Entry #914

MOM'S BACK

16 years in prison, no big deal

Mom’s out of prison, how do I feel?

I missed this woman whose name is mom

Can’t remember her face, gone for too long

Remember as a child I was taken away

From mom way back when on a Christmas day

My present from cps was to start a new life

No mom, no dad, had to fight to stay alive

Group home to group home, bounced around

Foster parents were ruthless, spanking abound

Then dad came to save me from Mr. Evil

Me and my sister safe from the cruelty

No shame in my game, we were living life

Then my dad met my step-mom: Mrs. Right

She had a daughter and 2 sons of her own

She practically raised me, I was never alone

10 years later mom's outta the pen

Promises me she won’t go back in

I'm fresh out of a placement named ROP

She’s clean and sober as clean and sober can be

Know I’m locked back up, product of a jailhouse breed

2 more phases to go, then I’ll be free.

Entry #915

The Mindset

I feel like I can really relate to Nelson Mandela’s quote because I’m the type to hold a grudge.  I know if I can’t convince myself to let things go, then I’ll always be plotting on ways to get back at people who I feel did me dirty. This is probably part of the reason I’m on probation and locked up in the first place. If I could just have the mindset Mandela had and leave behind all my hatred for certain people, then MAYBE I wouldn't be in the position I am now. I’m starting to learn not to let the little things get to me, but it seems like my pride always takes over, and I feel like I NEED to fight a certain person, or I NEED to smoke and drink just because everyone around me is doing it. I realize now that none of that is worth it, and 15 years from now I guarantee no one will remember any of this. If I keep doing the things I do, I’ll probably keep coming in and out of juvenile hall like the rest of these kids.

Entry #917

Gone and In the Past

Yeah I screwed myself but the system didn’t help much either.  It has taken me from my family and made my life hell classifying me with a bunch of kids I’m nothing like. They think they know what’s in my best interest but they don’t. I’m just a kid struggling trying to find my way and sorry I couldn't choose my mom or the way that I was raised. I’m done.  I mean it, I’m really ****** done living life in & out the hall or constantly up on the run. I wish I’d never robbed that house or started ditching school for a girl, but it’s done. It’s over. It’s gone and in the past. It’s time to take a step forward and live everyday like it’s my last. I have my future in my hands & hold the key to my fate. I've lived a crazy 16 years, looking death in the face. Dad, I’m sorry you had to play two roles as a parent because of the mom I never had.  I knew that times were hard and I only made them harder, but you never gave up. I couldn't ask for a better father.

Entry # 920

Slab of Concrete

They give you a slab of concrete and a mat; call it a bed, but I ain’t even buyin’ it

Whatever it is, I made it, so I’m gonna’ have to lie in it

In this life there’s no retrying, you gotta roll with the punches

Takes a strong will to live, because problems roll up in bunches

480 shitty lunches, and I’m getting’ ready for another

Do what you gotta do, I look at adversity as my lover

I met her undercover, she came to me as the fast life

Dressed up as P licks, bops, and them glass pipes

But as I reflect on past fights, stabbings, and shootings

I realize the game wasn't enhancing my life, it was actually diluting

The dreams I was pursuing, are no longer in reach

But I got no one to blame but myself

Entry #923

In Pursuit Of My Happiness

I want to get out and be free,

But I'm afraid I will continue to smoke trees,

That is my struggle in life,

I want to feel lit,

I want to feel light,

Staying up this summer night,

But I don't want to wake up tomorrow,

In my bed of great sorrows,

I need to stay free,

I need my mom to say she loves me,

I want to see my newborn nephew,

When I get out, I don't want to live in a trailer,

Am I failure?

Entry #925

To Be Free

What I need to leave behind to be totally free:

I need to walk away from my other half

I need to separate myself from negative thoughts...

I'm going to walk away from the hurt & sorrow

Walk away from the struggle of being told I can't;

I need to form a positive state of mind

Soon to know that I am worth it

I won't be told every day that I deserve this lifestyle

Soon to know that someone really cares about me to treat me like I'm a person

To walk away from the scars and bruises

No more running away from fear everyday;

From my dogs attacking you because there protecting me;

Soon I will be away from you so I don't have to fear anymore;

Soon I will love myself more than I have ever loved you

Because now I know that I deserve better & no one knows my struggle,

In time there will be nothing but a constant reminder of you through the scars

that are left to show:

I will know that I can be my own person without you.

               

Entry #926

Weekend

You did meth seven months along

Look at me now making dumb choices

I can't stay away from the bong

And it's all your fault I'm hearing voices

The doctor said you can't have a child

But when you did you kept tweaking

The shit I've been thru isn't mild

I've seen you O.D. Just another weekend

I got dealt a shitty hand and can't put it back

Look at you now your six feet in the dirt

Used to have boards broken over my back

Dad got clean while you sat on the couch hella burnt

 

Entry #927

Preparation

Before I walk out

My dark thoughts must stay

Forever keeping me isolated

They must vanish away

When I walk out

My troubled self will become anew

It will be a resurrection

To the path of my ambition

After I walk out

The immaturity will be no more

My eyes will be clear

Preparation will be used

Memories will always

Be in the back of my conscience

Yet a glorious path will forever be shown  

Entry #928

The Amazing Feeling of Freedom

As I leave the walls of confinement I’m expected to fail. Nobody thinks I will succeed. But I have too. What kind of life do I want? If I don’t leave my old ways in the past then the forecast for my future is filled with pain and isolation. Is that what I really want? Maybe? No. I will change because once I leave this place I will remember again the amazing feeling of freedom. It tastes so sweet. It will motivate me…. I tell myself repeatedly.

Entry #929

#Freedom

For me to walk out of here and be truly be free I would have to leave behind my family, all the disappointments.  I will have to leave behind most of myself, most of the stuff that has made me who I am and it won't be easy but I have to, for me. Anger and violence have made my life miserable. I need to leave them behind though they have been with me since before I can remember. I have to forgive everyone, but still trust no one. I have to leave behind "try" and pick up "do". I have to leave behind excuses. I have to lift my chin up, get in my zone, and live, but not let life get to me. #Freedom

Entry #931

Looking for the Key

If you really knew me

You would know

I'm full of mistakes and failures

Where I didn't learn

Life became a struggle

That would imprison my self esteem

Like a caged bear

Looking for the key to freedom

If really knew me

You would understand

I strive to become someone

Our of poverty and depression

Trying to show those who resent

I can succeed in this lifetime

If you really knew me

You would know

The difficulty in my journey

To the peak of happiness

Accomplishing the first

Of my family tree