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WRITE

Writing Exchange 2006-2017

This blog was created to display some of the powerful writing being done by incarcerated youth. Participants currently include juvenile hall facilities in Siskiyou, El Dorado, Placer, Fresno, and Butte County. Students are given journal topics and asked to write what needs to be written. Several entries are handpicked from each classroom site and posted to the blog anonymously. Students at each site then read the material together, discussing the writing and connecting with others.


Planned Exchanges 2017: December 15

Planned Exchanges 2018: January 19, February 16, March 16, April 20

Wednesday, October 30, 2013


This month, we are excited to have Lassen County Juvenile Hall writers join the mix.

Entry #378
Never More

In this moment, I'm caught trying to fight these salty tears. Blinking, holding back sobs. Not because my life is all that bad, I'm not searching or seeking your pity. I am battling the guilt, coursing through my meth ridden veins. It’s a funny thing about dope...guilt, remorse and regret only show once the monster is done running its course.
I'm moving on, I told my mom and finally she believes, with a sliver of hope... that I'm not too far gone. Waging an unbeatable war to get my life back in check. I see their wrongs. I try to do right but all I end up doing is failing. Life isn't hard.  It's the depression, the fear, and even the hurt. I've gone through too much in too little time to land myself here. Here isn't a person, a place, or a thing. It’s a landing spot I’ve crashed into and slowly began to burn. The fire isn’t dangerous unless you let it get out of control. All I'm trying to do is let it turn my past to ash, my present to dust, and let new growth make way for tomorrow.
Dear Mom, I'm sorry it’s been a long windy road, and I still haven’t found my way home. Just to let you know, I'm coming back. Dear Monster, you ran your game, you told me not to play. I ignored my mother’s pleas and my father’s nightmares and sat down while you held my hand. You’re the cat and I'm the mouse, but I'm tired of returning as your constant play thing. Try me once I'll release you to your home, Try me twice I'll run your soul. I ruined this once, I failed it twice, but I say this now: I'll not turn to you for a third time. 

Entry# 379
Before It’s Too Late

A Line from Writing Exchange dated April 10, 2013 Entry # 213:
“All I feel in here is guilty of what I did and the people I hurt.”
          What I regret most is not being there for my little brother. He is only 8 years old. He doesn’t have a mom or dad. In fact I don’t even think he knows who his dad is. His mom, our mom, is actually locked up; she is serving 8 years. She won’t be released until he is 12 years old. It’s very hard on him.
        I remember one time, the very first time we went to visit mom in prison. My brother, my grandma and I just finished eating at Jack in the Box. We were on our way to the prison and as we got closer my brother suddenly said, “I feel sick, like I am going to throw up.” I didn’t know why all of a sudden my brother felt sick.  It didn’t occur to me that the reason he felt that way was because he was nervous. It had a major impact on my brother. So when we got to the prison and finally went to visit her, everything was going good…until we had to say goodbye. He started crying, and it wasn’t just I’m crying because I feel like it, it was a cry of pain. We tried to comfort him but nothing worked, he kept repeating himself saying,  “I want my mom,” but there was nothing we could do and it hurt. I felt like crying too, but I had to be strong for my brother.
        Well the reason I am telling you this story is because I am locked up…just like my mother. I am only serving 4 months. I am not there for my brother like I should be. I know he misses me. I should have thought about the impact it would have on him.
        When I get released I need to stop focusing on me and my wants and focus on him too, or my brother will turn out like my mom and I. I don’t want that to happen. I have to change before it’s too late and I regret that I didn’t.

Entry # 380
Frantic Hope

To be free is a dream, a dream that I may never have. False justice stands in my way.  Corruption is all around me. Frustration lives within me because hatred is the lense that I see through. Baby blue door keeping me captive. White walls talk to me when I'm saddened.  Frantic like an antelope running from a lion, trying to survive.  My hope is like the antelope.  Perhaps I'm the lion.

Entry # 381
To Shine Again

As I work out the darkness of my own imprisonment I feel nothing but pain and anguish.  I stare in the mirror but all I see is the sadness of my own menace. Sure I’m clean, but I feel all the more dangerous as I await my sentence.  I know it isn’t the end of my dark decisions. I will continue to stain this soul of mine until death is no longer indecisive or the light of life again shines inside of me.

Entry# 382
Those Days

       In this moment I’m hurt because things have changed so much over the past three years. I wish things were the way they used to be because those were the good days not having to worry about a thing but my baby girl and myself. Those were the best days, chilling at home with my baby girl, watching TV, holding her, giving her baths, and teaching her how to sit up. Oh, how much I miss those days.
        Now I’m in here while you’re out there being adopted. I’m sorry baby girl. I just wish things were the way they used to be, when my dad was still alive. He taught me how to be a better parent by pushing me along when I said I couldn’t do it anymore. I wish things were the way they used to be because those were the good days.

Entry # 383
Tunnels

I stare down into the thicket of the hole,
visualizing a rabbit and a clock,
I'm out of time.
Without further breath, I jump.
Blindly I fall watching the dirt engulf me.
Sticks cut my arms, dry heat suffocates my eyes.
I hit the ground.
Circled by tunnels
Welcomed by the sounds of dripping water.
The damp walls seem to breath.
Illuminated by absent sorcerers,
I can see.
Nocturnal to the night, my eyes adjust.
I am the predator owl.
I glide over rigid bumps of mud.
My hands coated with glue,
Realization sets in,
I can see the end.
Bells chime in the darkness,
Flashing shadows of demons hiss and pulse.
Harps string decoratively in the ceiling,
Flames lick the floor.
I come to an end, the dirt walls inches away.
The stairway to heaven, or the drop to hell?
I am out of time.

Entry# 384
Am I Really Sorry?

A line from Writing Exchange on August 28, 2013:
“Mom I apologize for all the things I have done.”
        This phrase made made me think. Sure I feel really sorry right now, but that’s because of the situation I’m in. Would I feel sorry or even think about my mom if I was still out there on the streets? So what happens when I get out? Does that feeling stay?
        Well from personal experience, it doesn’t. Whenever I was locked up I would say all sorts of crap but when it came time to get out, I forget everything and go back to my old habits. I would not go home for days or even talk to my family for weeks. But sure enough when I come in here I regret it all and promise to “change this time for sure.” Then I get out again and what do I do? Damn right I go smoke it all away or drink till I can’t be sure I ever even thought about those things.
        Everything changes for me, I don’t want to believe I need other people in my life. Hopefully, now I can open my eyes to what life really is. But I have said that before, too. So am I really sorry after all?

Entry # 385
Life

Life doesn’t seem like mine anymore
Taking so many steps I don’t know how many miles I’ll go
Trapped in this fairytale I’m ashamed to call my life
Concealed with anger like a Television that is not turned on
And I hope that I don’t have to spend another Happy belated locked up
Having my life controlled like a game whether I’m asleep or awake
If I keep doing the same things my future will be at stake
Right now in my mind my life feels like it’s exploding way worse than the
San Francisco Earthquake
But it’s my life and I have to change my mind state
Whether it’s today, tomorrow, or the next day
All I know is that I need to change my life

Entry# 386
Goals

        In this moment, I’m feeling like I will change when I get released. When, I get out, I will go to school and graduate from high school. My goal is to graduate and go to college. Since, I’ve been locked-up, I found out all the bad things I was doing were serious crimes. I regret doing those things and the pain I caused my parents. I was always in the streets with my old friends.
        When I get out, I will stop hanging out with my old friends and go to school. I want to become a correctional officer when I grow up. I feel like I can relate to some of the kids locked up and help change their lives. My goal at this time is to graduate from high school and attend college. I will find new positive friends to hang out with. I want to do something constructive with my life when I get out of juvenile hall.

Entry# 387
I’m Sorry Mom

I’m sorry I hurt you deep
I’m sorry you don’t believe me
I’m sorry our relationship won’t work out the way we want it to
I’m sorry I sold myself for money and dope
I’m sorry you lost all hope
I’m sorry I stole from you
I’m sorry I lied and said I’ll help you find it, just for a ten dollar bill
Now that I think all this I feel so ill
I’m sorry I made you feel how you feel
I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me especially when there was nothing in the fridge to eat
I’m sorry we always fought
I never realized how much I miss you since I’ve been away from home
I’m sorry you don’t know what to do with me, except send me here because you can’t handle me
I’m sorry I turned out so bad and gay.
I’m sorry for all those things I’ve done but,
It wasn’t right when you told the judge I need help, I’m crazy and started making a scene. I got into a drug program like you wanted me to
What else do you want me to do?
I told you I’m sorry.

Entry # 388
THE PITY PERSON

Unfortunaly I am the pity person,
laugh at me you will, the worse I feel,
I am pathetic, sorrowful, and lonely,
I am scum of the earth and enraged with fear,
behold I AM THE PITY PERSON,
all this happened because of one word,
one disease
her name is addiction
one day I’m drinking
the other I’m sinking
gee I wonder
I wonder what she is thinking
Does she know that my heart is beating
is she defeating my purpose
I wonder

Entry# 389
Coming Down

A line from Writing Exchange 8-28-13, Entry #327:
 “Mother, I remember how you would act when you were on one.”
I remember how you tried to hide your needles and dope pipe, so you wouldn’t hurt us.
I remember how you would scream for us to hide underneath the bed so flying bullets wouldn’t hit me or my little brother.
I remember how you had all those dope fiends and gang bangers live in our house and how they would eat all the food.
I remember how me and my little brother would starve and only eat one sandwich a day. How you made one meal, to last us only a couple of days.
I remember how you used our welfare for drugs, and left only $50 for food.
I remember we only had baloney and bread.
I will never forget how you would lock yourself in your room, wigging the hell out that the cops were after you.
        I remember when you had your hair up and you looked beautiful, ready for the day because you were on your level [on drugs]. You were the nicest mom for a while. But when the drugs started to wear off, your hair became wild, like a lion. You looked like a demon possessed you; my brother and I already knew to stay away from you when you were coming down. We couldn’t resist it, we loved you mom. I was eight, and my brother was six years old, when you would grab your hair, like you were super frustrated, telling us, "I have the devil inside me, you stupid ass kid, you’re driving me insane, get the hell out!”  Then, you would chase us with a cable wire.
        I remember how one of your friends died right on our front porch from a drive-by. I witnessed a lot of things that a child should never see. You only had one rule for us, and that rule was to not bring the cops home. But then again I chose to follow your path, getting arrested with gang enhancements. Do I forgive you, no, but, then, yes, I love you with all my heart and every breath I take. You were my Dad and Mom.
        I do forgive you because I’m still alive today. I’m a survivor of a wild life. I know you lost everything, just to provide for us, but, you did it the illegal way. I remember that last day I stayed with you, when my brother and I were fighting, and he went outside crying. I went to go apologize to him. You had all your homies and home girls there smoking dope with you. Once my brother and I walked in, exactly fifteen seconds later, someone was pounding on the door with rage. Yelling out, “Police! Open the door, ------! We know you’re in there! POLICE!" Boom--Boom! Then I see you get up and hide your smoking tools underneath my mattress. The cops kicked down the door, twenty or twenty five police officers came in rushing. They arrested every single adult in there, even your young friends. The only two kids were me and my brother. We were on our way to Child Protected Services (CPS) until I made the right move, and called my sister. She picked us up so fast from that nightmare. That was the last time we stayed with you.
Although it never left me, I do forgive you mom.

Entry # 390
To Know Why

If you really knew me you would know that I’m hurting inside.
You  would know I  put a front up for people.
If you really knew me you would know that I’m an addict.
If you really knew me you would know that I have two sides to me.
You would know I don’t get along with my dad.
You would know that I’m afraid of the future.
If you really knew me you would know why I hustle.
If you really knew me you would know I used to want to take my life.
If you really knew me you would know why I have so much hate built up. 

Entry # 391
Angelic

An innocent salt water tear falls from the eye of an angelic little girl.
Like the tear she too falls down to an enchanted world.
She falls, silently mortified by her deepest fears.
Unconscious on a bottomless floor,
swiftly awaken by the slamming shut of heaven’s door.
As he looks into her eyes she wished she were blind,
suddenly empty inside stuck in the Devil's lies.
Hell bound internally without the chance of compromise.
She has been forever sent away never again to see the light of day.
Her life locked away.     

Entry # 392
Light

In this moment I am rearranging my life, I am taking out the bad things that once were so damaging.
In this moment I am reaching my goals, doing what I’m supposed to without being told.
In this moment I am staying strong, putting down that glass pipe that once destroyed my soul.
In this moment I am preparing myself because I am no longer going to run from who I am.
I am ready to go out and live out my dreams because the life I thought I once loved is not as it seems.
In this moment I am saved; I no longer feel disgraced.
Life is tough but I have lots of faith… ask and you shall receive. That’s what God’s doing for me today.
He renewed my heart, made it pure and clean,
He gave me light, now I can finally see.
Sometimes I still mess up but nobody told me this road would be easy and I don’t believe He brought me this far to leave me.

Entry # 393
My Family

The only thing that I care about is my family. I love my family very much, but sometimes we get into fights. I can't deal with the drama with my dad and so I just run away. It's hard for me to deal with my problems. It bums me out when I am not able to spend time with my beautiful family, so I use drugs and alcohol to hide my feelings! It's especially hard when I’m not able to spend time with my mom. My mom was always there for me. She understood what I was going through. But now I can't see or even hug her when I am having a bad day, or if I am just in one of my moods.
It's hard because my mom has been locked up for basically my whole life. I can't wait until she gets out. I am going to be so happy when she does! I don't want her to feel that it is her fault that I am locked up. I just want her to get out and do good, and not go back to her old ways with her so called "friends". I have been trying to get along with my dad, my little brother, and my little sisters. When I get out I want to fix things with them, so things can go back to normal, and we all can be a happy family again.

Entry # 394
Truly

I ask myself if I’ll ever be truly happy. I sit here in my cell just thinking what I’ve done and missed out on in life. My damn dad kicked me out. I get a letter saying your girls doing bad; she’s on the streets tweaking just like your dad. I ask myself if I’ll ever be truly happy or am I going to be in and out of jail the rest of my life. All I want is a good life and a good wife. I’m not trying to be in and out of prison the rest of my days.

Entry# 395
12 Years

A line from Writing Exchange 8-28-13, Entry #343:
“I don’t forgive my dad because he’s never been in my life”
My dad was in my life for 12 years. I loved him with all my heart and believed he’d always be there for me and thought he’d always be my hero. But all my dreams were destroyed when I found out he was put in prison for a crime that’s unforgivable. Now I stop and think, I would rather have had him gone before I was born. I wish I had never looked up to him knowing now the person he is and always will be.

Entry # 396
Coldened Hardships

Evil decays its way through life
Even through the walls at night,
Masticating through defeat.
Sleeping sound, a sudden bang,
Body twitches from coldened pain.
Feeling alone while quietness wins
More come in, stuck with their sins.
Bright and shiny days outside,
The things in life that make me laugh,
But Bad decisions bring me back.
Corrupted minds dwell on the fix
Only see “enter,” but miss the exit.
Days, the reaper marks his checklist.
Remorse seeps slowly, right through the skin
Will I think before I act again?

Entry # 397
Test of Courage

Take a look at me and tell me what you see,
A skinny white kid ‘wanna’ be?
No that’s just me.
I used to try and act hard until that life changing moment when my girlfriend told me she was pregnant.I knew right then and there that I had a choice: keep selling dope and gang banging, or be the father I always wanted. I chose to be a father.
I remember the first time I held my son; I was the proudest person in the world.  All I wanted to do was be there for him, and I was.  But I guess you could say I got bored, so I started kicking it with the "homies" and selling drugs again.  My girl tried to help me see that I was ignoring my family and being selfish, but I just didn't care. Then one day I got pulled over and found with stolen property. I ditched court and ended up with a warrant. Eventually it caught up with me and I got locked up. I thought that was the end of it but it wasn’t.
I was out for two weeks and I then back to the same stuff with another warrant. I ran for 6 months until it caught up with me. Now here I sit, thinking about my baby boy and his mom.  I'm going to change.  I'm going to be there for him.  Forget the gangs, guns, and drugs. Now I'm about bottles, binkies and diapers. I'm a father now, and I don't want to be anything else. I know that when I look in my son's eyes I'm ready to stop being that thug and be a daddy.

Entry # 398
Screaming

If you really knew me you'd know nothing has changed
You'd know that I'm frustrated and I'm addicted to pain
If you really knew me you'd know that my mom hates me
You'd know she blames me for her current health
That I'm trying all I can to keep myself from falling apart
If you really knew me you'd know that I'm afraid of responsibility
You'd know that I'm afraid of failing and that's why I never go home
If you really knew me you'd know that I'm not a violet person
You'd know that this bully wants someone to love
If you really knew me you'd know why I cry myself to sleep every night
You'd know the devil tries to claim me as his best friend
If you really knew me you'd know why I'm in a gang
You'd know that my gang are the only ones there for me
If you really knew me you'd know that I really do care
You'd know that I'm screaming for help
If you really knew me you'd know that my mom is dying
You'd know that she tells me not to trip but all I can do is worry

Entry # 399
Is There Still Time?

Have to straighten up
The big 18 here I come!
Scared as hell, don’t be dumb
Tripping out every night,
what will happen with my life?
be good --stay clean
be hood-- act mean
A million questions in my head,
If I don’t do right will I end up dead?
These are the things that plague my mind.
I’ve got to straighten up
But give me some time.

Entry # 400
Through My Eyes

When I look in the mirror I see me and when I see me I think I’m going too throw up. I have done wrong in life. I hate society so much it drives me nuts. What am I going to do? I don’t have any more pot or pills; I just have myself.  I feel crazy on the way to school, like I’m going to snap. I wish I had more happiness with this life that I was given by God, but everything around me is the same as me.

Entry # 401
Anticipation

I’m so anticipated ready for the shot,
But there was no one there to call it off
I think everyone must have forgot,
Then I see myself running off
Opening my back door to my loft,
Running to the bathroom cough after cough
Don’t know what they solve,
But I do know what they cause
Just for a second I sit and pause,
Staring at my hands looking more like claws

Entry # 402
I Confess, I am an Addict

In this moment I am clueless, I have no idea what’s coming next. I have court on the 8th but only know I am getting committed. I don’t know where I am going or if my family wants me. I only tried the drug. I didn’t know I was going to lose my meat. I didn’t know five days could take me to the ocean. Mom I promise, I know I have said this before, but truly coming from the heart I know what I did hurt not only my heart but yours too. Mom I am sorry I just wanted to know how and why the drug took you away from me, that’s all. But what I will tell you that I haven’t said before is that I know why you left me. You left because of that stupid thing that they use as a term for, I need it more than anything mom, it is our addiction.  

Entry # 403
Good Morning

Opening my eyelids at 6 every morning for the fall of hot water on my figure.  As I walk out the steel cage and into another room I rub my pits with an unusual smell of greatness.  Big people tell me to hurry up and quit slow playing. I verbally tell them off and get a discipline. My day starts.

Entry # 404
I am Ready

I just sit and think in my room about what I did to be in here. Why am I not on the outs with my family? I did not choose to be here. I try to stay away from this place but always seem to come back to it. I just don't get it; I want to change and I am ready to change because this is not how I want my life to be, locked up away from loved ones. I am going to think before I do next time or I might come in on a worse charge in the future. I don't think about what I do when I do dumb little things to get me locked down. I am not only hurting myself, I am hurting all my loved ones. They think of me as there little girl. They can’t believe I am in here and they don't want to believe I am. 

Entry # 405
Demon Beside Me

Alone. In a plain white cell.
Wait. Someone is talking to me.
My conscience or a demon?
I see him clear as day.
He tells me to do things. That are bad
I do them. Afraid if I don’t
 Am I going crazy, or is he really there?
 He gives me a wicked smile and disappears.
Now without him here, I finally see the colors in life.
I’m free but all alone; do I want him back?
I make good choices, but I’m all alone.
But not for long.  He’s back!  Still just as evil as the Wicked Witch.
Sometimes I wonder if I missed him. . .
The answer is always yes.

Entry# 406
The Right Path

A line from Writing Exchange 5-15-13 Entry #252:
“What keeps me going?”
Seeing my family again keeps me going. I can’t stand to be locked in a cell but I know that a mistake was made.  I sit in my cell and realize that I only have one life. As I sit in my cell and look at the white walls, I’m picturing my family’s face. A stupid mistake was made and I’m the only one to blame. The next time I’m in the same situation then I’ll think before I act. The walls may be white and the nights may be cold, however, each day that passes by I’m closer to home. What keeps me going, being able to hug each one of my parents someday? I paint pictures in my mind and visualize what’s going on outside. My feelings are unknown as I asked God to put me on the right path. These mistakes were ignorant, so next time I plan to listen to my family and stay out of this place. I know I’m not a criminal and that’s enough to keep me going the right way. That’s what keeps me going.

Entry# 407
Regrets

A line from Writing Exchange 4-10-13, Entry #214:
“If only I had a chance to change”
        If only I had a chance to change the things I did to get in here in juvenile hall, I would in a millisecond. I have so many regrets and things I wish I had a chance to change.
 One thing I regret is burning the bridges with my aunt who’s always there for me and only wants to help me succeed.
         I also regret having my parents and family worried about me. I have them worried so much that they sometimes wonder if I’m dead or alive. I wish had a chance to change the things that I did that made my family cry.
         I regret running the streets and leaving my little sisters behind. They know I love them and care about them. I don’t want them to pick up my bad habits and leave all their good things behind. They are the other half of my heart.  I sometimes wonder if I’m going to continue to run the streets.
        If I really had a chance to change I would change everything that I did in my past and the things that I am still doing. My family and parents want me to change, but I have so many regrets. I need to change and I want to change.

Entry # 408
Done Using

Today I found out my grandma might be giving me another chance of coming home. 
I’m pretty excited because I might get to come home to live with my baby brother. See he and I have no mother. She died from meth use, such a sorry death.
This is my fourth time being locked up due to my own methamphetamine addiction. I tell my grandmother I’m done using and coming back to --------County’s juvenile hall and I believe it’s true, but somehow when I’m around dope I start craving the high feeling again. 
I’m currently sober, missing my girlfriend. I feel my heart deteriorating and rotting away. Everyday she’s always on my mind. She’s my best friend and a friend I’ll forever call mine.   I’ve made many mistakes while I’ve dated her and so has she.  I hold no grudge; I just want her in my life. I want to grow old and have a family with her. Through all the rain, sorrow and pain, I’ll love her till the death of me. I feel like meeting her was destiny.

Entry # 409
The Big Mistake

Death walked in my window,
Good thing it was my friend though.
We grabbed the useless and walked out.
Running around, going about.
Shouts shudder shame
I can’t seem to tame.
The night of my guilt took me in,
The walls remind me of my kin.
I said, "I’m gonna get up and take a new road.”
It’s time to take off my heavy load.
Starting off on reading the holy book,
It gave my future a brighter look.
It really got my mind back on track.
When I get out I’ll do my best to avoid crack.

Entry # 410
Self-Cleansing

        In this moment, I am doing all that I can to make a better tomorrow for my family and I, putting behind me a yesterday full of endless regrets and continuous mistakes. Today is a process of self-cleansing, to be a new person, making yesterday’s failures meaningless.
        I’ve learned the art of self-control to control my actions, to think before acting or thoughtlessly reacting to negativity and stress. Tomorrow, my new self won’t make those same thoughtless, careless mistakes of crashing into those same obstacles that led me to foot the path of destruction. Knowing that my actions-either negative or positive-will bring about consequences, will have effect on my tomorrow.
        Today, I am protected by my discretion, this new found knowledge pleasant to my soul like sugar to the tongue of a small child. I understand that there is more to life than just my woes and worries.  To be more compassionate of others and incorporating that Golden Rule into my daily life. I am paying back society, instead of taking and stealing what doesn’t belong to me, realizing that the world owes me nothing. I am also learning the act of discipline and being civilized for my reentrance into the world.
        All in all, I am aiming towards a better tomorrow, both guilt and regret-free, walking a blameless and confident walk before yesterday’s trespassers and accusers, and no longer bound by “what ifs” and “should’ve, could’ve’ would’ves” of yesterday. They are a distant memory. All that matters now is the better choices and actions I make today. But what exactly will this mystic tomorrow bring to me, this reborn self?

Entry# 411
My Thoughts

The feeling of being alive
Obstacles I’ll have to face
Choosing up or taking a bribe
I’m stuck or taking it day by day
If I play my cards right
My efforts have no ability to detain
If careless, I throw my dice
To see how it takes play
Saying the truth or telling a lie
It all hurts either way
To stay loyal all the time
51/50 chance of being betrayed
Goals I really want to strive
More effort and heart is all it takes
Interrupted of wrong is my mistake
Distracted emotions run tight
These thoughts carried in my head
It’s all the state of mind
I have too many debates
I give up or do I choose to try
Competitive to my games
Climbing the top to survive
Pushing or do I stay the same
It’s Me, Myself, I that remains

Entry# 412
Things Would Be Different

A line from Writing Exchange, 4-10-13, entry 218:
 “What if my childhood wasn’t as bad as it was?”
If my childhood wasn’t the way it was I think things would be different. But some things probably would’ve been the same as they are today.  I wasn’t such a bad little kid, but I kept yelling and arguing with my teacher, cussing at them and not doing my work even in the 1st grade. If I hadn’t flunked or got suspended so much then things may have been different. If I had not used drugs at the age 13,  maybe I would not have used drugs at all. If I had just stayed in school and stopped ditching to stay home and get high or try to make money, then things would have been different. If during this whole time I had been doing things the right way….Maybe, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

Entry # 413
Treasure

Weak smile, empty assurance I give to my family. I don’t know how long I’ll be here. I know what I do is wrong but do I with my misguided soul of this earth? I fear this is all I’m worth. When I get out it’ll be like another birth. When I emerge, no doubt, I’ll begin to fail but I will seek triumph and good in the ways of life. I’ve matured, yes, but I’m still learning to walk in the right direction. I will thrive; I just need to keep reminding myself, “No more lies to the faces of family.” You’ve still loved me after all these crimes I feel I’ve  committed a million times, yet you’ve managed to stay by my side after all these years. You are great as your love. No matter what, you are treasures in my eyes.

Entry # 414
Love Is

Love is the warmth
From holding hands
The butterflies
From waking next to you
Love is truth
And being faithful
It is Gold wedding bands
And meaning it when saying " I Do "
Love isn't Drugs
It isn’t the breath you breathe from your pipe
It isn't the lies
And the breaking of your heart
Love isn’t cheating
Even though you keep forgiving
Love is telling the truth
Also remembering who you are
It is the laughter of your children
And wrinkled smiles
Love is knowing that your my first
my only
my last
Love is Agreeing
And Disagreeing
Love isn’t the tears
And the leaving
Love isn’t hurtful words
And Love is me
Love isn’t you
I just wish I knew.