Three Little Boys and an Alcoholic Mother
I always thought that I was the best child out of all of us, but look at me now. Most of the time I look at the mirror in my cell and I see this little boy who just wanted love and affection from his mother but never got it. I remember when I was thirteen years old and watching my brother being murdered by lung cancer, and all I could do is cry because I could never take the pain he was suffering from. The most painful thing that I've felt was losing my brother for life. Then it happened again four months later; my second oldest brother went to prison for life because he got convicted of murder. The worst part about it is that he supposedly killed my cousin. Then it happens again. My mother lost it. She starts drinking more and stopped caring about me, blaming me for everything that was happening and I started believing her. All I can say now is that the little boy who just wanted love and affection will never get it, but every day when he looks in that mirror I see all the pain he's gone through. Somehow he still smiles.
The First Time I Ever Smoked Meth
The first time I ever smoked meth I was chilling at my homie's house. I would always go over to his house with my other friends. I'd bring weed we'd chill and smoke. Sometimes we would drink but mostly we would smoke. Life was going good. It was probably the best summer I ever had but at the end of summer my friend was moving out. I went over to his house to help him move. When I got their I smoked a blunt and was getting ready to sit in the living room when my friend that was at my homies house asked me if I wanted to try dope. He said it makes him feel really good, so I said “Yeah.” I was always that person that would try any drug put in front of me. When I tried it I liked it a lot. It made my chest feel good and my head would get numb. I felt like I could do anything and that night we moved his whole house. I regret doing the drug though. My whole life turned upside down after that. My friend was not supposed to say anything about it to anyone but it turns out he told his girl and she told my girl and my girl dumped me. After that I didn't really care about anything. I started smoking meth more but on top of that I would steal cars and started getting involved in gangs. Eventually I got caught for a few cars that I stole and got put on probation. My life has never been the same since. I wish I would have never tried meth. I believe if I had never tried it I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in today.
My First Time…
This is my first time being locked up. I never thought I would end up in a place like this. I guess that’s what happens when you use hard drugs and steal cars. At first I thought I was the baddest chick around because I looked good and was about my money. Now that I’m here and have done 7 months I’ve learned a few things. I am 2 days away from my release date. I remember when I first walked into detention side. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. The people who did try and talk to me were given my attitude at its finest. Sooner or later I had a whole lot of enemies. Then, came my court date. I was mad when they gave me six months. It was then that I decided to make changes in my life. I worked hard at making the best of my time. Here I am, a whole different girl from what I once was. I now have goals for myself, and dreams on top of that! My first time here was a living hell, don’t get me wrong, but through the struggle comes new things. When I get out I can say that I am living proof of someone who has changed their life for the better.
I always thought I'd be a good kid and never get mixed up in bad situations, or crazy life.
I always got good grades in elementary school, and hung-out with all the good kids all the time, but that all changed in Junior High. After Elementary School, my life changed around for the bad. Junior high affected my whole life. I started affiliating with a certain gang, wearing a certain color, started using drugs, like weed and other heavy drugs that made me feel good. I was hurting my mom the most. I got too caught up in the bad things I was doing, and didn't really realize how much I was hurting her. All I wanted to do is kick-it, smoke, and ride around town with the older vatos I looked up to. I wanted to put my name out there. I looked up to the older guys, because I've never had a dad in my life to look up to, and they were there to give me advice when I needed it. I started getting into fights, getting jumped a lot, and always had to watch my back everywhere I went. My mom realized I was changing, and she wasn't happy with it. I used to listen to her cry, and watch her cry because she was disappointed, sad, and scared that she might lose me. I got too mixed up in a messed up life, and didn't realize it was going to affect me, but not only me, my mom also. I've hurt her so much, but now I'm willing to change and make her happy.
Back On Track
I was hanging out with the wrong crowd, doing drugs, running from the cops, hoppin over fences, breaking into places where I could find somewhere to sleep and where it was warm. I was always hustlin for money just where I could get something to eat. The cops were always on my tail so I finally decided to turn myself in. When I was about to, I found out that my baby momma was pregnant so I went on the run again to be with my girl while she was pregnant. I was on the run for almost a year till I got caught up but the only thing that made me happy was that I got to be with my girl when my baby boy was born. But now I don't even get to see my baby boy. My ex that had my kid moved 200 miles away from me and now there is no way I can see my kid. People will never know what I go through everyday not being able to see my child for the past 3 years. I only got to see him when he was born. After he was born she took off with my baby boy and my money. I just wish I could at least talk to my kid, at least for my baby boys birthday, but I just need to get my life back on track to make that happen. I just wish my baby momma would let me see my kid or at least be able to get pictures of my kid and hopefully be able to have my kid live with me. I just hope one day I'll be reunited with my kid again. It's just so hard for me being away from him for so long, so now all I do to get rid of my pain is drink my pain away or smoke till I can't feel anything where I just feel so numb. I just want to be able to see my child again.
I went to court and was sentenced to a group home. I thought it was going to be all bad because I went to another county. It looked like it was going to suck, but after the first month or two, it wasn’t so bad. Before I knew it, I was weight lifting every morning and playing sports. I went places I had never been before like the ocean for the first time and seeing snow. I did crazy bike riding in contests way up high on dirt roads with big jumps while flying downhill. Also, I snowboarded, surfed, went to water parks and Six Flags Magic Mountain. It was one of the best things that had ever happened to me. I went to Yosemite National Park and stayed in cabins. I experienced so many different things while I was in the group home; I couldn’t have asked for anything better. Why? Because it changed my life and I learned so many different and new things. I still know how to do all those things. I’m very proud to have experienced it for the first time. It’s something I never want to take back.
The first time I got arrested I got arrested, I was with my girlfriend (at the time), my friends, and my girlfriends friends. We gave a homeless man money to buy us alcohol so we could get drunk. Later that day we met up with another one of my friends and went to Big Lots to steal dust-off . We huffed it, we huffed so much of it I'm surprised I didn't die..... My mom found out because my brother told her. He was scared because it just made us stupid, drool, and just laugh. My mom told my dad and when my dad found out we were already on the way to the store to get some more. I was by the front door and my dad came in and grabbed me. He yelled "Call the cops!" So I threw a swing at him and he let go of me and dodged it. When I ran out the door my dad and another Big Lots worker was chasing me so I started throwing rocks at my dad to keep him away. I was mad at him for putting me on blast in front of my friends and everyone in the store. One of the rocks flew past him and hit one of the workers and cut his hand open. I ran back to my house and was hanging out with my friends in front of my house when a cop pulled up. He got out of the car and asked us all our names. When I told him mine he read me my rights and took me into custody. I spent the night in juvenile hall for assault with a deadly weapon. Luckily I got out the next day.
The beginning of a horrible journey
In cuffs watching the hills and fields
Entering the threshold of the bad fortress
Filled with mistakes of society
Some innocent, some guilty
The search of uncomfortableness
Walking through the halls of despair
The door opens to familiar faces
Ones seen on the outside
A joy rushes through my body
Like the white bloods cells in my veins
My mind filled with satisfaction
A horrible journey turned
The loneless of the room overwhelms me
Tears of regret, for disappointed ones
I tell myself I will change
When I finish this journey
But it’s only the start
Here I Am
My first time in juvenile hall was tough. I kept thinking about my family and friends. I kept thinking in my head what was going on, on the outside. I was going crazy I felt like I had no one there for me. I was alone in a cold white room with four walls just staring at me. I was about 14 years of age. I was scared and didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t know anybody. I was there for about two weeks until I got released. I was in there for violating my probation. Every night I kept thinking to myself I needed to get out, but the days took forever. I eventually got used to it though. I got along alright with the other kids. I thought to myself for two years I will never go back there, but here I am in another county writing a letter to whoever is going to read this.
The first time I got stuck in the desert was last winter. We were supposed to go clean up the farm after the snow melted. I didn't think so little ice could stop us. There was barely any ice or snow on the ground. The ice that was four inches thick cracked from under us and we started sinking into the mud and water, we worked for hours digging and pushing to get out of the mud. One of our friends tried to help us get out but they got stuck too. We worked all day, after many hours of moving ice and trying to get the two trucks unstuck from the ice and mud, my friend and I walked back to the farm to get some tools. We walked at least three miles through thick sticky mud and slippery melting ice. My friend called the people that we were there with to ask what we were supposed to do next. We went to the closest neighbor’s house a few more miles away, the only neighbor. No one answered so we went into their warehouse of canned food and we ate. After we "borrowed" some food from them we started back, half way there the sun set and the temperature went below freezing. The coyotes and wolves were everywhere. It sounded like we were standing right next to them. Our clothes were wet and we were cold. The people that we were the with found an old abandoned house that was blown down by the wind to camp in for the night. No windows and the doors were broken. We started a fire in what used to be the living area. The next day we chased down this Chevy and they helped us, did donuts and showed off making our little Toyota look bad. They towed us out and we drove home.
I sit here and I think about my life. All the times I’ve cried wishing things were different, all the times I said I’d change and still went back to my old ways, and most of all, all the times I tried and gave up. I sit here and I think, what will happen next? Will I continue on this road of destruction? Or will I switch to a path that will lead me in the right direction?
When I’ve known something for so long, I’ve spent every day doing that something, trying something different just seems…wrong. It seems as if doing something else is impossible. Change is something most fear, it’s something I fear, but mostly it’s something that most want but are afraid to go after. It’s like if I go to Six Flags and see the huge roller-coaster that I’ve wanted to get on for half of my life. I’ve always dreamed of getting on it, of feeling the fresh air hit my face, and of putting my hands up enjoying something that makes me feel alive, but yet I don’t get on it because I’m afraid. Afraid because I’ve never been on a roller-coaster before and I’m afraid because I don’t know what’s going to happen.
It’s the same with change. I’ve dreamed about, wanted to ride it, but as soon as I came face to face with it, I backed out. I backed out because I didn’t know what to expect and because fear took over. I backed out because I was so used to having my feet on the ground that there is a part of me that didn’t want to know what it would feel like to have my feet off the ground and being turned this way and that. When I’m in the life of the streets, change just seems…nonexistent. But once in a while I feel as if I want it to exist. I want so much change in my life it overwhelms me and then I just go back to believing it doesn’t exist.
Right now change is something I believe in and also something I don’t believe in. How is it possible that someone like me, someone that has committed crimes, who has talked bad about people, who has done the unthinkable, who has hurt loved ones and more importantly hurt herself, who has done all of these horrible acts, able to change? I guess now I’m willing to find out.
Where is the Blinker?
The first time I stole a car, it was my mom’s jeep. I went over to the high school with it after picking up my homeboy. We tried to do some donuts in the parking lot. He was tripping out because we were only like 13 years old. My sister slept through the whole thing and my mom was at her boyfriend’s house. I’m surprised I didn’t get pulled over. I didn’t’ even know how to turn on the blinker. There were hella cops in that town too. It was really more like joy riding than stealing. I didn’t really start stealing cars until I was tweaking daily. It is even hard to remember what car it was. I have probably stolen 75 cars since that time.
The first time I came to juvenile hall was in 2015. I came in here for selling molly. I was scared cause I had never been in juvi before. I knew I was in big trouble and figured I let my mom down. My mom always has a lot on her hands because of me, so I knew she would be stressed out hearing about me being in juvi. When I first came in I was stressing because I lost a lot of things: money, drugs, my girlfriend, and friends. I stayed in here for a month, got 12 month on probation with DEJ and got out early. I stayed clean for 5 months and went on the run for a half a month. Now I’m in here for a VOP waiting for the day I get out…. 11 more days. I’ll have ankle monitor for 45 days and then be on probation for another 3 months. All I have to do is do the things that keep me out of trouble and behave and put more effort in my life to get off probation.
1st Experience in Juvenile Hall
My first experience ever being locked up was one of the most stressful times in my life because of the fact that I didn’t know what to expect. I was nervous about how it was going to be in here, I thought it might be like the prisons you see on television but I soon found out it was nothing like that. I also wondered how the other people that were locked up were going to look at me and what they were going to say to me when I walked in. I thought I might end up fighting my first day being locked up. Once I was down for so long I realized it was nothing like I imagined, actually in reality it’s like daycare in here.
For the most part it’s not that bad, it’s just boring and after a while I started to miss my family and friends more and more every day. I missed being able to come and go as I please, eat when I please, and be able to see my mom and daughter. The most stressful times for me was going to court and thinking about how much time I might get and when I would be able to see my family and friends again, I would sit in my room and think about my life and what it has come to. I realized I’m going in the wrong direction and I need to get it together. I told myself when I go out I was going to change my ways for the better, but when I got out it wasn’t as easy as I thought to change. I ended up falling back in my old ways because honestly it’s hard to change when you are trapped in your old ways. Somewhere down the road I ended up back in here even though I got off probation and was out for over a year.
The life I fell into is what got me here. The way things are now of days and depending on what type of life you are living you have two choices, kill or be killed.
This time I came back for a very serious charge that could have got me sent to CYA. I ended up getting lucky and blessed with a sentence of eight months, instead of doing years in custody away from my family and my daughter. All together I did almost a year. To some people that wouldn’t be considered lucky, but when you realize what charge you were facing and could have had a couple years because of it, it is lucky. It sucks to be away from my daughter for so long, not being able to see her grow older and help her through life. When I finally make it out of here I plan on making it to the top.
The Other Way Around
The first time I came to the hall I was 12 years old. I came to visit my brother and he was 16 at the time. It was a family visit with my mom, dad, my brother and I. I never thought that it’d be the other way around. The second time I came to the hall it was me going in at the age of 16. I has in here for a little over a month. I was good for six months after getting out, but then I got a charge with my brother that brought me back in. Now I’m 17 and I’m in the hall for the fourth time hoping to focus on myself more and to achieve the goals I have set for myself to move on in life not just for me but for my family as well. Because I am 17 and close to graduation, I am fearful they will make me stay longer in the hall.
My first time smoking weed and drinking alcohol happened at the same time. I was about 7 and I was with my cousin. She was 17 at the time and she was taking me out to Burger King. When we got through the drive through we drove to my cousin’s boyfriend’s house. As we entered the door it was so smoky I couldn’t even see straight and my cousin’s boyfriend was with one of his friends. They were each drinking a 40oz of Mickeys; one was unopened on the coffee table and it was for my cousin. They were smoking out of this long glass thing that I later knew as a bong. I remember I was young and had a general idea what it was for but had never seen anyone use one in person. I just knew it was definitely not for tobacco. After a while I summoned up the courage to ask if I could take a drink of my cousin’s 40oz and they all laughed and let me try it. Honestly it was still hella cold so it tasted pretty bomb and then I asked if I could try the bong and they laughed again and explained how it worked and that I had to suck all the smoke in really hard to clear it. My cousin put the bong to my lips and lit it for me and told me to keep sucking which almost made me laugh and mess everything up but I kept a straight face. When she lifted out the bowl-piece I sucked really hard like she said to do and I still remember the milky white smoke leaving the bong and burning the crap out of my little 7 year old throat. I coughed really hard and blew out the smoke and I was kind of mad they didn’t tell me it was going to make me cough so hard and so much but my cousin just patted my head and said since I was so young I just had a set of virgin lungs and that If I smoked more often I wouldn’t cough like that. Anyways I took another drink of my cousin’s 40oz and it soothed my throat and for the rest of the time there at the house I was just chilling thinking about how cool I was to be the first out of all my little kid friends to smoke weed.
The Biggest Event To Take Place In My Life…
The biggest event to ever take place in my life would have to be when I overdosed. That event still haunts me to this day. The crazy thing about it is that I can only remember parts of it; taking my blood pressure at a grocery store and seeing the reading: 203/131. My heart rate up in the 180’s. I recall lying on the floor not being able to get up because of the pains in my chest and constantly yawning in effort to get a full breath of air. I remember getting rushed into the E.R and seeing all the doctors around my bed, but quickly it all went black. 36 hours later I wake up in a new bigger hospital after getting out of the intensive care unit. For some reason, I survived and everyone was blown away. That week and a half of my life, spent at three different hospitals, really made me realize how much the little things in life actually mean. I almost lost it all for good, you know? It really opened my eyes. So yeah, that would have to be one of biggest events to take place in my life.
12 Years Old
The first time I smoked meth, I was 12 years old. It was a crazy experience…unfortunately, I fell in love. There was a list of things that I did that day. It started off smoking a blunt with my homie. When we finished he pulled out his pipe and we smoked the roach, but while we were smoking probation rolled up on us and violated him, but let me off because I wasn’t on probation yet. I was so depressed as I walked to his brother’s house to tell him what happened and when I got there, he and one of his friends were smoking dope. They asked me if I wanted a hit and like a dumb little kid I did. A hit turned into a bowl and a bowl turned into three and the next thing I knew I had an ounce of dope in my pocket, I was driving a stolen car, and had just stabbed a kid on my soon to be high school football team. I ditched my stolo in a field behind my cousins and ran inside. I got arrested by the PD a week later with a new tattoo. I spent six months in juvi….my first crimes.
Here Until Wednesday
The first time I did meth I was 14. I went on a really bad binge. I got really mad at one person for like five days. One morning came and my mom made me really mad and I took it out on that one person. I beat him up and I snatched his keys out of his hands, and me and my cousin dipped to someone's house and did some more meth. Then my uncle called the cops and we came back and I tossed the keys to him. My cousin and I went to my house and the cops got us there. I went to Juvy for 21 days and got out. I did ok for two months and started doin a lot more meth then I did before . I got a dirty test, ran for five months, and then turned myself in. Now I'm here until Wednesday.
First Time Driver
I didn't know how to drive. I was told to get behind the wheel. I didn't at first. The next day I said I wanted to drive. So I was told to get behind the wheel once again…and I did. I was so nervous. It was my first time behind a wheel actually learning how to drive. A cop started tailing me and I pulled over and they just passed me by. I began to get frightened. I eventually started driving out in public roads instead of driving back roads all the time. My first time driving was awesome because I felt the adrenaline rush pumping through my veins as I was driving.
The very first time I ever experienced juvenile hall, I was wondering to myself what the heck was I doing with my life. It came as a surprise to me. I’ve never been locked up before and it was going to be a new and weird feeling experience. It was an eye opener. It was extremely cold and what made it even colder was lying down in an all concrete room. The guard soon called my name in a rude, disrespectful way, which made me mad. I couldn’t say or do anything to him because he had the authority over me. We walked down an even colder hallway to the housing pod where I would be located. The officers fed me this crappy looking food, which I did not eat due to the fact of how gross it looked. A month later I was released from juvenile hall. I thought to myself how I was never planning on ever coming back again... but then again I was wrong.
Life for me has always been hard, but it was the stupid choices I kept making that got me locked up. My first time in Juvie it was no big deal, but the second time in Juvie is when stuff got real. I never thought that it was going to be me; I thought that my friends would write me and that the longest I'd stay is a month. Well I was wrong. My 6th time in Juvie I got locked up for a year. My friends never wrote me and it seems like my family's never here. I want to go home but there's no one there. I'm soon to get out. Just a couple more months for me, and that's when I'll be free!
Entry # 1206
My first experience using hard drugs occurred when I was 16. At first I would only smoke marijuana but after a while that wasn’t getting me high enough. So I started popping Xanax and drinking codeine syrup. I don’t know why I enjoyed the high, I just did. I would use it daily if I could and when I couldn’t, then it was every couple of days.
After a couple of months of using all that I tried cocaine. My first time trying it was amazing to me. It made me more social and I just felt more confident on it. I wouldn’t do that as much as the other drugs though. I later went on and snorted meth, I liked the feeling. It was more intense than the other drugs I had tried.
Because of the drugs I got into trouble with the law it and that really opened my eyes. I stopped using hard drugs. I crashed a car while under the influence and my friend was severely hurt. After that happened I stayed clean for months changing my life around. I knew I had messed up bad. I was sober for almost a year after my accident. But they still sent me here without a drug test or anything. And everyone in my pod says that they should have tested me, and that they were all tested. I’m not an addict and I don’t need this program. I was just having fun and since I stopped using with my own will power proves I’m not supposed to be in here.
Stolen Car, Stolen Adolescence
When I stole my mom’s car I was on drugs (meth) and other heavy drugs such as well. I stole my mom’s car and her wallet and drove all the way to sac town and got more meth. On my way back I got in a high speed chase because I was scared to get caught with over two ounces of dope(meth) because if I got caught with that much dope my mom would disown me. For one I stole her car and for two having drugs on me, especially meth because she would think I was doing drugs with my dad. When I was on drugs I didn't go to school. I didn't care about my family or anything but the drugs where my friend was that was supplying me.
Early morning, eyes open, birds chirping, life wasted, pipes twisted.
Minds trippin’, wishing I could stop this vicious cycle of drug abuse.
People always sliding through saying, “What it do?"
Windows always open, people jumping through.
Continuing to break my curfew.
If only they knew what I'm really going through.
Until that day when I thought I was getting away with everything,
Probation came and took me away.
I lost the dope game
But now I see that what I was doing was not okay,
And I gotta pay for the bad decisions that I've made.
Stealing was simple, but I never stole from my friends or family. That’s just the lowest of the low. Eventually after stealing from stores or from random people it didn't provide a rush anymore, and that’s when I knew I had a problem. I stole a car from the person’s drive way and got caught up a day later. Then a short time after that I was able to steal someone’s house key without them knowing and go inside when they left out of town. Easy peasy. Stealing used to be thrilling; you go big or go home. After so many times I didn’t really get that thrill anymore unless I tried to one up myrself constantly. It’s a bad thing to get into. But it brings a rush like you see in the movies, the adrenaline is pumping. Basically real life cops and robbers. I always knew the trouble I could get into but after getting away with it so many times I didn’t think I would get caught. But my consequences were pretty "bad". I got caught up for car hopping and being drunk in public then a week later got caught up for the car. I ended up with a year on probation and did a weekend in Juvi when I was 16. Then my life basically spiraled after that. Shortly after my 17th birthday I got in more and more trouble going to juvi for more and more time. I finally hit my last chance and ended up with a longer sentence. No one wants to be baby sat. But it’s the consequence of my actions that I am facing. I've decided how I want my life from here on out and being locked up isn't on the agenda.
Pain and Lies
The first time I was lied to was not the last. Pain. Maybe others don’t notice, but lies hurt people. I have been lied to many times before. What really pisses me off is that the person who lies to me the most is my so called mother. Constantly she buys two packs of cigarettes and always has a full tank of gas in her car to go see her boyfriend of the month, but never has money to get new clothes or the time to come visit me. She puts me through so many ups and downs that she just plain disgusts me. I would never want to live like her. I once heard that parents should be role models to their children. Well in that case I have never had parents. Nobody knows the pain I have or the demented thoughts that dwell in my twisted mind. I am suffering. They haunt me in my sleep. I am unique. I am not a part of her. I will never be like her. But most of all, I am better than her. She says that she loves me. Lies. I love myself and need nothing but love from God to live happily. I have forgotten what she said, forgotten what she did, but I will never be able to forget how she made me feel.
Poem for Change
I was ten when I entered the game
I remember when my mom told me to stay
I heard her at night screaming in pain
I saw all the tears running down her face
I worried all day if she’d be okay
I thought I’m doing all this cause I’m chasing fame
Damn, but, I want to change
I am gentle, loving, caring, and kind
I think I never saw it coming through my gleaming eyes
I need to get my stuff together and put down the pipe
I try to move on but damn I love the high
I feel down and depressed like I’m breaking inside
I forgive myself for pushing the ones I love away
Now I can change
I will be successful and learn to stop
I choose to quit drugs and yup that includes pot
I dream about my mom, it makes my heart drop
I hope I can stay sober, just a bubble I need to pop
I predict one day I can be a C.O. yes like a cop
I know I’m ready to live my life this way
Yes, I know I will change
Intense, painful , exhausting, but I couldn't give up. I knew once it was over I would feel better. Nobody was around, it was very quiet, I was determined to make a sound of joy, the sound of throwing a big rock into a lake or when somebody falls and hits the floor hard. I knew when I was taking on this challenge it would be a fight. But this fight I wasn't planning on losing. I knew if I lost I would feel like crap the rest of the day, like I was carrying a big weight inside of me. I wanted to feel like a champion, like Rocky Balboa when he knocked out Apollo Creed. I had many fights before but none like this one. This definitely was a first experience fight for me. I knew I had to go back to the basics so I used my skills that my mom and pops first thought me when I was little and learning. I was determined to hear that cheer I had gotten before when moms runs to your pops and tells him he did it! He did it all by himself! He is such a big boy! So I pushed through the fight, felt my face getting really hot! Veins popping out like their going to burst, and boom there it was. He came down hard! Ooooh did that feel so good. I knew that was a win for sure. I finished up immediately then went straight to the mirror and told myself with my hands held high, you are the winner! By K.O. I defeated the undefeated constipation!