****The Writing Exchange**** Shasta and Butte County Juvenile Halls: June 2019

Entry #1821

So Much Has Changed

Let me awaken from this reality

I'm ready to face my mortality

I reminisce your scent, your voice, soft skin

Your smile glistened my soul within

When you left you took a part of me with you

Thus began my mental issues

I miss you…

We pray and worship this man above

I'm praying to get back the person we love

This loss and grief not only affected me

It ripped apart our once stable family

Couple years later so much has changed

Yet you will never be the one to blame

Daddy is losing his mind and weight

Before I know it, I'm following his toxic traits

Where is he now?

Nowhere to be found

Mom’s depressed

Constantly stressed

Our relationship, a mess

I'm sorry,

I love you,

I shouldn't have shoved you,

What is wrong with me?

In all honesty…

Only time I feel okay is the dopamine running through my brain

Cigarette smoke keeps me sane

My violent acts releasing pain

Sleepless nights I drift away

Shadow people shift in uneasy ways

One vulnerable night a stranger took advantage of me

Now I'm ashamed, going insane, can't think with my brain

I feel so alone, scared, and unloved

Still begging God to answer my prayers, send blessings from above

Finding excitement, love, with temporary men in the sheets

Then in a few months he'll be gone, I'll forget how we meet

I'm in and out of juvi cells

Blank spacing, heart hurting, eyes burning, this life is hell

The man making allegations to pin me down as a bad citizen

In reality I'm just a mad citizen

Mad that others have it easier than me

While I'm stuck living in poverty

I wish someone would care

This is so much to bare

But I'm hard to understand

I push help far, far away,

I'll regret it

Dad I hope you find your way

No matter how long, you'll find yourself again someday

Mom you're a blessing

I wish you'd quit stressing

You are smart and bold with a heart of gold

In time I pray I can patch myself up

Before it’s too late and I become corrupt

Please forgive me of my sins

For I have lost myself within

Lost my way and my mind

But in the end I hope I shine

I care so much about you both

I can't wait till one day I show you guys my growth

Entry #1822

Catching a Beast

I love to go fishin', being in the outdoors early in the morning with a cool breeze making your eyes water. Getting ready for the trip the day before, setting up your poles, getting your tackle all organized. Not getting any sleep because you’re so excited to get out on the water. Fishin' days are the best days. Coming home smelling like fish and power-bait. Every single thing about the fishin' experience makes you feel free. Freedom. If only I was free. I don't get to experience freedom anymore. I'm sitting in a box for fourteen months wishing I had a life. One day though, one day I'll be back on the lake early in the morning thinking I hooked onto a beast, but really it'll just be a log. That's okay, because I'll be free.

Entry #1823

Clean

Over the past year I have gone through many things, most of which were negative. The topic of my story is repeatedly drugs. I knew nothing but drugs for the past year. It is something that I never want to experience ever again. Along the way I lost myself, my friend, and family. I gained many mental health problems along the way too. These include severe anxiety, severe depression, bipolar issues, psychosis, and schizophrenia. Still to this day I experience these problems. Sometimes they’re mild and other days they’re bad. Meth, coke, and pills flipped my life. I really used to love getting high daily, now I'm 55 days clean. The one that crushed me was losing my girlfriend. I used to be very suicidal and had many overdose attempts. In 6th or 7^th grade, before I even started drugs I tried killing myself with my stepdads pharmaceuticals. Four or five different bottles of pills, each a handful along with codeine. From thinking about death and drugs 24/7 to going to school and getting my diploma.

Entry #1824

Forgiving My Dad

Dear Dad,

For all the times I called you and

You never answered, I forgive you.

For all the times you answered,

but never made a conversation, I really don’t know you.

You ask for me to fly on my own to Indiana

when you know you have the choice to go for me.

Why is it always about you?

My mom doesn’t speak nicely about you

She says you lie about the stupidest things

Like you saying you left my mom, when you’re in the wrong

You’re going to cheat on your wife who has two kids and one on the way?

I know for a fact that you didn’t even witness my birth

Am I just that child you really didn’t want?

It’s really funny how I know you the least, but I want to talk to you

My brothers want nothing to do with you

But I know you get uncomfortable when you talk to me

Because I’m really a stranger to you

I bet you know your friends more than you know my life

Now you have four children, three teens and a baby less than one

As you can see, you only claimed one. She’s only seven months.

What about your other children you’ve forgotten about?

I feel jealousy. My own blood takes my middle name?

You really are replacing me, just throwing me in the dirt

But I really can’t cry over you

It just doesn’t mean that much

You’re my dad, and I’m your daughter, that’s it

You see I don’t like you

But I don’t hate you

Because you gave me the life in this world

And I thank you

I know you can’t admit the crap that you did

But you know what? Your daughters going to forgive.

Entry #1825

Help

The person I was five years ago would of never thought about getting involved in the shit I am in now. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to figure things out. I want to talk to my friends but their too far. I just sit in my cell for what feels like eternity, but then I think back, this may be my destiny. I hate being alone, I need to feel numb, but I wear a mask so no one can know. I go to my family to get my way through, but they look at me in a way like, "Who the hell are you?" Someone help I'm feeling alone, I keep staring at these walls, trying to think where I went wrong. I have no one to talk to. I have no trust, but someone just help, I can't stand being alone.

Entry #1826

If the Clock Keeps Ticking

I can't sleep

With all these demons in my head

Half the time I wish

I would have been left for dead

I can't sleep

When I think of all the people I've wronged

And how their struggle

I must've prolonged

I can't sleep

I just want to stick a needle in my arm

My probation officer and therapists

Call it self-harm

I can't sleep

Man I miss my boyfriend

It hurts to love someone

You might never see again

I can't sleep

I just want to get back to working the streets

There's money to be made

And I'm stuck in a cell

Tossing and turning under my sheets

I can't sleep

It's sad how happiness for me

Is only found in a pipe or syringe

Or a little baggie

It's hard to be positive

With all this pain

And all these demons in my brain

But I still pray to God every night

That I'm not completely insane

At the end of the day

If the clock keeps ticking

To me it's all the same...

Entry #1827

A Poem to Myself

Somewhere in this poem you’ll see a little girl standing in front of a locked door. She didn’t intend to have an attitude, she was only 8.

Don’t try to rebel, it won’t get you anywhere.

Somewhere in this poem you will watch my mom being pushed against our balcony. Our family was broken and my Grandpa just took off.

Don’t cry over the imperfections of people. They’re not worth it.

Somewhere in this poem you’ll find a bullied child in the classroom. She was weak at the time and had nobody to turn to.

Do not keep to yourself, it will only hurt you more.

Somewhere in this poem you’ll see a blade across her wrist. She only wanted to be loved and wasn’t getting any of it.

Don’t break yourself, you’re all that you have.

Somewhere in this poem you’ll see handcuffs on her wrists, her mom didn’t trust her, nor did she feel safe in her presence. It had just been a few days after her birthday. There was yelling and screaming and my brother heard all of it.

Don’t blame your blood, you did what you did.

Somewhere in this poem you’ll see she got out, but then she came back and is back in the system. Her family treated her like a dog on the street.

Forget them, if they want to be fake, let them be fake.

Somewhere in this poem she’s cold in her cell, she wants to go home and take back time. Nobody goes to her court dates and she feels alone in this world.

Don’t give up. You’re going to make it.

Entry #1828

Oh Mama

Oh Mama, 1 musketeer, 2 musketeer, 3 musketeer, 4 musketeer including me. How many more? 2 musketeers left in the islands. 2 musketeers near me but so far. When I used to think God was real, I used to speak to them in the stars. Oh Mama, where have you been? I have a lot of questions. Why did you leave me in discretion? I know father was an abusive, dangerous man. A lot of power without understanding the meaning of family. I know he hit you. I know he caused you pain, but do I remind you of him? The way you yelled at me, is that how much he put pain in you? I used to see it in your eyes: the need to leave, the need to escape. Sometimes I feel the same way. Oh Mama, things you don’t know. Once your little baby, now locked up in the cage doing things you probably already seen. Your mi hijo is losing hope, missing his ma and his hermanas and hermanos. Oh Mama, I musketeer, 2 musketeer, 3 musketeer, 4 musketeer including me. How many more? 2 musketeers left in the islands. 2 musketeers near me so far. When I used to believe in God, used to speak to them in the stars.

Entry #1829

What is A True Friend?

I’ve never known what a true friend really was. None of my "friends" showed me what a true friend is. They would claim they’re true friends, but they really couldn't put their money where their mouth is. For example, every time it's time to do a drill or have their back, I would stop what I am doing just to be there for them. When the tables are turned no one was ever there for me when I needed them. People would always tell me when you join a gang they show you the love your parents never gave you and give you the loyalty you’re supposed to get from your family. In all reality your gang will do you worse than your own enemy. I believe a true friend is non-existent. It's a sad thing to believe but where I come from there is no such thing as a true friend.

Entry #1830

A Good Mom

I believe what makes a good father\mother is being there for your children(s). Also, children need parents to support them mentally and physically. If they need you, never say no to your child and never give up on your beautiful blessing. Help them grow up better than yourself. My mother was always my mom and my dad in one. Mom always did the things that needed to be done. She always had food on the table, clothes on our backs. She always did a lot for us even if it felt like it was a little bit. She was always there for me and my siblings. She never left us alone in our hearts. Even when things felt like they were going down, she was always there to pick us up. My mom was always a great mom to us, physically and mentally. I would like to be a better father for my daughter. I don’t want to follow my dad’s footsteps and not be there for my daughter. It could hurt her later on in her life also. I want to be better than him and be a successful dad to my daughter and to my future kids.

Entry #1831

Fighting Demons

The last 5 years I’ve had probation gunnin’

It used to just be stealin’an runnin’

I got caught up in a sticky situation

At night I’m in my cell reminicin’ an prayin’

14^th, 15^th, 16^th, 17^th 18^th birthdays locked down

My mama tells me daily that someday I’ll come around

She tells me I’m not the girl I used to be

Her and everyone else always expecting of me

But I’m fightin my own battles just tryna get freed

The DA tried to threaten me with prison

They said, “Let’s make a deal.”

But they already know I ain’t the one

I’ll take it to the grave cuz the pain of bein’ in here,

they don’t know how it feels

I had to cut off some close ones to be with some real ones

I don’t think of those days

Those memories are best kept away

I’m staying in here steady grindin’

The way my file’s goin’, I’ll end up in the P anyways

Entry #1832

What Makes a Good Mother or Father?

My opinion of a good parent or good parents is that their job is to make sure you are provided with the stuff you need. They make sure you are loved and make sure you have food in your stomach and clothes on their back and to have a roof over your head, and to also have understanding of rules. These are some of my beliefs on good parenting.

I would not be able to fully explain what good parenting is because I never had good parents. However, what I can say on my behalf is I take care of my daughter by giving her everything she needs to make sure she succeeds. In addition, I give my baby the life I never had as a young child. I show her I love and care. I teach her right from wrong and guide her in the right direction. I also stay close to my baby girl because I want her to be able to come to me without any hesitation or be scared to ask or talk to me about what she is feelings or any problems she is having. I want my daughter to know that I will always love her and would not ever leave her side if she were in any type of situation, even if she is in the right or wrong. I would never let my child feel she is abandoned or left out. I will always be her father and I will not ever let her down. So this is me and my example of good parenting.

Entry #1833

A New Chapter

Five years ago I was walking in L.A. I was one of those disrespectful kids who would jump people with my brothers and I would be smoking everywhere I went. I still smoke everywhere I go but I have manners and am respectful towards everyone I meet, it's a two way street. I have grown a lot in the past five years I've been in the game for a long time and I've seen friends and brothers die right in front of me. It really makes you take a step back and think about what you’re doing, instead of leading followers to jail and or dead I show you can make money the right way without the constant thought of watching your back. There were times where I wanted to put a bullet to my head and I had that brother to show me otherwise and I'm glad I had him there. I want kids to learn from my mistakes and be better than I am. About eight years ago, my little brother, back in Los Angeles, got stabbed and he died in my arms that night. Me running with him dangling down in my arm to the hospital but it was too late. Every day I wish it could have been me. I wish I could have found him earlier. But it wasn't that way. I just have to move on and live for him and be the best I can be for him. Three years ago when I got injured with a bomb they ended up flying me to San Francisco and on the helicopter. I lost a lot of blood and endured the trauma. There was a beautiful sunset. I remember sitting there and then everything went silent and it was just me and my little brother that had died years before watching the sunset. It felt like hours and hours or maybe even days just sitting there watching. Then everything went black and I woke up in the hospital with a pretty serious injury. From that day on I realized it wasn't my time to go. I have so much to live for and I can't leave this earth without making it right for my little brother. Here I am in juvenile hall, but I can promise that I'm going to switch my life around and be the best I can be with what I'm given. I don't have much family, but I do have a girl that I can start my own family with. I love her with everything that I am and ever will be, which gives me another reason to get out of here and make it right. I’m ready to begin a new chapter in my life.

Entry #1834

My Mom

My mom is a really great mother. She is a truly intelligent and outgoing woman. There is nobody like my mother in my eyes. She has always been there for me and never left my side. She has a great heart and helps everyone who needs anything. What makes her a good mother is that she has 6 kids and has time for each one of us. She helps us all with our homework and makes us delicious food even though sometimes we are picky and don't like the same things. She makes everything possible. When she has low income she makes things happen and really adores us all the same way. Without my mother I wouldn't know what to do. I would be lost without her. My mom helps her sisters, brothers and all of her family out who need her at any time. No matter what, she is always there taking care of her loved one's. She is respectful to everybody surrounding her and her vocabulary is always on point, being very caring and joyful. One day I wish to be back with my mother. She is the best parent I know. She goes through many things and hangs on no matter how bad is the situation is. Everything she does for me and my siblings will always be the best ever.

Entry #1835

Family Comfort

Years ago I used to be a good kid. I used to go to church school and praise the lord. I did everything I was told and how I was told to do it. I felt like a robot and just wanted to make my own choices. I loved the lord but I wanted to do it on my own and not be told to. Then I started making my own choices like 5 yrs ago, it all went bad. First I started skipping school. Then I started messing with girls at school and that's when I got expelled. My parents were pissed when I got expelled and my dad and I got in an argument. I left the house. I was mad at myself for dishonoring his wishes for me to do good. I started smoking weed and robbing and then I started the heavier stuff. I started smoking meth and soon got arrested. After I got out for the time, I thought I was invisible and started slamming meth and heroin and that got me nowhere but heartaches. Now I'm sitting here doing 14 months just wishing I could run back to my family's comfort and not have a worry in the world again like when I was 10 or 12.

Entry #1836

No Money

Did I have a lot of money growing up? That answer would be no, I didn’t have a lot of money. Money has affected my life a great deal. First of all my mother or father didn’t have money to buy me new shoes and clothes for school. So, I got picked on because I didn’t have the newest things.

After elementary school I needed money to get things so, I started taking in cans and plastic bottles to at least get some type of money. Even when I would get that money, I would have to spend it on food for the house. I had to make sure my little sisters ate. I wasn’t getting enough so I started breaking into houses, robbing people I didn’t know. Then I started selling drugs. I was getting money fast by selling weed and other drugs, but it didn’t help me. I ended up getting locked up.

After I got out I started thinking better and making better decisions for myself and my family. I left all the drugs and other things alone while I started looking for a job in construction. I wanted legal money and I wanted to start saving my money up so I could better my family. I don’t depend on money right now, I depend on myself making that money so when I’m gone my family has nothing to worry about.

Entry #1837

Getting Out

In 3 years so much has changed. I wish it could all just be how it used to. While thinking about my past, thoughts flood into my mind, the good ones and the worse ones. I went from young wild and free to 15 living in a cell. Skipped to 16 in a different cell…17 I'm in the same cell. I'm turning 18 next month and I get to leave the cell and go home, but I can't go home because the house burned down. My whole town burned down. I can't even see my friends anymore. One died in a car crash and some are on the main line, free my bro's fast. The others never wrote me, I thought that they were homies after all they showed me. They didn't even know me.

Entry #1838

Keeping the Light

I used to live that fast life and wonder what it was like to be sober for a few days. Those drugs turned me to an addict. I used to think life always got dark right after the sun shined, regardless of what I did. But I figured out it’s my responsibility to keep the light. Now I'm about to graduate high school and join the United States Marine Corps. I want to save lives. I'm going to school to be an EMT paramedic and fire fighter while serving my country. I'm going to work hard and stay sober. I'm never going to lose the light again, for my family, and for myself.

My struggle made me who I am.

Entry #1839

A Good Mom or Dad?

What makes a good father and mother are parents that love and care about you. A good father and a good mother will love you unconditionally no matter the cost. Good parents are there for their kids all the time don’t give up on them.

My mother and father weren’t always there for me. I grew up the majority of the time with my grandparents. I lived with my mom and dad for the first two years of my life and they had to give me up due to my mom being hooked on dope and my dad was in the military. It always has messed with my head when I think about them because they just let me go like I was nothing. Now that I am older they are trying to come into my life and be there for me. It is mostly my mother coming to visit and meeting with my probation officer.

When I eventually have a kid, I want to be there for my son or daughter. I will never abandon my kid and leave him or her for someone else to take care of.

Entry #1840

Five Years of Change

I remember five years ago, I was innocent in a sense. Sure, I would get in trouble at school and get in little fights with the neighborhood kids, but I would've never even thought about the things I do now. I know this sounds cheesy but I miss the old days. Five years doesn't sound that far away, but I feel like I have done most of my growing up in the past five years. Five years ago I was 11, in 7th grade, just starting to see the world for what it really was. I was noticing that the world didn't revolve around me and my family and friends. Five years ago I didn't really think about my family troubles, I thought every family goes through what I was going through and still am going through. I thought every kid wasn't supposed to get the toys they wanted and had to deal with split up parents that moved far away. When I learned about the world and how unfair it was, I got bitter. I didn't care for anyone who wasn't in my circle because I learned that if you trust someone right away they will betray you to the fullest of their capabilities. The authority figures in my life didn't know what to do with me because when they asked to do something I would tell them to screw themselves and I would do the opposite. I wish I could go back five years and live in my bubble of family and friends and not know what the world would do to me in five years time.

Entry #1841

Sports

Sports are the main thing that have impacted my life positively. There is no better feeling than scoring a touchdown and being on the field with my brothers. Sports have shaped my character, taught me to be positive. Discipline and hard work pays off. When I am playing sports, nothing in the world matters besides that moment.

Entry #1842

A Good Father or Mother

What makes a good father and mother? In my opinion I think it takes the child and the parent to make their relationship great. My father and mother are both the best. I can tell them pretty much everything or anything. My mother is great at giving advice as a parent. My father, well… we both kind of fell off. He left me and my mother when I was twelve years old in the 6th grade. Now it’s different, I’m older and into different things, like guns, gangs, drugs, and other things that have to do with such. Do I want to change? The answer is yes. But at the same time it’s too late to change somebody who is sucked into the streets. Maybe one day I could move somewhere very, very far and not be around any of this negativity. But, I don’t think that will happen anytime soon.

Entry #1843

Due for Some More

Five years ago,

I wished I could see the snow.

In my desolate town of Chico,

Life was beginning to feel low.

At the age of eleven,

I felt like seven,

At the age of twelve,

I should've been shelved.

I was afraid, of everything I saw,

Everything I thought,

Every time I took a shot.

I was afraid, of what was about to be,

Or what should've been.

My life was about to change,

For worse, to become better...

Pain creates strength.

Agony creates determination.

Heartbreak shows self-worth.

Negative emotions, helps you savor the positive ones.

Now I realize how strange, my life would be without change.

I'm due for some more,

To become anew

To prove who I am, and that a grew

Just for you.

For those whom I love.

For only the sweetest doves.

Those are whom I love.

Entry #1844

Craving Boring

Two years ago I was homeless in LA with three other people. We had run away and I was the one with the idea to run in the first place. You know, out of all the unlucky things that can happen I didn't expect it to happen to me. My girlfriend was one of the people that ran away with us. We were good for a while. We had fun while it lasted and then we got hungry and sometimes people would try to rob us. We had to keep looking over our shoulders. We got kind of paranoid and that's when things went bad. Long story short, they all got shot to death in the same week. My girlfriend got shot right beside me. It was later I found out that the bullet was aimed for me. I went crazy for a while. My brain couldn't process them being gone so I would have hallucinations of them. I would talk to them, laugh with them, and then I'd blink and they would be gone. The reality of it all would come rushing back to me and I'd break down. I became suicidal and I was like that for two or three years. I'm better now than I was a few years ago. That's just a fraction of what has happened to me. I just want an ordinary boring life with a wife and kids and a boring job but I know I won't have that even if I tried. I hope who ever reads this will be luckier than I.

Entry #1845

A New Path

Since the last year or so I've been really going downhill. I started selling more drugs and carried a gun on me everywhere I went. I never realized what my life was becoming until I came here. I was just in love with the money and everything that came with it. Every day I wish I was free, but I know that everything happens for a reason. This place has change me as a person and the lessons I've learned coming here I will carry forever. Now I know none of those things I was involved in were good for me and the people I trusted and called my family weren't what they seemed to be. I'm glad I now have the opportunity to sit back for a while and look at all my mistakes. I need to focus on the path I will take and getting home to my little brother.

Entry #1846

Trust

Trust is a very important trait. Many people don’t take it seriously. Me, for instance, I have trust issues. The reason why is because I learned the hard way. Meaning I put my trust into someone and when I most needed them, they let me down. I don’t want friends for reasons or season. For me to have a true friend I have to trust them. For me that’s hard because you never know if that person is reliable to trust or not. A man goes by his word and doesn’t go back on it that’s apart of trust. Trust is a hard bond that shouldn’t be broken, once broken most times it can’t be fixed.

Entry #1847

I Remember

I remember one time I was sitting in my cell and a staff came up to me. He told me that if I keep doing the same stuff in life I am going to end up like my mother, on drugs and on the streets. I was twelve at the time. I really did not care about what people had to say. I thought I had it good in life. I thought I was just so cool. Everything just went through one ear and out the other. Now I know care what people have to say. I just did not want to let out my feelings and emotions. It was so hard to just sit down and talk to someone about my personal life and how am going to grow up. But then I really realized that the people that really care about me, they will sit down and talk to me. But the people that don’t care about me, they will not even bother. Now that I’m sixteen I think about all the things that people told me when I was twelve. Life is too short to not talk to someone about your problems. People don’t know about your true struggle, even if they mean well. No one knows how you are going to end up; you have to overcome those problems and actions speaks louder than words. All am going to say is am talented, beautiful and smart. I don’t need anyone to judge me and speak down on me. I know that I will be successful in life. No one is perfect.

Entry #1848

To See My Old Man

In my city there’s a lot of violence

Guns bullet shells and a lot of sirens

I’m numb to all the thuggin’ and all the crimin’

Every time I leave the house, Mamma cryin’

Addicted to the struggle

That’s why I’m shinin’

Speakin’ on my brotha, know

We slidin’

I’m tired of the fakes they always lyin’

I want to have a life