Caught In The Action
My fed addiction,
vicious flinted smoke,
taking over a rebellious sobriety.
Feeling caught in the action,
fumbling battles, craving the raging sea,
caring grief, telling me it’s not too late.
Enraged game calling my name,
I can’t stop the hesitated high.
Appalled feelings are no longer sober,
craving addiction takes the floor once more.
I see stained glass as I look out my window,
I’m locked up
holding me accountable for my drunken love.
The deep royal sky goes to black
fighting for my soul within these white walls.
Blue doors taunting me when I look forward,
drowning in the sunset beige hell I have created.
As my nights go to days,
my days go to black,
I still hope.
Forgotten in a Deserts Shadow
Collapsed behind the white walls
In the same position
I'm not a thug
Forgotten in a deserts shadow with ash on my face
Screaming twisted anger and anxiety building up in me
Loosening the cuffs
To be let out
Is magic possible?
Trying to remove the knife from my side
Terrible pain, dazed with shame
Victimized from all the lies
Attempts to bring back my pride
Grateful for all that I have.
Courage runs through my veins
indulging me with a sense of determination
to persevere through even the most melancholy of times.
As I sit on my slab of concrete I inquire feelings of helplessness
causing me to feel depressed.
Reluctantly I force the sweet memories of lemon grass and violet fields out of my head.
For now I am surrounded by flint smoke colored walls
in a cage with one deliberate locked door
providing me with the sense of a crazed animal.
Feelings of fatigue and liveliness collide within,
neither diminishing nor accepting my faith and optimism
which pumps my heart to keep me alive.
I believe that I should live every day like it’s my last. I believe I could be whatever I want to be. …that I should not be in this program. …that one day I will own my own business. I believe that two is greater than one. …that no one should get left behind. …that I will have a great life. I believe I will get out of juvenile hall and do well in life. …that I am worth something. …that every person is equal. I believe I like myself more than anyone likes me. …that I have to like myself before someone likes me. I believe that I like myself for who I am.
Stink eyed stare at the teacher
he said, "go see the preacher."
Jumping out the window
My Soon to be wife
Is a soon to be widow
Just feelin' the bliss
All I want is
One last kiss
Every Day Life Goes On
What is it that I fear?
A journey long,
Or a problem near,
Knowing that someone cares,
Or giving away the trust I hold dear?
What is it that I fear?
Knowing a loved one is lost,
Or understanding living life has a fatal cost?
What is it that I fear?
Believing that I can succeed,
Or knowing there are challenges that I cannot beat?
What is that I fear?
I fear special memories,
The ones that make me emotional,
I fear succeeding and leaving those who I am close to,
I fear failure because I did things I wasn’t supposed to,
And most of all I fear living,
For to live means to die,
And to die means my struggle was not worth the try.
As the end of this poem draws to a near,
My question to you is,
What is it that you fear?
Steel bolts locking in the blue doors,
Thin tile beds,
Delusional white walls observing my patients,
I'm powerless, neglected.
Cold steel sink reflecting off the angry cement floor.
Sober hate tearing me down.
Fake smiles and false affections from people who boil with envy.
They pretend they care but they’re steadily neglecting me.
Why stab your jealousy inside of me?
I put it aside so I won’t feel so empty,
Alone and also rejected,
Dreams of poinsettia cheeks
Soulless deceit brought on by grey scale sleep
Serenaded hope runs from me
Pitiful kegs full of demons
Citron money puffing green grapes
Pounds of pride dripping wet
Prison dignity watching Netflix
Mom's regret fills my eyes
"By any means necessary."
As I arrive to this invention
An addressing glimmer reminds me of where I am
Holding the enraged addiction
Banned from my cobwebbed feelings
I realize my volcano is going to explode
Barefoot in the wilderness
My mind tells me, "Stop now. Confront the engine."
Breaking my teeth as I tell them my feelings
Safe and secure now,
I begin to imagine telling myself, "You don't have to be scared anymore."
Slowly I return to reality
Accelerated, everything stops.
When I come home and he knows I’ve been tweaking, these are some of my least favorite things.
Getting all sucked up not eating for days, these are some of my least favorite things.
Getting all spun out doing anything for my next high, these are some of my least favorite things
Being up for days lashing out at anyone in my way, these are some of my least favorite things.
When I’ve been clean for a while and he knows it’s my choice that’ll be my favorite thing.
Hesitant for my freedom,
Confusion dominates my overwhelmed mind,
Anticipating the demons that I know will show up with gold,
Greatness will tempt me to cheat and turn cold.
Fear is not involved and determination will get me through,
The clear morning sunlight and the deep amber glow of evening will not be blocked by brick walls,
I will not be tricked,
But if the devil gets ahold of me,
I’ll be walking with 36 in my clip.
The Sun Rise
Ruby Red sunrise is negotiating with the darkness.
I don't even know what to expect besides
lonliness, anger, and regret.
Opinions keep mocking me,
screaming you're a fool.
Family is appalled,
not understanding why I seem so crippled and fall.
Rays of hope dry up my tearful eyes,
still feeling victimized from my tortured high.
I'm not a creature lurking in the shadows,
I'm a timid girl, afraid of the dark,
I believe in GOD and that He’s by my side all the time no matter what I do or go through.
I believe in Rosa Parks because she stood up for herself.
I believe in talking loud and giggling.
I believe in my dreams.
This I Believe……
Police cars speeding, flashing red and blue.
No longer seeing things the same, I don't think I ever will.
My New Life
All I see are walls of death
Maybe everyone was right, it is too late
It is time to change for the better
For my family and friends
began to say something dumb and edgy.
He pulled out his steel and let 6 hollows loose.
I looked around and saw someone on the ground.
…that we can all use some change.
…that love has no price.
...that everybody needs an education.
...that we make our own decisions.
I believe that America is a good country.
I believe that everybody has a good side and a bad side.
...that we have to respect our elders.
I believe that we can change the world.
Inferno bullet, offending, yet intrusive,
Aggressive glock, fatal shot, resentful wanderer
Shallow grave, stone legacy,
Stolen youth, virtuous soul
Benevolent patron, supreme rapture
The Change of a Man
Anxious to learn the news of my future.
Hope for the best and expect the worst.
Nobody's there to witness my sins.
They say he's always watching, but can it be true?
Pondering on the things I have done.
I have been told this is called regret,
It's the mistakes we learn from that make us who are.
A Single Flower
pink and green water groves
sitting next to it is where I think about the sun, stars, and a beautiful rose
where I am and where I’ll go
Dusty mountain train
drifts in deep royal torment
glass bottles and cash
If you’re caught believing
because of the monsters acts.
Being The Change