Always wanting Dope is on my mind
Dealing drugs is what I did
Insane is what I’m feeling
Coaxing me all the time
Temptation is on my mind
Incarceration is what I got
Only one hit is what I told myself
Not wanting to stop
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Almost every day I feel like crap and I'm always exhausted during the day. My body's falling apart, piece by rotting piece. I have a bone missing in my back, so it always is killing me. I'm sick and tired of people annoying the hell out of me. I can't stand it. They give me a headache. At times I want to wring their neck. I'm sick and tired of living where I live. It's so damn hard to trust people to be cool.
I'm sick and tired of not having my father around. I had to learn to be a man by myself. If he was here (and not being out of control) I wouldn't have to worry about protecting what's left of my family. I'm just so sick and tired. My dad, the one person I needed most at a young age, had to be an ass and leave. As a young kid, my relationship with him was pretty good. He had a pretty bad life as a kid too, but that is not an excuse to treat me the way he eventually did. He always had a new bimbo with him each time we crossed paths. If I cried, that SOB would choke me, like Homer did to Bart on the Simpson's. I am just as violent and destructive now as he is. I guess it just runs in the blood. My father? I wouldn't call him that.
My Life, All Alone in This Cell
I sit in this cell thinking about what’s going to happen if I stay in jail longer than 20 years. How many people I will lose? The things I’m going to miss out on. When I’m in a cell, I think about life in a different way, But when I’m home I just think about myself and what people can do for me. I don’t think about anybody else’s feelings, Or what they want in life. I just be thinking about myself and only me. I just know if I had somebody to help me change my ways, I would be a better person and my life would be better also. Me? I never had a father It was only my brothers and one sister. My mother was barely even home. She was working’ so hard to take care of four kids by herself. She had a boyfriend, But all he did was abuse me when she was at work, ‘Cause I was crying’ for her when she was at work. My brothers and sister were always gone with their father, So they were never home. I was all alone. I never had anybody to look up to until my brother came home. And that was my father. He put clothes on my back and took me to school every day. All the things I wanted, he gave to me. And when he died, my life was over. I stopped going to school and stopped coming home some nights. I started stealing clothes from the mall and stealing cars. Then I started selling weed and coke to keep money in my pocket. I wanted to be fly like all the others I was with, And I got a gun I wanted to kill the person who killed my brother. I didn’t want my life to be this way.
I was young and stupid. I remember going to the store to get some liquor. I heard my cousin telling me to pick a certain kind. I saw my him putting the bottle into a backpack. I worried that he would get caught and arrested. I thought he wasn’t going to steal it. I am following him out of the store. I think nobody saw him steal the it. I needed to drink some of that liquor. I tried not to drink that much, but I could not control myself. I can't forgive myself for drinking that much that day, because I ended in the hospital for AP. I will never drink that much ever again. I choose not to drink liquor any more. When I dream back to that horrible day of when I got AP I hope I never end up in the hospital again. I predict that I will never get AP again. I know that I don’t want to be a drunk and I want to change.
Journal # 108
Saddest Day Ever
On Jan 23, 2006 when my little sister died, I realized I had to change my life around. One day I was sleeping and I was dreaming about what happened to my sister and I had to deal with my mom crying and crying. I would say, “Mom, it’s ok,” and she would say, “No it’s not.” During my showers, I would cry and release my pain. While the hot steaming water ran down my face, I welcomed the pain that comes with the tears. When I look in the mirror, I see my reflection and start to cry because my life is messed up and I am sad. When I think of my little sister my stomach feels like it’s tightening into a little ball and it feels like I’ve got to throw up.
If I Walked Out of Here Today
If I walked out of here today I would probably pass out
Knowing I don't have to wear these jumpsuits
And hear these mouths I would thank the Lord over and over for letting me be free
Letting me out of this coffin
Which would probably become a home for me
If I walked out of here today I would stand in the middle of the street
Just to smell the gases from the cars, trucks and buses riding next to me I would sit in the park around my way and just laugh
Knowing that I no longer have a certain time limit on when I take a bath
If I walked out of here today I would probably walk home
Just to get the feel of being free again
Knowing I can go to the one true place that I call home
If I walked out of here today
If I walked out of here today
If I walked out of here today Damn! Let me stop thinking ‘If” ‘Cause that’s a bother to me I just pray and wait for that day to come Where I’ll finally be FREE!!
Just a place
Understanding where your actions may lead you.
Vacationing away from the streets or the life you were living.
Entertainment is left to the imagination while you sit in your cell.
No way out!!!
Isolation has to be the worst thing.
Every day is a day closer to home.
Hoping for the best.
Always looking at the calendar.
Looking towards the future.
Learning for the past.
On the 11th and 12th, I will be going to Monterey and Santa Cruz for my first time. I'll be going with my class for a field trip. I expect to have a good time and create fun memories to look back on of my friends and our time together. Some of my concerns are that I haven't been to Santa Cruz and I don't know for sure whether I will like it or not. The thing I am most excited about is getting to go to the ocean again and smell the fresh ocean air. I will contribute to the trip by helping get things ready and behaving like a mature, but somewhat childish, adult. We made money by fundraising. I got to help with the car wash. The rest of the class did other fundraising activities and teambuilding. The only thing that would stop me going would be if I have to work, but I am pretty darn sure I won't have to. I am really looking forward to this trip!
Why do people die? Why did you have to die and leave me here to ask why? Why did I have to cry in front of them? Why did I have to let them know how weak I really was for you? Why couldn’t life be so much easier? Like you could walk down the street without being scared of those who don’t like you and they are going to come anytime and end your life? Well, let me tell you why all these things happen. It's because either you shouldn’t draw attention to yourself or it’s just your time to go.
I’m a criminal back in my hood who always makes mistakes in my life that get me sent to the hall. I remember my mother always coming to visit me in the hall and she would cry out of nowhere because she wouldn’t like to see me like this. She didn’t want to see me end up dying. I know that I need to change to make my mother happy and show her that I really have improved a lot. I hope that nothing would stop me from changing my life around and accomplishing my goals. I will try my best with all my abilities to change for her.
He just found a new girl
I remember … I was always wrong.
I remember… doing my best.
I remember…of my success.
I remember… when she loved me and always said she did.
I remember… when I hid.
I remember… I tried.
I remember…my mother cried.
I remember…all those days I had.
but right now my time is spent
I remember when I was 15 years old in a small neighborhood. My mom was washing my clothes for school. Two minutes the phone rang. It only took two seconds when her purse fell out. I was craving for my drug. I saw a bunch of one hundred dollar bills. I pulled one of them out. I said mom your purse fell out. She didn’t even count her money to see if it was all there. My mom said thanks mijo and gave me another twenty dollar bill for school. I said thanks mom and gave her a kiss on her cheek. When I came back from school my mom looked like she knew that I had something that belonged to her. She asked me that if I had her hundred dollar bill. My mom said if you don’t give it back I’m going to tell your brother to not take you with him on the trip to Las Vegas. I said mom I don’t know what you are talking about. She told my brother to beat me up; I went out and smoked blunts to cheer up. But I regret it because if I had been honest she would have probably given me one hundred or maybe a fifty dollar bill and still have had her trust. My brother would have probably taken me to Vegas, but I was too deep into marijuana to regret what I did.
Where I come from is a city called ******,
(Drawing By Freedom Teacher Bill Feavor)
I wonder in this life if there is a plan or do we float around aimlessly, coasting through life? I believe in life we wander around aimlessly and there is a plan. Confusing, I know, however I am an atheist and therefore don’t believe in a God or in many gods. If there was a plan, we couldn’t make decisions. It would have already been decided from the day you were conceived from your father and mother.