed somebody out in a drug deal. He got
himself killed doing that. I found out that it was a rapper where I’m from that
killed him. Ever since then, I dropped out of school, joined a gang, and
started slinging myself–just like my dad. I’m always looking for a person that
knew him, killed him or even someone that was cool with him.
Entry #2085
Becoming
a Man
My lowest point was last year, 2023. I got put down to do
two years. The reason I felt so low was because I was away from my family and
my girlfriend. I coped with it by thinking about how much my family and
girlfriend cared about me. I kept my head out of my a–and did good inside so
that I could get out on my release date. What I have learned about myself is
that I’m not meant to be away from my loved ones. My new perspective on life is
that I need to do good so that I can do what I would like to do with my life.
Entry #2086
A Place Meant for the Lost
When the
judge gave me a couple years I didn’t know how to feel. I wasn’t really upset
about it, but I wasn’t happy either. I’ve been incarcerated for over a year,
but it feels like it’s only been like a couple months. The times speeding past.
I’m trying to do good to get an early release and it’s working. I can’t wait
till I’m released, but at the same time I’m afraid. I feel like it’s going to
be hard adjusting back to my community. I know I’ll come out strong though. So
far, I’ve come a long way from when I first got locked up. When I came in I was
filled with sadness and anger. I’m still angry sometimes, but I’m barely sad. I
learned to find happiness in a place meant for the lost. I’m not gonna lie, I’m
still lost but I’m slowly finding the real me. Since coming in here I’ve found
new healthy hobbies. I found out I actually like reading, writing, and I love
to make music. I’ve also learned how valuable alone time can be when you’re
constantly surrounded by other people. I’ve also repaired a lot of
relationships while locked up. When I first came in, me and my mom did not get
along and now she’s one of the people I’m closest to. I graduated high school
too. Anyways here’s a hook to one of my songs:
People quick to say they love
you if it’s true you better prove it,
I’ve been snaked by my own
blood sometimes I think I’m gonna lose it,
Comin back from the hard times
I gotta watch the way I’m movin’,
Watch my back and cut the
grass I gotta keep up with the movement
Entry #2087
Striving
Money has
always been a problem in my childhood. I grew up poor, and was homeless a
couple of times, living in a homeless shelter. As I grew up I started doing
things for money like helping a friend out in the fields and trimming. I’d say
I love money because I never had much growing up and I feel like I need it to
survive. I’ve been good recently but I’d say the lowest point in my life was
being hungry for a long time waiting for the salvation army food baskets at the
first of the month. I don’t know what we would’ve done without it. My mom still
made sure we would eat, but sometimes it was really hard in the situation we
were in. I learned a lot growing up, like to be grateful for what you have and not
to take stuff for granted because happiness doesn’t last forever. Everything
I’ve been through has pushed me and motivated me to succeed and to get what I
need and what I didn’t have in life.
Entry #2088
Green Greed
I grew up poor
in the streets of Sacramento, bouncing house to house – apartment to apartment.
I lived everywhere in Sac and then moved upstate. I grew up taking things I
wanted and needed because I didn’t have the money to buy it. I did bad things.
I robbed people, ran inside houses, ran inside stores; all sorts of things. The
thing I like most about money is that it buys you happiness, you can do
whatever you want with money. But also, money can lead you to bad and dark
places. You can rob the wrong person and end up dead or get locked up for it.
My greed for money caused me to get locked up. Rollers did a 2-month
investigation on me because of a robbery I committed. Now I’m locked up
suffering the consequences. I’m about to get released after 7 months of being
locked up. I have a job lined up when I get out. So that means no more robbing
for what I need and want.
Entry #2089
Don’t
Take It for Granted
I remember when I was fourteen years old. That was the
time when I was at my lowest. My brother went down for a shooting. Then my
other brother got popped by the cops. So that year of my life I was going
through it. Then I went down for a charge and did some time for that. The whole
time this was happening, I was just wondering why all this BS was happening to
me. So I started just not caring about life. From all of those experiences, I
learned to never take the time with your loved ones for granted and try to live
in the moment.
Entry #2090
Tired
I feel like I was at my lowest point when everyone I know
switched up on me, and I was on the run. I’ve had to sleep under a bridge or
find abandoned houses to stay at. To cope with it, I went down the wrong path
and did the wrong things to survive. Now that I’ve been here three too many
times, I have chosen to turn my life around, so I can have a life I never thought
I would have. I’m tired of living like this.
Entry #2091
Enough Funds
I grew up in
South Side with a tough childhood. Mom never having enough funds. Growing up we
had a rough life always staying with my mom’s friends until we got our own
house. It was still rough though mom working 9-5 everyday trying to pay rent
and get us the clothes that we want. But when I started to get older and
realize I could help my mom out with rent I did what I had to do. I was 13
trying to get money for my mom. I started buying my own clothes and food so she
didn’t have to worry about paying for me and could just focus on rent and my
little brothers. I had to start selling weed and was scamming for iPhones. I
was making a cool amount of money so I could do what I had to do and get what I
needed and still help my mom out at the same time. When my mom found out what I
was doing she wasn’t happy, but she also didn’t get where I was coming from. I
was tired of seeing her struggle and do everything by herself and nobody
helping her.
Entry #2092
To
Get What I Need
I grew up poor. When I was seven, I lived under a bridge
and was homeless for two years. I had no clothes, very little food, and slept
in a tent, sometimes a car. When I was nine years old, I had a house while
living with my aunt. I started running away and got put in a group home. Then I
started stealing food to eat, and when I got older I started out stealing bikes
and other things to earn money. The money made me happy because I could get
clothes, shoes, and food.
Entry #2093
Coping
A time I was at my lowest point was when my childhood
best friend passed away. I coped with the situation by doing drugs and
drinking. During this time, I would refuse to go to school and would always run
away from home. My parents didn’t understand why I would skip school and run
away. Eventually, my parents didn’t like me doing drugs and drinking so they
told me that they were going to kick me out if I didn’t stop doing what I was
doing. I remember coming home from my cousin’s party under the influence and
getting into an argument with my aunt. She told me that she was kicking me out.
I didn’t know what to do, so I called my best friend’s mom and asked her if she
could pick me up. She picked me up and I told her that I got kicked out for the
things I was doing. She told me that it was going to be okay, and that she
would help me get through everything that I was going through.
Entry #2094
Tragedy
Something happened when I was 13 years old. Something
tragic I haven’t told anybody except for a few closest people in my life. I’m
19 years old and it f—s with me to this day. I don’t know how to reflect on it.
I try not to think about it and just let it go.
Entry #2095
For
the Money
Money affected my process in what I wanted to do because
not growing up rich meant I had a difficult life. I’ve done many bad things,
like running drugs and selling drugs quite a few times. The money was dirty and
I started making a lot. It is okay because I helped my family and bought what I
wanted: the car I wanted and all the clothes I wanted. I helped my family, and that
gives me happiness. But I have struggled a lot to be able to make money and
have been through life or death.
Entry #2096
Money
for Sports
Growing up, my family and I didn’t really have much
money. So, when I wanted to play sports to stay out of trouble, my mom couldn’t
afford all the stuff that I needed. Eventually I gave up on sports. After that,
I went around with a rake and trash bags and asked all my neighbors to rake up
their leaves for 20 bucks. I did that for about six months–then I stopped. I
stopped going to school. I stopped coming home some days. I just wanted to hang
out with friends. Now I’m locked up and l feel like I still have potential for playing
sports. That’s all I ever wanted to do.
Entry #2097
Stop Digging
At my lowest
point I wasn’t even myself. I was making decisions that weren’t the best for
me. I was going through it for real. I chose to cope with this by using
substances and committing crimes. I learned that I’m not myself when I get in
moods like this. This has influenced my perspective on life by making me more
cautious of my decisions and when I get in a hole I don’t dig myself deeper.
Keep on my feet and push through whatever.
