Entry #2079

Questions

A new year, and I’m still locked in a cage of despair, trapped behind a wall of misfortune. Will I ever see outside these walls again? Will I feel the touch of another human who isn’t patting me down? I miss the need for attention I lost at a young age. I miss the freedom. I miss the love. But I am grateful for the people in my life on the outside. Do they feel the same way for me? Or am I just another thug off the streets? Another menace to my environment, foreseen to rot away in a cell forever?

Can they hear me? Can they see that I’m tired of playing the role I have to play? The man. Don’t cry. Don’t talk. Strive for your family and your cause under any condition. The roles we abide by. The roles I understand. The only roles I know.

How? How are we supposed to feel innocent in a world that proves you were guilty from the start? A world that puts a label on you because of the group you hang out with. From what I’ve seen, there are two types of people in this world: The tortured and the torturers.

The tortured are the people who didn’t have another way. The people who had it bad from the start. People like me. The people who no matter what they do, can’t change the cards they were dealt. The stuck. Then you have the torturers. These are the people who kick you down. The people who kick you when you’re about to win. Right when you’re about to close in on the touchdown, they take your ability to run, walk, and crawl.

These are the people I see. But I see nothing because I am unheard. A soundwave in the background of a song nobody likes. An old toy you used to play with when you were a kid. Forgotten.

I used to be happy once upon a time. A time I can’t remember, but a time nonetheless. Maybe it’s this life I was given. Maybe it’s my fault. Looks like I’ll never know the answer to my question, because the tortured are I G N O R E D.

 

Entry #2080

Straight Dime

It’s crazy to think half of the people on the outs that I hung out with everyday don’t even write me or hit up my Insta to drop their number so I can call them. I mean, if I really wanted to, I could find a way to get their number and reach out. But I’m the type of person who believes that if you’re not making an effort to stay in touch, I’m not going to go out of my way either—that just shows where we stand.

That said, I’m grateful for the people who do stay in touch. They always accept my calls and check in on my mama, which to me is straight G and shows me you’re my real homie. If you’re looking out for Ma Dukes, at that point, I consider you my brother.

When it comes to girls, I mean, yeah, I talk to some, but I’m going to be down for like four years and I don’t expect any girl to hold it down for that long—I know I wouldn’t. But I’m going to calm down when I get out and have a baby and go into the military. I’m talking to this one girl right now and she is hella beautiful, I mean 5 times 2, she’s a straight dime. But those are the ones that hurt you the most, so I’m not going to fall. I mean she’s trying to show me I don’t have a reason to not have faith in her, but I overthink hella and have too many trust issues, so that won’t happen.

With my mamma, she is always by my side no matter what. She’s always waiting out the doors at my release dates and she presses 5 when I’m locked down. I know it hurts her more than it hurts me and that sucks that I keep putting my mama through this. The hardest part is knowing I’ll be in here for a while, and she might not be here when I get out.

 

Entry #2081

Mama

Damn. Ever since I got locked up, it feels like I’ve been trapped in a cycle. Group homes and locked facilities have taken over almost all of my teenage years. I’ve lost so many brothers and sisters along the way—some found their way to an eternal light. But never, not once, have I wished they weren’t still here.

Since I’ve been locked up, so many people have abandoned me. It’s been so long since I’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel. But through it all, there’s still one person who’s always had my back—always has, always will.

Mama.

Mama, you’ve always been there for me. I know I haven’t been home in a while, and I’m sorry. But now that I really think about it, maybe there is hope. Maybe there is change. And my biggest advocate? It’s always been you.

I know you’re overprotective, and I think I finally understand why. You’re scared to lose another son. And, to be honest, I’m scared to lose myself.

Thank you, Mama. You are appreciated.

 

Entry #2082

Who is There?

I thought I had more people that had my back on the outs. But only my girlfriend and my sister have my back. They visit me, answer my calls and make sure I'm doing okay. I wish my mother would do that. I wish she would visit me and check in with me like my sister does. I never thought the friends would steal and disrespect me while I am locked up. I never thought they would have done this to me because I always had their back and trusted them. When I get out I don't think I am going to trust anyone again for a while, because I don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to put my girl and my sister in the same position again. I don't want them to be sad and hurt. I don't want them to feel betrayed and lonely again. It really broke my heart.

 

Entry #2083

Keeping it Solid

The only people who have stood by me and kept it solid while I’ve been locked up are my family and one friend. Unfortunately, that one friend just got locked up too. The only person who takes the time to write me is my grandma, and I’m truly grateful for her letters.

I decided to cut ties with one of my parents because they’ve never been there for me. All they do with their life is tweak, and I couldn’t let that drag me down anymore. This is the kind of thing I’ve come to expect. It’s just what happens when you get locked up for a crime like mine.

It’s also what happens when you’re committed for a long time. People switch u

p on you. Half the people claim they hate you, and the other half pretend they’re close to you when they really aren’t. That’s just how it is where I’m from.

 

Entry #2084

Advice

If I was giving advice to my younger self, I would tell him to start cutting off people because they aren’t really rocking how you are rocking for them. They don’t worry if you aren’t good. Also just remember everything happens for a reason, so don’t stress on every little thing. Instead try to improve yourself and learn from your mistakes and don’t take time for granted. Even if you're tired and you think you’re at your low point in life, remember you can never get those times back. So every time you take something for granted, things could be worse. 

 

Entry #2085

Still There

To be honest the only people that still have my back on the outs are my mom and my brother. They are the only ones who ask about me and see how I’m doing. But lately even my brother stopped taking my calls. I don’t know why, but my moms is the only one still there. 

 

Entry #2086

A Normal Life

If I could give my younger self advice, I’d tell myself to stick with football. Everyone always said I had the skills to go somewhere, but I was too stubborn to listen. I also wish I had never started smoking weed when I was younger. That was my first big mistake growing up. It made me lose focus on school and stopped me from wanting to do anything productive. I was always high and didn’t think school was important.

Sometimes I ask myself: if I had made better choices back then—if I hadn’t started doing those little things—would I still be locked up right now? Or would I be living a normal life, going to a regular high school, and playing football?

 

Entry #2087

Advice to My Younger Self: Lessons Before It’s Too Late
Don’t spend too much time on the internet.
Stay away from TVs and computers.
Don’t go on Netflix without a parent’s supervision.
Wait until you’re responsible enough to have a phone.
Find real friends—people you truly get along with.
Practice basketball more. Get better.
Learn to get along with younger kids.
Be respectful to people you don’t know.
Don’t be selfish or greedy.
Know when to step back.
If I could talk to that kid…
I’d tell him to find himself and stop procrastinating.
Do better in school.
Start trying.
Go to therapy.
Stay away from the wrong crowd.
Accept being alone instead of chasing friendships.
Learn to express yourself the right way.
You have nothing to prove.
Ignore the pressure and expectations.
Most importantly, learn how to trust—before it’s too late.

 

Entry #2088

No One

Nobody writes to me. No one accepts my calls, except my moms. It feels like everybody abandoned me recently. But I don’t care. I’m not going to force anyone to talk to me or care for me. I expected everyone that is supposed to be there, to be there, like the homies, but in reality, they only care about themselves. I’ve learned a lot by what people do and how they act, but I’m going to always keep it solid through everything

 

Entry #2089

The Fall-Off

Man, my brother is the only person who had my back both outside and in here. He's not really my brother, but we grew up together and have been through a lot. He answers every time I call, checks up on my moms, and makes sure she has everything she needs.

But it's crazy. Half the friends fell off when I got locked up, even though they used to say they'd always be there for us if we ever got into trouble. That fall-off is real.

But my brother? He was the only one who really kept it solid.

 

Entry #2090

Quality Over Quantity

When you're incarcerated for a while, you start to realize who truly cares about you, and also whom you genuinely care about. I have friends and family who gave their numbers to my brother and told me to call them, but I've never reached out. That's when you understand you don't care for those people because some only start to care once you're locked up. I now talk to only a few people, and I think that's for the best because quality is better than quantity.

Honestly, it's not much different from what I expected. I didn't think I would call every single friend from here—definitely not. I knew there were only a couple of solid ones. On the outside, I have a lot of family and friends who still have my back, even after what I did. Even though I'm the one who left, I thought they would abandon me when I got locked up and not accept my calls. I did lose a few of the closest friends and family members; I still receive letters from them, but they don't accept my calls.

The ones who did abandon me are people who looked after me when I was running the streets with the homies, and I lost some of those homies to gun violence. I still find it hard to believe that people I wasn't too close with still checked in to see how I was doing, if I was alive or serving a life sentence somewhere.

The ironic thing is, when I got locked up, my dad reached out asking for money, even though he left me at the age of five. He stopped writing after I told his wife he was cheating on her, and now they're getting a divorce. So, when I get out, if those I wasn't close to try reaching out, I can't accept that because they never accepted my calls. So why should I when I get out of here?

 

Entry #2091

Life

The people who truly have my back are my friends, my grandparents, and my mother. The ones who always pick up my calls are my aunt and little sister. From the first day I got locked up, they’ve been the only ones who have stayed in contact with me. When I wake up, I think about them, and it makes me happy. It gives me peace knowing that when I need to talk—whether it’s about when I’m getting out or just about my day—they’ll be there to listen.

The same people who have my back have been writing to me, keeping me updated on how my family is doing and what’s going on in their lives. The one person who never abandoned me is my mother. Every day I spent in a cold cell, she was trying to find out where I was and what had happened because I never told anyone I was leaving home. That day, I became a ghost.

After a month of being here, I finally found a way to talk to my mom. The homies have also been writing to me this whole time. I still count them as my homies because even though I’m stuck behind a tall gate with razor wire, they’ve stayed by my side. Being here won’t change the fact that they’re still my people.

Entry #2092

Second Guessing

There's always something about me you never know. I keep alot of things inside and don't let them out. In my cell I think a lot about everything, my mind just goes through file cabinets of thoughts. A Lot of times I can't decipher the thoughts from voices and that makes me second guess things. You know that feeling when you miss someone but you know that they're not good for you or your health? Man, there's this one girl who is on my mind all the time. Maybe it's just because I'm trying to get over her, but I am getting this weird feeling, like hot, cold, jealous and mad. I don't even know why I started feeling this way. I do still have love for her, but I could never love her the same. She feels the same about me as well. Court be whack as hell though. They keep pushing my **** back for hella long. I'm just trying to get this over with and start my time. I’ve got four months of dead time. I’m still trying to get one case moved from one county to another and it's taking forever. I don’t hate being locked up, but just knowing when my case is resolved I’ll get transferred to another county sucks. The county I'm in right now is great. We get a lot of time in the rec room, three hot meals a day, video games, good commissary and phone time. Hopefully these couple years go by fast, but I’m not counting on it.

 

Entry #2093

Still Feel the Same 

Told me time heals, why the **** do I still feel the same?

Loss after loss, I lost Steve and I still feel the pain

Year after year, new year but don't feel a change 

Salt and sugar all look the same but it’s a different taste

 

I grew up the way most do, living on the bottom end

Turned to gangs for the feel of a father’s love, they brought me in 

Signed up for a life of sinning, I'm ready to pay the consequence

Should’a been in school not sliding on the opposite 

 

But I did what I did and what I've done I would do again 

Mama told me live with no regrets, she's not proud of how I'm doing it

Fighting two open cases back to back be damned if I do admit 

Going crazy in this cell acting out I'm going through some **** 

 

Back to back in the same position, I’m called a jail bird 

Everyone preaching about heaven, I'd rather be in hell first 

This, a letter to the younger me have fun while you’re out running free 

It ain't what it seems at the top, I'd rather be on the underneath

 

There's ones that look up to you, it's hard to reach the expectations 

Be a leader not a father and use the haters as motivation 

Be confident not cocky, don't sit back show domination 

Surround yourself with positivity take the negative out the equation 

 

Two odds can make an even, but two wrongs don't make a right 

Make a goal and have plans can’t hit a target without no sights 

Get education, without electricity bulbs produce no light 

When it comes to girls it's just your turn, don't think every girls gonna’ be your wife  

 

Entry #2094

Letter to a Younger Me

Wassup Lil’ Bruh? Life is crazy, huh? It gets even crazier the longer you live. Fake people will come along, and the real ones will wander off. Don’t ever put your trust in anyone, 'cause it’s just going to hurt you in the long run. Live life to the fullest and never look back—live life with no regrets. Don’t worry about females either, Little Bro; they’re just a step toward the next goal in your life. And stay away from all the bad influences, 'cause it’s easy to fall into the tracks of a bad path. Look at me, I went down the wrong one and led myself into a bunch of times in and out of jail. Now take a look at where I ended up—sitting in a jail cell, facing four to six years. I don’t regret anything. I might do a couple things differently, but it is not regret.

Just to say, at a young age, kids without a father tend to fall into gangs for the protection, the feel of a father’s love, or just the feeling of having a family that cares about them. I know that’s the reason I fell into gangs. My advice to you is to stay in your own lane before someone creates a lane for you and ruins the rest of your life. Anyway, it’s about to be lockdown for the night. I hope something I said sunk in, and you hold onto that piece of information—it’ll help you think before you make a decision or take an action that you’ll never be able to come back from. Take care of yourself, Little Bro.

Sincerely,

THE OLDER YOU 

 

Entry #2095

Who Has My Back?

It’s a hard world out there. It’s a hard life. I’m fighting for my freedom, but it sucks knowing that no one has my back—that I’m alone in this world.

Every time I hear my dad’s country and rap music, it makes me cry because I’ll never forget the scar he left on my heart. It’s buried so deep that it won’t heal. When I dream about him, I wake up from a deep sleep, crying for help, praying to God to take the pain away. It’s hard coming back from that.

I wish I could go home to someone who wouldn’t hurt me again. I wish I could go to Texas to see my real dad. I just pray he won’t hurt me like my adopted dad did. More than anything, I wish I could help my little brother and protect him. I want to take him to Texas before it gets worse—before he suffers more than I ever did.

Entry #2096

A Long Time

If I was giving advice to my younger self I would tell him don’t let anyone stop you from getting what you want, but I would also tell him to get it the legal way. I would tell him to have a little patience and let life play out, don’t rush everything. If I told him he would be in Juvy for a year and some change right now, I don’t think he would believe it, but I feel like he might change some of the things that he was going to do. I would tell him to spend some more time with his mom because he’s only going to get to see her two times a week, sometimes less, for a long time. I would tell him to do better. I think if he heard this advice from me he would listen.

 

Entry #2097

Me

Love. Loss. Hurt. 

Tears drying on my shirt. 

My face stained with tears. 

No one’s seen me in years. 

Hidden in my cloak.

It’s so suffocating, I’m going to choke. 

I float in a subliminal space of non-existence. 

My inner personality fades from reality. 

 

Entry #2098

Younger Self
Damn, kid, I just want to start off by telling you that you’re going to go through some ****. You may not understand it now, but let me tell you, your life is ****** up, and it’s not your fault—it’s just the cards you were dealt. I want to tell you a life goal that took me a long time to figure out: Don’t dwell on the stuff you can’t control. It’s only going to mess you up in the long run. Love your loved ones, because you never know when they’re gonna pass. Death comes at unforgiving prices, and it’s gonna hit you hard as hell.

You’re strong and smart. Live up to it, do something with yourself. Lord knows you’re capable. You probably don’t believe this or want to believe it, but we end up in jail later on in life. It’s not too bad, but it sucks knowing you could’ve done so much more with your life than this.

Another thing I want to tell you: love people enough to let them go. Don’t get attached too soon. People will stab you in the back when you least expect it, and it takes its toll after a while. It’s crazy. You’re stubborn. It’s not a bad trait, but it’s gonna make some people mad. One day, you’ll be alright though.

We’re gonna make some bad decisions in life, but what really matters is how we bounce back. Something tells me you’re gonna be good at that.

Remember, chest out, chin up. It’s the only way.

 

Sincerely,
Your Older Self