Entry #2150

Breakfast

Being locked up for the holidays doesn’t mean much to me because I’ve never had parents who cared enough to celebrate. They smoked and bought drugs instead. The only thing I miss is being with my friends, because they were the ones who gave me Christmas presents. If I were home for the holidays, I’d probably wake up to my mom, high on something, calling me and my sister names. Then, I’d likely go to a friend’s house to get drunk and try to forget about the day. What I really want is a Christmas with my sister and little brother. What I want is a present for me, and for my brother and sister too. I just want to spend time with my family and eat breakfast with them. I don’t need much, just a real Christmas.

Entry #2151

Wishing

I wish I didn’t get out of the car.

I wish I stayed to wait for them to come back.

I wish I didn’t let them drive the car,

especially after they were drinking.

I wish I went straight home.

I wish I left with them after we watched those people crash.

I wish I didn’t fall back asleep.

But I did. 

Entry #2152

Goodbye 2024

I am learning this new thing called loving myself. So I wanted to say: 

 

        Goodbye to the people who left me stranded and used me. 

Goodbye drugs. 

Goodbye self-harm 

Goodbye anger that got the best of me. 

Goodbye to fighting 

Goodbye to obsessing over boys. 

        Goodbye to being locked up. 

       ….Goodbye to never loving myself.

Entry #2153

Tasting Freedom

In nine days I’ll be free.  I’ve been in this place for a year and two days. Long slow days. Sometime I go back and look at all the time that I’ve spent behind these walls. The end is coming fast. The pain that I’ve felt every day for over a year is about to go away soon.  I hope I have what it takes to stay free. I never want to come back to this place. Being locked up has affected my family a lot. My mom will never be the same because the pain that I put her through. People sometimes ask me if I regret the things that I did, and I always tell them that I don’t regret anything, because regrets will hold me back from success. I have a good plan to stay on the road of success and I hope everything goes as planned. My mom has been happier than ever because of the fact that I’m getting out soon. And everyone will see the things that I do right.

Entry #2154

Incarceration for Christmas

I hate being taken away from my family. It takes something away from me not being with the people I love. I have never purposely been away from my family around this time. It’s something new, but new is not always good. If I was home I would be getting ready for Christmas with my little brothers, decorating the house and thinking about the gifts I would receive Christmas Day. Instead I’m locked up with people I barely know. This will be my family for Christmas this year.     

Entry #2155

Colder and Colder

As a kid I always wanted to be something great to the world and it sort of broke me when the judge said I’m a danger to the community for the first time. When I first got locked up I never wanted to come back, I was only an 11-year-old little boy, and, of course, I hated every second of it. Now as a 16-year-old young man I look back and look at the time incarcerated and I see no progress. I went from small crimes to violent and horrific crimes that made me do more & more time and spend many holidays, birthdays and Mother’s Days in these bathroom sized cages. It sucks that I spend time in jail, while members of my family pass away and I am left without the ability to say goodbye. It seems I don’t really care, but everything just makes me colder and colder as I get older. I don’t really regret anything I have done, but I think a lot about the things I have done to others.

Every Christmas spent in jail I miss my mama even more, she’s my everything and my backbone. I don’t know what I would do without her. I’ve been in and out of juvenile halls since I was 11, a total of two years and now I messed up big and will spend the rest of my juvenile time behind these bars. That’s the price you pay and I knew what I was getting myself into. Just like I said in one of my songs “Before you sign the contract to this life make sure you read it,” so I can never say I didn’t know what I stepped into and I know I chose this life. Sometimes I wonder how my life would have turned out if I would have taken a different path, but oh well. 

I’m getting to the point where I think I’m starting to think I’m falling in love with these four walls that surround me. I always find a way to be back with them and its crazy to me. Maybe I was just destined to be in these facilities, but I want to change that. Anyways, I hope everyone has a great Christmas in these beautiful facilities within these gorgeous brick walls. 

Entry #2156

Hey Mom

I want to tell you that I won’t be coming home for the holiday. I’m going to be locked up because of the bad stuff that I’ve done. I regret it. I just want to come home soon, but I can’t. I’m trying my hardest just to fight to come home to you, but I can’t. Every time I hear country music, I think of you. Every time I think of you, I miss you. Every time I go down to my cell, I cry for you because I miss you so much. Every time I dream about you, I miss you. 

If I could ever talk to you face to face, I want to let you know that I don’t want to argue. I know you don’t believe it when I say I’m sorry but I want to say sorry for the times we argued and I don’t want to leave you because I want you on my side. I don’t want to ever let you go. Every time we argue, it feels like I know I’m letting you go. Deep inside, I am really trying hard to hold on.  

Entry #2157

Hurt

If you knew me you would know that I come from a household of love, but I always made the wrong decision.

If you knew me you would know I would change something about myself just because someone didn’t like it.

If you knew me you would know I’m a lost child with anxiety who doesn’t know how to cope.

If you knew me you would know I have a hard time expressing myself.

If you knew me you would know I lost my pop the day after my birthday and I have been lost ever since.

If you knew me you would know I’m hurt on the inside.

If you knew me you would know I’m an innocent child stuck trying to find my way in life.

If you really knew me you would know I can’t live right without my mom or dad.

Entry #2158

So, Locked up for the Holidays

I will tell you what it feels like in the hall for the holidays. Its’ boring. You will miss your family and girls and all that good ass food. Now I can’t even get into fights without getting into trouble. But we get presents for Christmas, get to stay out later than usual, and watch movies; we’ll have a good day and just call family. I missed two other holidays, but I didn’t really dwell on it because they were not as big as Christmas. If I was home I would be smoking, probably trying to hang with some girls, chilling with family and probably getting in some trouble.  But I am just up in here getting fat, making stupid choices, and getting caught.

Entry #2159

Help?

I fall and trip

Coming Up

Pushing away the help

Saying, “You can’t help me.”

Then it changes

Watching my sisters falling

Trying to help them up

They pushed me away

Saying the same thing I did,

“You can’t help me.”

I hit my knees

I fell apart

No mommy

No daddy

No family

Slowly losing the ones I love

One by one

Mom? No answer. She’s gone…

Dad? No answer. Gone…

Then I tried to call on my sisters

But once again

Nothing…

Slowly I began to lose myself

Calling my name, but no answer

See myself lie there

No one to help

I was stuck in those four walls

And no one was there to help

Entry #2160

Locked Up for the Holidays 

       I’m locked up for the holidays again this year. It’s the second Christmas in here I gotta sit out. But you know how it goes down. It’s a shame, I would for sure like to spend it with my family and friends. I miss them all a lot. But I know this is not going to be my last time in here for the holidays. It’s all right though, because on the outs I’ve never really had a legit Christmas anyway. I had to go to school and tell everybody about the presents I didn’t get just, so I wouldn’t look lame. I had to fake a smile. I don’t even know why I cared about what anybody thought. 

       It’s cool in here though. We get some good food, I guess and some stuff that the staff buy us. But at the end of the day it’s just another day in the hall. Maybe I’ll get a letter or some pictures, something. Maybe I won’t though. It doesn’t really matter to me. As long as I’m living and well, that’s all that matters. 

       As I sit in my cell sometimes I think about how it would be, this time, if I was out for the holidays. Maybe it would be different. I would like to think so. Anyway, I’m happy with what I have and if this is where I’m gonna be for my favorite holiday, then I’m gonna make the best of it. 

Entry #2161

Crying Inside

I remember being a little girl happy as can be, growing up with my mom and dad strung out on meth.

I remember feeling alone, not loved, and the horrible things I would go through as a little girl.

I remember seeing my mom hitting herself, crying her eyes out.

I remember my dada coming home but going back to the cold cells within a month.

I remember my mom’s face and voices as she hit me repeatedly, blaming me for things I didn’t do.

I remember screaming and crying, not wanting to live anymore. 

I remember my sister holding me, telling me everything is going to be okay. 

I remember my mom locking me in her closet. 

I remember when I hit my first bowl.

I remember when I thought I could trust my dad’s best friend. 

I remember my dad’s best friend came over when I was sleeping and waking up to his touch.

I remember crying inside scared to tell anyone.

I remember feeling it was my fault. 

I remember drowning my feelings into a liquor bottle.

I remember taking my anger out on other people because how hurt I was. 

I remember my first time doing drugs.  

Entry #2162

Opening Up

I’ve let myself down countless times. I’ve gone through extreme depression, seeing things, hearing things. But I almost never opened up about it because I would feel pathetic. And if I did, I would just feel like I’m 100% at fault for everything, or just be called a druggie. I hardly ever used drugs in my entire life. I would feel stupid for opening up, even for asking for help. I don’t think I’ve ever truly gotten help. And if I say it doesn’t help me, they would just say something lame. I’ve had a ton of **** happen to me, even if I’m just a teenager. I don’t think I can ever be normal.

Entry #2163

New Year, New Me?

Wow. 2024 has been quite a year for me. It’s crazy to think that I’ve been locked up for the entire year. I remember getting locked up in December of 2023. I had to miss Christmas. Now 2025 is on its way and I’m probably being released. I'm scared of relapse, scared of the wrong people, and scared of all the temptation. I’m scared of coming back here. I've referred to this place as a “Chamber of Reflections”. Kind of ironic, yeah? It just means I’ve had so much time to think and reflect that I never want to return again, so let's do it. I need to turn my life back in the right direction. Because it’s going to be a “New Year, New Me.” 

Entry #2164

Here, I Miss

Being locked up makes me feel…depressed, lonely, and sad.

Depressed because I can’t see my family here. I don’t like my family, but I still miss them.

I miss my cousins because they make me laugh and are very creative. I miss my mom because

I miss how she cooks on the holidays, especially the homemade ice cream.

Lonely because being here is hard. Sometimes the people here are hard to live with because they think and act differently than I do. 

Sad because I miss my best friend. I miss the way we could talk about anything and go on adventures. I especially miss making TikToks, and I miss my man. 

Being locked up makes me feel……. depressed, lonely, and sad.

Entry #2165

Day One

       Hello, I'm an inmate of the Youth Detention Facility and this is my summary of the booking process. Day one. Day one sucks because you have to go through a five to six hours book-in process and this is how it goes. First you have to talk to a medical person about your allergies, mental state, and your health. Once you’re done, you have to take off your clothes and put on the prison clothes: a white t-shirt, navy blue pants, and a light gray sweater. And no, they don't have pockets. None of the clothes have pockets. Why? Because they don’t want you to hide stuff.     

       Once you put on the clothes, then you have to go to a scanner to make sure that you’re not hiding anything in your body. Then they will check your mouth, hair, ear holes, and your socks. Once done with that, you have to sign papers saying that all the stuff you took off is in the bags and is safe. Once done with that, you’ll have to take a shower and a cold one at that, which sucks! Next you have taken the shower, you will have to put on a new set of prison clothes after you just got a pair at the beginning of this process. 

       Once you have the newer prison clothes, you talk to a probation officer (P.O.). You will get one phone call to your family and then the P.O. will tell you your rights and charges. You will get your mugshot and wrist band on, your wrist with your mugshot (so basically, it’s your ID) and then your fingerprints will be taken. They do your fingerprints so if something happens in your unit, you have your fingerprints to prove that he or she did or did not do it. After that, you will be taken to a holding cell. A holding cell is a cell that they will hold you in until staff is ready to take you into your unit that is assigned to you which can take hours or even days. 

       Once it’s time for you to go, the staff will take you to your unit and from there, they will put you in a cell and you have to wait in your until 9:00 PM to watch a video on sexual abuse and how to prevent it. Then you will have to get medically cleared, which means they will check if you have diseases and to make sure that you are safe to be around the other inmates, which can take hours. Once done with that, you will have to wait until the next day and that’s where your journey begins. 

       

Entry #2166

What We’ve Seen

       Honestly, I’m not sure how to start something like this so, I’m going to start by apologizing to the people I hurt and/or let down. I know I messed up. I have a long history of mess ups that I can’t correct. That doesn’t mean I regret them though. I don’t plan on having a major mess up that could lead me to a locked down facility again, but at this point, who knows. Expectancy isn’t a thing when it comes to the streets. It’s all run off politics and chance. Yet, I’m still pushing for the best, to better myself, even though the odds aren’t in my favor. 

       I apologize to the people I let down because they saw so much potential in me and I threw it to **** when I was 13. That’s how it is when you’re raised where I was raised, kids have so much potential, but the streets just grabs ahold of them and doesn’t let go. Its’ kind of like quicksand, you get stuck and the more you struggle, the deeper **** you get into. 

       I started carrying. I wouldn’t walk out the house without a stick up on my hip. It was needed, or at least I thought it was. I hate how I have to live now. Anybody I’m around is in danger, even if they’re a stranger walking through Walmart, and it’s all because of some of the things I’ve done. I can’t even have a normal relationship, friendship, or family relationship without them being at risk and it scares me that I’m not home to protect my loved ones if its needed. 

       Sometimes I feel like I need to prepare my mom for my death. Do I expect myself to die anytime soon? No. But like I said, anything could happen, so I prepare her for the worst. I can’t let myself die. It would ruin my ma and brothers. I hate hearing my mom cry on the phone when we have those talks. People can say they understand, but do they? Come on thug, I don’t think you’ve ever tried preparing your own mom for your death. Some people have though, I’m one of those people. 

       I’ve always, throughout my whole life heard the saying “It’s an eye for an eye,” but I’d be damned if that’s how it went for me. I will not lose my life. My momma already lost me to the justice system, she can’t afford losing me to death. So, I won’t let it happen. I’ve emotionally hurt a lot of people with the things I have done, but I had to learn to come to terms with it. At this point its **** most the people I hurt because they just wanna see me gone. I hate having to watch over my shoulder, but when I was out I used to get a kick off of being stuck in sticky situations. If you asked me why I couldn’t give you an answer, but it could be the adrenaline. Yes, I’m an adrenaline junky. Or at least I was. I’m not sure how I am now. 

       When old habits die, you have to be careful because they can come back 10x quicker than how long it took for them to die out. I have faith that won’t happen to me. Faith, is not the word I should’ve used. I should’ve said hope. Faith is a religious word and I am not religious. God has never done anything for me. I had to watch people I loved die in front of me. Why would I believe in God? It might sound messed up, but I don’t think I’ll ever believe in God. The “Lord and Savior” wasn’t there to “save” my loved ones. It’s just my opinion though. 

       It’s crazy how quick the people I used to call my homies switched on me when I got locked up. Shows where their loyalty stands. I can’t lie, I’m janky too though. It’s how I was raised. When I write, I write from the heart, same with when I make songs. It’s a way that I let off emotion without getting into any trouble. 

       When I was out, I always knew I’d get locked up. I was sure of it. I just never thought it would be the crime I’m convicted of. When I first came in I was full of anger. Now I’ve calmed down. I’m genuinely doing better and I’m proud of myself. I don’t see myself falling down that path that leads you to either prison or the graveyard. I bet we’ve all heard that before. A lot of us didn’t listen though. I mean it was hard for me to listen when I was raised around people doing the things I was told not to do in places like school. It’s easy for people from the burbs to judge us because they’ve never been through what we have. They haven’t seen the **** we’ve seen. 

Entry #2167

Kickin’ it

Being locked up on the holidays for me doesn’t really make me feel sad because on the outs I really don’t ever do anything. I usually will just be kickin’ it with the homies instead of being with family. I’m not sure why though but that’s just what we do. So, holidays don’t really affect me being locked up.

Entry #2168

Dear Dad

First, I want to start by saying thank you to everyone who had faith and believed in me that I would be a better person; you, mom, my siblings, my uncles, aunties, and my cousins. Though I wasn't the greatest and best child, you all never lost faith in me. I started off on the wrong foot, following bad friends who just led me down the wrong path, taught me how to drink and do other negative things that just landed me in Juvie. 

Second, I want to say I'm sorry for not listening to anyone's advice doing just what I wanted and also trying to fight you, mom, and my siblings. You always told me to focus on my studies but I never listened. I went on fighting everyone in the house instead of being the person to protect them. 

Third, I never actually believed you when you said if I do very well in school and get good grades, you would get me anything I wanted, until the day you actually got me a Playstation. It was the best thing ever! I ended up breaking it, but after that, you went ahead and replaced it with a new one just so I could be happy. After everything you did for me, I still went ahead to become a criminal and also gave you a bad name in society. 

So, today I make this promise to you: “From the day I get released, I'm gonna be a good kid, being the boy you've always wanted me to become, being the best at school, stop associating with bad friends and also stop being the criminal people have always seen me to be.” I LOVE YOU DAD.

Entry #2169

PAIN

Paranoia makes it hard to sleep.

Adrenaline is the best drug. 

Intoxication makes the pain go away.

Narcotics will make you fall out.

Entry #2170

The Holidays 

Being locked up for the holidays is just like it is outside of here because we don’t celebrate them. It’s just a regular day for me. The only thing I'll miss is my family. I’ve been in juvenile hall for multiple holidays, but I don’t really care to be honest. If I was home it would just be a normal day of yelling and fighting either way; everyday is not a good day. Why would I care if it’s a good holiday?

Entry #2171

Reminiscing in the Cell

Sitting in my cell reminiscing about them days.

Sitting in my cell thinking how to make a change.

Sitting in my cell praying for them better days.

Sitting in my cell wondering if it’s gonna be alright.

Sitting in my cell still holding my head high.

Sitting in my cell trynna make this time fly.

Sitting in my cell wondering if pops still gettin’ high.

Sitting in my cell staring at uncle and my brother in the sky.

Entry #2173

Locked Up

Locked up for the holidays sucks. It is like the holidays are the same as any other day because you don’t see your family. The things that I miss are my family waking me up, handing me a present with an energy drink and seeing my dog happy because I gave my little puppy some turkey. The thing that will happen inside the hall is that we will have a holiday dinner and level 3’s and Honor’s might get a present. No, I have not missed a holiday. This is my first time being locked up. If I were home I would have family time, eat good food, and then call my friends to spend the holiday hanging out. 

Entry #2174

Sometimes 

Sometimes I do right

Sometimes I do wrong

Sometimes I love

Sometimes I hate

Sometimes I love hate

Sometimes I hate love

Sometimes I am a thug

Sometimes I do things just because

Sometimes I don’t listen

Sometimes I’m just reminiscing

Sometimes I miss the plug

Sometimes I don’t think

Sometimes I think too much, my brain starts to sink

Sometimes I talk too much cause everything just stops

Sometimes I think life’s a stopwatch

Sometimes I wish this could just stop

Sometimes I wish life was easy

Sometimes I wish people wouldn’t deceive me

Sometimes I wish this life was a dream

Sometimes I go to jail cause life wasn’t for me

Entry #2175

5 Day Stretch (Free)

Well, the parade has ended.

This is where love gets you. 

I'll be locked up 450 days, 

5, I will spend alone. 

Love is my sin now I must atone. 

My mind holding my body in a net by a string, 

my frayed pale white bones cut me free.

Only to yearn to be planted near a tree.

You held my chin and said you loved me.. 

And that, that set me free.

Entry #2176

My Wishes

I wish I was home when I want 

I wish I was spending Thanksgiving with my family when I want 

I wish I could shower when I want 

I wish I can see the outs when I want 

I wish I could look at the moon when I want 

I wish I could eat when I want 

I wish I could sleep when I want 

I wish I could see my family when I want 

I wish I could watch YouTube\Netflix when I want 

I wish I could eat hot chips when I want 

I wish I could play the ps-5 when I want 

I wish I could swim when I want

Entry #2177

Choose

So easily people will fall

To quit on dreams, they once had

You can be anything you want

Yet some choose to not try

Afraid of failure

You can’t be an angel wanting to be at the top

And be scared to fly.

Entry #2178

Christmas Day

I remember when I was locked up on Christmas day. When I woke up, I was mad as soon as I was up. In the morning I turned up the whole unit, feeling like I had nothing to lose. At the end of the day, I did have something to lose. Everybody got to go to the VC and see their parents while I had to stay back and do nothing. It sucked not being able to see my family on Christmas day. If I had a choice to do it all again, I probably would not do the same thing. But hopefully this time I'm not going to be here and if I am here I will try to be smarter and more mature.